Sunday, June 30, 2013

Guidance Counselor Barbie

Kids these days have it so damn easy.

When I was exploring careers, I had to do research.  Read books.  Thick books.  In the Guidance Counselor's office.

Do you how much work was involved in narrowing down my list of potential careers from sheepherder to nerd? 

Damn straight.

I couldn't just turn to my Barbie doll for career options. Like this generation can.

Nope.  The only thing I could do with my Barbie Doll was dress her up.  And try and get those stinkin' shoes to stay on her stupid pointy feet.

If only Barbie I Can Be Dolls had been around when I was a kid.  Who knows what I may have become.

I could have been a Pancake Chef!  

(I could also have been a Pancake Chef-African American, although I'm not exactly sure how that would have worked.)

What if I had owned an I Can Be a Splash and Spin Dolphin Trainer Barbie Doll? 

As a matter of fact, I had (and still have) an astonishing aptitude for splashing and a spinning.  If only I had known that those traits were transferrable to Dolphin Training. 

I could have been a Splash and Spin Dolphin Trainer. 

The list of I Can Be careers is nearly infinite: from Panda Caretaker to President!  From Pet Vet to Architect.  From McDonalds Worker to..



I could have been a Paleontologist.  I think a Paleontologist sounds so dignified and impressive.

I wonder what it is?

It's probably someone who helps movie stars find their lost diamonds.


Wonder why Mattel never released an I Can be a Nerd Barbie Doll?

One can only imagine how I might have turned out with a little encouragement from Barbie.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Discouraging Attention

I was absolutely dreading my upcoming beach vacation.

It is so unfair.

Most people are able to completely relax at the beach, enjoying the warm ocean breezes while sipping adult beverages. 

But not me.

You see, men constantly hit on me.  Interrupt my logic puzzles. 

I try and let them down nicely.  "No, I'm sorry.  I would love to go para-sailing with you, Frank.  But I have a very jealous husband."  

Before I could begin to focus on the next clue in my logic puzzle, another man would approach, offering a tour of the inter-coastal on his yacht.  

"I told you yesterday, Donald.  I'm happily married.  Oh, come on, Donald.  Don't cry.  There are plenty of other beautiful woman for you."

"I know, Donald.  You may have to lower your standards a bit, but you'll find someone." 

It's exhausting. 

Donald would leave with his head hung low and I would attempt to re-focus on my logic puzzle.  Next thing you know Manuel would approach from my right with a margarita, inviting me to go salsa dancing.

OMG!  How could I EVER finish this 5-star logic puzzle under these conditions? 

Thankfully, this will no longer be a problem for me!   You see, my friend Caroline has turned me on to the latest invention from China, Hair Stockings, designed to ward off perverts. 

And I believe Hair Stockings will help my cause.

It was quite easy to make my own pair of Hair Stockings.  All I needed was beige fishnet tights, hairy black yarn and a crochet hook.

My Black Hair Stockings will not only allow me solve logic puzzles un-interrupted for hours at a time, they are SPF 100.  (Yes, I am a stinkin' genius.)

I tested them out at the pool.

The most challenging part of this project was getting Linda to go to the pool with me to take the picture.   

"Are you kidding, Mom?  What if there are people at the pool?" 

"Nobody will be there.  And if there are, we'll tell them it's for my blog." 

"No way, Mom!" 

So I paid her.

I'm a little worried that my Black Hair Stockings will not deter all men.  I mean, given the over-powering nature of my beauty, they may not notice my black hairy legs. 

But, as always, I have a Plan B:

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

A Knife with the Nuts

I was completely torn.  I had just placed my order at the Wendy's drive-thru speaker.

Should I ask for a knife when I get to the window? 

If I did, it would certainly tip off my identity.  They would know  that I was the “Knife Lady”.  The one who complained in a survey about how the drive-thru worker didn't put a knife in my bag.   The knife that I requested.  In person.  To the drive-thru lady.  Who said, "I already put a knife in your bag."

I believed her.  And got back to my office only to discover that she lied to me. 

So I filled out the survey.

And they’d probably know about my second complaint, too.  About the missing bag of nuts on the visit following that of the missing knife.   This time I posted a comment about the missing bag of nuts on their feedback page.

 A rather emotional comment. 

But I really wanted those nuts!  Much more than I wanted the knife. 

The Wendy's store manager had responded to my comment and was very apologetic.  He most certainly mentioned it to his team.  

