tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57001441265707972962024-03-12T21:52:29.255-07:00Notes from a NerdlingLou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.comBlogger492125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-28607646517679097912019-04-08T09:52:00.001-07:002019-04-08T14:30:40.711-07:00The Grabber<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">When I stepped into the back seat of my neighbor's very large SUV I noticed Shirley seated on the other side of the console. She reached across, gave my arm a big squeeze, and said, <i>"So good to see you Lou."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i></i><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I said, <i>"Good to see you, too."</i> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I was lying.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Shirley and I have little in common. Sure, we live near each other, sit down to pee, and have 46 chromosomes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But that's where the similarities end.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Unlike Shirley, I do not feel the need to grab hold of someone's arm when speaking to him or her.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs0UhcgpHzJZG63I41nTiO01PKe7CibwD0PH34ITJ8vrxNXqGTcAmZUU6kavr9dV80smHtRoHCOTIfQLe0baqV6qNVJjycFtLnL4zd8LFT8IrI-BA-eO9skp2nI2kplgRAsmefwi26EEaz/s1600/grabber.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="522" data-original-width="522" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs0UhcgpHzJZG63I41nTiO01PKe7CibwD0PH34ITJ8vrxNXqGTcAmZUU6kavr9dV80smHtRoHCOTIfQLe0baqV6qNVJjycFtLnL4zd8LFT8IrI-BA-eO9skp2nI2kplgRAsmefwi26EEaz/s200/grabber.jpg" width="200" /></a></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In fact, I can imagine very few scenarios requiring me to latch on to someone's arm.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">--One of my daughters is attempting to escape when I'm giving her advice.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">--A waiter is about to give my wine to someone at another table.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">--A stranger has slipped off a cliff and is screaming for help.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Truth be told, the stranger would probably fall to his death before I could react. He'd likely be partially digested by crocodiles before I could finish my dramatic gasp.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And, even if I was able to successfully grab his arm, chances are excellent that I would lack the strength to pull him back to safety. He'd have to weigh less than 25 pounds if he expected me to save his life. And considering my subpar stamina, the emergency response team would have to arrive within two or three minutes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So, after stepping into the back seat of the large SUV and being manhandled by Shirley I groaned. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I remembered <b>too late</b> that Shirley was a grabber.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">How could I forget? She assaulted my arm for seven and a half minutes last summer at that neighborhood picnic. She'd had me cornered in the kitchen. By the devilled eggs.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And here we were. Sharing the back seat of a car.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I should have driven. </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Damn.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It is physically impossible for Shirley to utter a word without touching the person to whom she is speaking. She grabbed hold of my arm no fewer than ten times on that torturous twenty minute trek.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But she shared the love.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Shirley massaged the front seat passenger's shoulder a dozen or so times during the drive. The only person immune to the assault was the driver, whose shoulder was just beyond Shirley's reach. She'd desperately extended her hand, fingers wiggling, falling just short of the target.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">(Think Tyrannosaurus Rex communicating with Helen Keller.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The evening was a frustrating, yet somewhat entertaining, social experiment.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A few days later I was having lunch with another neighbor. I asked her if she had noticed Shirley's propensity to latch onto the arm of everyone and anyone she spoke to.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Laura quickly defended Shirley. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"Oh, she's very nice. When you get to know her you'll like her. She'll be more friendly."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i></i><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>More friendly?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b></b><i></i><i></i><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Will she caress my face with her hands? Stick her tongue in my mouth?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I suppose I'm being too hard on Shirley. I should be more kind.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So what if she's grabby?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">She may come in handy some day. Like if I ever find myself falling off a cliff.</span>Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-44900438051785205582019-01-29T18:45:00.001-08:002019-01-29T18:45:24.558-08:00The Prank<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It was better than hitting the lottery.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I had just stepped into my car when the garage door opened and Dave pulled his car into the empty space next to mine.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I waved at him but he didn't notice. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I watched as he turned off his car and tapped on his remote to close the garage door.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Since I had to leave, I tapped on my remote, which stopped the door's descent and reversed its direction.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOh8364mW3me9EB3G56JS8pDeR3JWY6qgclvFG2NVKHowjwA-cBE4ZAufvmqcwKF2YIS5ik5K15sMdSlsdGR6YVQW_bv-Wdu9h-UEz6jq05_tY52_PAxaIl-xXeJySRfGyWaoloR14tSA0/s1600/remote.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOh8364mW3me9EB3G56JS8pDeR3JWY6qgclvFG2NVKHowjwA-cBE4ZAufvmqcwKF2YIS5ik5K15sMdSlsdGR6YVQW_bv-Wdu9h-UEz6jq05_tY52_PAxaIl-xXeJySRfGyWaoloR14tSA0/s320/remote.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I then gave Dave another wave. Which he didn't notice.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I watched with amusement as he tapped his remote to close the garage door. Again.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">That's when I realized that I was experiencing something monumental.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">As the garage door began to close, Dave turned to gather his packages. At which point I tapped on my remote to reopen the garage door.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>This was really big.</b></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A first for me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I giggled.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Dave looked over his shoulder to see if he had pulled far enough into the garage. He turned on his car and moved it forward approximately 3.29 inches.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">He then turned the car off and tapped his button to close the garage door.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I waited until the garage door was nearly closed before tapping on my remote.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And I nearly peed my pants. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>OMG! I was doing it!</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><b></b><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I watched with great pleasure as Dave got out of the car to locate the phantom obstruction impeding the garage door's progress.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And I began to snort.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Just when he was certain that nothing was blocking the garage door's path, I pushed my button to close it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And poor Dave didn't know what the hell was going on.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I rolled down my window and said, "<i>Gotcha!</i>"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Dave said, <i>"Oh. It's you."</i></span><br />
<i></i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I could hardly breathe I was laughing so hard. And I was brimming with pride.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>I had succeeded in pulling off a practical joke.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><b></b><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">You see, my failed attempts at pranks are legendary. It's physically impossible for me to keep a straight face in the midst of one. The more I try to contain my laughter, the more distorted my face becomes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">If you didn't know better, you might think I was in the need of medical assistance.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">HEY! I had pulled off a prank. And Dave fell for it hook, line, and sinker.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I think it's time to pull out the ping pong ball/fake eyeball trick.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjen5AN_4teZHqQQ5sYvcKAh0cMXkHPrdQ0vzlu8p3g-KvOmkAENvbK9vMqgyNs2fp6OG4tsnfahc3qh6s_LkKh8bdoAaDENbfmCW9HJzFMO1WRYNukcYI2ViqFfpxDhIekyHKj_t5RkYE9/s1600/pingpongeyes.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjen5AN_4teZHqQQ5sYvcKAh0cMXkHPrdQ0vzlu8p3g-KvOmkAENvbK9vMqgyNs2fp6OG4tsnfahc3qh6s_LkKh8bdoAaDENbfmCW9HJzFMO1WRYNukcYI2ViqFfpxDhIekyHKj_t5RkYE9/s320/pingpongeyes.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Dave's going to be so scared.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<br />Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-14626507401814849052018-11-30T13:16:00.000-08:002018-12-03T11:34:33.677-08:00Squeezing Blood from a Turnip<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I'd been listening to the same "song" (<i>and I use that term loosely</i>) for nearly 20 minutes. And it wasn't American Pie. Or In A Gadda Da Vida.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I was on hold waiting to speak to a MoviePass concierge.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And I was prepared to give that concierge a piece of my mind.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">That is, </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">if he ever answered my call.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">My conversation would go like this:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: Every time I attempt to use my MoviePass I get the same message. It doesn't matter what theater I select. I get the same message: <i>There are no more screenings at this theater today.</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFTYkq5zQXX6Cp-OmrB1oXwM5fLHhfjE8UUIUNEoCn2CiLdVIphpBOhIBtzBAP4aRKuWiC_PrL3saxIHKA7Xpnhg235q_fwh1A3eNRNdltO1L5XL9LKIvsGlm7HpulRUfMSMFVS8wxqPle/s1600/moviepass1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="352" data-original-width="236" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFTYkq5zQXX6Cp-OmrB1oXwM5fLHhfjE8UUIUNEoCn2CiLdVIphpBOhIBtzBAP4aRKuWiC_PrL3saxIHKA7Xpnhg235q_fwh1A3eNRNdltO1L5XL9LKIvsGlm7HpulRUfMSMFVS8wxqPle/s200/moviepass1.jpg" width="133" /></a><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> ME (<i>voice growing in intensity</i>): This morning I noticed that there was a 1:00 screening of <i>Green Book</i>. A movie I wanted to see! So I made plans to see it. But, when I went to check in to the movie, the screening was gone. It had disappeared from my MoviePass app. Vanished! </span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME (<i>taking deep breath</i>): The app showed a 7:00 screening of <i>Green Book</i> so I <b><i>rearranged my schedule </i></b>so I could go to the 7:00 show.</span></i></span></div>
</div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">CONCIERGE: So, what's the problem?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME (i<i>n a growly voice</i>): When I was getting ready to leave for the 7:00 movie I tapped the MoviePass app and got the message, <i>"There are no more screenings at this theater today."</i> </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Poof!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">At this point, Dave would interrupt my conversation.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">DAVE: Tell him who you are.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME <i>(covering the phone)</i>: What? Go away!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">DAVE: Tell him that you're their most unprofitable customer.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: Shut up! I'm trying to talk to the concierge!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">DAVE: You drove them to bankruptcy.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: I did not.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">CONCIERGE: What did he say?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">DAVE (<i>grabbing phone</i>): She saw 75 movies in the past year.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">CONCIERGE (irritated): So, it's her fault I'm losing my job?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">DAVE: Yep.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">CONCIERGE (<i>even more irritated</i>): </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And she's the reason that my 401K has the same value as a piece of wet toilet paper?!!!!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">DAVE: Yep.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: Tell him that I want to see <i>Green Book </i>today or else I'm cancelling my MoviePass subscription.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">DAVE: You already did.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: Oh, yeah.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Suddenly my imaginary conversation was interrupted. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>By the MoviePass concierge!!!!</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">CONCIERGE: This is Marjorie, your MoviePass concierge. This conversation will be recorded. Tell me your name.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: Mary Lou Clyde</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">CONCIERGE: This is Marjorie, your MoviePass concierge. This conversation will be recorded. Tell me your name.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME <i>(louder and walking closer to wifi router)</i>: </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Mary Lou Clyde. Can you hear me????</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">CONCIERGE: This is Marjorie, your MoviePass concierge. This conversation will be recorded. Tell me your name.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME (<i>standing atop the wifi router</i>): </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Mary Lou Clyde. Please help me. Please, please, please don't hang up!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">CONCIERGE: This is a bad connection. Please try your call later.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>Marjorie hung up.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I screamed. My low blood pressure hit triple digits. Kevin began to bark. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I snatched the land line phone and redialed MoviePass.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">MOVIEPASS: We are experiencing high call volume. Please try your call later.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I reached for the refrigerator door, removed the box of Chardonnay, and poured myself a very well deserved glass of wine.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-aeasNpssueJkOa-KGLJatcDKchGr2h32uNPF3HFmrIhEJHixvBzKYuiY0rHam-dBbNB2eXlkQuAeHHt47ViPh7Ahs45vJ2_EKUFGyvOmiLEVtUqG48aPku5HA4GmAWo85hyphenhyphenQKXIUJHDC/s1600/boxwine.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="294" data-original-width="420" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-aeasNpssueJkOa-KGLJatcDKchGr2h32uNPF3HFmrIhEJHixvBzKYuiY0rHam-dBbNB2eXlkQuAeHHt47ViPh7Ahs45vJ2_EKUFGyvOmiLEVtUqG48aPku5HA4GmAWo85hyphenhyphenQKXIUJHDC/s320/boxwine.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Dave commented that I should give up on MoviePass.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Are you kidding?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I've got 2 more movies to see before my account goes away on the 14th. I think <i>Green Book</i> may be playing at Columbiana Grande tomorrow.</span></div>
