Saturday, June 27, 2015

Rebranding the Fanny Pack

I admit it.  I was a bit fashion backwards when it came to giving up my fanny pack.

I refused to believe that such a functional accessory would ever go out of style.

Much to the chagrin of my children.

"Mom.  The '80s are over." 

"But it holds my keys.  Any my money.  And tampons."

"MOM!  Take that off!  What if we see someone from school?"

"And pens. And candy.  And puzzles."


In the end, when faced with the choice of my fanny pack or my family, I reluctantly picked my family.

And Kimmy someone threw away my fanny pack. 

Fanny packs get no respect.  Remember Jerry’s line to George on Seinfeld?

“It looks like your belt is digesting a small animal."

Well,  guess what?  Fanny packs are coming back.  Except they're being re-branded.  

They are no longer called fanny packs.  They are "Hands Free Bags."

I hope Kimmy has gotten over her aversion to fanny packs, because I'm getting a Hands Free Bag for my trip to New Zealand.

I just can't decide which style.  I've got it narrowed down to two:  the Unicorn Hands Free Bag

and the Glitter Hands Free Bag. Since I'll be representing the United States, I'm leaning towards this one.

I hope she doesn't get on my case about wearing a hands free bag. 

Because, really.  It could be way worse.  


Sunday, June 21, 2015

Beetle Mania

As soon as I saw the Japanese Rhinoceros Beetle Earrings on the Japan Trend Shop web site I knew I must have a pair.

Imagine the fun I would have!   I mean, it looks like that stinkin' thing is crawling O.U.T. of her E.A.R. 

(I love doing that period between the letter thing.) 

But I really couldn’t justify the $40 price tag.  And that’s for just one earring. 

I mean, really.... Why would I spend $80 for a pair of Japanese Rhinoceros Beetle Earrings when I could make my own?

I was a bit disappointed to find that the Dollar Store was out of toy beetles. I had no choice but to look at Walmart, where I wandered the toy department unsuccessfully. 

Nothing.  Are you kidding me?  No toy beetles?!! What is wrong with this world? 

I asked an employee if they had any rubber cockroaches.
"You mean the ones that you get to scare people?” he asked. 
“I guess.”
“Well, what are you going to do with it?”
“Make cockroach earrings."
 “I don't think we have any,” he said as he walked away. 

I finally found a bag of plastic bugs in the party favor department.  But they were pastel colored.  I'm sorry, but who is going to be fooled by a stinkin' pastel Palmetto bug?

Then I had a scathingly brilliant idea.  The fishing aisle had bugs.  Bugs that fooled fish.  If they fooled fish, they would certainly fool my friends.  And co-workers.

Did I ever score.  I found the grossest, most realistic package of bait I could ever imagine.


I grabbed the package of Crazy Legs Chigger Craw and went to the craft section to pick up some earring wire.

What was that smell?  

These people of Walmart need to shower.  Gross.

I stopped at the pharmacy to get a prescription.  Again.  That smell.  People, it’s 100 degrees outside.  You have to wear deodorant. 

When I was checking out of the store I came to the realization that my Crazy Legs Chigger Craw was scented.  To attract fish.  

It was not the People of Walmart.  It was my Crazy Legs Chigger Craw.

There’s no way I was going to have Crazy Legs Chigger Craw earrings within 3 inches of my nose.

I had no choice but to purchase the pouch of pastel beetles. When I got home I picked out the most realistic looking critter in the bag and went to work.  

I just had to saw him in half and insert the earring stud.


I think my new earrings are amazing. 
That beetle may not look realistic, but he does match my hat.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Linked In on the Highway

I admit it.  Sometimes when I leave work I have a hard time shutting off my brain. 

A thought will come in my head and I’ll say- Yes! I need to analyze it THAT way! Or OMG- maybe X is correlated to Y! 

Or did I leave my soda in the break room?

But my sister-in-law Maureen, of dead squirrel in the living room fame, has way too many brain tabs open on her commute.

She’s been in “hiring mode,” at work the past few days, attempting to fill a vacant position at work.  To that end, she has started assessing drivers on her to commute to work.  

Introducing Mo, my guest blogger:

Lately it seems that my friends on the highway are under some kind of blanked out spell - it’s like someone took the whole organized system and shook it up and tossed it back out. Seriously, dude. Full moon? Who knows. Vernal equinox? Mayhaps. Whatever. No matter.

