Saturday, November 30, 2013

Zig Zag

When you think about inventions that have changed our world, you most certainly consider things like the wheel, the Internet and the mobile phone.

And, of course, the Baby Mop.

Well I have just learned of a new Japanese invention that is certain to make it onto that coveted list.

The Yasukuni Notchless Tape Dispenser.

Yes.  You read it right.  It is a notchless tape dispenser.

I know what you're thinking.  How can Scotch Tape be notchless?  It's impossible.

I felt the same way until I read the product description from Japan Trend Shop Web Site: 

Don't you just hate those zigzag lines you get when cut tape? Well, this special tape dispenser will leave only straight lines for a clean, satisfying result.

I am thrilled beyond words!

I will no longer have to manually cut those irritating zig-zags off strips of Scotch Tape while wrapping my holiday gifts.  

This will save me hours upon hours.  

Hours that I can dedicate to my blog. That’s what you call a secondary product benefit.

Those Japanese are stinkin' amazing.  I am humbled by their ingenuity.

And the Yasukuni Notchless Tape Dispenser is very economical, costing only $40 per roll, plus shipping and handling.

I have just one request.  

I think they should get started on the Yasukuni Notchless Tin Foil Dispenser.

Those zig-zags are getting on my every last nerve. 

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Completing the Collection

I have mixed feelings about the world-wide shortage of Drunken Mexican Toothpick Holders. 

On one hand, I am distressed that I cannot add to my original collection of two.  On the other hand, the laws of supply and demand tell me that my collection is priceless.

Over the years, I’ve had to relax my standards to add to my Drunken Mexican Toothpick Holder collection.  I first added Fred, who actually was a toothpick holder.

But he was not Mexican, nor was he drunk.  I gave him a sombrero and a bottle, greatly enhancing his credibility.

I was then able to double my Drunken Mexican Toothpick Holder collection when I got my hands on 3 Justin Bieber figurines.  

And with some creative acupuncture treatments, I converted them into 3 rather impressive toothpick holders. 

(Admittedly, they are not Mexican, nor are they drunk, but they do hold toothpicks.)

My friend Jamie got my collection back on track by creating an original Drunken Mexican Toothpick Holder for me (see the Drunken Mexican in yellow hat, below).  I added a naughty baby doll and I now own the largest collection of Drunken Mexican Toothpick Holders in the entire world: 8.

At the risk of sounding greedy, I feel the need to add to my Drunken Mexican Toothpick Holder collection.  

The truth is, I’m hosting a holiday party in a few weeks and really want to impress my guests. 

To that end, I scoured every booth in each and every Straw Market I could find on my recent trip to the Bahamas.  

To no avail.

I realize that the Bahamas are nowhere near Mexico.  

But what about a Drunken Bob Marley Toothpick Holder?  Is that asking too much?

Not a single one.

This is ridiculous.  Do I have to come up with EVERY idea?  Come on, Straw Market people.  Okay, I'll build the prototype. 

You can take it from there.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Preparing for the Test

I’ve prepared for many tests in my life:  SATGREthe final exam to my Rocket Science 801 class. 

They were all frolics in the park compared to preparing for a Colonoscopy.  

(For those of you not familiar with a Colonoscopy, imagine a camera going on a hike through your netherlands; the trail head is your tush.)

To prepare for a Colonoscopy, you must completely empty the contents of your colon to make it squeaky clean.  

Please allow me to mention that a colon is 5 stinkin’ feet long.  (Which means, in my case, it about reaches to my eyelashes.)

The prep involves drinking a massive container of the most vile tasting liquid ever concocted: a bubbly mixture of fluids drained from an autopsy table combined with bleu cheese.

The instructions suggest that you hold your nose as you drink it.  

Good call.

But it works.   Minutes after I drained the glass, I relocated to the bathroom where, for the next 4 hours, I achingly excreted everything I’d eaten over the past 90 days.  


After choking down the second gallon, I hobbled back to my home away from home.  I fully expected it to be a waste of time, since there was clearly nothing remaining inside me, except a few worn out organs. 

But I was sorely wrong.  And angry.  I looked down at the contents of the toilet bowl accusingly, “Where are you coming from?”  I growled.

Well.  That stinkin' Autopsy Juice was so effective,  I pooped out food that was on next week’s shopping list.  For that matter, I pooped out everything I considered eating in the next 5 years.   And Chris Christie’s breakfast.  

I continued to purge for 4 more hours until all that remained of me was a stinky pile of skin and bones.

You know what?  The whole process wouldn’t have been nearly as bad if I didn't have to drink that damn Autopsy Juice

Or if Autopsy Juice tasted good.  Like wine.  Or Margaritas.

Or Gummy Bears.

Next time I need a Colonoscopy I’m ordering myself some Haribo Gummy Candy Sugarless Gummy Bears. Believe me.  I’ve done my homework.  I’ve read the reviews on and these guys work just as well as Autopsy Juice.  

But they taste great!  And look at these amazing reviews!

"I ate a bag of those b*tches once. Once. What occurred later can only be described with words like volcanic confetti."

"When I got these, I couldn't contain my excitement and I ate about a quarter of a bag. There would have been less pressure to make two winning free throws in the NBA finals than for gas to escape my bowels. This kind of diarrhea made me think of a new invention.... seat belts for the toilet. I had such diarrhea that I was producing thrust."

"They made my dog pass out."

One woman apparently gave them to her son.