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<br />Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-1196674049515317872018-11-12T17:38:00.001-08:002018-11-12T17:38:54.533-08:00When in France....<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">For some unknown reason my kids don't like to be <strike>made fun of</strike> mentioned in my blog.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I'm fine with that. I'll honor their <strike>ridiculous</strike> request. Because that's what good Moms do.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Whatever.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So. Um. This post is not about Kimmy and Luke. It has nothing to do with them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">This is simply a post with advice in case any of my readers travel to France. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Not all French people are enamored with American tourists. Many expect them to know their language.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY0fjZWQxmhneUaKbims9h4lydKtd9whw7ClMKZ6XNiuiQgXUehPUF6eXTsPkc56JZzirBNEYLPRbbw786-o2hJ26Zg3U1eAj27aO306xIb3RpyiDuPOeu9ql-o9WETmqG439sSyB3PdEq/s1600/french.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="274" data-original-width="504" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY0fjZWQxmhneUaKbims9h4lydKtd9whw7ClMKZ6XNiuiQgXUehPUF6eXTsPkc56JZzirBNEYLPRbbw786-o2hJ26Zg3U1eAj27aO306xIb3RpyiDuPOeu9ql-o9WETmqG439sSyB3PdEq/s320/french.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So....if you happen to be visiting France, and wish to go out to dinner at a French restaurant, please consider the following words of wisdom: </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<ol><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<li>Learn one or two French words before your meal. Besides baguette and Bordeaux.</li>
<li>Wait until the host seats you before marching into the restaurant and plopping down in a seat near the window.</li>
<li>If there is a candle on the table, and it is flickering, it is likely a real candle. With a flame.</li>
<li>Recognize that menus are flammable.</li>
<li>Do not set your menu on the candle. It may burn.</li>
<li>If you notice your menu in flames, do not panic. You may cause a scene. Simply blow it out.</li>
<li>If you blow too hard you will feed the fire. You may want to use water to extinguish the flames.</li>
<li><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgll6fpGicIv24UeJsBIeP-KAs1gR-Va9_ycEg7WVAsQk907fc_HOyoCv56LHuv4Rt4DD9OgxXdAFc1_2WY2vrBIzw0ty_Jf2Q6zGviCbwg7B9AwmIgnzEfO4CwsCxGFbSfi4tRTKRs59D3/s1600/fire.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgll6fpGicIv24UeJsBIeP-KAs1gR-Va9_ycEg7WVAsQk907fc_HOyoCv56LHuv4Rt4DD9OgxXdAFc1_2WY2vrBIzw0ty_Jf2Q6zGviCbwg7B9AwmIgnzEfO4CwsCxGFbSfi4tRTKRs59D3/s1600/fire.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="800" height="125" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgll6fpGicIv24UeJsBIeP-KAs1gR-Va9_ycEg7WVAsQk907fc_HOyoCv56LHuv4Rt4DD9OgxXdAFc1_2WY2vrBIzw0ty_Jf2Q6zGviCbwg7B9AwmIgnzEfO4CwsCxGFbSfi4tRTKRs59D3/s200/fire.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
If the menu sustains fire damage, do not set the rest of the menu on fire to hide the evidence. You may set off the sprinkler system. </li>
<li>When the waiter asks why you blew out the candle on your table, tell him, "No habla Franceis." Do not show him the charred remains of the menu.</li>
<li>Even though it is not customary to tip in France, generously tip your waiter if you have destroyed his menu.</li>
</span></ol>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
I hope you appreciate my advice, <strike>Luke and Kimmy</strike> readers. Hopefully it will help prevent any <strike>more</strike> embarrassing situations in the future.</span><br />
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Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-16532313486055186042018-10-02T19:59:00.000-07:002018-10-02T20:02:53.972-07:00The Lesson<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I usually find baseball games boring. They're 3 innings too long.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But this game was exciting. The Brewers could clinch a playoff spot with a win. And it was high scoring. Lots of action.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">There was a Millennial couple sitting in front of me at the game. The girl, let's call her "Chloe", was sitting just below my sightline to the batter. Chloe's boyfriend, let's call him "Aiden," sat to her right.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYpjcsjkyVrDHpUWPhRBRIbXpaMgS7rS-MuX-KWw7QkrLWkv7tTUtB_DWvF0NRHs3EW0IVwsyWUZy4dp6sHDT4QFfUFIY_f7kU_ynkN3KBmGL-d_tGxTdKNAKVz40UnHwI7G8R1XZSJbll/s1600/seats1.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="446" data-original-width="749" height="190" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYpjcsjkyVrDHpUWPhRBRIbXpaMgS7rS-MuX-KWw7QkrLWkv7tTUtB_DWvF0NRHs3EW0IVwsyWUZy4dp6sHDT4QFfUFIY_f7kU_ynkN3KBmGL-d_tGxTdKNAKVz40UnHwI7G8R1XZSJbll/s320/seats1.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Then this happened.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFQuPDwnrEz77C8YKleOQJcSemO0N6BP3pYzL8UMNSPjN_BsUXBaXuhRXP0sOACk0qxmLldNnAqxkt9wZpzR1wC8CL0YEz22TkLx68tNTpWRTsPT1FCMGmon3u0hTP8_AogIY1zhaR6BDa/s1600/seat2.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="454" data-original-width="766" height="189" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFQuPDwnrEz77C8YKleOQJcSemO0N6BP3pYzL8UMNSPjN_BsUXBaXuhRXP0sOACk0qxmLldNnAqxkt9wZpzR1wC8CL0YEz22TkLx68tNTpWRTsPT1FCMGmon3u0hTP8_AogIY1zhaR6BDa/s320/seat2.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It's not like the phone was blocking my sightline. But after Chloe's 22nd selfie I started to find her phone more entertaining than the baseball game.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">She'd take a few photos, inspect them, adjust her hair and take a few more. Inspect those, lean closer to Aiden, and then take a few more. Inspect those, purse her lips, and take a few more.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkdKJBrHOsWX5VWDs_A8nm85M8CXCmOwTkzbWzGw_uUM0ER5YduPKZo8cd3NyQYrpkc_WUTROh9ep8uXA8O6x00-_Uf2TUtV1sbm6VZg-WOOtlSAcD4_B0esp13zWV8cayDxCoQvH9dGzL/s1600/selfie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkdKJBrHOsWX5VWDs_A8nm85M8CXCmOwTkzbWzGw_uUM0ER5YduPKZo8cd3NyQYrpkc_WUTROh9ep8uXA8O6x00-_Uf2TUtV1sbm6VZg-WOOtlSAcD4_B0esp13zWV8cayDxCoQvH9dGzL/s320/selfie.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">What was I to do?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I took a photo of them and posted it on Facebook.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">After several innings, Chloe was satisfied with her photo and probably posted it on Instagram. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>Because she's way cooler than I am.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span><i></i><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Then my friend went to the concession stand, leaving me alone. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A couple minutes later I heard a voice in my ear. Attached to another Millennial. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Let's call her "Ursula".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Ursula: <i>Do you know those people sitting in front of you?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me: <i>What?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Ursula: <i>Do you know those people sitting in front of you?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me: <i>No.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Ursula:<i> I noticed you took a picture of them.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me: <i>Yeah. She took like 50 selfies.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Ursula: <i>I don't think that was very nice.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me: <i>What?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Ursula: <i>They weren't hurting you. She made sure you weren't in any of her pictures.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Ursula: <i>I don't think that was nice at all.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Ursula: <i>I think that was mean.</i></span><br />
<i></i><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I had a flashback to 5th grade. My blue-haired teacher, Mrs. Crouse, scolded me for making too much noise turning pages in my Math book. <i>"I don't think that's very nice, Mary Louise. Your loud page turning is disrupting the class."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i></i><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me: <i>You're right. I shouldn't have done that.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Ursula: <i>I know. It really wasn't nice.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Me: (Face turning very red.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Ursula: <i>Not nice at all.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i></i><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I turned my back on Ursula and I let that encounter <b>completely ruin</b> the rest of the game for me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It wasn't until days later that I realized that </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>she was way meaner than I was.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i></i><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Thinking back, I wish I had responded differently. Ursula probably thought she had taught me a big fat lesson. In fact, she'll probably do it again the next time she thinks somebody over twice her age is misbehaving.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I should have said,<i> "Oh yeah? Go to H-E-double hockey sticks."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i></i><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Or held up my profanity pillow.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_8PbH5G6_SeNA42ZuO0U-zxU2KSMqrAF86De6ArYoZ2TPN8bhbdHFq-gKuC-WRRL0b_Cj4Gw5cLQ7WaoINgPxNqGcDdG5E-trQ0iTmfiUfhJ3FFMliZXPgZLIzbYEJKp9zKvBxbd7JdHe/s1600/profanity+pillow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_8PbH5G6_SeNA42ZuO0U-zxU2KSMqrAF86De6ArYoZ2TPN8bhbdHFq-gKuC-WRRL0b_Cj4Gw5cLQ7WaoINgPxNqGcDdG5E-trQ0iTmfiUfhJ3FFMliZXPgZLIzbYEJKp9zKvBxbd7JdHe/s320/profanity+pillow.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Or maybe I should have laughed.</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And told her how hilarious she was.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But you know what would have been even better?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br />I should have taken </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>her picture.</b></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b></b><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<b><br /></b></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
</span>Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-3221933332162716962018-09-15T17:39:00.000-07:002018-09-15T17:45:13.080-07:00How to Not Get a Seasonal Job at #%&$<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I almost missed the sign in the department store at my local mall.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>Interested in picking up extra money for the holidays? #%&$ is hiring seasonal employees! </i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i></i><br /></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">They promised great associate discounts, competitive pay, and flexible schedules.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN8tpnlwA2oOhkur25JDIZQt7xQBd7GYK3olT3ZXKXzNkLeZZuyDCwP6BhKf0V3u4CmGGhtIlS7QbJ125y7a5RqVD09mECIr6FtQ5tAwOIVP6TrlDEUrDC26i7mr83N07KtwTtfRVv92IY/s1600/retail.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="294" data-original-width="420" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN8tpnlwA2oOhkur25JDIZQt7xQBd7GYK3olT3ZXKXzNkLeZZuyDCwP6BhKf0V3u4CmGGhtIlS7QbJ125y7a5RqVD09mECIr6FtQ5tAwOIVP6TrlDEUrDC26i7mr83N07KtwTtfRVv92IY/s320/retail.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I considered the fact that Movie Pass has recently restricted the number of movies I can see, which has significantly freed up my schedule. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">When I got home from the mall I mentioned the idea to Dave. He told me I was nuts, which convinced me to apply for the job.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The online application asked for my previous position and I proudly wrote <b><i>Director of Customer Insights & Analysis</i></b>. When asked how many hours I could work per week I wrote 12. When asked if I could work evenings I wrote no. When asked if I could work weekends I wrote no. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I was confident that I would be the perfect fit for a part-time seasonal position at #%&$!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I was not surprised when I was invited for open <strike>auditions</strike> interviews. I checked out my competition. I was the oldest one in the room (not counting the vending machine.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Applicants had to fill forms asking for our availability by day. I wrote:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b></b><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Monday: 7-4</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Tuesday: 7-4</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Wednesday: 7-4</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Thursday: 7-4</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Friday: 7-4</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Saturday: -</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Sunday: -</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b></b><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The HR person picked up my sheet and looked at me as if I had a unicorn horn protruding from my head.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">HER: <i>You are only available weekdays? No evenings? No weekends?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: <i>Um, yeah.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">HER: <i>This is retail. You have to work evenings and weekends.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i></i><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But I didn't leave. I thought once they got to know me they would realize how lucky they'd be to have me as a part-time seasonal employee.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>(I could analyze their data for minimum wage if they wanted!)</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i></i><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I had a small group interview with two other applicants. It went okay until the HR person asked me if I could work on Sundays and I said,<i> "It depends on who the Bills are playing."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i></i><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZKcM3wf1YN9OP6cvignCBGx0LEUrB6IRfOt-wnQeViYcNCyZIA5lK6Y2MkLqBjauy54PaOvpyqCzniPGoIOnXb4SfcRd5XYyIlwcaRAt9K7d8ukmrVqwEOBgfqh_lNexr0ollKe0RNsOT/s1600/surprised1.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="459" data-original-width="464" height="196" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZKcM3wf1YN9OP6cvignCBGx0LEUrB6IRfOt-wnQeViYcNCyZIA5lK6Y2MkLqBjauy54PaOvpyqCzniPGoIOnXb4SfcRd5XYyIlwcaRAt9K7d8ukmrVqwEOBgfqh_lNexr0ollKe0RNsOT/s200/surprised1.PNG" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It got really quiet then.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">She said,<i> "Excuse me?"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i></i><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I said, <i>"The Buffalo Bills."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i></i><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Yeah. They hated me. And I don't blame them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">They found me to be inflexible and thought that I showed poor judgement.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Who in the world would want to watch the Buffalo Bills play football?</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-27359039709178860072018-09-05T13:49:00.001-07:002018-09-05T17:05:50.985-07:007 Words You Can't Say in Church<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I was initially excited to learn that a women's group wanted us to perform a few vignettes from my play<i> Heck the Dolls with Chardonnay.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><i></i><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">HTD is a chick play. Women love it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And the three actors who played Sue, Becky, and Rhonda so brilliantly during the initial run were available for the special performance. One was coming all the way from New York City to perform.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Jim, the Director, consulted with me and we chose three scenes, including the infamous Turkey penis vignette.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Did I mention that the women's group was from a church?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So, Jim was a wee bit concerned about offending the women. He wondered if the Turkey penis scene would be too much for an audience drinking coffee instead of wine. In church.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Come on.</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Who could possibly be offended by the story of a woman cooking her first turkey who finds it's neck in the turkey's cavity, and thinks that it's his penis?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghetphGYvie-_anHFKK4tadbE1gw7DQnYcXTu3_UBNShL0Fi7LU8-gGgtGWnqNkBHpqJw0q146iuPc2CzgyHiAcAP8687WprWYOpc_Mne0YQ7H_zU-eNvf_NAzgeEYPRG7O99__WNFhOOx/s1600/turkeyneck.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="315" data-original-width="474" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghetphGYvie-_anHFKK4tadbE1gw7DQnYcXTu3_UBNShL0Fi7LU8-gGgtGWnqNkBHpqJw0q146iuPc2CzgyHiAcAP8687WprWYOpc_Mne0YQ7H_zU-eNvf_NAzgeEYPRG7O99__WNFhOOx/s320/turkeyneck.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Duh.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A few days later I turned on my phone after leaving a movie and it</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">started dinging like a damn pinball machine. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Apparently, I had missed a few texts.