Wednesday, May 23, 2018

The Meeting

I have obtained a secret government document which sheds light on how those annoying Medicare Supplement plans are designed.

The following transcript, received from an anonymous source, is from a Medicare Supplement Planning meeting held sometime between 2004 and 2016 in Russia.

Please do not alert Robert Mueller.  Or the FBI.  I prefer to remain an anonymous whistleblower.

PATRICK: Let's charge the people who contributed the most into the social security system 3.2 times the average premium.

CONSTANCE:  Brilliant! 

PATRICK: We have Plans A, B, C, D, F, K, and M.  Do you think anyone will notice that we skipped a few letters?
KARL: Nah.  By the time they finish reading the plan descriptions they'll forget their ABC's.

Indeterminate laughing.

KARL: Can we go back to the blood coverage for a minute?  

CONSTANCE: What don't you get?  Plan F covers the first 3 pints.  Plans K and M cover 50% and Plan L covers 75%.

KARL: If someone in Plans K or M gets attacked by a mountain lion they could go bankrupt.  Just sayin'.

CONSTANCE: If they don't die first! 

Indeterminate laughing.

CONSTANCE: Now, we have room for one more plan.  And remember.  We're trying to maximize profits.  And how do we do that?

KARL/PATRICK: By shortening lives.

CONSTANCE: Very good.

KARL: Plan F covers skilled nursing.  How about a plan that covers unskilled nursing?

CONSTANCE: I like it!  What else should it cover.  Besides unskilled nursing?

PATRICK: How about free skydiving, bungee jumping, and flights on Southwest Airlines?

CONSTANCE: And discounts at Cracker Barrel and Pizza Hut.

KARL: Let's throw in Medical Marijuana.  Just for grins.

CONSTANCE: That could work in our favor.  Especially if they imbibe while skydiving.  We need a name.  D for (giggling) Death?

PATRICK: D's already taken.

CONSTANCE:  Okay.  K for Kill!

PATRICK: K's taken, too.

CONSTANCE: Shit!  All the good ones are gone.

KARL: H isn't taken.

CONSTANCE: Plan H For Homicide. Now we need to come up with the premium.

PATRICK: Let's keep it simple.  How about their monthly social security payment minus the square root of the sum of the digits in their social security number?

CONSTANCE: Perfect.  Great job, team.  Meeting adjourned.