"My eyes focused on my son. Still laying in bed. His bed. It looked like a crime scene. A crime scene where the blood is brown...and stinky. His Thomas the Train bed was sprayed with the brown poo-water. His sheets, his pillow, his Winnie The Pooh (ironic?) stuffed animal.  The poo-juice had covered my sweet son's hair, streaked across his face. The folds of his chubby little legs."

This review came from a true Philanthropist:

"I will hand these out on Halloween.  Just doing my part to end childhood obesity."

I, too, fancy myself a Philanthropist.  I am always looking for ways to "give back" to my readers.  To that end, I am in the process of developing an awareness campaign targeted at Gastroenterologists to introduce them to Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears:  A delicious alternative to Autopsy Juice.
You’re welcome.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

The Best Seat in the House

I’m always on the lookout for exciting new vacation destinations. 

However, at the risk of appearing pompous, my tastes have become quite refined as I’ve matured. 

For example, I will not stay at an “otel” beginning with an "M".

I’ve also become quite discriminating in terms of vacation attractions.  I do my homework.  Before booking an excursion, I carefully study attraction reviews on TripAdvisor.

Which is how I found out about the amazing Suwon Toilet Museum, also known as Mr. Toilet House. 

Mr. Toilet House has a fascinating history. Allow me to share that with you.

 Apparently, a Korean businessman named Sim Jae-duck (affectionately called Mr. Toilet) built the world’s first toilet shaped house.  He wanted to give recognition to the humble toilet, and the heavy load this under-appreciated toilet must bear, each and every day.

(As a side note, I also appreciate the humble toilet.  In fact, considering the vast experience I’ve gained blogging about toilets and pooping and peeing, I humbly believe I've earned the title of Ms. ToiletMany times over.)

When Mr. Toilet passed away in 2009, he generously donated his porcelain estate to the city of Suwon, where it was converted into Mr. Toilet House.  

I’m not making this crap up.

Take a look at this amazing place!  

In fact, Mr. Toilet House was ranked number 3 of 40 attractions in Suwon on Trip Advisor!  (Right behind the Hwaseong Fortress and the Hwaseong HaengGung).  The reviews were stinkin’ amazing:

"Sounds like a strange place...a toilet house with an adjacent park dedicated to toilets and going to the bathroom. That said, it's actually quite interesting and worth the trip to Suwon to see it." 

"A homage to the best seat in the house"

"水原シティツアーに含まれてました。行きたかったのでちょうどよかったです。中心地から少し離れているので個人で行かれるのはタクシーでしょうか?中は、 フリーダムなトイレの博物館です。口に出すと少し照れますが、金のう○ちのオブジェやそのほかの展示もあり、博物館がトイレの形になっています。笑いのネ タになりますよ"
Since many of you may not be as familiar with the Korean language as I am, I will translate this review to English.  

You’re welcome. 

"It was just right because it wanted to go. Inside is a museum of toilets Freedom. You embarrassed a little when I put in mouth, but sometimes exhibit and other objects Chino ○ sac gold, museum has become a form of toilet. It becomes the story of laughter."

No wonder the poor guy was embarrassed. 

It's probably not a good idea to put anything from Mr. Toilet House in your mouth. 

Friday, November 1, 2013

The Slim Jim

"Mom, you know how your nose is connected to your mouth?" 

I had no clue where this question was headed.

"Yeah..." I said cautiously.

"Because I was eating a Slim Jim and it..." 

I put my hands over my ears and started singing, "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA"

But Linda was relentless.  "Mom!  I have a Slim Jim up my nose.  And it's spicy."

How do you help a teenager with a Slim Jim stuck up her nose?  Just looking at a Slim Jim turns my stomach.  The thought of one in her nose made me wretch.

"Have you tried blowing your nose?" I suggested, feebly.

"Mom!  It's too big to come out!"
she insisted.  "And it's burning me.  Help!"

As an aside, I'm no stinkin' ENT, but I am pretty good at math.  And angles.  

And for the life of me, I cannot figure out how that Slim Jim could have made what is nearly a U-turn at Linda's Uvula to end up in her nose. 

And look at the size of that passageway from the Uvula to the nasal cavity.  It's a good thing Jim was slim.  (Sorry. Couldn't resist)

I decided to consult the experts.  Yahoo Answers usually has good medical advice.   

Q.  "While I was eating someone made me laugh and food got stuck in my nose, OMG its been in there for a long time it's like right at the top of my nose. OMG please help I'm really worried!"

The first suggestion was not helpful:

"i think the nose is somehow connected thru the throat.. if you know it's there try to blow your nose. since it doesn't work..uh.. sniff and swallow? it might come out of ur mouth or just go to ur stomach lol no biggie? think of it as...snot.."

The second suggestion simply gave me the creeps :

"If it is possible you could use tweezers"

And the third was suggested by someone who clearly considered himself a comedian.

"Use a vacuum cleaner"

However, that recommendation stimulated an amazing nerdling epiphany.  I had the perfect solution to Linda's problem.  Nearly at my fingertips.

It was packed away in my blog bucket: 
My Nosefrida.  If it worked on an infant, it would certainly work on Linda!

I ran to Linda's bedroom, "Here I come to save the day," I sang, sounding exactly like Super Man.

Then, switching tunes, "I'm gonna suck that Slim Jim right out of your nose." I waved my Nosefrida and proceeded to dance as if I were shampooing my hair on a beach in the South Pacific.

Linda looked at me as if I'd grown a second head.  "I hacked it out already," she said. 

"Seriously?"  I was awash with disappointment.   Until I had a
desperate scathingly brilliant  idea.

"Perhaps you some left-over noogies I can help you with?"  I offered.