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I scrolled to the beginning of the messages:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Jim:</b> I'd like to change penis to its Thingy. Ok ladies? There were 8 penis references in the script. Who knew? Anyway I think you guys can have fun trying not to say it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>(Note to self: Should "thingy" be capitalized?)</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><i></i><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Tiffany:</b> Oh, we will have fun alright....</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Jim:</b> I know you will. I cut the damns, too, and changed the hell to heck.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Jim:</b> Are you still having fun?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Tiffany:</b> Umm... that shit is gonna come out. I've already done that show 2 times. It'll be muscle memory.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Jim:</b> It is what it will be I guess.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><b></b><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Jessica:</b> Liked "Um... that shit is gonna come out. I've already done that show 2 times. It'll be muscle memory."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b></b><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Jessica:</b> I will do my best not to say penis.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Sandy:</b> Penis. Penis. Penis. There. I won't say it anymore.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Jim:</b> I shared the script and damn and hell in the Church is freaking them out. I told her we'd do our best.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Jim:</b> Thank you Sandy ;o)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Jessica:</b> Liked: "I shared the script and damn and hell in the Church is freaking them out. I told her we'd do our best."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Jim:</b> That was the one word she freaked out about. Thingy. Thingy. Thingy. Thingy. Thingy. Thingy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Jim:</b> I love you ladies. Thank you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Jessica:</b> Laughed at: "Thingy. Thingy. Thingy. Thingy. Thingy. Thingy."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Tiffany:</b> The one word was damn? Hell? Or penis?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Jim:</b> Darn darn darn darn heck heck heck heck.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Lou: </b>I just got out of a movie and read these all at once. Let's perform the texts.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Jim: </b>That's funny, Lou. There might be a play in changing a play to not offend anyone. Got a title. 7 words you can't say in church.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCELDEDZ-vbnyaG8eQugyays5TjYt9V985HDlR4vEM3BPswjAE5jhgUPze96qU0P3V7a7THftSEegZg4JLeM9sDJel3I6b-phN-YN8mgZn0qBCMxpKV7K1k1bblucShS4cpTX0IL9hHPht/s1600/swear.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="179" data-original-width="721" height="79" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCELDEDZ-vbnyaG8eQugyays5TjYt9V985HDlR4vEM3BPswjAE5jhgUPze96qU0P3V7a7THftSEegZg4JLeM9sDJel3I6b-phN-YN8mgZn0qBCMxpKV7K1k1bblucShS4cpTX0IL9hHPht/s320/swear.PNG" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Lou:</b> Don't tell me boob is on that list.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Jim:</b> Penis, hell, damn, ass, porn.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Lou:</b> Shit is ok?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Jim:</b> Penis, hell, damn, ass, porn, shit.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Tiffany</b>: And f*ck. Hehe.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b></b><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Jessica:</b> Wow. One of those is gonna accidentally slip off of me or Tiff.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It was all a moot point.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In the end, the head church lady decided to pull the Turkey penis scene from the performance.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It was probably for the better.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">We didn't have to worry about a penis slipping out of someone's mouth in church.</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-44503247104108632292018-08-14T13:39:00.000-07:002018-08-14T13:39:32.258-07:00Empty Ham-ded<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Hamilton</b> is coming to Charlotte in October.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I know. I already saw it in Chicago. But that's why I want to see it again.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It's that good.</span><br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMUb1-QlIeLgC85o-v3LEMxzCM5Jjr0TckJfC7FPUsiMfUMvpsaWA1_qkgSaxQ1KfPLBFPe9xZ1M9TCIK12poY4f2ojb58OmVvxOpX_LHPHxbIM5HKlGEKqYj7zoo96poATP4hRXYoiOZr/s1600/hamilton.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="159" data-original-width="318" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMUb1-QlIeLgC85o-v3LEMxzCM5Jjr0TckJfC7FPUsiMfUMvpsaWA1_qkgSaxQ1KfPLBFPe9xZ1M9TCIK12poY4f2ojb58OmVvxOpX_LHPHxbIM5HKlGEKqYj7zoo96poATP4hRXYoiOZr/s1600/hamilton.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Tickets went on sale to the public on August 1, at 8:00 AM. I logged into the virtual waiting room at 7:05 AM on two different devices. At 8:00 AM, the powers to be would be randomly assigning numbers to everyone in the waiting room. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I happened to have a 7:30 AM doctor's appointment that day, somewhat complicating the situation. I kept a close eye on my phone while Dr. Fravel examined me. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">When he asked, "<i>Are you depressed</i>?" I responded, "<i>I will be if I don't get my Hamilton tickets."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">At 7:55 AM he finished with me and sent me the lab for my blood work.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"<i>I can't go yet</i>," I said.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"<i>Why not</i>?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"<i>I need to stay put until 8:00. When I get my Hamilton number.</i>"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">He rolled his eyes and told me I could stay in the exam room. The minutes ticked by slowly as I waited for my number. At exactly 8:00 AM my number appeared.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">32,488</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Say what?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And my laptop at home had an even bigger number.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Sigh.</span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I read somewhere that there were about 20,000 tickets up for grabs. If everyone in line bought the 4 tickets they were entitled to, the tickets would be sold by the time they got to number 5,000.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But that was glass half-empty thinking. </span><br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTIldrCa0wnB6614SG5PWvScWmWwIsPHi5kK4zhFp7RYfJgGc1YSHMtN3pMEZY-DvHeVLu3Vm9INb3HLsKyOlvDJAiyFK0N78OJGzQXYU7WFMilMmUI4QU5wk5Gv1Kcor3YLx6ROZuQZvp/s1600/halffull.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="497" data-original-width="652" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTIldrCa0wnB6614SG5PWvScWmWwIsPHi5kK4zhFp7RYfJgGc1YSHMtN3pMEZY-DvHeVLu3Vm9INb3HLsKyOlvDJAiyFK0N78OJGzQXYU7WFMilMmUI4QU5wk5Gv1Kcor3YLx6ROZuQZvp/s320/halffull.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">From a glass half-full perspective, not everybody would buy 4 tickets. And some people might only be able to go to certain shows.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">At about 11:30 only 16,000 people were in front of me in line. And according to the progress bar, it looked like about half the tickets were still available. </span><br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I had a chance!</span></b><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">At about 1:00 PM, mean, unwanted messages began to appear on the website. First, saying there were limited seats available for specific shows. Then, there were limited seats available in certain sections. Then, only individual seats remained. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">An finally, the only available seats were for <b>Cats</b>, which was playing at a high school in Gastonia.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">My ridiculously high number came up at 3:42 PM and I was invited to purchase tickets. I was in a near-panic state as I tried to find the best available tickets during the 10 minute window I had to complete the purchase.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">This is what I saw:</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi28F-jA7sRDLor0fPWl14B1XSqSNG7xmKZCHYMwBqu8KDwSmK30Z57R2L5UeCYCAOE7Qnw7Hxvpp1gQTjTyNUzxiHMtpcoAqOMm60573D84prxhghxC2b4RwCsQHoHe41fMke48zF8D5Dv/s1600/soldout.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="904" data-original-width="824" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi28F-jA7sRDLor0fPWl14B1XSqSNG7xmKZCHYMwBqu8KDwSmK30Z57R2L5UeCYCAOE7Qnw7Hxvpp1gQTjTyNUzxiHMtpcoAqOMm60573D84prxhghxC2b4RwCsQHoHe41fMke48zF8D5Dv/s320/soldout.JPG" width="291" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I did find two VIP tickets for about $500. But they weren't together. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I couldn't do it. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">At 3:52 PM I placed a call. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>Hello, Dr. Fravel? This is Lou. </i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>I'm depressed. </i></span>Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-64947941227596053352018-07-19T18:27:00.000-07:002018-07-19T18:43:39.004-07:00The Runaway<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">They were twins. Identical twins. Looked exactly alike.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But they were as different as night and day.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Their names were L and R.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnw5uvpu8X_l6WA97vDeDGfAJKEI80i702QEgZN9FDqAn7fZk7uohARqhr8lankfILaqa_9KiqeSPpylv2ydFbV5IAfTCyl371ifFpYoyONr4pwvdyDmHB-BjXNF1vXhyphenhyphenb9yEWpz-84X0p/s1600/girls.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="701" data-original-width="600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnw5uvpu8X_l6WA97vDeDGfAJKEI80i702QEgZN9FDqAn7fZk7uohARqhr8lankfILaqa_9KiqeSPpylv2ydFbV5IAfTCyl371ifFpYoyONr4pwvdyDmHB-BjXNF1vXhyphenhyphenb9yEWpz-84X0p/s320/girls.JPG" width="273" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It was impossible, even for me, to keep them straight. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It was only after R would disappear that I knew for sure who was who.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">L was a homebody. R was full of wanderlust.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The first time R ran away I thought for sure that L would spend the rest of her life an orphan. It was 5:02 AM. I was 57 people deep in line in the Phuket, Thailand airport. I reached for my ear and gasped.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">R was gone.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">She must have been hiding at the hotel we had left two hours earlier.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But I had hope. My friend Bob, who had a later flight, was still at the hotel. I frantically called him but his phone was off. I then called the hotel, praying that the operator could speak English. To my relief, the operator told me that they had found the little runaway and would hand her over to Bob when he checked out.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">After a close call, the twins were reunited.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It was about two months before the next "incident". I was in Louisville visiting my sister. The girls were asleep on the bathroom vanity. At least I THOUGHT they were asleep. I actually witnessed R's escape. She dove head first into the gap between the vanity and the wall. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I assembled a search party, bringing together the best of the best. And high tech equipment such as mirrors, magnets, wire hangers, and duct tape. Unfortunately for me (and L), R was free once more.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">About two months later my sister found the little fugitive while doing a bathroom remodel. R arrived home via first class mail.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I talked to her about her behavior until I was blue in the face. I thought I had made headway.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">How naive.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I was in Russia when she made her final flight. We were on a guided tour of St. Petersburg, which required earpieces.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The thing is that I was prepared. I understood how R thinks. Her criminal mind. I knew an earbud could provide an escape route. As a precaution, I placed both girls in protective custody in a zippered pocket of my backpack.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I know what you're thinking. Why punish L? She hadn't done anything.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">How goofy would I look with just one earring?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Sure enough, the bitch got away. She made a clean getaway from the backpack. And it was zippered shut.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqXH6ruBEXDHs1Q9_BlELKkC23O8KJvQnrtRbLo1IB_JhD87oHOebLryk7eZh51L-vi4KdTcXlrHOS0yiobzJ-AWe7-lB-1DOLFEprTqD6qfbEYGBrlHqRhIiEajDN_fv0HkgFx0kwHuUT/s1600/bp.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="592" data-original-width="611" height="310" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqXH6ruBEXDHs1Q9_BlELKkC23O8KJvQnrtRbLo1IB_JhD87oHOebLryk7eZh51L-vi4KdTcXlrHOS0yiobzJ-AWe7-lB-1DOLFEprTqD6qfbEYGBrlHqRhIiEajDN_fv0HkgFx0kwHuUT/s320/bp.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I asked L how R got away but she was tight lipped. (Probably mad about being locked up.)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I was full of emotion: anger, frustration, despair. But after my second glass of wine my attitude improved. R was gone. I'd probably never see her again.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And I accepted the fact that R is like Curious George. She should be free.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The next morning I took my seat in the tour van, ears naked. I placed my backpack on the floor and saw something out of the corner of my eye. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Yes! It was R. Hiding behind a water bottle. I grabbed her and gave her the biggest hug ever.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And we had a little heart to heart.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Please don't judge. I used to laugh at people who tethered their children in public. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkpAJvkjlmagtJlrTnjMQZwSiZWtSNcD4OX_uS9wsGRSqA8RfPWawdON55RTmul0Wx1waA9ECkpNQa-IrJJ1h68ynW-2qbXRsJQGZb9R5VEQyc6pL3T2RP00XR7WLVIk4WcsVrqo3sPetz/s1600/girls2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="585" data-original-width="502" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkpAJvkjlmagtJlrTnjMQZwSiZWtSNcD4OX_uS9wsGRSqA8RfPWawdON55RTmul0Wx1waA9ECkpNQa-IrJJ1h68ynW-2qbXRsJQGZb9R5VEQyc6pL3T2RP00XR7WLVIk4WcsVrqo3sPetz/s320/girls2.JPG" width="274" /></a></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Not no more.</span><br />
<br />Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-20188886203999000662018-06-23T12:08:00.000-07:002018-06-23T12:15:19.612-07:00Brain DeadIt was a long, drawn-out death. Painful to witness. There was little we could do about his suffering.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMatJC4Qvt6_Xk8LN0KoB_pqnU9XLcWt-KtrUZQTPWvWOWPrnvP12V2OqxKwcoyirUjTgw5f9Sy3FNgecSR9rKrs0H1HXtQp385JoFQmmqT2kkBhGyPbT6cqG5aWRRetjULyeVVyo8O68a/s1600/holding.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMatJC4Qvt6_Xk8LN0KoB_pqnU9XLcWt-KtrUZQTPWvWOWPrnvP12V2OqxKwcoyirUjTgw5f9Sy3FNgecSR9rKrs0H1HXtQp385JoFQmmqT2kkBhGyPbT6cqG5aWRRetjULyeVVyo8O68a/s320/holding.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
He had no health insurance. Too outrageously expensive.<br />
<br />
The groans. So loud. And agonizing. <br />
<br />
I hate to admit it, but sometimes I would close the door so I didn't have to listen.<br />
<br />
He was so young. He had just turned 5.<br />
<br />
That's 45 in washing machine years.<br />
<br />
We did what we could to help with his pain. When the wails became loud, about a year ago, we lightened his load. Medium. Then small.<br />
<br />
By the end he could barely handle a gentle load.<br />
<br />
He still howled.<br />
<br />
After a few dozen gentle loads, paralysis set in. We declared him brain dead at 9:21 PM on Thursday, June 21, 2018.<br />
<br />
Dave was the one who ultimately pulled the plug. I couldn't do it.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGUGBLaMVNQKy_slviAsXvqW4YpsTJbfVfH2TfYdOIV830aJqxauot4O6aOb5tde-_B1XBCPgSm9GcG2zwNcam_ijfwcPTrcjQUH_YGP3CLj83uehVDo2epVZWE2AOjMsnEJRiMhTnVWXc/s1600/IMG_1685.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGUGBLaMVNQKy_slviAsXvqW4YpsTJbfVfH2TfYdOIV830aJqxauot4O6aOb5tde-_B1XBCPgSm9GcG2zwNcam_ijfwcPTrcjQUH_YGP3CLj83uehVDo2epVZWE2AOjMsnEJRiMhTnVWXc/s320/IMG_1685.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
