Sunday, February 26, 2017

Make Way for the Segway

It was actually my idea to take a Segway Tour of Winston-Salem, NC.

Me.  Nearly a senior citizen.  Recovering from Rotator Cuff surgery.  Why the hell not?

Before starting, we had to watch a training video.  I was a bit unnerved to learn that you drive these things by leaning.

Deanna, our tour guide, held my Segway in place as I climbed aboard.  She told me to lean forward.  And away I went!

She told me to lean back and I slowed and eventually came to a stop. 

Next, I leaned to the right and turned in a clockwise circle.  Leaned to the left and turned counter-clockwise.  

I passed the mini-cone obstacle course with flying colors.  

I named my segway "Trigger".

"Let's go, Trigger!" I said as I drove up and down the ramp.  To slow Trigger down I just leaned back.  To speed him up, I leaned forward.

Easy peasy.

And we set off on our tour.  Trigger and I took up the rear behind my sister Linda and Deanna.

All went well until Deanna stopped us in front of an historic home.  

"Woah, Trigger!"  I leaned back.  Then I started going in reverse.  So I leaned forward.  And went forward.  There was no middle ground.


The only way I could find to stay put was to twirl in a circle.

Deanna: And this is the Kibler house which was built in 1848.  Daniel Kibler was....Lou are you okay?

Lou: I'm fine.  How do you stop this thing?

Deanna: Stop leaning to the right.

Lou: Like this?

Deanna: Watch out.  You're going to hit me.

Lou: Sorry.

Deanna: Now you're going backward.

Lou: I think Trigger and I will twirl for a while.

Deanna: Let's move on.

And we continued our tour.  Trigger and I were doing great!  No problem at all.  Until.

Deanna: Let's stop at this house for a minute.


Deanna:  This house was built in 1849 by Ely Reynolds, a slave owner whose wife died while giving birth to his second child.  Notice the slope of the roof.  Lou, are you okay?

Lou: I'm fine.  How do you stop?  I forgot.

Deanna: Just stop leaning to the left.  Stand up straight.  Watch out.  You're going to hit me.  Again.

Lou: Oops. Sorry.

The rest of the tour went great!  We never stopped.

At the risk of sounding arrogant, I've got killer Segway skills.  

In fact, I think I'm going to quit my day job and become a mall cop.

And if I ever have to chase a shoplifter?  No problem!

I'll round him right up.

Monday, February 13, 2017

The Naval Warmer

Being cold natured, I'm a big fan of "warmer" gear.  Hand Warmers?  Ear Warmers?  Leg Warmers?  Bring'm on.

I even have a Neck Warmer.

But I've never considered getting a Navel Warmer. 

It just never occurred to me that warming my navel would help warm up my entire body.  But according to the Japan Trend Shop it does!

My Mom always told me to wear a hat in the winter because my body heat would escape through my head if it wasn't covered.

The Navel Warmer probably works the same way.

But then again, I rarely leave home with my navel uncovered.  Part of the reason I keep it covered is that I'd freeze my butt off if my navel was uncovered. 

A more significant reason for leaving it covered is that I fear exposing my navel to the world would cause significant civil unrest.

Wait a minute!  I may have this all wrong.

Perhaps leaving my naval exposed in public would actually reduce divisiveness!  People from all races, genders, and political agendas would unite for this cause.

"Gross!  Who does she think she is?  BeyoncĂ©?"
"I wish I could un-see that." 

"Cover that thing up!"

I have my doubts about the new Lady Warmer Hezo Kyu Navel Warmer

They claim it's practical (and safe!) in that you don't need to light anything up.  You just put the Navel Warmer in the microwave for 30 seconds, take it out, and place it on your naval.

That's so much better (and safer!) than lighting a campfire atop your navel.

But then again, the Lady Warmer Hezo Kyi Navel Warmer is not inexpensive ($210 plus shipping and handling).
I think I'll just take my chance with the campfire.

Besides, if the fire spreads, I'll warm up even faster.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

The Missing Questions

The email came out of the blue.  From a marketing manager at PuppySpot, a company whose mission it is to make lives better by placing healthy puppies into happy homes.  One thing I liked about PuppySpot is their "No Puppy Mill Promise."  They have zero tolerance for substandard breeding practices.  Amen!

Rachel thought it would be great if I would let my readers know about a fun flowchart she had created that helps link personality traits in people to their most compatible breeds.  She offered to show it to me.

Even though I hate puppies, I asked Rachel to send me her flowchart so I could consider writing about it.

OK, you guys all know that I'm lying about hating puppies, right?  I like puppies way better than most people.  Especially teenagers.  And politicians.

Here's Rachel's fun flow chart.

It starts off well.  The first question is, "Where do you live?" which is a very helpful question to help you narrow down the optimal breed of your future pup.  Although the rest of the questions are good, the list seems to me to be incomplete.

Um, Rachel?  I respectfully suggest adding the following questions to your flowchart:

"Do you own a good vacuum cleaner?"  and "Do you have packing tape?"  If the answer to both of these questions is no, you should probably avoid a Chow Chow.

And what about, "How big is your shovel?"  Unless it is large, you may want to cross Great Danes off your list. 

"Do you mind if your dog eats your furniture?" is also missing from the list, as is "Do you  mind if your puppy eats your underwear?"  If the answer to either of these questions is yes, you may want to get a fish.

And what about, "Do you want to dress up your dog for social occasions?"  I'm pretty sure there are some breeds that would not be amenable to wearing a doggie tutu.

But then again, maybe I'm wrong about that.