Sunday, July 18, 2010

Why in a Mall?

In January I blogged about the incredibly stealthy I.M.M. (Israeli Mall Militia) whose members used guerilla warfare to assault unsuspecting shoppers in my local mall, convincing them to purchase over-priced hand care products.

Since then the I.M.M. have closed camp and moved on. They have been replaced with the kinder, gentler, and oxymoronish C.M.M. (Chinese Mall Masseuse-men). 

At the risk of being called a massage snob, I simply can't imagine enjoying a massage in the middle of the mall between Hollister's and Auntie Ann's pretzels. Who can relax while hearing sounds like, "Mom, why can't I get a that shirt?... Pleeeeeeeeeeease?

OK, so maybe I'm not the target market. Perhaps they are attempting to attract male drag-alongs who don't have the stamina of their female counterparts.

But do they have to be so close to Auntie Ann's? Let's just say that seeing some guy getting his hairy bare foot massaged within steps of the Auntie Ann Pretzel line can make one change her mind about that sesame pretzel.

Of course, it could be worse.

The Eyebrow Threaders kiosk is about 30 feet down the mall from the CMM. What are Eyebrow Threaders, you may ask? Well, remember cat's cradle, the game you played with strings when you were a kid? It's just like that, only you place your eyebrow in the middle of the string in order to remove unwanted hairs. 

Eyebrow threading originated in India and involves twisting a piece of cotton thread into a double strand. This double stranded thread is used to pick up a line of hair and then remove it, creating a very clean, precise hairline. 


The hair removal technique is not just for the eyebrows: threading can be used to remove other facial and body hair as well. Double ouch.

Thankfully, only facial hair can be removed in the mall kiosk.

While doing research for this blog, I found "how to" directions for Eyebrow Threading. I've decided to try it out as part of a future blog. 

I just need a volunteer.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Wax Mouth Disguises

When I told my friend Becca that I was thinking about blogging about wax mouth disguises she looked at me like I'd grown another head.

"Come on!" I said in disbelief. "You never heard of wax lips? How about wax mustaches? Tell me you've never heard of wax buck teeth?"

She just shook her head pathetically, silently counting her blessings that she didn't know me as a child. She had never experienced this entertaining yet extremely functional "candy".

I did some wax lip research (because I'm a Nerdling, and that's what I do). I discovered that wax lips, like me, originated in Buffalo, NY! And here's what they say about Wack-o-wax lips on their web site:

Cherry-flavored Wack-O-Wax Lips encourage “play with your food” fun whenever the mood strikes. Whether at parties, holiday gatherings, or just goofing around with friends, they’re the all-time favorite “Play Now, Chew Later” wax treat.

The mood struck so I got my hands on a hodge-podge of wax delicacies, including Wack-O-Wax lips. I decided to conduct my own ethnographic research with this "Play Now, Chew Later" wax treat. Would my wax lips be an effective disguise? Would my neighbors recognize me at the pool? I put on my costume.

My husband convinced me not to leave the house. He told me I looked like Angelina Jolie's deceased great grandmother.

I disagreed. In fact I feared I was not sufficiently incognito with just the lips. I dug deeper in my box of baby boomer candy and came up with an enhancement to my disguise. Add the wax mustache.

Maybe it's me, but I think the wax mustache looks fake.

Down at the bottom of the barrel of baby boomer candy was the absolute perfect addition to my wax teeth disguise. I drilled a hole in my lips with a corkscrew and inserted a candy cigarette. Nobody would ever recognize me at the pool like this:

Except for one teeny tiny problem. I live in South Carolina. It's July. My lips will probably melt by the time I get there.

So I decided to advance from the "play now" to the "chew later" phase of the game.

It had been decades since I last chewed wax lips. And the only thing I remember about chewing wax lips is having a very sore jaw upon completion.

I took a bite. My Wack-O-Wax lips tasted like nasty cherry wax. Actually, let me amend that statement. They tasted like nasty Benedryl flavored cherry wax. I know they are edible, since the package has a nutritional label (15 calories). But try as I might, I could not bring myself to swallow the red waxy glop.

I guess I'll just pack up my wax lips disguise until it gets a bit cooler around here.... perhaps around the end of October (Halloween). Except for one other teeny tiny problem.