It was heartbreaking.<br />
<br />
Now we have just our memories to help us get over the loss. Actually, I believe that you never get over a loss. You get through it.<br />
<br />
Thank God we have so many good memories.<br />
<br />
He was quite the trickster in his youth.<br />
<br />
Like the time he <a href="http://notesfromanerdling.blogspot.com/2012/12/nobody-dyed.html" target="_blank">dyed</a> my clothes pink. (I shouldn't have yelled at him.)<br />
<br />
And when he would hide socks. LOL. I never thanked him for inspiring me to develop the world famous <i><b> <a href="http://notesfromanerdling.blogspot.com/2011/10/where-have-they-gone.html" target="_blank">Nerdling Orphan Sock Prevention Program.</a></b></i>.<br />
<br />
I miss him.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXFz-dEBQKB102HMyjn2FyDNG5mn5cV4u-MSOLxn6of6VST21xNNm9dvQRvWyQpP5myEEdLhDvee_YWk3ur8sacwq4R7pfFHIhkQJ0vJqiq0ExVfdxR4FHnRC2SvX5DiNQEl0O6C8xSpqS/s1600/mourning1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXFz-dEBQKB102HMyjn2FyDNG5mn5cV4u-MSOLxn6of6VST21xNNm9dvQRvWyQpP5myEEdLhDvee_YWk3ur8sacwq4R7pfFHIhkQJ0vJqiq0ExVfdxR4FHnRC2SvX5DiNQEl0O6C8xSpqS/s320/mourning1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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But we're moving on. We have to. (Laundry is piling up.)<br />
<br />
A new one is being delivered on Monday. We've decided to try a front load washer this time, in hopes that she will live past 45. (In washing machine years.)<br />
<br />
As I was checking out of the Lowe's adoption agency yesterday, the clerk asked me if I would like to purchase health insurance. I asked how much it would cost.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>$119.97 for 5 years??????!!!!!!!!!</b></span><br />
<br />
Nah. Too outrageously expensive.<br />
<br />
Hope she has better genes than her deceased siblings.Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-83167771903846138582018-06-03T08:13:00.000-07:002018-06-03T10:29:15.968-07:00The Moose Mistake<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">When the Groucho's Deli waitress brought my moose sandwich to me I took one look at it and knew I had screwed up.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It was roast beef. I haven't eaten red meat since 1980.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">That's 38 years. XXXVIII in Roman Numerals.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">See? I may be old but I still remember my Roman Numerals.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8FhzZD_w6eaCIJjRUGTHhO4HKYt6yN-DejC2LygG8xBe6quK_yb0Sm_QG82kbBQtaQ-GbGqsayGbzx87CTjpjZbmU0X7ceF5royhuxiJg4NUZVqprykNmygNdHwX9HBrqDvsL_W5UBQBd/s1600/roman+numerals.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="226" data-original-width="540" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8FhzZD_w6eaCIJjRUGTHhO4HKYt6yN-DejC2LygG8xBe6quK_yb0Sm_QG82kbBQtaQ-GbGqsayGbzx87CTjpjZbmU0X7ceF5royhuxiJg4NUZVqprykNmygNdHwX9HBrqDvsL_W5UBQBd/s320/roman+numerals.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">(Except L. Is that 50 or 500?)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I looked at the menu and quickly discovered my error.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"I messed up,"</i> I announced to Dave. <i> "There are 2 kinds of moose sandwiches and I ordered the wrong color. This is the Brown Moose."</i></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRZ1vg6l6k6IFIEfBxTL8wpDogGHwiiMLhyphenhyphen9GhzEjufvMUU0NzUX0ElmWMSiA39OXsqZ2Hfg5MtNpzvG_z7cLa84mKqm-KqpyDmmRYiFHSjeTTGCfv14q2qJwR7TyhtFjtVUvWfyG5aO1A/s1600/brownmoose.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRZ1vg6l6k6IFIEfBxTL8wpDogGHwiiMLhyphenhyphen9GhzEjufvMUU0NzUX0ElmWMSiA39OXsqZ2Hfg5MtNpzvG_z7cLa84mKqm-KqpyDmmRYiFHSjeTTGCfv14q2qJwR7TyhtFjtVUvWfyG5aO1A/s320/brownmoose.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So I went to the counter and told Groucho Girl about my mistake and that I should have ordered the Pink Moose. I had my moose within minutes.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I was halfway through my Pink Moose when Dave said, <i>"That looks like ham. Maybe you should have ordered the White Moose."</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I stopped chewing. I didn't know whether to swallow the pink moose in my mouth or spit it on the plate. The pink glob went down my throat like a bowling ball. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I looked down at the plate. OMG. I had eaten half of a damn ham sandwich.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">My stomach suddenly hurt. And Groucho Girl was headed my way.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"Don't tell her,"</i> I whispered to Dave.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But Dave was having too much fun with my moose mess.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"She ordered the wrong moose,"</i> he told Groucho Girl. <i> "Again."</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"I forgot my reading glasses,"</i> I said, as I slipped my reading glasses into my purse.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Dave and Groucho Girl enjoyed a laugh. At my expense. She offered to make me a White Moose, but I told her I was no longer hungry.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">After all, I had just eaten half of a cute, little, piggy sandwich.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi76j6nEIBnxpo7HISiVKY5wdWWvs26dVpWpGRh4urnKdZni-WjZfp2fs49Y4yAvQ-g16dmhrdlq_Z2NEXZXKqCwjpm0FRNtGqI7_CQ-fTQtHINMz2HHdraiKke6JnGgv80EuVIHSLbnoyz/s1600/piggycrying.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="250" data-original-width="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi76j6nEIBnxpo7HISiVKY5wdWWvs26dVpWpGRh4urnKdZni-WjZfp2fs49Y4yAvQ-g16dmhrdlq_Z2NEXZXKqCwjpm0FRNtGqI7_CQ-fTQtHINMz2HHdraiKke6JnGgv80EuVIHSLbnoyz/s1600/piggycrying.jpg" /></a><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I hoped that I wasn't going to get ill.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And I didn't.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Big sigh.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It has been 38 years since I have eaten roast beef.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And III days since I last ate ham. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Which looks a hell of a lot better than 3. </span>Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-11832531724988055982018-05-23T16:51:00.002-07:002018-05-23T16:51:42.395-07:00The Meeting<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have obtained a secret government document which sheds light on how those annoying Medicare Supplement plans are designed.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO21tad4BFV1mNTbmycx9IVj3gfzQjNjPJeY43uKzdM1lR2k7gll_14t9kydZBM_lCXhgS8VADUi1VrDJ1Eip-H2w2y9DwEamY7vcwNvcjX4VwxEjieRmWOX0WQKyAeJz7BfxynSJO-vIg/s1600/top-secret-facebook-smiley.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="247" data-original-width="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO21tad4BFV1mNTbmycx9IVj3gfzQjNjPJeY43uKzdM1lR2k7gll_14t9kydZBM_lCXhgS8VADUi1VrDJ1Eip-H2w2y9DwEamY7vcwNvcjX4VwxEjieRmWOX0WQKyAeJz7BfxynSJO-vIg/s1600/top-secret-facebook-smiley.png" /></a></div>
<br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The following transcript, received from an anonymous source, is from a Medicare Supplement Planning meeting held sometime between 2004 and 2016 in Russia.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Please do not alert Robert Mueller. Or the FBI. I prefer to remain an anonymous whistleblower.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">PATRICK: Let's charge the people who contributed the most into the social security system 3.2 times the average premium.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">CONSTANCE: Brilliant! </span><br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyzq7xc0dA7IWyLMtNfCjpQANp6ZZ8gSBn7v71kpqfQB4k2qSIBZR2AOG3sKJQ_szTsgEBpa53b3CwQ-zy1WOwmQpNK50oW1_Ji4nckdHWp613uTCUMT0Cp3-Y-Jp3yPq2Juwp6I7gDaTV/s1600/pLANa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="307" data-original-width="307" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyzq7xc0dA7IWyLMtNfCjpQANp6ZZ8gSBn7v71kpqfQB4k2qSIBZR2AOG3sKJQ_szTsgEBpa53b3CwQ-zy1WOwmQpNK50oW1_Ji4nckdHWp613uTCUMT0Cp3-Y-Jp3yPq2Juwp6I7gDaTV/s200/pLANa.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">PATRICK: We have Plans A, B, C, D, F, K, and M. Do you think anyone will notice that we skipped a few letters?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">KARL: Nah. By the time they finish reading the plan descriptions they'll forget their ABC's.</span><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Indeterminate laughing.</span></i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">KARL: Can we go back to the blood coverage for a minute? </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">CONSTANCE: What don't you get? Plan F covers the first 3 pints. Plans K and M cover 50% and Plan L covers 75%.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">KARL: If someone in Plans K or M gets attacked by a mountain lion they could go bankrupt. Just sayin'.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">CONSTANCE: If they don't die first!</span><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Indeterminate laughing.</span></i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">CONSTANCE: Now, we have room for one more plan. And remember. We're trying to maximize profits. And how do we do that?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">KARL/PATRICK: By shortening lives.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">CONSTANCE: Very good.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">KARL: Plan F covers skilled nursing. How about a plan that covers unskilled nursing?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">CONSTANCE: I like it! What else should it cover. Besides unskilled nursing?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">PATRICK: How about free skydiving, bungee jumping, and flights on Southwest Airlines?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">CONSTANCE: And discounts at Cracker Barrel and Pizza Hut.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">KARL: Let's throw in Medical Marijuana. Just for grins.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">CONSTANCE: That could work in our favor. Especially if they imbibe while skydiving. We need a name. D for (<i>giggling</i>) Death?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">PATRICK: D's already taken.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">CONSTANCE: Okay. K for Kill!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">PATRICK: K's taken, too.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">CONSTANCE: Shit! All the good ones are gone.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">KARL: H isn't taken.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">CONSTANCE: Plan H For Homicide. Now we need to come up with the premium.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">PATRICK: Let's keep it simple. How about their monthly social security payment minus the square root of the sum of the digits in their social security number?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">CONSTANCE: Perfect. Great job, team. Meeting adjourned.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ </span></span><br />
<br />
<br />Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-88881417815724414462018-04-27T13:54:00.000-07:002018-04-27T13:54:26.135-07:00The Black Olives<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I suppose it was my own damn fault.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But I was worried about getting the wrong kind of olives on my pizza. The last time I had ordered black olives, my pizza came with some kind of weird-ass nasty looking olives. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">That. Were. Not. Black. Olives.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCV7FDwC173zuM9PPIX91-vWyrgwEJ2lhlSEU6ZudhReM_Y8SNzglvzj6ZMHP9m8UHnL8fMX-uCZFvNzfxfO0XHpaRFUhijUEanCWnwY1rvifwU7ucrhnDC1wriZZtMTF3PxuHNJxYqbCU/s1600/greek+olives.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="493" data-original-width="712" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCV7FDwC173zuM9PPIX91-vWyrgwEJ2lhlSEU6ZudhReM_Y8SNzglvzj6ZMHP9m8UHnL8fMX-uCZFvNzfxfO0XHpaRFUhijUEanCWnwY1rvifwU7ucrhnDC1wriZZtMTF3PxuHNJxYqbCU/s320/greek+olives.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I just wanted to be sure that I got the right kind of black olives this time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">My BFF Becca and I were at lunch at a very nice Pizza/Sandwich shop that begins with a <b>B</b> and ends with an <b>S</b> and has two<b> L</b>'s in the middle.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">We were ordering personal pizzas from the counter guy. Let's call him "Buck".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I told Buck that I would like black olives and tomatoes on my pizza. I then added,<i> "Are your black olives black olives or the other kind?"</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"Black olives,"</i> said Buck. <i>"They are black olives."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"But are they black olives? Not the other kind of olives that I got on a pizza once?"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"They're <b>black</b> olives,"</i> Buck said, enunciating the word "black." He gave me the look you would give a two year old who was asking too many questions.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I told Buck that I had a pizza once with black olives and they weren't really black olives.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Buck sighed, turned around, and proceeded to the topping area, where <b>HE PICKED UP A HANDFUL OF BLACK OLIVES WITH HIS BARE UN-GLOVED HANDS.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">He brought them back to the counter, held our his hand and said, <i>"These are black olives.</i>"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibnfLg1QsdA6Uq0GtCcT82j7lXLaTE3Ji_EtFWGarBMiv_Hu4zpkubeGHnNBSSwImqOpUQG1_mm56FnjDWGOuXGOtBA9J_AQQdp-ahVfz_gnYZFe19IJGiavyJNffHy4-DwwdWrWDU2TXb/s1600/blackolives.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="177" data-original-width="285" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibnfLg1QsdA6Uq0GtCcT82j7lXLaTE3Ji_EtFWGarBMiv_Hu4zpkubeGHnNBSSwImqOpUQG1_mm56FnjDWGOuXGOtBA9J_AQQdp-ahVfz_gnYZFe19IJGiavyJNffHy4-DwwdWrWDU2TXb/s1600/blackolives.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I was stunned.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"Yeah,"</i> I said. <i>"Those are them. They are certainly black olives."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I turned to Becca for help. Becca, who never leaves home without a back-up bottle of hand sanitizer, looked completely unscathed. Like there was nothing unusual for a pizza counter guy to hold out a handful of black olives.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In the meantime, Buck turned around, and headed back to where he had obtained the black olives.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A guttural sound escaped from my mouth when I observed Buck dropping the black olives back into the black olive bin. He slapped his hands together, presumably to remove any black olive juice, and returned to the counter.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I no longer wanted black olives on my pizza.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But I had just told Buck that his black olives were the black olives that I wanted.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Here's what I should have said.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"Buck, I no longer want back olives on my pizza because you just picked up a handful of black olives and I don't know where your hands have been."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJB3z_Jk6lxFFmj2YrS9WYwG5MXQWZl3n9qmGTfKhTZ-LB4tathabaYi_yx3AP1r6pS2vmv9MZNdLdV2nUHe35lsVpiB1y0c8QtZgldBEKNY2oAoSvtmB2pHoFS011vzQgA-lDnpunQRPa/s1600/germs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="168" data-original-width="301" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJB3z_Jk6lxFFmj2YrS9WYwG5MXQWZl3n9qmGTfKhTZ-LB4tathabaYi_yx3AP1r6pS2vmv9MZNdLdV2nUHe35lsVpiB1y0c8QtZgldBEKNY2oAoSvtmB2pHoFS011vzQgA-lDnpunQRPa/s1600/germs.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But instead I gulped and said, <i>"Okay. I want a pizza with black olives and tomatoes."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Thankfully, Buck didn't show me the tomatoes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">When we got to our seats, and I was done throwing up in my mouth, I told Becca that I didn't know how I could possibly eat the pizza. She reassured me that the germs would be cooked off in the oven.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I was so relieved.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And even more relieved that I had not ordered the Greek Salad.</span>Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-61697339696813587712018-04-13T13:34:00.000-07:002018-04-14T12:30:31.259-07:00Consulting with the Airlines<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Have you noticed the latest thing in airline travel?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Basic Economy fares.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">For the thriftiest of thrifty. <span style="font-size: x-small;">Like me.</span> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">However, these lowest available </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">fares (which aren't that low)</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> have a few teeny tiny restrictions:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">-No seat assignment until check in. <i>(Oh boy! A middle seat!)