Saturday, March 30, 2013

Condensing the Commode

It is difficult to believe, but bathrooms on commercial airlines will soon become smaller.

I don’t get it They’re already minuscule.  As in 3 X 3 foot!  How in the heck have they managed to shrink them? 

And how will I ever remain in the Mile High Club under those conditions? 

I apologize for that “visual”, readers. 

I hope none of you had been eating.

At any rate, I completely understand why airlines would want to shrink their “facilities”.  Apparently, with the new Barbie-Doll sized lavs, Delta will be able to add 4 seats to its 737-900s.

They should have consulted me before making that decision.  For you see, I have a scathingly brilliant idea.  In fact I have two alternatives guaranteed to generate additional revenue, with minimal passenger impact.

First, why not assign passengers to the toilet seats?  So, in addition to Coach, Business, and First Class, airlines would offer Commode Class.

Commode Class seats would be sold at a slight discount, however the Commode Class passengers would be required to give up their seats at various times during the flight, at the request of other passengers. 

Alternatively, the airlines could remove the toilets altogether (adding back valuable passenger seats), and set up a kiosk in the gate area where Stadium Pals and Gals could be purchased.  

For those of you not familiar with Stadium Pal and Stadium Gal, they are portable urinary devices that allow you to discretely “go” in public when and wherever you choose.

The Stadium Pal (for men) is basically an external catheter worn like a condom.   The Stadium Gal comes with a urinary pouch that stays in place with adhesives.  (Ouch.)

Aside from the urine collection,  both the Pal and the Gal have Convenience Drains that connects to the leg-bag system (worn on the inner calf). 

A perfect solution to air travel without facilities.

Of course, airlines could not require the purchase of Stadium Pal/Gals, but certain rules would have to be established.

1. Passengers not purchasing a Stadium Pal/Gal would not be allowed to participate in beverage service.
2. No sharing of Stadium Pal/Gals.  (Especially across genders.)

Of course, the Stadium Pal/Gals would only cover one of the two reasons for using a bathroom.

Number 1.

To that end, the Gate Area Kiosk would also sell Depends.

They don’t call me a stinkin’ marketing genius for nothing! 

Saturday, March 23, 2013

The Incredible Shrinking Face

When I saw the ad for the Kogao! Double Face Mask I knew I needed to have one.  Immediately.  If not sooner.

For you see, having a smaller face is a symbol of beauty in Japan.  And I need all the beauty symbols I can get. 

According to the advertising: "the mask has been cleverly designed to apply pressure all across your visage and help keep your skin and muscles firm and youthful."

Clearly this Japanese beauty product will make my visage vibrant!

Allow me to interrupt this blog for a moment of academic enlightenment: Kogao means "small head" in Japan.  (I take pride in increasing my readers' IQs, one blog at a time.)

You're welcome.

The Kogao! Double Face Mask sells for $43 (plus shipping and handling) on the Japan Trend Shop web site.  

I'm sure few readers will be surprised to hear that I made my own Kogao! Double Face Mask.  But what will surprise (and impress you) is that I didn't even have to drive to The Dollar store to do so.

I used materials I found around the house. 

I created the mask using fabric left over from Kevin's Doggone Thong.


And I made the straps from a very cute but lonely orphan sock and a couple pieces of Velcro.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe it is important to look good while you're shrinking your face.  You be the judge.  Which  looks more attractive?  The original?

Or the Nerdling version?


And I think it's working!  My head feels much smaller already, after just one bath!


Saturday, March 16, 2013

Completely Wiped Out

It wasn't my finest moment.

We were at the Augusta Burn Center, where Dave was being treated.  He had seriously burned his hands while attempting to light the water heater pilot.   (He'd thought the gas was off, but it was on.  He lit the match and........ boom.)

It was quite a scare.  Both of Dave's hands were wrapped up in gauze and we were waiting for the doctor's prognosis.   He finally returned with the good news that Dave needed surgery on only one of his hands.  "Thank God!" I said.

Dave mistook my visible relief for empathy, and gave me a pathetic smile.  

"So he'll be able to wipe his butt, right?"  I asked the doctor.

Don't judge. 

Those of you who would enthusiastically and willingly  wipe your significant other's butt, please raise your hands.


My mind had been spinning ever since I'd met Dave at the hospital and observed his mittened hands.  When was the last time he ate?  What if I don't feed him for a while? 

But it would not have been an issue had I  known about The Comfort Wipe. 
The Comfort Wipe is a device (surprisingly) not invented by the Japanese.  It is the "answer to personal hygiene- when reaching is difficult."   

