Saturday, March 29, 2014

The Secret 7th Pose

I have just discovered the most amazing Japanese product. EVER.

It's called the Koppu no Fuchiko Capsule Toy Set Gachapon mini Office Lady figure.

Why didn't I think of it first?   A miniature office lady in 7 different poses that you can balance on the edge of a  glass?

I don't know about you, but I would rest my Koppu no Fuchiko Capsule Toy Set Gachapon mini Office Lady figure on a big old glass of wine.

 What fun!

According to the Japan Trend Shop web site, "This miniature OL will perch on the rim of your drink, looking impossibly sweet and angelic.   The complete set of figures include the Office Lady hanging, lying, sitting, climbing, holding a lemon for you...and more."

This manufacturer has certainly done their research.   

In an average day I assume every one of these poses at work.   Truth be told, I'm usually holding a lime rather than a lemon, but other than that they have really nailed this.

For $90, plus shipping and handling, you can have a complete set of 7 adorable Fuchiko figures (6 plus a "secret version").

 A secret 7th pose?  OMG!  It's almost worth the money just to see it. 

I sometimes do the splits at my office.  I wonder if that's the 7th pose.  Or maybe it's my hand stand.   

Or coding SAS.

I've never been accused of being patient.  To that end, I conducted some research to find the secret 7th pose.  And I did.  

It's in this video:

Wait a minute.  What office lady do you know wears a bikini to work?  

So much for their research.

But then again, maybe they have different dress codes in Japan.  

Sunday, March 23, 2014

The Fine Print

Let me start with some words of advice to my loyal readers:  Never make a major purchase without first examining the fine print.

I came very close to purchasing a new product I recently found on the Japan Trend Shop web site.  Dangerously close.   

If was an irresistible deal: $78 for a Facial Lift At Once Face Trainer Facial Muscle and Mouth Exerciser.

A product guaranteed to take years off your life.   

I'm pretty sure face lifts cost way more than that. 

You just pop the pink Facial Lift At Once device into your mouth once a day for 3 minutes and “it does the hard work for you!”

According to the marketing materials, "You will feel the electric buzzing work on your cheeks, chin, lips, mouth and even nose. The pulsing will come in four different levels of strength and in a complete 360-degree spread, pushing and working on your facial muscles little by little every time." 

Is it just me or does this sound like an orgasm on your face?  Wow.

I was just about to purchase this miracle product when I noticed the fine print:

To use: put the mouth cover on, and then place the tip between your lips (without touching teeth). Turn it on and let go of your hand. It will operate for 3 minutes or you can switch it off before.
Do not place between teeth. Avoid all contact with your teeth!’

Wait a minute.  What exactly happens if it touches my teeth?  I don’t think I’m coordinated enough to keep a Facial Lift at Once in my mouth for even 1 minute without it touching my teeth, let alone 3 minutes.

Do I really want to risk my life in the name of vanity?  And who cares how young I look if I’m laying on a stinkin' stretcher in an ambulance?

It would probably be love at first sight for the EMT.   He would comment, “Wow!  Is this patient's age right?  There is no way this woman is a day over 40.   She looks like a teenager.”
The other EMT would agree.  "Look at her beautiful skin."

Then they would argue over who gets to treat me.  I would awaken to their squabble, my eyelashes fluttering.  I'd say, "What happened?"

The first EMT would be holding my hand.  "I think you received an electric shock of some kind."

And I would have to confess "Wow.  That was some orgasm."

But you know what?  It's not worth it.  I'm not risking my life so I can look younger."

Besides, why would I want to break some poor sucker's heart when I'm already taken?

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Preserving Poopsie

Not unlike a mosquito looking for a sweaty arm on which to land, I am always on alert for a blog topic.  And when I heard the story of my cast-mate’s strange encounter in a theatre parking lot I knew I’d hit pay dirt.  

My cast-mate (let’s call her “Shirley”) had been walking to her car as “Olive” drove up.  Olive rolled down her passenger car window so they could chat. 

After a few minutes Shirley noticed that Olive’s dog was sleeping on the passenger seat.  “Oh! I didn’t notice your dog,” Shirley said.  “Sorry I was speaking so loudly. I wouldn’t want to wake him up. He’s sleeping so peacefully.”
“You don’t have to worry about waking up little Poopsie,” Olive said sentimentally.

Because Poopsie had actually pooped out years ago.  Poopsie’s freeze-died body was sleeping peacefully on the car seat, thanks to the miracles of modern science. 

WTH?  Surely Shirley was joking.

“Are you sure, Shirl?”  I asked. “It must have been a stuffed animal.  Who would freeze-dry their dog?”
“That was no stuffed animal,” she said.  “Trust me.”

Being the skeptic that I am, I googled “freeze-dried dog” and, low and behold, I found the link for

“A Loving and Lasting Alternative”

OMG.  According to the web site, freeze-drying “preserves a pet in a natural state thereafter, without any alteration in appearance. This allows pet owners to see, touch and hold their pets."