</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">-Board last. <i>(Oh boy! Crawl over the aisle passenger!)</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">-No carry on luggage.<i> (Oh boy! Pay to have it checked!)</i></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSCFMGPP0CogFynlK8gEqKpm5NYEl1yULrQqvsfCbeexvkYm4SzgnmMGyg0a06HwRRmrEuK0RQXlwF1hn3xTrdq7qEJk2qdprYkgK96Th_E3n4FsVP50AkTLJhbsUbb7El-KKdixJNFXRd/s1600/economy.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="610" data-original-width="870" height="280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSCFMGPP0CogFynlK8gEqKpm5NYEl1yULrQqvsfCbeexvkYm4SzgnmMGyg0a06HwRRmrEuK0RQXlwF1hn3xTrdq7qEJk2qdprYkgK96Th_E3n4FsVP50AkTLJhbsUbb7El-KKdixJNFXRd/s400/economy.PNG" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Note that if you attempt to smuggle luggage onto the plane that won't fit under the seat, the airlines will charge you $25 to check it at the gate. And top it off with a $25 gate handling charge. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And force you to sit in the bathroom for the duration of the flight. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>Okay, I made that last part up.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Since the airlines are committed to nickel-and-diming passengers to death, they may be interested in adopting some of my scathingly brilliant ideas.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In fact, I have identified <b>3 additional pricing opportunities</b> that will significantly increase an airline's revenue.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Nerdling Idea #1: Additional Carry-on Luggage Fees</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Overhead compartment - $75</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Under seat - $50</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">On lap - $25</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And for those sneaky-ass passengers who wear their otherwise packed clothes in layers to avoid being charged, there will be a $50 penalty. Per layer.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Of course, flight attendants will be trained to identify these deviates.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">To that end, here are some snippets from my <i>How to Identify Passengers Wearing their Luggage (PWL's)</i> seminar.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Clue #1:</b> Head to body ratio. The ratio of head to body is much smaller among PWL's than other passengers.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Clue #2:</b> Sweat. PWL's experience excessive sweating due to their multiple layers and the fear that they will be discovered.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Clue #3:</b> Smell. Related to Clue #2, PWL's often smell like they are wearing multiple layers of clothing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Nerdling Idea #2: Repriced Airline Food</b><br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></b>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Begin charging for snacks that are currently free. Pretzels should be priced at $5.00/bag, which is approximately $1.00 per pretzel, an excellent value for the Basic Economy passengers.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Peanuts should be priced at $10/bag to help subsidize potential litigation related to peanut allergies.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Implement a $10 surcharge to passengers who bring food aboard the airplane. ($50 surcharge for food containing garlic.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Nerdling Idea #3: Introduce Middle Seat Surcharge (MSS)</b><br />
<b style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></b>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">This robust recommendation is based on a sophisticated pricing model that was developed in the Nerdling Consumer Research Institute.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The MSS allows passengers to have control over their "neighbors" while <strike>trapped in</strike> enjoying a middle seat.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheTcMlR6qpXrXNqyZwCtG6XZVuYs_bzPxOqQ7ViCYUf8IqXhCwflUXZN3hr1gDFmInKZdlt6pH-aMBTWyr5_C9fVT3iLH-u7fev0HBrAp8UM4BdPvZyCSbZt5ZGPtPZTSRCG2m4j4YcjPa/s1600/mss.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="503" data-original-width="506" height="397" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheTcMlR6qpXrXNqyZwCtG6XZVuYs_bzPxOqQ7ViCYUf8IqXhCwflUXZN3hr1gDFmInKZdlt6pH-aMBTWyr5_C9fVT3iLH-u7fev0HBrAp8UM4BdPvZyCSbZt5ZGPtPZTSRCG2m4j4YcjPa/s400/mss.PNG" width="400" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">For passengers willing to sit between two passengers with infants, the MSS would be just $25. Alternatively, if the passenger agreed to sit between a large passenger and one who was bringing on food, the MSS would be $30.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The most expensive MSS would be for the passenger who can afford the luxury of sitting between two Millenials (who are so focused on their devices they never move a muscle during a flight). That fee is a hefty $250, but may be worth it for the <i><strike>desperate</strike></i> discriminating middle seat passenger.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Passengers who enjoy gambling would have an opportunity to be surprised by their Aisle/Window neighbors. The MSS Surprise-Surprise option is just $60.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I am fully aware that by publishing this blog, I am releasing my intellectual property and, as a result, will be unable to charge the airlines for my ideas.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But that's okay.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The airlines would likely pass that cost along to the passengers.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And the next thing you know, you would have to pay to use the restroom.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">You're welcome.</span><br />
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Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-33926007950379897102018-03-24T18:02:00.000-07:002018-03-24T18:02:30.892-07:00The Shopping List<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's not like my Dollar Store shopping list was expansive. I needed just two items: a poster board and a whoopee cushion. Clearly, there was no need to write it down.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I found a parking spot right in front of the store and grabbed a basket as I stepped inside.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then I thought,<i> "What am I here for?"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I had no clue.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4eObvBGCOD7EIRaCT1LMmpy7EW11cCYQMVj5V94scSTqgD4HDDULUcG8g0c5VTgowAUHEc85FNhyphenhyphenPEh0HkK_jgwOpQoh3trCWpmEWqu97wY8suLEbYLfIDKnriecIl8JWsXpeic7GoE3f/s1600/memory.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="188" data-original-width="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4eObvBGCOD7EIRaCT1LMmpy7EW11cCYQMVj5V94scSTqgD4HDDULUcG8g0c5VTgowAUHEc85FNhyphenhyphenPEh0HkK_jgwOpQoh3trCWpmEWqu97wY8suLEbYLfIDKnriecIl8JWsXpeic7GoE3f/s1600/memory.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No worries. I wandered the aisles of the store, looking for the items to jump out at me and remind me of what I was to have gotten.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I put a couple pair of 3.25 strength reading glasses in the basket, but I was relatively certain that they hadn't been on the list. Not that they shouldn't have been. I'd forgotten to put them on it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I continued roaming the aisles. Up one aisle. Down the next. When I got to the detergent section I remembered that I should have put Borax on the list, but I'd forgotten. Good thing I remembered.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Except they didn't have Borax at the Dollar Store. I'd have to go next door to Walmart to get it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Eventually I walked down the school supply aisle. There was the poster board. I picked one up, proud of myself for remembering. I forgot that there were two items on my list and went to the register to pay for my reading glasses and poster board.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I placed the basket and the poster board on the register belt and got my credit card out to pay for the purchase. That's when I noticed that my car keys were not in my purse. I checked my pockets. Not there.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Crap.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I thought, <i>"Where did I put my keys?"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The Dollar Store lady looked at me and said, <i>"They're in the basket."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I said, <i>"Did you read my mind or did I say that out loud?"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She said, <i>"You asked me where you put your keys."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Oh,"</i> I said. I left the store holding my bag of reading glasses, the poster board, and my car keys, with my tail between my legs. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">How embarrassing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh well. It was just the Dollar Store.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I headed next door to Walmart.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After entering the store I thought, <i>"What am I here for?"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-24148010223039564402018-03-12T15:32:00.001-07:002018-03-12T15:32:56.842-07:00The Box<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Mom. I found your box."</span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"What box?"</span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"You know what box. And it's very disturbing."</span></i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I had been Face-timing Kimmy from a cruise port to see how everything was going at home. And she apparently found my blog box.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"What was in the box?"</i> I asked. I wanted to be sure we were talking about the same box.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She may have found the box containing my school pictures, which also would have been disturbing.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Or the box containing my toenails.</span><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Just kidding.</span></i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Where do I begin?"</i> Kimmy replied. <i>"Barbie doll heads, poop play dough, mustache bandages. Here. I'll show you."</i> She walked into my bedroom where the box was atop the bed, its contents overflowing.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"That's my blog box," </i>I said. <i>"Don't mess it up."</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Which is pretty funny considering the fact that for the past seven years I've been shoving blog props into the box. I have to sit on it to get the top to fasten.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"I should have known,"</i> she said, removing a very expensive item. <i> "Is this your wine bra?" </i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Yes! That's my <a href="http://notesfromanerdling.blogspot.com/2010/06/test-driving-wine-rack.html" target="_blank">Wine Rack Sports Bra</a>. You can use it if you clean it afterwards." </i> </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK8u_RkSqK5M2wreqjaaJSURO6urv7e3ej4TxY00ymh4v3mhSuHQy9W1Q7V2u_mS9TarcK_Nx3THomu55SAWIr8X_KOpzYWQJIWpUDT62-H-tDYci-c5bgch2nVxR0NcjFvJRNsekFjBiV/s1600/IMG_0818.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK8u_RkSqK5M2wreqjaaJSURO6urv7e3ej4TxY00ymh4v3mhSuHQy9W1Q7V2u_mS9TarcK_Nx3THomu55SAWIr8X_KOpzYWQJIWpUDT62-H-tDYci-c5bgch2nVxR0NcjFvJRNsekFjBiV/s320/IMG_0818.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Kimmy looked closer at the cloudy, mold-infested wine bladder that is virtually impossible to clean. <i>"I think I'll pass,"</i> she said, wisely.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She asked how my cruise was going and I told her about Miles, the creepy senior citizen who kept telling me how "youthful" I looked and followed me around the ship like a puppy dog.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Kimmy returned her attention to the box and removed another treasure. <i>"Here's a Barbie doll with no feet. She's got band aids around her stumps."</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Oh, that's <a href="http://notesfromanerdling.blogspot.com/2013/12/when-i-posted-my-question-on-facebook.html" target="_blank">Handicapped Barbie</a>,"</i> I said. <i> "She donated her feet to my Barbie Doll Foot earrings. Be nice to her."</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMmao6XxTXR-RrpGyowLEX4U82kclGJmMuUT3bq_jVZjD9V3XbBqyEdIBJ4nXknwKa2N5-0L5rAj4cFSxD185N41H-szooA6TB5plmfzLCHmx-bamvUI_-Y1nNmwxmamITv6Q78Mxi3Ou7/s1600/barbie.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="320" data-original-width="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMmao6XxTXR-RrpGyowLEX4U82kclGJmMuUT3bq_jVZjD9V3XbBqyEdIBJ4nXknwKa2N5-0L5rAj4cFSxD185N41H-szooA6TB5plmfzLCHmx-bamvUI_-Y1nNmwxmamITv6Q78Mxi3Ou7/s1600/barbie.JPG" /></a></span></div>
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Right. And what the heck are these?"</i> she asked, holding up a pair of baby socks with dust mops sewn to the bottom.</span><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Those are Kevin's. For when I want him to sweep the floor."</span></i><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiJXo0chbXtzKECwUWM3msoLrKeu8yVTaTEMfvPqRvhMLbaO1z28AI6W1APgbIjoiKGApZs2wZwvibS9eZFx8g7h80kfYttmuXqmxnBGJza0-QWHo4WrHIDE-YpPfLHgjDYrW4upWDjWUe/s1600/sox.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiJXo0chbXtzKECwUWM3msoLrKeu8yVTaTEMfvPqRvhMLbaO1z28AI6W1APgbIjoiKGApZs2wZwvibS9eZFx8g7h80kfYttmuXqmxnBGJza0-QWHo4WrHIDE-YpPfLHgjDYrW4upWDjWUe/s320/sox.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"No comment. What the heck?"</i> she said, holding up my inflatable bra inserts. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She said she was glad I didn't bring them along on my cruise. Miles might have had a stroke.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Kimmy then held up a can of <a href="http://notesfromanerdling.blogspot.com/2011/11/poopsickle-experiment.html" target="_blank">Poop Freeze</a> and I explained to her that it makes Kevin's poop easier to pick up when it's warm outside.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMborZTY8GI81OhsKKm_VkDPKlTC07SN8AkEjwQcwdznrf9M60S071xN6LXPog6LDcFR7iYhVIoCuVuwnNAveHon4n_G1hJqv1H7mlfwcX6lb1BwHUSV76mrMWV9DYqoCAcDS1t5JIFWOm/s1600/poop.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1031" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMborZTY8GI81OhsKKm_VkDPKlTC07SN8AkEjwQcwdznrf9M60S071xN6LXPog6LDcFR7iYhVIoCuVuwnNAveHon4n_G1hJqv1H7mlfwcX6lb1BwHUSV76mrMWV9DYqoCAcDS1t5JIFWOm/s320/poop.JPG" width="206" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Freezes it right on the spot," </i>I added. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Kimmy had nothing to say about my Poop Freeze. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"What is this?"</i> she asked, holding up what looked like an unraveled ball of black yarn.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I'm not sure," I said. "It looks familiar."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She examined it more closely. <i>"It looks like the yarn is attached to fishnets."</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Of course. My <a href="http://notesfromanerdling.blogspot.com/2013/06/discouraging-attention.html" target="_blank">hairy leg </a> fishnet hose.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Damn! I should have packed those.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Miles might have been following around some other youthful guest. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOD0eVZ-wl5VKBO5D-CGCuaf9jDSZfZmsXP5LEeo0r6C9IZhg1WAyJ6QkCXceqxqA_JqZ0eURpjLoNU-CXcpD1_x9erdidH7yeT0SuFeCaC0A3UklW31uzHJmFhRGtA6Weik7xb66BzLWw/s1600/legs.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1377" data-original-width="1600" height="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOD0eVZ-wl5VKBO5D-CGCuaf9jDSZfZmsXP5LEeo0r6C9IZhg1WAyJ6QkCXceqxqA_JqZ0eURpjLoNU-CXcpD1_x9erdidH7yeT0SuFeCaC0A3UklW31uzHJmFhRGtA6Weik7xb66BzLWw/s320/legs.JPG" width="320" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Who shaves. </span>Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-71402807381568729512018-02-16T11:58:00.000-08:002018-02-16T11:58:20.287-08:00My Second Career<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A light bulb went off when I saw Gestalta on the shelf at Ikea.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm retired. I need a new hobby. I could become and artist and sell my works at cafes and art fairs!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And (gulp) maybe some day to museums!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Really! No goal is too lofty for me. I am Lou Clyde. I just have to aim high and persevere!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So I bought Gestalta as an investment to help me hone and perfect my drawing skills.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvUH_5zkpQ5czxWvMHyxQOFmBxHKxLOzyfIEOHrMritkcA5k-eNSsYatO_SuWT1aJoIbsCSVphainq2mLvtDMtbgJkD6G9Fru-1_KGgult6JEJ5kXgaIxJcNeaxq5FXLwv3-ny38cRhjk2/s1600/IMG_0630.