Tuesday, December 30, 2014

The Trash Can

Dave’s favorite Christmas present this year came from me.

Yep.  I bought him the hideous, plastic kitchen trash can. 

To replace my lovely stainless steel one.  With the foot pedal. 

You see, nobody in the house could figure out how to put in a new liner.  Except for me.

For two years I had heard nothing but complaints about that trash can. 

“It’s not that complicated,” I’d explain for the umpteenth time.  “You just tighten the bag around the top and then push the ties through the hole.”
Unfortunately, Dave and Linda were in the “special class.” 

They refused to deal with it.  I’d come home to this:

And this:

Then one day I noticed a plastic grocery bag sitting on the kitchen counter.  With trash in it.

“Ugh!  What is this??”

“Oh.  Your trash can was full and I couldn’t replace the bag.”

Somehow, it had become “my” trash can.  (Kind of like how Kevin is my dog when he’s naughty.)

I gave up.  You can’t train chimpanzees to jump on pogo sticks.  Similarly, you can’t train Dave and Linda to replace trash can liners in my perfectly functional and attractive stainless steel kitchen trash can.

Several weeks before Christmas I began my search for a replacement kitchen trash can.  I came home empty handed every time.   I just couldn’t bring myself to buy one.

I loved my trash can.  

On December 23rd I stood in front of an entire wall of trash cans at Bed, Bath and Beyond, a blue 20% off postcard dangling from my fingers. 

Not one of the twenty-seven trash cans on display looked better than my loyal trash can with the foot pedal.

And they all had the same sort of replacement bag system, which requires tightening the liner and pushing the ties through a hole. 

Except, of course, the (gulp) plastic ones.

I began hyperventilating. 

I called Kimmy.  “I can’t do it!”
“Can’t do what?”
“Buy a new kitchen trash can,” I said, my voice raising an octave.  
“Why not?”
“I need your help!!!” I wailed as I ran out of the store, the postcard fluttering to the ground where it landed in a cold dark puddle.  

Kimmy promised to go to Walmart with me the next day.

Christmas Eve at Walmart was a cacophony of craziness.  Last minute shoppers crowded every aisle buying gifts for their loved ones and hunting friends.  Thankfully, we were the only ones buying a last minute kitchen trash can.

“Look they all have the same replacement bag system!” I stated.  “The system that your Dad can’t master.” 

“Not the plastic ones,” Kimmy observed.


“Suck it up, Mom.  This is for Dad, not you.”

We picked out a very ugly black plastic kitchen trash can.  

Kevin could replace its liners if he had opposable thumbs. 

The rest is history.

Except for one thing.  Dave can’t figure out how to fit the cover on the trash can over the liner.

And I’m not helping. 

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Toot Toot

When I saw the latest product on the Japan Trend Shop's web site I realized that I am not equipped to evaluate men’s underwear.  

I studied the advertising copy:

Toot  is a super durable series of underwear. But that's not all. The Toot Nano Colors No Slip Underwear look great AND are designed to keep your little friend in the same position. That's right. Whatever happens, your buddy won't move around because it is being housed in a special Toot cup.

I had no idea that men struggled with this problem!  I decided to interview the man in the house to determine if that is an issue in this country.

Lou: How important is it that your underwear prevents your buddy from moving around?
Dave: My what?

Lou: Your buddy…you know…your little friend…your penis.
Dave: What are you doing?  Go away.
Lou: Come on!  I’m doing serious research for my blog.  Does your buddy move around in your underwear?
Dave: Go away.  No comment.

As I was walking away, dejected by the outcome of my interview, Dave threw me a bone.

“Not if you’re wearing a jock strap.”


But that didn't really shed much light on the situation.  I was still skating on thin ice.  I needed more data.

I decided to ask my brother.  

He has one.

Lou: How important is it that your underwear prevents your buddy from moving around?
Tom: Short leash.  Not a problem.


I guess maybe the Toot Nano Colors Underwear would be of value to those men without a short leash. 

But do they work?  Do they really keep your buddy still?

Apparently there is a sophisticated underwear engineering test lab located in Japan where the Toot Underwear was taken through a gamut of testing.  It was all documented in this video.

(Oh, my.  What a handsome test engineer.)

After viewing the test video, I became convinced of two things.  First, the Toot Nano Colors No Slip Underwear would certainly come in handy under certain conditions.  

Regardless of the length of your leash.

Secondly, and most importantly, I’m glad I don’t have a penis.  