This morning it must have been my brain under the spell of the vernal equinox because I found myself assessing the goofy driver who abruptly decelerated at the beginning of the exit ramp. I am staring at the back of the head of the driver of the red truck, creating an assessment of sorts. “Crumbles under pressure”, “air of uncertainty”, “reluctant to take charge”, “clueless of surroundings”. Hmmm. Had I been doing this all week?

“I’m gonna give you a heart attack” drivers. You KNOW them - zooming up from the right…”WHAT THE SHIT WAS THAT?”. Across three lanes to the left, no blinker, why bother really. We are all too busy calling 911 for our heart palpitations. THESE people - the ultimate poor planner. Zooming up the right lane only to be slowed by …. wait…SLOW DRIVERS. In the slow lane. Yes. Assessment brain: “Poor planning skills”, “slow to catch on” (you know they swerve from the left back to the right only to run into the same…SLOW DRIVERS. Assessment: “must have elevator going to the top issues”, “unable to grasp most basic concepts of community living”, “likely to sneak up behind coworkers and sound an air horn”. “Believes the world revolves around him”.

I’ll close with the most recent, most annoying of all annoying drivers. The two or three who ride side by side, nary a one accelerating ahead of the other. No you go first, I insist. Really, I don’t mind, I’ll just stay right here beside you. I know highway driving is scary. If we all stick together none of these other scary drivers can get near us. As the follower of this band of brothers, what can you do? Sit back, enjoy their camaraderie? Pull off and get a coffee? Drive up the shoulder zooming to 100 erratic MPH. There really is not solution except to assess. “Must have spent time in a convent”, “enjoys singing Kumbaya while holding hands with friends” or I don’t even know what. What??

Unfortunately, Mo didn't find any qualified prospects on her commute.

I decided to help her.  And I think I found the perfect employee!  I don't know if she's knows Excel or PowerPoint. 

But she sure can muti-task. 

Saturday, June 6, 2015

I'm Lou and this is my aha moment

The Mutual of Omaha Aha Moment people found me through my blog.  They thought I might have an aha moment I could share in their 34-foot Airstream mobile film studio as part of the 2015 Aha Moment Road tour.  
These guys travel the country and film people talking about their aha moments.  How cool!

Me?  Have an aha moment?  Damn right I have!  

I’ve written 375 blog posts.  I’ve got at least 375 aha moments.  
But how could I possibly pick just one?

The Aha Moment people sent me a link to all the aha moments they’ve taped over the past 6 years in their around the country mobile studio.  I decided to take a look.

Oh dear.

They are all sappy.  And inspirational. 

The bullied child.  The woman who lost her child.  The lady who climbed a mountain. 

Did they even read my blog? 

It’s a damn good that I did my research.  Here’s what COULD have happened yesterday.

I step into the mobile studio and meet Jessica, the interviewer.  She asks me to have a seat, get comfortable, and tell her my aha moment.  The camera is running.

“Hi.  I’m Lou and this is my aha moment.  I learned that you can make earrings out of Moose Poop.  Who’da guessed?!!  When I head about those earrings, I said, aha!”

Jessica laughs politely and says,  “Lou, do you have another aha moment you can share?”

And I say, “Sure!  I have 374 other aha moments”

“Go ahead.  Pick one.” 

Hi.  I’m Lou and this is my aha moment.   A few years ago I was trying to set my husband’s underwear on fire on the driveway with Barbie  roller blades and it didn’t work.  You see I accidentally used Dry Shampoo instead of Hair Spray.   Duh!!!  Now THAT was an aha moment.”

Jessica says, “That’s such a good aha moment.  Can you think of another one?”

“Oh, I know!  When I first got my  Wine Rack Sports Bra and decided to try it out with Diet Coke instead of wine and I filled it up too much and, well, it was really cold on my boobs, and not very comfortable, but the worst part was when I tried to take a sip out of the secret straw it sprayed Diet Coke up my nose.  OMG was that ever an aha moment!”

Jessica smiles and says, “Thank you, Lou.  I think we have enough.” 
But thankfully, I DID my research and I had one blog, out of 375, that could possibly work.  The   French Braid that changed my life.

I wouldn’t call it sappy.   Or inspirational.

But Jessica seemed to like it. It was "original".

Now THAT was an aha moment.