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvUH_5zkpQ5czxWvMHyxQOFmBxHKxLOzyfIEOHrMritkcA5k-eNSsYatO_SuWT1aJoIbsCSVphainq2mLvtDMtbgJkD6G9Fru-1_KGgult6JEJ5kXgaIxJcNeaxq5FXLwv3-ny38cRhjk2/s320/IMG_0630.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was Dave who told me I had the artistic talents of a Pictionary playing sloth.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Thanks, Dave, for crushing my dreams.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And I wasted $5.99 plus tax on my Gestalta. I decided to put him on the mantel next to my mannequin leg.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglI708maa2wv7xtoAsuCzBtsmPgVoZxTEBk3B8ScGfOckkb2Hhd0T64DDxDChQ4VIuPSpy_n9Y_6OMvMbw_D-4LHNp-54eZZdkgrAEuhptF56GV464_ZO3WBNY1aiPz-Zj8wcKTcQMv7lm/s1600/IMG_0654.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglI708maa2wv7xtoAsuCzBtsmPgVoZxTEBk3B8ScGfOckkb2Hhd0T64DDxDChQ4VIuPSpy_n9Y_6OMvMbw_D-4LHNp-54eZZdkgrAEuhptF56GV464_ZO3WBNY1aiPz-Zj8wcKTcQMv7lm/s320/IMG_0654.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was Kimmy who told me my Gestalta was creepy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I took another look at him and I had to agree. He was naked. Did I really want porn on my mantel?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He needed clothes, and I was hoping Barbie would lend him something. It turns out that Gestalta is big-boned compared to Barbie, and, unfortunately, the only thing that fit was her bathing suit.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvTPjXhOgxWSMwGwG5t42OQQzizfvZ3HHqS-w_K1wM3_WkI0MbsGZHEf2zxdEtvPzJrnZBh-29XbNDD6EKRlUq_Ohzv7pxPcmgudgKCkaHMzrHTtzNxjG3jOY4J7VpNpqb08spXEZccrZ4/s1600/IMG_0652.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvTPjXhOgxWSMwGwG5t42OQQzizfvZ3HHqS-w_K1wM3_WkI0MbsGZHEf2zxdEtvPzJrnZBh-29XbNDD6EKRlUq_Ohzv7pxPcmgudgKCkaHMzrHTtzNxjG3jOY4J7VpNpqb08spXEZccrZ4/s320/IMG_0652.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was Luke who told me that my bikini clad Gestalta was even creepier than porn star Gestalta.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At this point I was getting really annoyed at the lack of support and respect I was receiving from my family.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But I guess Luke had a point.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So I gave transgender Gestalta a beautiful head of hair. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Except it was uneven.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx9t_O4Y1CCybMgPz7NjZclBoxhmjz1k2cpCrRhGgkeMWB5TlhWg25M4kaGh-7uvn1z1XhfKKmWUKxYGVrM_-A-rwIfliRuh7YCtsOKPR6__O92byDytS4aKDSCTeYfDFjxyBhyK2itBjC/s1600/IMG_0643.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx9t_O4Y1CCybMgPz7NjZclBoxhmjz1k2cpCrRhGgkeMWB5TlhWg25M4kaGh-7uvn1z1XhfKKmWUKxYGVrM_-A-rwIfliRuh7YCtsOKPR6__O92byDytS4aKDSCTeYfDFjxyBhyK2itBjC/s320/IMG_0643.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And the light bulb went off again.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm retired. I need a new hobby. <br /><br />I can become a hairdresser!</span>Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-33310804638987089152018-02-08T09:07:00.000-08:002018-02-08T09:07:52.469-08:00The Interrogation<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The fact that it was a victim-less crime did not make it any less horrendous. This criminal was clever. Cunning. No prints at the crime scene. No DNA.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Solving this case would require an elite team of investigators.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I discovered the crime while looking for Tylenol in the suspects' medicine cabinet. A piece of chocolate cake molded into a tight ball. An open invitation to every sugar-craving ant, roach, and cootie within five miles.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I quickly identified two persons of interest. Each with rap sheets as long as their chubby little arms.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCh8-2LNlnJrCn1nMyaY5fcHLkB2RH8zidrwFZDVDmQohZvYx6EHvKdwkYiewvC3Nc4im8HhW9cLdZvyodS5azTXR8JCT-6sKCh3fGW-c_DnXas2mlVGpsMKMVGMP514xSITmsjAthJeDK/s1600/xmas+card.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1039" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCh8-2LNlnJrCn1nMyaY5fcHLkB2RH8zidrwFZDVDmQohZvYx6EHvKdwkYiewvC3Nc4im8HhW9cLdZvyodS5azTXR8JCT-6sKCh3fGW-c_DnXas2mlVGpsMKMVGMP514xSITmsjAthJeDK/s320/xmas+card.jpg" width="207" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Linda, aged 3, had recently been arrested for fishing poop out of a toilet, inserting it into an unzipped zip-lock sandwich bag, and leaving it, along with its foul fragrance, in the bathroom trash can.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Suspect #2, 9-year-old Kimmy, was a repeat offender, having multiple arrests for leaving "potions" in various locations around the house, including under her bed. These vile concoctions contained random ingredients such as ketchup, mayonnaise, soda, and suntan lotion.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">After securing the crime scene, I placed the suspects on the counter beneath bright interrogation lights.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: <i>"Listen up, Girls. Who put this balled up piece of cake in the medicine cabinet?"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">KIMMY:<i> "Not me!"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">LINDA: <i>"Not me!"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: <i>"Tell the truth. Which one of you did this?"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">KIMMY:<i> "I would never do that!"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME:<i> "Okay, Linda, did you do this?"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">LINDA:<i> "No."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: <i>"Then how did it get there?" </i> And stealing a line from my own mother,<i> "It couldn't have grown feet and walked there by itself!"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">KIMMY: <i>"Daddy must've put it there."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: <i>"Why would Daddy put a piece of cake in the medicine cabinet in your bathroom?"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">LINDA: <i>"I think Bluie did it."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Ugh. This shameless hooligan disgusted me. Blaming it on her dog was just plain reprehensible.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: <i>"Bluie doesn't have thumbs."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I was getting nowhere. It was time to call in reinforcements</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: <i>"Well, let's let Daddy figure it out. <b>DAVE! WE NEED YOU!"</b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">We could play good cop/bad cop. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Dave would be the bad cop.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Dave wandered into the bathroom, unprepared for the chaos.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">DAVE: "What?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: <i>"Look what I found in the medicine cabinet. This balled up piece of cake sitting right next to the toothpaste. And both girls deny putting it there."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Without hesitation, Dave looked at Linda and said, "<i>Linda, why did you do it?"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">LINDA:<i> "Because I'm sorry."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I gasped. It was that easy. Clearly he was the good cop.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Which made me the bad one.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I looked down at the little felon. "Linda, you are sentenced to one hour in your jail cell. No books."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The delinquent paused before entering her bedroom.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"Can Bluie come?"</i></span><br />
<br />Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-41647018570690512182018-01-19T17:39:00.001-08:002018-01-19T17:39:36.100-08:00Preparing for the Test. Again.<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I told the doctor that I'd rather starve for 2 weeks than go through another <a href="http://notesfromanerdling.blogspot.com/2013/11/preparing-for-test.html" target="_blank">Colonscopy Prep.</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It has been over 10 years and I still bear the emotional scars.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The doctor assured me that the process has improved. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">He lied. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwbNgtMxZiQ9oHxsZPNZGh2GuG0W6kkg3RP27WcjN93oYQygl9iV4TMdltl4q3bb7qF1i35_yWlH2hJAhn4PPl_2s2mn_2f6oyjUp1clgmIq_I9l_QHFvDRmu7G4IojoJsjiiDqKWnyRNj/s1600/colon2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="188" data-original-width="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwbNgtMxZiQ9oHxsZPNZGh2GuG0W6kkg3RP27WcjN93oYQygl9iV4TMdltl4q3bb7qF1i35_yWlH2hJAhn4PPl_2s2mn_2f6oyjUp1clgmIq_I9l_QHFvDRmu7G4IojoJsjiiDqKWnyRNj/s1600/colon2.jpg" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>9:30 PM</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I drank the 1st of 2 glasses of the nasty-ass colon cleanser. And I proceeded directly to the toilet.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Nothing happened.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Instructions said to drink 5 glasses of water between the 1st and 2nd courses. At my own pace. I drank a glass of water and returned to the toilet.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Nothing happened.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So I changed into my brand new adorable flannel PJs. With the cute doggies. It was going to be a long night. Might as well be comfortable.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I drank another glass of water and returned to the toilet.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Nothing happened.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I decided to lie down on the bed, which is approximately 6 steps from the bathroom. Kevin, my dog snuggled up next to me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Then all hell broke loose. At the risk of throwing Kevin under the bus, IT WAS ALL HIS FAULT! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">He slowed me down.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I struggled, unsuccessfully, to pull down my adorable PJs. The blast from my backside was meteoric. Burst of colon contents blew from my nether-regions.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The prep was working.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So much for my adorable PJs.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Over the next 8 hours I established an intimate relationship with my colon.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">COLON: <i>You may as well get comfortable in here. Grab a book.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: <i>Do I have time to grab one from the family room?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">COLON: <i>No promises.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: <i>There's a Soduku book next to my bed.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">COLON: <i>Hurry. But don't walk too fast.</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I completed 13 Soduku puzzles.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>11:15 PM</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">COLON: <i>You can get up now. I'm done.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: <i>You sure?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">COLON: <i>Yeah. Go lie down on the bed. It's just 6 steps from the toilet. I'm fine.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: <i>If you're sure.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">COLON: <i>I'm sure.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I laid down on the bed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">COLON: <b><i>GET UP NOW!!!!!!!!</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: <i><b><span style="font-size: large;">OH MY GOD!! #@#$% Move, Kevin!</span></b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Too late. There went another pair of PJs.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>1:30 AM</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I took another dose of the poo prompter potion, followed by a glass of water. I returned to my throne where </span><span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">I completed 7 more Sodukus.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>3:05 AM</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">KEVIN: <i>Woof. </i>(Translation: <i>Take me outside.</i>)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: <i>I can't take you outside, Kevin.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">COLON: <i>You can take Kevin out. I'm done.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: <i>That's what you told me last time.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">KEVIN: <i><b>Woof.</b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">COLON:<i> You didn't take Kevin for a walk last night. I think he needs to poop.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: <i>How ironic.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">KEVIN: <i><b><span style="font-size: large;">Woof!</span></b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">COLON:<i> I'm done. Take him out.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: <i>You'd better be done!</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I took baby steps down the driveway. <i>Since it's impossible to walk normally while squeezing your cheeks.</i> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Kevin pulled at the leash. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>Like I wasn't walking fast enough for him.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: <i>Hurry up, Kevin!</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">COLON: <i><b><span style="font-size: large;">GET YOUR ASS BACK TO THE TOILET. NOW!!!</span></b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ME: <i><b><span style="font-size: large;">Oh, no! Not again! DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY!</span></b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Too late. There went yet another pair of PJs.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipj1hXuoTwPdeQL9W2VVn91irknbnasnc0mz9a_CmnQV7l7p3QoMlp-qqbQ1xxEau7514mJzdZRiQWx_9PikNK0C0Qz7cbzR9CzFRlsL-nxVen9DE8s9rNn41HuV_ZqNloZjAQ_kHKHdGZ/s1600/IMG_0419.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipj1hXuoTwPdeQL9W2VVn91irknbnasnc0mz9a_CmnQV7l7p3QoMlp-qqbQ1xxEau7514mJzdZRiQWx_9PikNK0C0Qz7cbzR9CzFRlsL-nxVen9DE8s9rNn41HuV_ZqNloZjAQ_kHKHdGZ/s320/IMG_0419.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>I was like a damn infant.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>5:00 AM</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">COLON: <i>Great job, Lou. It's clean as a whistle in here. What time is the company coming?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">LOU: <i>1:30.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I don't remember much about my 1:30 Colonoscopy. I slept right through it. I do know that I had the most delicious turkey sub on the way home.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>2:17 PM</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">COLON: <i>For crying out loud, Lou! This place is a complete mess again. Thanks a lot.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">LOU: <i>Don't worry about it. We'll clean it up again in about 10 years.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-16036592122826009252018-01-10T14:03:00.001-08:002018-01-10T14:03:22.032-08:00Lot X<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">We heard the din from blocks away. Cheering. Hooting. Screaming. Singing <i>"Shout"</i>. And <i>"Lets Go Buff-A-Lo"</i>. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Mostly off-key.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">As my friend Mike and I rounded the corner, we encountered the sea of red and blue. Lot X was packed with thousands of crazy-ass Buffalo Bills fans who had waited a long time for the privilege of attending a playoff game. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A very long time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The 17-year playoff drought was over.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And these fans were celebrating. Lot X had been transformed to Orchard Park South.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The excitement was contagious.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">These die-hard fans were proud. And emotional. And they travelled a long way to attend this Buffalo Bill's playoff game in Jacksonville, Florida.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv_wvshO20fpQrkil6aCJROJEvbSkQ_y6hZccdzMO0-9jsny6gy19KSy7Y-csXvQsqqsS9Dx-95cNKONt0OVxOgj3fBYGf2HQycSoGdAfUn5WvFcxtq9kwItRhyQXhmMAJ-YXstBa7MRtI/s1600/IMG_0371.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv_wvshO20fpQrkil6aCJROJEvbSkQ_y6hZccdzMO0-9jsny6gy19KSy7Y-csXvQsqqsS9Dx-95cNKONt0OVxOgj3fBYGf2HQycSoGdAfUn5WvFcxtq9kwItRhyQXhmMAJ-YXstBa7MRtI/s320/IMG_0371.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnJ2Tai_-8aGtgJssshkpnZa-pObuU5w_xn4sU-KOBLDM2EKP9SIKVQiJcRdw1RTxjOl0wDGWB_WLPU4Kqm76K9ldokH1flWLeY5-33YyRuzHR2cer_mXqZDIrJ1iIYTjdKElDgzsLjKDz/s1600/car1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="403" data-original-width="464" height="277" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnJ2Tai_-8aGtgJssshkpnZa-pObuU5w_xn4sU-KOBLDM2EKP9SIKVQiJcRdw1RTxjOl0wDGWB_WLPU4Kqm76K9ldokH1flWLeY5-33YyRuzHR2cer_mXqZDIrJ1iIYTjdKElDgzsLjKDz/s320/car1.