My Poker Face

I really wish I had a Poker Face. 

Unfortunately, I am completely transparent. And I find it absolutely impossible to pull off a practical joke. Unless the "prankee" is thoroughly distracted and obtuse, he or she will see right through me.

One of my biggest failures was the fake cake prank.  My friend Rena and I spread chocolate frosting on a 9X12 piece of foam rubber for my boss' birthday. It was a work of art. We couldn’t wait for him to attempt to slice through the vanilla tinted foam. It was going to be downright hysterical if he actually tried to take a bite!

But Rena knew about my handicap and was (legitimately) worried that I was going to blow it. "Whatever you do, Lou, don't laugh!"  I promised her I'd hold it together. 

I giggled all the way to Bill's building, in anticipation of the moment he would realize that he was eating foam rubber. It was going to be so funny!

Rena reached out to knock on his door.

I grabbed her arm. "Give me another minute,” I gasped.

"Come on, Lou. Pull yourself together!"

I took a deep breath, held it, and slowly exhaled. "I'm ready………..Wait! Give me just one more minute." I slapped my cheeks. I thought about Adolph Hitler. I jogged in place, took another deep breath and nodded to Rena.

"I'm ready," I said soberly.

Rena knocked on Bill's door.

We walked in the door and Bill's eyes lit up. "You remembered my birthday! "

Then he looked at me.

In my defense, I was not laughing. Yes,  my cheeks were puffed out like...well, like this cat.  And, yes, my eyes also looked like the cat’s, but that was the only way I could keep the tears (of laughter) from escaping.

Bill looked suspicious. "Wait a minute”, he said. “Is this a joke? Is this cake made out of foam rubber or something?"

Rena was so mad at me.

I can't even keep a poker face with my own children. One time Kimmy went on a field trip to a prison with her 2nd grade class and was telling me about the tour as I drove her home from school. She and her friend Brittany were in the back seat, so I thought I could pull something over on them (given all they could see was the back of my head.)

I asked her how big the cells were and she said about as big as our dining room. “Wow”, I said. “When I was in jail the cells were a lot smaller and we had to share our cells with 3 other prisoners!”

Her friend Brittany almost swallowed her gum.

"You were in jail before, Miss Lou?"

"Yep," I said, my voice going up an octave.

"What for?"

"Armed robbery.  I robbed a liquor store," I said. My voice cracked and my body was shaking so much I nearly drove into a ditch.

Kimmy rolled her eyes and said, "You're lying Mom. Brittany, my Mom is trying to fool us but we're too smart for that.”

See what I mean?  My Poker face is an embarrassment.

But I'm working on my developing my Poker Face and I have just the right prop. It came in the mail today.

I know I can pull it off. I just have to put my bacon band aid on my face, walk into a meeting at work and see if anyone notices. 

So far so good.

Then again, maybe not.

I don't think I'll ever have a Poker Face.

I guess I'll have to settle for a Porker Face.