Preserving Poopsie

Not unlike a mosquito looking for a sweaty arm on which to land, I am always on alert for a blog topic.  And when I heard the story of my cast-mate’s strange encounter in a theatre parking lot I knew I’d hit pay dirt.  

My cast-mate (let’s call her “Shirley”) had been walking to her car as “Olive” drove up.  Olive rolled down her passenger car window so they could chat. 

After a few minutes Shirley noticed that Olive’s dog was sleeping on the passenger seat.  “Oh! I didn’t notice your dog,” Shirley said.  “Sorry I was speaking so loudly. I wouldn’t want to wake him up. He’s sleeping so peacefully.”
 
“You don’t have to worry about waking up little Poopsie,” Olive said sentimentally.
 
Because Poopsie had actually pooped out years ago.  Poopsie’s freeze-died body was sleeping peacefully on the car seat, thanks to the miracles of modern science. 

WTH?  Surely Shirley was joking.

“Are you sure, Shirl?”  I asked. “It must have been a stuffed animal.  Who would freeze-dry their dog?”
 
“That was no stuffed animal,” she said.  “Trust me.”

Being the skeptic that I am, I googled “freeze-dried dog” and, low and behold, I found the link for perpetualpet.com.
 
“A Loving and Lasting Alternative”

OMG.  According to the web site, freeze-drying “preserves a pet in a natural state thereafter, without any alteration in appearance. This allows pet owners to see, touch and hold their pets."
 
And take their freeze-dried carcasses for car rides!

Am I the only one creeped out by this?  Can’t they just take a picture of their pet?  

And it’s not cheap.  For a 2 pound dog, it would cost $375.  It’s $795 for a 7 to 10 pound dog and $60 for each pound over 10 pounds.  

I looked down at Kevin, and quickly did the math.  $855 for him to last into eternity. 
 
Or I could take a picture of him for free.

What if I’d gotten a St. Bernard instead of a Pomeranian?  They weigh 160 pounds, on average.  That’s $9,795.  And think how hard it would be to move poor freeze-dried Beethoven into the passenger seat.

Apparently, freeze-dried cats are also popular.  I checked out some of the photos on the perpetual pet web site and found Princess Snowflake, complete with a tiara.  

Now, I’m not really a cat person, but I know enough about cats to know that they do not willingly wear tiaras.  In fact, if Princess Snowflake could have talked, she probably would have said, “A tiara?  Over my dead body.”   
 
I guess that’s what you call Cat Karma.

Some pet owners had their pets freeze-dried in poses, apparently to make them into more interesting art work.  

Which gave me an idea.  If you’re going to go the time and expense of freeze-drying your pet, why not convert them into a functional household object, rather than just a sentimental piece of art. 

But then again, $855 is a bit pricey for a Paper Towel Holder.  Even a cute one like this.

The VPLs

I was on an opening night high.  The audience loved the show, and I was hearing praise from everyone about what a great job I'd done portraying 70-year old Aunt Ruth in Marvin's Room.  

It was hard to believe that someone as young and immature vibrant as myself could be transformed into crippled old Aunt Ruth. 

My head was growing exponentially with ever complement.

I was soaking them in.  More, more... tell me more. 

Maybe I will quit my day job and move to Hollywood.  Because, clearly, I am the next Meryl Streep. 

Then Jim told me more.  

He said, "You know what I liked best about your performance?"  I started anticipating his response.  The way I embodied Ruth's spirit?  My subtle nuances in the kitchen scene?  The way I emoted Ruth's love of life? 

"What?" I asked, humbly.

"Your VPLs."

"Excuse me?"  I said. 

"Your VPLs," Jim repeated, chuckling to himself.

I had no idea what he was talking about.  Very pretty legs?  Very perky lips? 

I was afraid to ask.  "Um, what is a VPL?"

"Your Visual Panty Lines!" Jim said.  "When you bent over and walked across the stage it was hysterical!"

Tiffany, our costumer joined in, "I know!  I loved it!  What a great idea to wear granny panties!  I almost peed my pants!" 

Except those were my granny panties and they were not supposed to be part of the damn costume.

OMG.  Everyone in the audience saw my panty lines.

I tried to play it cool, but my beet red face, which I pointed directly into my glass of beer, was not helping my cause.

Then I remembered what a great actor I was and, in my best Merryl Streep voice I proclaimed,

"I thought it would add to my credibility to my role."      

The Reference

Why did I open my big fat mouth?  It was my own idea!

Kimmy  told me that she FINALLY found an apartment for rent in Jackson, Wyoming, where affordable apartments are as scarce as a zit on a Barbie doll.  She was completing the application and speculating about how competitive it was going to be to get that apartment.

She told me that they wanted references from her most recent landlord.
 

A light bulb went off in my head.  “You know, you could always put me down as your landlord", I said. “We do have different last names."

Did I really say that? 