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">They <i><b>had</b></i> to come. No choice. This was the Bills' first playoff game of the century.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The playoffs became a reality on New Year's Eve. The stars aligned at about 7:45 PM EST. Buffalo had just beaten Miami and Cincinnati pulled off a dramatic upset of Baltimore, awarding Buffalo the last wild card spot.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Shouts could be heard around the world. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I'm not exaggerating. <span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>There are Bills fans everywhere.</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And fans began making their playoff plans.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">JP, a Buffalo transplant now living in DC, packed his Buffalo Bills PJs and drove 800 miles to Jax. He was not going to miss that game.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIXZV4J5Dv-XsKkodDZaSNEsPMO5S9CEk_dCh4Ut9rw1AHKVf8VGqJ67O4X599DkALXVJcu1fxp7B8YREXYRqkMeobXT0A-x2uQJAZmYigxf4Ft-oW6VpIjRMVh7LwxFYyt92ab4AUn6nc/s1600/IMG_0348+%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIXZV4J5Dv-XsKkodDZaSNEsPMO5S9CEk_dCh4Ut9rw1AHKVf8VGqJ67O4X599DkALXVJcu1fxp7B8YREXYRqkMeobXT0A-x2uQJAZmYigxf4Ft-oW6VpIjRMVh7LwxFYyt92ab4AUn6nc/s320/IMG_0348+%25281%2529.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Jack, who chose more formal attire for the game, had a less convenient itinerary. He flew from NYC to Tampa and drove the 200 miles to Jacksonville in a rental car.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdjMqkuLQ67McqYZkynI8TQ4eAfkDCyXwaxW_FaAMKe6KXL76J4orb31oTbjTG5lXZ1eJ_JbLOUwvxwrpNTMqbkeEUWTY_oe9psGqmcZZ_AChiavL5N-FNPOeUXuoDj7g3Q2h3Hzo5qq76/s1600/IMG_0350+%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdjMqkuLQ67McqYZkynI8TQ4eAfkDCyXwaxW_FaAMKe6KXL76J4orb31oTbjTG5lXZ1eJ_JbLOUwvxwrpNTMqbkeEUWTY_oe9psGqmcZZ_AChiavL5N-FNPOeUXuoDj7g3Q2h3Hzo5qq76/s320/IMG_0350+%25281%2529.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Jack was 6 years old the last time the Bills had a playoff berth.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Then there was Stephen from Rochester, who took a train to Philly to catch his flight to Jacksonville. He had not been expecting the team to make the playoffs. He was happy enough when they beat Miami, but when Cincinnati scored that touchdown on a 4th and 12 play? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHepnfYRFtfjz-KW-3OaPHLMTGGHMqXN1o-dBwkGys84xxsO9ZzqZddhj3oVCp7RP5pnOCXq69_DYGB5sNlJgW8ykxDwrg0rn0siJKPbpTuR_ZFpaxDnBHj3_i2eBto1z9Ujg26ikvZ9mX/s1600/IMG_0354.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHepnfYRFtfjz-KW-3OaPHLMTGGHMqXN1o-dBwkGys84xxsO9ZzqZddhj3oVCp7RP5pnOCXq69_DYGB5sNlJgW8ykxDwrg0rn0siJKPbpTuR_ZFpaxDnBHj3_i2eBto1z9Ujg26ikvZ9mX/s320/IMG_0354.JPG" width="240" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"I don't cry often,"</i> he said.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Josh, Bailey, and Erik had their airline tickets and hotel rooms booked within two hours of that game's finish. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC4_3lovrbEpTuKKKQm0_IeTEU8Qv3Vb8ZCKg7MhuETqBjaEFmvfSt7z6x8Qhe9atoQ5Qp1FaKUiehRDqWybcyQkCLaPGQh-di-t54Aeghn7FMTzsor8nevLl3hPbPqJTLfcc5wV_3pzAi/s1600/IMG_0355.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC4_3lovrbEpTuKKKQm0_IeTEU8Qv3Vb8ZCKg7MhuETqBjaEFmvfSt7z6x8Qhe9atoQ5Qp1FaKUiehRDqWybcyQkCLaPGQh-di-t54Aeghn7FMTzsor8nevLl3hPbPqJTLfcc5wV_3pzAi/s320/IMG_0355.JPG" width="320" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">There was no way they were going to miss the first playoff game since 1999.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Michelle and Jenna were watching last week's game in a house with 28 of their best friends. <i>"Everyone was screaming. And there were plenty of tears." </i></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhViE-Pm8Ifimxt2EliWX2jTgOw5jaK9GDvLlsulmoTYdA2EDT-GRRpEBNYWzdQ4rV-l2oANkwYjlgYhrJw63Oecw49lGSA54O3SVcNOld056S3Zp033F3US0cjySkhgPMPigfg0nw_Oe-D/s1600/IMG_0363.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhViE-Pm8Ifimxt2EliWX2jTgOw5jaK9GDvLlsulmoTYdA2EDT-GRRpEBNYWzdQ4rV-l2oANkwYjlgYhrJw63Oecw49lGSA54O3SVcNOld056S3Zp033F3US0cjySkhgPMPigfg0nw_Oe-D/s320/IMG_0363.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">They booked their flights immediately.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Jenna #2 was lucky to make it to the game after her flight was nearly cancelled. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdZnYY5xwRkmBOU8niHhCEahm7u3S-a0p-oQDtjUoSd-I-u0kLX7JY2pNZcnOdTAAa9bC3xWGwb_tQ58uGECffm_w8HjTgZnm4vZsYxMbmOp50TcdH8JVcT0pndqSdPatukRZ-4neGSwnh/s1600/IMG_0358.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdZnYY5xwRkmBOU8niHhCEahm7u3S-a0p-oQDtjUoSd-I-u0kLX7JY2pNZcnOdTAAa9bC3xWGwb_tQ58uGECffm_w8HjTgZnm4vZsYxMbmOp50TcdH8JVcT0pndqSdPatukRZ-4neGSwnh/s320/IMG_0358.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">She flew from Rochester to Tampa and drove to a hotel in Daytona Beach, arriving at 3 am Sunday morning. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Whew.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Tyler, originally from Attica, had a short commute from Ft. Meyers. He brought along his deep fryer and boxcars of chicken wings to share with scores of new friends in Lot X.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_RVPI0-yqnMOp6X7y145JvJOd3-9TjbOC7ckY39lKoHwFoN0bOroUDh99o7Opqsq5k5dLc5B3blh9HZp_WjKCHBkfNKiroXSfqFpAQ9bWPmaMwAE_WTHcH_cZUzil-cxTkWeTcnopzAlE/s1600/IMG_0369.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_RVPI0-yqnMOp6X7y145JvJOd3-9TjbOC7ckY39lKoHwFoN0bOroUDh99o7Opqsq5k5dLc5B3blh9HZp_WjKCHBkfNKiroXSfqFpAQ9bWPmaMwAE_WTHcH_cZUzil-cxTkWeTcnopzAlE/s320/IMG_0369.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Tyler, who was 6 years old the last time the Bills had post-season play, watched the Miami game at his parents' house. He commented that the second half of the game was "normal Bills' shit" (<i>aka Dolphins coming from behind</i>). When Cincinnati won, his family "went insane". </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Champagne and palm trees were involved.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In the center of the pandemonium stood Jamile, a confused Jaguars fan who somehow parked his car in Lot X.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhioKU2_FMbBGQL4OLqCzJm0EKRhUx5y8vUEexnCypgvfbAF1oLsBGHFavKR62jAxXKtDcNyiL5IozWHiOhVZM8amvnwwMok_pK1MSWA2vs1pSqIjRRTA-YljrPFLzR6KRK00_PNwPxB82O/s1600/IMG_0372.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhioKU2_FMbBGQL4OLqCzJm0EKRhUx5y8vUEexnCypgvfbAF1oLsBGHFavKR62jAxXKtDcNyiL5IozWHiOhVZM8amvnwwMok_pK1MSWA2vs1pSqIjRRTA-YljrPFLzR6KRK00_PNwPxB82O/s320/IMG_0372.JPG" width="240" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">He had to admit, <i>"You guys know how to travel."</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Marshall and Jackie from North Tonawanda took the scenic route to Jacksonville, driving to Cleveland, flying to Orlando and taking a rental car 145 miles to the game.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxxYK-Mr7PAA9vPhVp_-GoNjL4o61CBqOvK8M5Y5S5yzmaxlido0Ar9bmlC_Vmq8hmsKN0CGvQmSS4jqs_FtmwKxOjh5p4QTBbbb5y_FJsM014r-1rDVc5a3AB__Or8sUNKXoZsQR6smIk/s1600/IMG_0379.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxxYK-Mr7PAA9vPhVp_-GoNjL4o61CBqOvK8M5Y5S5yzmaxlido0Ar9bmlC_Vmq8hmsKN0CGvQmSS4jqs_FtmwKxOjh5p4QTBbbb5y_FJsM014r-1rDVc5a3AB__Or8sUNKXoZsQR6smIk/s320/IMG_0379.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">They had watched the Miami game at a party with 30 people. When Cincinnati beat Baltimore, "Shit hit the fan." Marshall had tears in his eyes as he described the tears in his eyes that night. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">He's been going to Bills games for 42 years.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Karen and Vinnie are best friends who met in Lot X on playoff day.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUql8s6DddML4-MCSwjUUV3HX1ajLvnxiqXJkLiAMDH07yyKLS55xfmYBZ_9B_STr11xjkYYBEqU0DBlfnUTZZLpYV0wDFLTlIqr0B4fHNGcSAY1sZQpN6hrlUjAiUOneMy-D4Bm2Y_4VA/s1600/IMG_0381.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUql8s6DddML4-MCSwjUUV3HX1ajLvnxiqXJkLiAMDH07yyKLS55xfmYBZ_9B_STr11xjkYYBEqU0DBlfnUTZZLpYV0wDFLTlIqr0B4fHNGcSAY1sZQpN6hrlUjAiUOneMy-D4Bm2Y_4VA/s320/IMG_0381.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Karen apparently booked her non-refundable flight to Jacksonville BEFORE THE MIAMI GAME WAS OVER.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>What?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Every Bills fan knows that no game is over UNTIL IT IS OVER.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I asked her, <i>"Have you not heard about the Music City Miracle?" </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"Sure," </i>she said. <i>"But I just knew they were going to win. I had faith."</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"She was drunk,"</i> said Vinnie.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Mike and I left Lot X after meeting a myriad of amazing fans. Celebrating as if they had won the Power Ball lottery. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">As we headed into the stadium we noticed Jaguars fans tailgating.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkZrVk97gpioHXx2H4mg4L4azmY2_Ep45xlIh7vuLwQWHEb2mnEgqCfzYAeqU6oYKS1bkQLCiNHJ2rYa84KPAd7FEunVNvhImyzyA9tJy0EKt0Y2vc4wLNHJy4QHoEYhwPti9G12PN6NBe/s1600/IMG_0380.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkZrVk97gpioHXx2H4mg4L4azmY2_Ep45xlIh7vuLwQWHEb2mnEgqCfzYAeqU6oYKS1bkQLCiNHJ2rYa84KPAd7FEunVNvhImyzyA9tJy0EKt0Y2vc4wLNHJy4QHoEYhwPti9G12PN6NBe/s320/IMG_0380.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Sipping red wine and eating cheese and crackers. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">How <strike>lame</strike> charming.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The day would have been <b>perfect</b> had the Bills upset the Jaguars. Unfortunately, the Bills' offense did not show up on the field.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Sill, I suspect that nobody I met in Lot X that day regrets making the trip to Jacksonville for one of the most boring playoff games in the history of the NFL. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I certainly don't. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Lot X was as far from boring as you can get and <span style="font-size: large;"><i>I will never forget my time there. </i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">With my Bills Mafia peeps. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">After the game Mike and I ran into Raul and Celina, Bills fans living in Kissimmee, Florida. They were married in 1999, the last time the Bills made it to the playoffs. In fact, Raul affectionately calls Celine, "the curse." They were at the Miami game last week and stayed in the stadium, in enemy territory, with other Bills fans to watch the infamous 4th and 12 touchdown. Raul described the scene: people openly crying. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJV45ZGLn6g4oXzH4wPjZ7HpFR5l0GTkk7UYn1uZ2TR3idTVYzK7xXdlkwaP0b7kDdLvV0bKXNkWugYa6GlTnIClRwnsBuLOD9OQI0h_5AgGAHg9aixE6-Wdyv9q3ayZS_6eJUjv0ha3rJ/s1600/IMG_0393.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJV45ZGLn6g4oXzH4wPjZ7HpFR5l0GTkk7UYn1uZ2TR3idTVYzK7xXdlkwaP0b7kDdLvV0bKXNkWugYa6GlTnIClRwnsBuLOD9OQI0h_5AgGAHg9aixE6-Wdyv9q3ayZS_6eJUjv0ha3rJ/s320/IMG_0393.JPG" width="240" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"It was the best day of my life,"</i> he said. Then he snuck a look at Celine (the curse), and added, <i>"not counting when my kids were born</i>."</span></div>
Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-4874224124813171172017-12-29T17:40:00.000-08:002017-12-29T17:40:10.876-08:00Don't Even Ask<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Why did I even ask?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's not like Dave is one of the Property Brothers. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He's NEVER had opinions of my home decorating projects. T</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">he only reason he knows I'm redoing the powder room is that he tripped on the ladder.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKC7090lDyHNNVgifnTG91PYwyrCya5KzCnHpApPO-xl4GOwrT5Fo5rLfWPIYFhAwbHaoL9EA3SimCOIsLHafXvxi4aqvYymNNazDyGNQPaPRPPHNgPg5U8CA2dLBY4yPygzOHqtsE7DX3/s1600/remodel.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="188" data-original-width="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKC7090lDyHNNVgifnTG91PYwyrCya5KzCnHpApPO-xl4GOwrT5Fo5rLfWPIYFhAwbHaoL9EA3SimCOIsLHafXvxi4aqvYymNNazDyGNQPaPRPPHNgPg5U8CA2dLBY4yPygzOHqtsE7DX3/s1600/remodel.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Why is there a ladder in the bathroom?"</i> he asked.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I had to remind him that I was stripping the wallpaper.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Oh."</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And I could have totally predicted his answer anyhow, when I attempted to show him the canvas art print I was thinking of buying for the "new" powder room.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"You don't need a picture in the bathroom."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Actually, it reminded me of my late Dad. After visiting my sister's new home he told me how impressed he was with it. <i>"You know, Loulie, she's got a picture hanging in her can!" </i>He chuckled, shook his head and said,<i> "Imagine that. A picture in the can."</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I looked at Dave and flatly told him that I was absolutely hanging a picture in the <strike>can</strike> bathroom.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He grumbled, <i>"What a waste of money."</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I wonder what he would have said had he actually looked at the picture that I attempted to show him.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCTICL0l9ygG7CeEapG83jcKmxDpv5z920ixVgQvC8cOXQhpnKegNS9wXVh3mhZeSzglRxZFLR4XBsYO1EnhH2-I7hGPdGcMrAFHCRwG7-0ah8Axy8xWaKcQ-FwSVy4T4KhdqRagMJfthM/s1600/tp.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="337" data-original-width="237" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCTICL0l9ygG7CeEapG83jcKmxDpv5z920ixVgQvC8cOXQhpnKegNS9wXVh3mhZeSzglRxZFLR4XBsYO1EnhH2-I7hGPdGcMrAFHCRwG7-0ah8Axy8xWaKcQ-FwSVy4T4KhdqRagMJfthM/s320/tp.JPG" width="225" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I think I'm going to go ahead and get it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He'll never notice it, anyhow.</span>Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-61250230334725753622017-12-24T19:18:00.000-08:002017-12-24T19:18:47.240-08:00The Bad Loser<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Dave called me a bad loser.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4K0x-AgozTKK5j8OIIOcQY_sqq9PMxfVdA3TETtvPZqD2xV8T2IwPFi4dmsmHLv8rzhYO1kDAznfw8uGAPwWCY_C9eqkOPuNRe2rL7ljhMlDAnZyJ47LkIk8-RbRS-RHIOZsi3IJP4iYC/s1600/loser.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="220" data-original-width="229" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4K0x-AgozTKK5j8OIIOcQY_sqq9PMxfVdA3TETtvPZqD2xV8T2IwPFi4dmsmHLv8rzhYO1kDAznfw8uGAPwWCY_C9eqkOPuNRe2rL7ljhMlDAnZyJ47LkIk8-RbRS-RHIOZsi3IJP4iYC/s1600/loser.png" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I AM NOT A BAD LOSER!!!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm, actually, a very good loser. I'm so experienced at losing that I've gotten quite good at it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But this time the judges got it wrong.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Okay. Technically, I did lose.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But the thing is, <i><b>I really should have won</b></i>. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The judges made an egregious error. Not unlike the referees at every Bills - Patriots game since 2000.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNqhB5vW9iczsHTUme3o2f2lBO6WXo43v_2saJH1jqt5-aZlaVg82XY-GfWII9F9y6wnXzmUm_oTI5zbNVajP7IEH92m0qAtDbfjgrtJJoRvFrvk64UQ30ExZHG-qPHlNyJ8HgVrH3K9Il/s1600/gronk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="168" data-original-width="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNqhB5vW9iczsHTUme3o2f2lBO6WXo43v_2saJH1jqt5-aZlaVg82XY-GfWII9F9y6wnXzmUm_oTI5zbNVajP7IEH92m0qAtDbfjgrtJJoRvFrvk64UQ30ExZHG-qPHlNyJ8HgVrH3K9Il/s1600/gronk.jpg" /></a></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Perhaps the <strike>idiots</strike> judges did not understand that they were judging an "Ugly Holiday Sweater Contest." </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not a Cute Holiday Sweat-shirt Contest.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Please believe me when I tell you that the competition was rather lame. There were many very Cute Holiday Sweaters, one Cute Holiday Sweat-shirt, and my Ugly Holiday Sweater.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was not even aware that there was a prize for the ugliest holiday sweater that afternoon, when I <strike>randomly</strike> carefully attached garland and Christmas ornaments to one of Dave's old sweaters.</span><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(I am quite the seamstress, after all.)</span></i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But when I stepped back to examine my masterpiece, I realized that it looked kind of cute.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Like Tiffany's Cute Holiday Sweat-shirt.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIrfL_7R5bUKyNE9cZ0iOPNRTLuOX9Iu9lk2xVFM1BPwpZKjkNhJl3AKLk473AIxVaT4Mm1L88cuInWY9EJNvjGAoE0nglN6zWNBHi7yUQNzbQd-9aZ0slbBujJ59ZQarltSjPDmjzS8oj/s1600/winner.