skip to main |
skip to sidebar
To say my body is inflexible is a bit of an understatement.
I clearly remember the day my dance instructor, Miss Imogene, attempted to get me to do a back bend.
“Reach for the stars!” she'd say in a sing-songy voice.
I could do that. I was four. I was gifted at reaching for the stars.
“Now bend backwards.”
I would bend two, maybe three degrees.
Next, Miss Imogene would attempt to “help” by placing her arm behind my back and pushing me backwards.
And it worked. My back bent.
However, my legs went into the air as my body converted to a teeter-totter using Miss Imogene’s arm as the fulcrum.
It’s not just my back that is lacking in flexibility. My legs open to a 45 degree angle.
Max.
Let’s just say you won’t see me starring in any porn movies.
I can just imagine the scene on the set.
Director: “Lou, now place your left leg over Bruno’s shoulder.”
Being the professional actor that I am, I would. My right leg would follow, possibly injuring Bruno’s jaw.
“Lou, leave you right leg under Bruno.”
I would return my right leg to its position under Bruno. The left leg would follow clobbering Bruno in his manhood.
"CUT!"
And my porn star career would end. Just like that.
But you know what? I have just discovered a class at Gold’s Gym that may just change my life. BodyFlow offers participants a chance to improve strength and flexibility while rejuvenating the body’s systems.
Finally. After decades of being a stiff I will be flexible! I could become a dancer. Or a porn star. Or a dancing porn star!
Decisions, decisions....
OMG. I could be a Twerk Star!
Or not.
Why did the Scarecrow win the Nobel prize?
He was outstanding in his field.
And, for the record, that field was NOT gymnastics.
And, THIS Scarecrow cannot do a somersault onto the stage. Which is what the director wants her to do.
At the risk of sounding arrogant, I used to be quite gifted at somersaults. Forwards. Backwards. Sidewards. Any direction! In fact, I was a stinkin' somersault prodigy!
But that was decades ago.
And the stage is about as soft as a slab of concrete. If I do a somersault on that stage I really will have brain damage.
I’m sure I could do it if I trained hard enough. And if the stage was covered with a feather bed. And a stand-by ambulance was parked outside the theater.
Tiffany, of course, thinks this somersault will be a slam-dunk for me. She reminds me that I jump roped on a pogo stick in Gypsy a few years back.
But I wasn’t wearing a Scarecrow hat!
The thing is, I have to find a nimble, gymnasticky way to get from the corn field to the stage, which doesn’t involve crippling my neck in front of a live audience.
I really don't want to upstage Dorothy, but I have no choice.
I’ll have to do my back handspring.
Finally!
And not a minute too soon.
I was about to give up the fight against my sagging bust! I tried the Oyasumi Goodnight Keep Bra Bust-keeper, but frankly, it did not live up to my expectations.
I guess my girls were too much for it. Gravity prevailed.
I’m hoping that will not be the case for the Oppai Taiso Breast Gymnastics Night BraBust Anti-Sagging pad.
I think it's a superior product. It’s for gymnasts.
Like me.
Because we gymnasts typically have huge boobs.
It is a well-kept secret in the world of gymnastics, that a large bust can create havoc on the balance beam.
I can certainly attest to that.
In fact, my double Ds were my downfall in the 1984 Olympic games.
Gravity took over and another Mary Lou came from behind to become the first American woman to collect a gold ribbon in Gymnastics.
One can only imagine how different my life would have been had the Oppai Taiso Breast Gymnastics Night BraBust Anti-Sagging Pad been around when I mounted that balance beam back in the 1984 U.S. Nationals.
Gravity would not have prevailed, the 5 times it did. I would have been as graceful as a gazelle, with the girls gathered tightly in place.
I most certainly would have beaten that bitch Mary Lou.
And it would have been me on the Wheaties Box.
No use crying over spilt cereal milk. I say better late than never! I’m starting my training tomorrow.
It’s less than 18 months before the 2016 Summer Olympics. Look out Brazil, here I come!
Me and my Oppai Taiso Breat Gynmnastics Night BraBust Anti-Sagging Pad.