Because, lo and behold, I got back from lunch on Thursday afternoon and there was a message from THE LANDLORD, wanting to talk to me about one of my former tenants: Kimmy Walt.

Did I mention what a horrible liar I am?  I have numerous blogs about my poker go fish face and my complete inability to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes. 

How the heck could I have a phone conversation with THE LANDLORD about my former tenant, Kimmy Walt? 

I imagined the conversation.  It would start with an innocuous question like, “Do you remember a tenant named Kimmy Walt?”  My heart would start pounding. Sweat would pour down my face.   My voice would shake uncontrollably as I would attempt to choke out a feeble “yes”.   

He'd see right through me and Kimmy would never get the apartment.

I called Dave for advice. 

“Don’t go into any details,” Dave advised.  “Keep it very high level.  She paid her rent on time and left her apartment clean.  Period. ”

Her rent?   I sent her to Food Lion for me.   She was my ping pong opponent.  She drank wine with me and watched The Bachelor.

That was her rent. 

How could I tell him that I would have paid her rent to stay with us for 3 months?  And that I should be asking HIM for references?

But I am very crafty, indeed.   Being a nerd, I did the math.  If I waited until 2 pm EST to return the call, THE LANDLORD might be at lunch.

And he was.  Whew.  I confidently told his voice mail that Kimmy was an excellent tenant.  She stayed with us for 3 months after returning to the U.S. from Australia.  She paid her rent on time and left her apartment in pristine condition.

I didn’t mention how empty our house feels without her.

 
And guess what!   

She got the apartment!

Lucky for her I wasn’t on SKYPE!

Simply Serendipitous

As you know, one of my favorite hobbies is discovering unusual Japanese products and replicating them, using materials I find at the Dollar Store.

And blogging about my results.

At the risk of tooting my own horn, I have out-done myself again.  Without even one trip to the Dollar Store. 

It was simply serendipitous. 

The product that I was attempting to clone is a new Japanese Bikini my friend Jamie told me about.  The bikini bottom has no waist band or ties.  It snaps in place, ostensibly defying gravity.

Jamie showed me a YouTube video of a Japanese woman modelling the bikini.  The woman assumed a number of ridiculous unusual poses in an effort to demonstrate the amazing bikini’s aversion to gravity.

When I looked closer at the bikini bottoms, a light bulb went off in my head.   That Japanese Bikini bottom looked remarkably similar to a head band which I re-purposed as a Camel Toe Protector.

 Which I could re-re-purpose as a Nerdling Japanese Bikini!

So I went home and tried on my Nerdling Japanese Bikini.  It certainly looked good, but would it work?

I gingerly walked around the house.  It stayed put!

What if I danced?  I executed some of my most impressive Body Jam moves.   It didn’t move an inch.

But could I pogo stick in my Nerdling Japanese Bikini? 

No.  

Better put that in the fine print.  
 
Please notice how seriously I take my products and how thoroughly I test them.  I am trying to avoid any and all frivolous lawsuits should my Nerdling Japanese Bikini accidentally slip off some unsuspecting woman.

(I hate to disappoint my readers, but I decided not to include any photos of myself test-driving my Nerdling Japanese Bikini.  It’s not that I don’t look A-M-A-Z-I-N-G in it.  I just don’t want any frivolous lawsuits should someone see the pictures and end up with serious long-term psychological damage.)
 
So I decided that Barbie could model it. 

I could not find a Barbie Head Band, so I made one for her out of tin foil. 

I am a big supporter in Affirmative Action, so I chose Handicapped Barbie as my model (the one who bravely sacrificed her feet in my Barbie Foot Earring project).

And, since she is missing her feet, I had to prop the gimp on a wine glass.  

But, as you can see, the  Nerdling Japanese Bikini looks amazing on Handicapped Barbie.  Even from behind.

But, buyer be warned.

Do not wear your Nerdling Japanese Bikini while pogo sticking.

Jet Black Pearly Whites

Those crafty Japanese have done it again, catching U.S. toothpaste manufacturers resting on their lagging laurels.

It’s really kind of embarrassing.  Colgate and Crest have been utterly myopic in terms of product design.  

They have been offering the same hapless assortments of white and pastel colored toothpaste, with flavors ranging from mint to baking soda for decades.  

Decades!

In the meantime, the Japanese have stepped out of the box with their cutting-edge Binotomo Nasu Dentifrice Jet Black Toothpaste.

Not only does it “leave your pearly whites feeling super clean”, it’s good for you!  It contains eggplant.

To be honest, getting my minimum daily requirement of vegetables is a constant struggle for me.  And I can think of no more convenient way to consume my daily eggplant servings than via my toothpaste.

Wait. One. Minute.  I just noticed that there is a warning on the Binotomo Nasu Dentifrice Jet Black Toothpaste box.  “Be careful when you squeeze out the Binotomo Nasu Dentifrice Jet Black Toothpaste, though, as the eggplant-based paste can stain clothes.”