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="479" data-original-width="235" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIrfL_7R5bUKyNE9cZ0iOPNRTLuOX9Iu9lk2xVFM1BPwpZKjkNhJl3AKLk473AIxVaT4Mm1L88cuInWY9EJNvjGAoE0nglN6zWNBHi7yUQNzbQd-9aZ0slbBujJ59ZQarltSjPDmjzS8oj/s320/winner.JPG" width="156" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So I search the house high and low for some way to make my cute holiday sweater ugly.</span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When I found my bag of assorted plastic bugs I knew that I'd hit pay dirt. What could be uglier than a cute holiday sweater with bugs crawling all over it?</span><br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Nothing.</span></b><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(Certainly not a Cute Holiday Sweat-shirt.)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And it was not an easy feat sewing those guys on that sweater. Especially the ones with all the legs. Let's just say that there's nothing more frustrating than a tangled mess of insect legs and thread.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUxQtjz5MPr82ouWWzjsQ1hdPc4XWi4Bpfx3JeUrC_aWHb_XmXRWzQNA0q9inJwFPQB97TysOdRszmFeGIocV11bQIiih65G6YWO1NcHfh-wRAkrCej4OzgKjlO6MM4UWEPg7ANrTjBgdn/s1600/loser.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="525" data-original-width="282" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUxQtjz5MPr82ouWWzjsQ1hdPc4XWi4Bpfx3JeUrC_aWHb_XmXRWzQNA0q9inJwFPQB97TysOdRszmFeGIocV11bQIiih65G6YWO1NcHfh-wRAkrCej4OzgKjlO6MM4UWEPg7ANrTjBgdn/s320/loser.JPG" width="171" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(Except, of course, unfairly losing an Ugly Holiday Sweater contest.)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When the <strike>drunken</strike> <strike>blind</strike> judges announced that Tiffany was the winner, I stepped back gracefully to let her own the spotlight.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then I wandered back to Dave, informing him that my sweater was way uglier than Tiffany's Cute Holiday Sweat-shirt. Which is when he called me a bad loser.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"I want a recount," </i>I whispered to him.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But then I looked at Tiffany. She looked so happy in her cute holiday sweatshirt, basking in the glory of having unfairly won the Ugly Holiday Sweater contest with her counterfeit ugly sweater.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I remembered that this is the holiday season. The season of giving.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And those <strike>imbeciles</strike> judges just gave Tiffany the gift of the Ugly Holiday Sweater award.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Merry Christmas, Tiffany. </span>Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-68094670244409317232017-12-06T19:01:00.001-08:002017-12-06T19:01:30.496-08:00The Fish Spa<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I
approached the Phuket Fish Spa with determination, prepared to stick my
feet into an aquarium containing throngs of tiny scavenger fish
commissioned to nibble and suck away my dead, dry skin.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In preparation for my visit, I had consumed two large Changs. </span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMJw7-I9rv7h26sxVFznLwg_bVkW9V9tO4zb-GAtx0UhRCEdh5ZyFSxytvMKbD880Beg7gEf3dIxqP-LyaquVCbBnvSrTJLuFOwD2scf9AcRiEnrEpP7SfRO7Q0kE0G_PKeNyZ8-43PsS7/s1600/chang.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="168" data-original-width="299" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMJw7-I9rv7h26sxVFznLwg_bVkW9V9tO4zb-GAtx0UhRCEdh5ZyFSxytvMKbD880Beg7gEf3dIxqP-LyaquVCbBnvSrTJLuFOwD2scf9AcRiEnrEpP7SfRO7Q0kE0G_PKeNyZ8-43PsS7/s1600/chang.jpg" /></a></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I should have had eight. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The Fish Spa attendant greeted me and I shrewdly negotiated a price of $400 Baht for 10 minutes. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">She took my money and motioned for me to take a seat at the edge of the aquarium.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I dangled my feet above the murky water. The fish looked up at me, their tiny, greedy mouths watering.</span><br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha2LsA7H_-DB9GsUx1OVoX3B35LXTO6ApdNREJl7aWR_JRa621nK9mCgL90CpaAGarDRfULyomiJ6PKsBYTiK7Mw1srndFTvQUURt9suEgVz4niISro9pgSSouhjsaP9pJ2XaFuuDfC6hw/s1600/fish1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha2LsA7H_-DB9GsUx1OVoX3B35LXTO6ApdNREJl7aWR_JRa621nK9mCgL90CpaAGarDRfULyomiJ6PKsBYTiK7Mw1srndFTvQUURt9suEgVz4niISro9pgSSouhjsaP9pJ2XaFuuDfC6hw/s320/fish1.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I tentatively moved my feet closer to the water. One millimeter at a time.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Dave was like,<i> "Stick'm in! You're wasting money!"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I inched my feet downward.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimhCallKAnXIWy9wtVqZ11rNNR1JBQRIcAzAXs7OrXLQz6zpft2j5OePzSDHnvFs8qRNI6eQtFOtW9vOcorlKdoKMfF0OUnSZVuq9_H6KCAq1_1f_-Q5qgBXqEC6_23G3w_T4meo9FhVmw/s1600/fish2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimhCallKAnXIWy9wtVqZ11rNNR1JBQRIcAzAXs7OrXLQz6zpft2j5OePzSDHnvFs8qRNI6eQtFOtW9vOcorlKdoKMfF0OUnSZVuq9_H6KCAq1_1f_-Q5qgBXqEC6_23G3w_T4meo9FhVmw/s320/fish2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Closer still.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I was about 7 minutes into my 10-minute Fish Spa treatment, and still about 2" from the water, when the Fish Spa Attendant reached over and<span style="font-size: large;"> SHOVED MY LEGS INTO THE WATER!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I screamed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And my feet responded like a jack-in-the-box, catapulting several fish into the seedy looking bar across the street.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Meanwhile, daughter Linda and brother-in-law Mark were thoroughly enjoying their fish exfoliations in the adjacent aquariums.</span><br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYoV92bXKv0hR4WwDZIppqhRxc5ToSMfKaBZPYSyHwoM1lxdC9vHvvEe64AWSd0QZJ3BqPSwedbRcY2X1rmJnmfoBnakhUOcRHQNzZ7tAbitIGsOvTN9Y1qVLZ84LDrecP9TTjlUu3lCnX/s1600/lindamark.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="558" data-original-width="726" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYoV92bXKv0hR4WwDZIppqhRxc5ToSMfKaBZPYSyHwoM1lxdC9vHvvEe64AWSd0QZJ3BqPSwedbRcY2X1rmJnmfoBnakhUOcRHQNzZ7tAbitIGsOvTN9Y1qVLZ84LDrecP9TTjlUu3lCnX/s320/lindamark.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And they began to apply peer pressure. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Calling me a wimp. And other unfair, unnecessary names.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I tried. Oh, how I tried. I really did. But every time my heels touched that water, and I locked eyes with those flesh eating monsters, I screamed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A crowd began to form.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>I had an audience.</i></span> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And I realized that I had to give <b>the performance of my life</b>. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">From out of nowhere came an unexpected surge of Adrenalin. I took a deep breath and lowered my feet into the terrifying tank.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><b>And I successfully achieved my goal</b></i>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
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</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu0MvyGRiyrSivHHC9D208WemcnRBB6VRomGM1xS1U80CztFRHwfLGZjdnS9FIZqmxxa51tm0Wh3RW6FDymVIk6dBv7pqZZwUOQnEgrZOIZDwAlw9kDIPqVUYHqJOH9-6W9XMXZqJOop-m/s1600/loufish.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="818" data-original-width="534" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu0MvyGRiyrSivHHC9D208WemcnRBB6VRomGM1xS1U80CztFRHwfLGZjdnS9FIZqmxxa51tm0Wh3RW6FDymVIk6dBv7pqZZwUOQnEgrZOIZDwAlw9kDIPqVUYHqJOH9-6W9XMXZqJOop-m/s320/loufish.JPG" width="208" /></a></div>
<br /><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Just kidding. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'll get a Fish Spa next time I'm in Thailand. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But I'll need a LOT more alcohol.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-36333732577843854392017-11-16T15:25:00.000-08:002017-11-16T15:30:36.425-08:00The DIY Project<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I usually outsource my do-it-yourself projects.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I'm not proud of that. But when God blessed me with my extra pogo-sticking/jump rope gene he had to sacrifice another. There went my DIY gene. (And perhaps my cooking gene.)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Last night I had a huge project looming in front of me. And it had to be finished by Friday.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Which left no time to farm it out. If it was going to get done, I would have to do it myself.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The project required a screwdriver and a screw.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I checked in my garage workshop to see if I had the necessary tools.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNHeWKq-WEUAWz7ls1li89ogOtMehVHZ8CHLgXSAPn4SNQOK7O8Y1wE1lTX0FNyJ3HqaZVuOHIYkJXbkcypUdN2RvnXksjj86lgvWG8yzALp2AXwSFAJPRtrFKZnwqqdSD0aDiV07N1k64/s1600/IMG_4466.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNHeWKq-WEUAWz7ls1li89ogOtMehVHZ8CHLgXSAPn4SNQOK7O8Y1wE1lTX0FNyJ3HqaZVuOHIYkJXbkcypUdN2RvnXksjj86lgvWG8yzALp2AXwSFAJPRtrFKZnwqqdSD0aDiV07N1k64/s320/IMG_4466.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Of course, I didn't.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I asked Dave if he thought Food Lion would have the tools I needed to complete my project. He told me probably not.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Damn. I'd have to drive to Walmart. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I pictured myself looking for the tools in Walmart. All those aisles. It was overwhelming.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I was about to give up when Dave reminded me of my roots. Blaine Clyde. My Dad. Who changed his own oil. Who took things apart just to put them back together. Whose genes I did not inherit. </span><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Was I adopted??</span></i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I decided to go to CVS. I knew it would cost more, but time is money. And I became fast friends with the salesclerk who helped me search all over the store and finally find the tools I needed.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> </span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEqwEszrYSUS3HJyw6dlWBY-dviv-nKpZ_jbVVOXiI5XGPF9lstPWokc3YBj0-JTv-tomIpOoHGLkoIoIeyqYKivMsIrIn-pui7_LEpDflj28dvRQhWmmipX-5sVR5X6BjsUVsqcacJ-8A/s1600/IMG_4467.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="480" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEqwEszrYSUS3HJyw6dlWBY-dviv-nKpZ_jbVVOXiI5XGPF9lstPWokc3YBj0-JTv-tomIpOoHGLkoIoIeyqYKivMsIrIn-pui7_LEpDflj28dvRQhWmmipX-5sVR5X6BjsUVsqcacJ-8A/s200/IMG_4467.JPG" width="150" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">When I got home I opened the package and pulled out the miniature screwdriver and the minuscule 5 screws. I picked up my favorite one-armed pair of sunglasses, its amputated arm, and went to work.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It was the most challenging project I've faced since I <a href="http://notesfromanerdling.blogspot.com/2015/01/the-stripper.html" target="_blank">stripped wallpaper in 2015.</a></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Unfortunately, the eyeglass repair kit did not include an electron microscope. The itsy-bitsy notch atop the teeny-tiny screw that the $#&%# screwdriver fits into was invisible to the naked eye. <b> </b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>And I had to turn that stupid screw to reattach the amputated arm!!</b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Now, I have very small hands. But it was near impossible to grip the Barbie Doll screwdriver and hold it in place in the notch while turning the damn-nappid screw. </span><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">(I may have made up that last word. It's my prerogative.)</span></i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The screwdriver kept slipping and stabbing my thumb. I needed 6 stitches.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>(Okay, I'm exaggerating. Again, it's my prerogative.)</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">However, I am pleased (and proud) to announce that after 29 attempts and just 2 band aids, I was successful. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFtwqbXOoLNQ_7IKD5bPT2WlB7Lzgif1oOuXEeZiyUypocnsePfhIMR1gBr5L6bk4k1XpD5GwIMm4Z8Y-SEICepRxfFagxayZFLWdmNGleVIGLYB4g4FR6fTZymwaeG_b81MWsZ0u8wiPR/s1600/glasses.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="336" data-original-width="482" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFtwqbXOoLNQ_7IKD5bPT2WlB7Lzgif1oOuXEeZiyUypocnsePfhIMR1gBr5L6bk4k1XpD5GwIMm4Z8Y-SEICepRxfFagxayZFLWdmNGleVIGLYB4g4FR6fTZymwaeG_b81MWsZ0u8wiPR/s320/glasses.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I'm pretty sure I wasn't adopted. And Blaine Clyde would be proud.</span><br />
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<br />Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700144126570797296.post-7461376192219672252017-11-07T19:33:00.001-08:002017-11-07T19:33:55.009-08:00Coexisting<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Here's the deal with retirement. I'm around Dave. A lot.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Truth be told, that is the one thing I was a wee bit worried about.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Yes, we've been married for um... let's see... 2017-1985=32 years.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">OMG! That's almost 1/3 of a century!</span></b></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHGYqkLuyjggC98fM6a50XlKQqBCpsVP0RnXupT4aCwRf_HumCucHCgaTbhb0LJfIzWN_w-Ey2ZU4DacYCPtEG5vhpJ8stvZVGwu_v7iNgwWi3bYNF3yoUsiataREPRFnk4vA2rIWhLP9C/s1600/marriage.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="188" data-original-width="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHGYqkLuyjggC98fM6a50XlKQqBCpsVP0RnXupT4aCwRf_HumCucHCgaTbhb0LJfIzWN_w-Ey2ZU4DacYCPtEG5vhpJ8stvZVGwu_v7iNgwWi3bYNF3yoUsiataREPRFnk4vA2rIWhLP9C/s1600/marriage.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But I've <b><span style="font-size: large;">never</span></b> been around him so many hours at at time. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The first few weeks of retirement went fine. We coexisted quite well.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">That is, until 4:36 PM on Monday, November 6, 2017.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I decided to work on a jigsaw puzzle. And I turned on the Hamilton soundtrack. Because I LOVE THAT MUSIC.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Dave was upstairs on the computer.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Admittedly, I had cranked up the volume. And I was singing along.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"What is that????</i>," my irritable, uncultured husband bellowed from upstairs.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"Hamilton,"</i> I declared. Although, honestly.... Who does not recognize that amazing music? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBi-Z2Xeb06IBaBm64pksi_dbysXY1F8rccv0rGzODcqH52JOONqywvkLS27Fe8NnWpLDLWDUm1NIeR_8L3zdYMX-XY8SG1vhIDuDKlOCD5NYpy_Z9XdCE-9EN8EJ3C1og5VrRLzLzwQ2b/s1600/hamilton.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="150" data-original-width="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBi-Z2Xeb06IBaBm64pksi_dbysXY1F8rccv0rGzODcqH52JOONqywvkLS27Fe8NnWpLDLWDUm1NIeR_8L3zdYMX-XY8SG1vhIDuDKlOCD5NYpy_Z9XdCE-9EN8EJ3C1og5VrRLzLzwQ2b/s1600/hamilton.jpg" /></a></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"That is horrendous. It hurts my ears. Turn it off, please."</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">N</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">ow...</span>. you can insult my clothing. And my haircut. And certainly, my cooking. But you have crossed the line when you insult Hamilton.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">We engaged in a passionate argument about the merits of Hamilton vs. his taste in music. <i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Which is not good.</span></i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I even pulled my trump card. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>"When we were dating you told me you liked plays." </i></span> (I remind him of this ever few years when he complains about me dragging him to a play.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">After a few minutes I got tired of arguing so we made up. I agreed that I would use head phones when I listen to Hamilton in the house.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But I've got news for him. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I will certainly listen to Hamilton with my head phones on. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But if he thought Hamilton was bad, wait until he hears me singing along.</span><br />
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Lou Clydehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07334619683560668905noreply@blogger.com0