And take their freeze-dried carcasses for car rides!

Am I the only one creeped out by this?  Can’t they just take a picture of their pet?  

And it’s not cheap.  For a 2 pound dog, it would cost $375.  It’s $795 for a 7 to 10 pound dog and $60 for each pound over 10 pounds.  

I looked down at Kevin, and quickly did the math.  $855 for him to last into eternity. 

Or I could take a picture of him for free.

What if I’d gotten a St. Bernard instead of a Pomeranian?  They weigh 160 pounds, on average.  That’s $9,795.  And think how hard it would be to move poor freeze-dried Beethoven into the passenger seat.

Apparently, freeze-dried cats are also popular.  I checked out some of the photos on the perpetual pet web site and found Princess Snowflake, complete with a tiara.  

Now, I’m not really a cat person, but I know enough about cats to know that they do not willingly wear tiaras.  In fact, if Princess Snowflake could have talked, she probably would have said, “A tiara?  Over my dead body.”   

I guess that’s what you call Cat Karma.

Some pet owners had their pets freeze-dried in poses, apparently to make them into more interesting art work.  

Which gave me an idea.  If you’re going to go the time and expense of freeze-drying your pet, why not convert them into a functional household object, rather than just a sentimental piece of art. 

But then again, $855 is a bit pricey for a Paper Towel Holder.  Even a cute one like this.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

The VPLs

I was on an opening night high.  The audience loved the show, and I was hearing praise from everyone about what a great job I'd done portraying 70-year old Aunt Ruth in Marvin's Room.  

It was hard to believe that someone as young and immature vibrant as myself could be transformed into crippled old Aunt Ruth. 

My head was growing exponentially with ever complement.

I was soaking them in.  More, more... tell me more. 

Maybe I will quit my day job and move to Hollywood.  Because, clearly, I am the next Meryl Streep. 

Then Jim told me more.  

He said, "You know what I liked best about your performance?"  I started anticipating his response.  The way I embodied Ruth's spirit?  My subtle nuances in the kitchen scene?  The way I emoted Ruth's love of life? 

I asked, humbly.

"Your VPLs."

"Excuse me?"  I said. 

"Your VPLs," Jim repeated, chuckling to himself.

I had no idea what he was talking about.  Very pretty legs?  Very perky lips? 

I was afraid to ask.  "Um, what is a VPL?"

"Your Visual Panty Lines!" Jim said.  "When you bent over and walked across the stage it was hysterical!"

Tiffany, our costumer joined in, "I know!  I loved it!  What a great idea to wear granny panties!  I almost peed my pants!" 

Except those were my granny panties and they were not supposed to be part of the damn costume.

OMG.  Everyone in the audience saw my panty lines.

I tried to play it cool, but my beet red face, which I pointed directly into my glass of beer, was not helping my cause.

Then I remembered what a great actor I was and, in my best Merryl Streep voice I proclaimed,

"I thought it would add to my credibility to my role."     

Sunday, March 2, 2014

The Reference

Why did I open my big fat mouth?  It was my own idea!

Kimmy  told me that she FINALLY found an apartment for rent in Jackson, Wyoming, where affordable apartments are as scarce as a zit on a Barbie doll.  She was completing the application and speculating about how competitive it was going to be to get that apartment.

She told me that they wanted references from her most recent landlord.

A light bulb went off in my head.  “You know, you could always put me down as your landlord", I said. We do have different last names."

Did I really say that? 

Because, lo and behold, I got back from lunch on Thursday afternoon and there was a message from THE LANDLORD, wanting to talk to me about one of my former tenants: Kimmy Walt.

Did I mention what a horrible liar I am?  I have numerous blogs about my poker go fish face and my complete inability to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes. 

How the heck could I have a phone conversation with THE LANDLORD about my former tenant, Kimmy Walt? 

I imagined the conversation.  It would start with an innocuous question like, “Do you remember a tenant named Kimmy Walt?”  My heart would start pounding. Sweat would pour down my face.   My voice would shake uncontrollably as I would attempt to choke out a feeble “yes”.   

He'd see right through me and Kimmy would never get the apartment.

I called Dave for advice. 

“Don’t go into any details,” Dave advised.  “Keep it very high level.  She paid her rent on time and left her apartment clean.  Period. ”

Her rent?   I sent her to Food Lion for me.   She was my ping pong opponent.  She drank wine with me and watched The Bachelor.

That was her rent. 

How could I tell him that I would have paid her rent to stay with us for 3 months?  And that I should be asking HIM for references?

But I am very crafty, indeed.   Being a nerd, I did the math.  If I waited until 2 pm EST to return the call, THE LANDLORD might be at lunch.

And he was.  Whew.  I confidently told his voice mail that Kimmy was an excellent tenant.  She stayed with us for 3 months after returning to the U.S. from Australia.  She paid her rent on time and left her apartment in pristine condition.

I didn’t mention how empty our house feels without her.

And guess what!   

She got the apartment!

Lucky for her I wasn’t on SKYPE!