Whatever.  I’m not going to worry about that.  I have never accidentally squeezed toothpaste onto my clothes.

Wait. Another. Minute.  Although I have never accidentally squeezed tooth paste onto my clothes, I have accidentally dribbled tooth paste from my mouth onto my clothes.  

And, at the risk of ruining my reputation as a polished and refined young woman, I do this on a daily routine basis. 

Maybe Binotomo Nasu Dentifrice Jet Black Toothpaste is not for me, after all.  

Besides, if Binotomo Nasu Dentifrice Jet Black Toothpaste can stain your clothes, how come it doesn’t stain your teeth?

I decided to do a bit more research on Japanese toothpaste.

I think I'll stick with the pastels.

Protecting the Girls

When my friend Mary told me about the Ravijoir True Love Tester I got goosebumps.  A bra that unclasps itself for true love?  That knows how women truly feel?  That was developed by the Japanese?

Wow.

Apparently the Ravijour True Love Tester works in conjunction with your smart phone to analyze your “levels”.  It will lock up your bra, protecting the girls, unless the sensors detect that the woman truly wants her bra removed.  

For example, if you are being seduced by riff-raff like this, the gates would likely remain closed. 

Which makes it a modern day chastity belt for the boobs.  

It cannot be unhooked without true love.  Sigh. 

Apparently, the bra's built in sensor reads a woman's heart rate to determine "True Love".

Wait a minute. 

My heart races when I’m nervous.  Like before I walk on stage.  I stress about remembering my lines and my blocking, or being hit by Greased Lightening during curtain call.  I certainly don’t want to have to worry about my bra falling off!

Which reminds me of that infamous presentation I made early in my career.   About 10 minutes into it I felt my shoulder pad slowly making its way down my left arm, not unlike a cat sneaking up on an unsuspecting mouse.   

When it got to my elbow I nonchalantly flicked it to the floor.   But my aim was off and it fell a bit stage left of the podium. 

Now this was pre-PowerPoint.  When all eyes were on the presenter. 

Except all eyes were not on me.  All eyes were on my foot which was attempting to snare the shoulder pad and bring it to safety behind the podium.

The women in the room all recognized the object as a shoulder pad, and were starting to whisper.  And giggle.  The men were just confused, at least one believing it to be a sanitary napkin.

I certainly wouldn’t want a “bra-opening” version of ShoulderPadAgeddon. 

As I was researching this topic, I discovered that the Ravijour is actually a knock-off of the MicroSoft SmartBra. 

Which would make it a knocker off.   

Sorry, couldn't resist. 

The MicroSoft SmartBra is designed to monitor a woman’s emotional moods to combat overeating. 

You can't make this shit up.

The sensors can signal the wearer’s smartphone, which will flash a warning message to step away from the fridge. 

I'm sorry, but is there a market for this product?  What woman  on this planet would listen to her phone when it tells her not to stress eat?    
Smartphone: “According to the sensors in your bra, you are stressed out.  You should not eat.  Walk around the block, instead.”

Smartphone: “Pizza is not good for you.  Put down that pizza.  Now.”

Smartphone: “Your sensors indicate that your level of stress has increased.  Stop eating that pizza.  It is bad for you.  You will get fatter."

Smartphone: “PUT DOWN THE PIZZA, BITCH!”

Smartphone: “DO NOT THROW YOUR PHONE!  I SAID, DO NOT THROW YOUR………”

Defying Gravity

Finally!
 
And not a minute too soon.

I was about to give up the fight against my sagging bust!  I tried the Oyasumi Goodnight Keep Bra Bust-keeper, but frankly, it did not live up to my expectations. 

I guess my girls were too much for it.  Gravity prevailed.

I’m hoping that will not be the case for the Oppai Taiso Breast Gymnastics Night BraBust Anti-Sagging pad.

I think it's a superior product. It’s for gymnasts. 

Like me.

Because we gymnasts typically have huge boobs. 

It is a well-kept secret in the world of gymnastics, that a large bust can create havoc on the balance beam. 

I can certainly attest to that.

In fact, my double Ds were my downfall in the 1984 Olympic games.

Gravity took over and another Mary Lou came from behind to become the first American woman to collect a gold ribbon in Gymnastics.

One can only imagine how different my life would have been had the Oppai Taiso Breast Gymnastics Night BraBust Anti-Sagging Pad been around when I mounted that balance beam back in the 1984 U.S. Nationals. 

Gravity would not have prevailed, the 5 times it did.  I would have been as graceful as a gazelle, with the girls gathered tightly in place.  

I most certainly would have beaten that bitch Mary Lou.

And it would have been me on the Wheaties Box.

No use crying over spilt cereal milk.  I say better late than never!  I’m starting my training tomorrow. 

It’s less than 18 months before the 2016 Summer Olympics.  Look out Brazil, here I come! 

Me and my Oppai Taiso Breat Gynmnastics Night BraBust Anti-Sagging Pad.