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Having a Ball!

Sometimes the best products fail because of a poorly executed advertising campaign.  Such is the case with Japan Trend Shop's newest pet product: The Oppo Food Ball for Dogs

Here's how it is advertised;

The Oppo Food Ball for Dogs is designed to help your pooch get more out of a meal. It will move around as your pet munches away on the food inside, helping the contents gather at the bottom and making it easier for the animal to get to that last nourishing lick. After all, there's nothing more upsetting than a frustrated canine! 

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think the Oppo Food Ball for Dogs essentially turns a dog's meal time into a game of bobbing for apples.

They need a new marketing strategy.  Their advertising is completely off target.   Being the marketing genius that I am, I've decided to share some ideas with them.

It is the holiday season, after all.

Concept #1:  Does your dog inhale his food?  Does he have

indigestion from eating too fast?  Break bad habits with the Oppo Food Ball for Dogs.  Make dinnertime last hours instead of seconds.  Guaranteed to increase his mealtime by 800%.

Concept #2: Are you tired of taking your dog for endless walks?  Let him exercise himself with the new Oppo Food Ball for Dogs.  Sit back and relax while Rover works out as he eats.

Concept #3: Has your dog been naughty?  Show him who’s boss with the Oppo Food Ball for Dogs.  Make him earn every kernel of food he eats.

OMG!  I just had a scathingly brilliant idea.  

The Nerdling Food Ball for Teenagers.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Nerdling Sea Monkeys

I'm not sure what went wrong.

It certainly wasn't for lack of enthusiasm.  

OK,  I'll admit it.  I occasionally rush into projects when I get excited.  And I was REALLY excited about raising a family of Sea Monkeys.

But I promise you.  I did not rush this time.  

I even recruited my friend George to be my lab assistant.  He brought over all the necessary equipment.  And we followed the directions to a tee. 

Step #1 involved adding powder from Envelope #1 to the water.  

Then we had to wait for 24 long hours for Step 2, which involved adding the freeze dried Sea Monkeys contained in Envelope #2 to the water.

Then I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

But the Sea Monkeys never hatched.  A bunch of stinkin' duds.

So Kevin remains an only child.  

You know what's even more disappointing?  I will never be able to publish a sea monkey poem on www.seamonkeyworship.com

And join the likes of Alexis: 

and Leesa:

But wait!  If my poem was exceptionally good maybe I could fool the sea monkey worship people!   

(They don't have to know my Sea Monkeys died in utero.)

I decided to give it a whirl. 

Nerdling Sea Monkeys

Sea Monkeys swimming
Around in their aqua world
Studying chi square and

Submitted by Lou Clyde

I'm so proud.  It brought tears to my eyes.

Admittedly, it would be a wee bit humiliating if I were discovered to be a fraud: a fake Sea Monkey mom.  But I decided to throw caution to the wind and submit my poem to the seamonkey worship people anyhow.

And I got this message: The e-mail message could not be delivered because the user's mailfolder is full.

An ordinary poet might be discouraged.  But not me! 

There's always The New Yorker.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Satisfying Barbie

Barbie was so mad at me.  She didn't like her hair cut.  She's one of "those" people who believes that a good cut actually makes your hair look longer.

Hello....Barbie!  I cut your hair.  That makes it shorter.  Not longer.

She was driving me absolutely nuts.  Pouting all the time.  Apparently, she wanted to look like her friend Totally Hair Barbie.  

I told her, "I'm a hairstylist.  Not a magician."  

And at the risk of offending poor Barbie, how could I possibly be expected to create a Totally Hair Barbie hairstyle on a...well ...  Let's call a spade a spade.  A Somewhat Hair Barbie.

With that said, customer satisfaction is priority for me.  There had to be some way to make my client happy.

Then I had a scathingly brilliant idea. I would make Barbie hair extensions.  

I studied the picture of Totally Hair Barbie.  Her hair reminded me of something.  OMG!  I realized it was a cross between Kevin's new rope toy and a drapery tassel. 

Unfortunately, Kevin was not the least bit interested in sharing his rope toy with Barbie so I went to Plan B.  

I painstakingly attached the drapery tassel extensions to Barbie's hair and I thought she looked beautiful.

"It's not long enough!" Barbie whined.

Lucky for her I had a Plan C.

Barbie loves her new extensions.  And guess what!!  I have a new client!

Totally Hair Barbie wants a perm and some color.