I decided not to ask for a knife.

But I wanted a knife. 

I could always play it cool.  Casually say, “Hey, while you're at it, can you toss a knife in the bag?”  

She'd see right through me.

I thought about saying,  “Can you throw in a spoon?  Oh what the hell—I’ll take a knife, too.”  

Or “Can I get a cup of water and some ketchup and some salt, a straw and a knife?"

But I decided to err on the safe side.  I was not about to disclose my identity simplly because I wanted a stinkin' knife for my salad.

I drove up to the window and nonchalantly handed the woman my credit card.  She smiled and asked, "How are you today?"

I told her I was fine.

She smiled even more broadly,  and said in the sweetest voice I've ever heard.

"Let's see.  Yes, here's a knife for you." 

"Oh!  And here's your bag of nuts!"

I slowly sunk into my armpit and mumbled a pathetic "thank you."

Next time I'm going in disguise.  

Saturday, June 8, 2013

At Your Fingertips!

When my friend Cortlin told me about the Cleavage Caddy, I was completely inspired.  

Please don't accuse me of exaggerating when I say the Cleavage Caddy is the best invention since sliced bread.


Imagine a bra with pockets that allow you to carry all your personal items discretely tucked beneath your blouse!   No need to go rooting through your purse or hunting in your pockets.

Just reach into your bra!

The advertisements suggest that you can tuck away your keys, credit cards, lipstick and more!  OMG!   The possibilities are endless!

(But then again, you don't have to go overboard with your Cleavage Caddy.  I don't know about you, but I think this Japanese rice bowl bra, My Chopsticks Bra, is a bit too functional.)

The Cleavage Caddy sells for $29.95 plus shipping and handling.  Being the cheapskate creative genius that I am, I decided to make my own version. 

Except I'm changing the name. 

I like Boob Bin way better.


And I absolutely love my Boob Bin.  Look at all that it can carry!  

I modeled my Boob Bin around the house and found that everything I needed was at my fingertips.  Except....

That's when I had my epiphany.  

Introducing the Boob Bin Wine Rack.    


Tuesday, June 4, 2013


Warning!  Step away from this blog.

In fact, if someone is reading this blog out loud to you, put your hands over your ears now and sing "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA"  at the top of your lungs for the next 3 minutes.

And if you happen to be reading this blog, you'd better pour yourself a big glass of wine before continuing.

But not red wine.

How can I, a living, breathing, female, have possibly made it to middle-age without knowing of this product?  

And I just stumbled upon it. 

I had been innocently researching GoGirl competitors on Amazon.  I was intrigued by the names of female portable urinary devices.  The Urinelle is a good name, if you like the word urinate - which I don't.

Considering my affinity for the word "pee",  I found the P EZ Ladies' Travel Urinal to be a good name, as was the P-Mate.   

 Wait a minute.  What is that product right next to the Shewee?

 The DivaCup Model 2 Post Childbirth?

A little voice in my head told me to step away from the computer. 

Did I pay attention?  No.  I clicked on the photo. 

I was still confused.  There was no description for this product. 

But there were 781 reviews.  The little voice began to talk louder.   


I clicked.


Did you know that there is a product that women wear in their va-jay-jays during that time of the month? 

A stinkin' shot glass that you fill up with juice from your netherlands. 

I warned you to stop reading!

Apparently, the DivaCup Model 2 Post Childbirth is an alternative to the tampon.  And mattress pads.

I am sorry to disappoint you, readers, but I will not be test driving a DivaCup Model 2 Post Childbirth.  

I suspect that my experience would be similar to that of one very eloquent Amazon reviewer:

Now, you're supposed to roll the cup up, smuggle it past the border, let it expand, then turn it clockwise (or counter clockwise, or then one way and another, stopping when you hear the click, or something...) anyway, you're supposed to be able to turn this thing like a dial in there."If the cup does not turn easily, you did it wrong" Oh, of course, I'll just grasp hold of a thing about the size, shape, and slipperyness of the pointy end of a peeled hard-boiled egg, which is now buried in the meaty folds of my innermost femininity, which, I may add, are well-sluiced with the special effects from a Quentin Tarantino film, and spin that sucker like a dredel.

Yeah.  I think I'll pass on this one. 

Besides, I think this product has a serious design flaw.  How the heck does this DivaCup sit on the table without spilling?