Monday, May 29, 2017

My Secret Weapon

In my defense, my mouth has more food traps than the average street person.  My nightly dental hygiene routine, which begins at 11 PM, takes me through the weather on the evening news.

Regular toothbrush.  Proxy brush.  Sonic Toothbrush.  Dental Floss. Mouthwash.

It's a battle.  But I emerge victoriously.  Only the most shrewd food particles remain unscathed through the Proxy brush assault, and most of the remaining fugitives are captured during the Sonic Toothbrush skirmish.  The few, the proud, the Marine-like morsels that make it past the Sonic Toothbrush are lassoed by the dental floss.  Any and all survivors get swept away in the mouthwash tsunami.

By the time Ben Tanner gives the 5-day extended forecast, my teeth sparkle like a Disney princess.

Or like this.

I have another weapon in my arsenal that I rely on in certain combat conditions.

Remember Rosa Klebb's Flick Knife Shoes?

My secret weapon is even more impressive.  Except it's no longer secret.

Because, unfortunately, Kimmy and Linda have witnessed me wielding my weapon.

And they are completely disgusted.

I have no idea why the sight of me pulling an earring from my earlobe to dislodge a piece of food cowering between 2 molars would upset them.

And they get so annoyingly passionate about the whole thing.

"Mom!  That is SO NASTY!!!"   
"I am going to barf."

Lighten up, guys.  It works.  And it's at my fingertips.

When I earringed a furtive Jelly Belly particle taking cover in a hidden cranny on the bottom left side of my mouth, both girls started in on me.

As if there was a law regulating dental hygiene tools.

Luke pointed out the box of tooth picks  placed conveniently next to the Jelly Belly jar on the table.

But who knows where those toothpicks have been.  I know where my earrings have been.

Plus think of how many trees were cut down to make those toothpicks.  No trees were sacrificed to make my earrings.

And they're reusable.  I dare say they will never wear out.

Truth be told, I am a bit disappointed in my daughters.  They are myopic in their thinking and clearly have not inherited my marketing genius.

Because, I have a scathingly brilliant idea!

Sunday, May 14, 2017

The Greeting Card

I happened upon the soon to be closed Hallmark store by accident.   I would have walk past had I not noticed the "90% off Entire Store" sign in the window.

As you would imagine, the store was 1) a mad house and 2) completely picked over.

In fact, the remaining inventory was extremely targeted.  Cards like:

  • Congrats on coming out!
  • Get well after your brain surgery!
  • Congrats on the birth of your triplet boys!
And, of course, the congrats on your dance recital card:

Was I discouraged?  Of course not.  I persevered in my search for 90% off cards that would some day be relevant to me.

I snatched up a sympathy card for losing your pet hamster.  My nephew had one.  It, surely, would not outlive me.  I passed on the 'Congrats on buying your new unicycle' card and the inspirational, 'You can beat Lime Disease' cards.

There were a few "normal" cards but they were well hidden.  I found an adorable baby card stuck between two 5,000 piece puzzles boxes and a retirement card in the 'Congrats on your Bris' section.

About 6 months later somebody at work had a baby and I went to my 90% off Hallmark card pile and found that baby card.  


Alas, I had to drive to Food Lion and spend $4.00 on a baby card.

Fast forward several years and Kimmy texted a picture of the card to me with this note, "Just found this while looking for a blank card to give to Jenn.  Were you planning on giving it to Linda or me?"

And she added the most annoying emoticon.

I responded, "So, Linda didn't tell you?"

Kimmy, who clearly inherited my brains, and not my gullibility texted me, "So you didn't have your reading glasses with you on that shopping trip?"

Oh, well.  I'll get even with her.  I've got the perfect card:  "Sorry to hear that you've been cut out of the will."