It's the coolest invention ever.  You just stick toilet paper onto the end of the Comfort Wipe wand and..well... wipe.  It extends your reach 18-inches and it contains a unique release button for fast sanitary disposal.

But it's $19.99 plus shipping and handling.

I decided to make my own Comfort Wipe.  To that end, Kevin and I drove to the Dollar Store.  I had the perfect product in mind, but, sadly, they were out of stock.   

Then I noticed the Pointing Finger.    

Plan B it was! 

All I needed was a rubber band.

It's critical that you field test all products before introducing them into the market, and I'm certainly glad I tested my prototype.  It worked fine in the wiping process.

Unfortunately, the disposal was not exactly smooth.  I attempted to fling the toilet paper off the finger, but it never flung.

And I realized that if my product was going to effectively compete with the Comfort Wipe, it needed an ejection feature. I reverted to my original idea: Plan A.

And my Plan A is way cooler than the original Comfort Wipe, which only comes in one color.

The Nerdling Comfort Wipe not only comes in multiple colors, it comes in multiple animal designs.   Which would you rather have wiping your butt?

With that said, I have not completely given up on my Pointing Finger.  I am going to re-purpose it.

It could make a killing in the adult sex toy market.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Ahead of the Curve

It's almost enough to make me want to have another baby.

Um, Dave.   You can step away from that ledge.  I was just kidding.  

And at the risk of stating the obvious, I really don't thing that volume knob will be very effective.  Based on my extensive experience (with very loud children), a pacifer needs an on-off (in-out) switch.

At any rate, where were these extraordinary pacifiers when my girls were little?

Oh, how I would have loved to proudly parade Kimmy and Linda around the mall with one of these in their mouths. 

In fact, I may have been tempted to sport one myself!  (You know how adorable those mother-daugher outfits are.)


Although these pacifiers are very impressive and fashion forward (especially the pig snout and dinosaur), there is something conspicuously missing from the pacifier prospectus.  

They forgot Barbie!  

However, I happened to have an extra Barbie head left over from my Barbie Head Earring project, so I was able to fill that product void.  

You're welcome.

Introducing the Barbie Head PacifierSince I didn't have a baby handy, Kevin agreed to model:

I even have a tag line:  You are never too young for Barbie. 

But before I began mass-producing my Barbie Head Pacifiers, due diligence was in order.  (I didn't want any of those blood-hungry lawyers on my butt.)

So I googled "Barbie Pacifier".  And, much to my chagrin, there is already a Barbie Pacifier on the market.  

Selling for $36.95. 


OKAY, so maybe the Barbie Pacifier idea was taken.  But the wheels on my brain go round and round...round and round...round and round.   

Just like the Nerdling Barbie Head Mobile!

Imagine falling asleep to that every night!  

Now all I need is a song.  I'm thinking the Multicollinearity Rap would be perfect.  Because, you are never too young for Barbie.  

Or statistics.



Sunday, March 3, 2013

Becoming the Beard or the Becoming Beard? That is the question.

I have been accused of focusing my blog on silly, trite topics.  However, today I'm tackling a very serious issue.  A philosophical controversy which has been debated for centuries.

Does fashion influence television or does television influence fashion?

I firmly believe that it is the latter.  

I mean, look at Farrah Fawcett!   Her 1976 hairstyle went on to become an international trend.  Everyone wanted Farrah hair.   

Yes, even me.
Jennifer Anniston had a similar impact on hair styles in the '90s.

But neither Jennifer nor Farrah had the impact that Duck Dynasty is about to make on the fashion world.

Wait!  You say you've never heard of Duck Dynasty?  You're not familiar with the hunky geniuses behind the Duck Commander Duck Call?  

Think ZZ Top.  In Camo.

I know what you're thinking.  Not every man can grow such attractive facial hair as Phil and Si, Jase, Willie, and Jep, the  sexy "stars" of Duck Dynasty

And call me crazy, but I would love to be able to sport a similar growth on my own face. 

Especially in the winter!  

Of course I could always purchase a Duck Dynasty Beard and Bandana on for $19.99.  

When my friend Jamie looked at this photo, she thought it was a "very awkward and inappropriate bikini."

Just wait until you see my version of the Duck Dynasty Beard and Bandana, Jamie.   You will want your own.
All I needed was some fabric.  And a bandana.

Poor Kevin hardly recognized me in my new Duck Dynasty duds.  (And I wasn't even wearing camo!)

Saving the best news for last:  My Nerdling version of the Duck Dynasty Beard and Bandana can actually be repurposed as a bikini.  

(Thank you Jamie, for that suggestion!)

And it fits perfectly.  

However,  in the interest of modesty, and to protect the mental health of my readers, I decided not to include the photo in this blog.

You're welcome.