Bumper Dumping

I never intended to publish 3 toilet-themed posts in a row.  

I have a reputation to protect.  Notes from a Nerdling is a highly intellectual, educational blog.

Stop laughing.   

It really was unintentional.  I accidentally happened upon the Bumper Dumper while innocently surfing the web.  

Come on, guys?  How could I possibly resist sharing this amazing apparatus with my readers?

The Bumper Dumper is exactly as it sounds: a toilet seat attached to a steel frame that hooks on to a trailer hitch converting the back of your vehicle into your very own port-a-potty. 

I mean, think about it.  This product is life changing!  No more having to wait for nasty, inconvenient road side rests!  

If you have to “drop a deuce” (I learned that from the Poo-Pourri commercial), all you have to do is pull over to the side of the road, attach your Bumper Dumper to the trailer hitch and drop!

And, like Poo-Pourri, Bumper Dumper has a kick-ass slogan: "When it comes to #2, we are #1”.  
 
And it is sturdy.  Bumper Dumper will hold up to 500 pounds.  (Doesn’t that just elicit the most disturbing fascinating images?)

The Bumper Dumper sells for $59.99. 

Being a cheapskate frugal, I would never spend that much money without first reading product reviews on Amazon.com. 

And I’m so glad I did! This guy had a lot of good advice:

Forget the bucket, just use the ring seat and this device can be, all kidding aside, a lifesaver. Toss the five gallon bucket, it's useless and the manufacturer just puts that on the photos so the EPA doesn't make a stink about it.

That’s great, because the Bumper Dumper does not come with a bucket! 

And check out these great user tips!

Keep feet out in front of you like you're on an elementary school swing--the ground splatter can be unsightly on your Gore-tex hikers.

Woah.  That's good to know.

Sometimes it's nice to relax, grab an LL Bean sale catalog, drink some java and enjoy the morning. The bumper dumper allows you to be civil and to really pass the time outdoors. I hold my pinkie out when I drink from my coffee cup on the bumper dumper. I probably wouldn't bother with that if I was just taking a dookie over a log.

"Can someone please pass the Grey Poupon." You'll feel like King Edward on his throne gazing down on his subjects: a squirrel, a blue jay, a couple of chipmunks, an army of ants. That's the cool thing about this dumper. It makes you feel all kingly. 

 What a fantastic customer experience!  I’ve got goosebumps.

Tip: if you are using this product in an urban setting--for instance, parallel parked next to a busy sidewalk-- it's crucial to wear a rain poncho so that it hangs down below the seat and keeps you covered. Passersby will think you're just sitting on a chair, expecting rain and reading a newspaper. Just wave to them, as cool as a cucumber, like nothing’s going on.

That will be no problem for me at all, considering my brilliant acting skills.

I do suggest, however, that you hold the poncho out to the sides at the moment of purge as any ill-timed breeze will blow the plastic cloth right under the seat. Not good. Trust me, it's a real bear to drive a few hundred miles in the humid summertime with a "dirty poncho" under your seat. I've made this ghastly error once. Notice, I said "once".
 
On second thought...

I think I’ll wait for the rest stop.

It Happens

You’ve all been there.

Perhaps it's what you ate for lunch.  Or where you ate.  Or something has you worried.

You have to go.  Badly.

But you’re not at home.  You’re at work. Or at a friend’s house. 

And you know that if your go, every breathing organism within 120 square yards will know what you were doing behind that closed door.

Of course, I have never personally experienced this scenario.

My poo doesn’t smell.

But this blog is not about me.  It is my social responsibility to identify and recommend products that may benefit my readers.  

You’re welcome.

(Although, admittedly, I will peripherally benefit from others’ usage of this product.)

The product to which I am referring is Poo-Pourri.  How can you not admire a product with a brand promise of: “Our business is to make it smell like your business never even happened”?

Poo-Pourri is a fragrance which is sprayed into the toilet before you “drop a deuce”.  (I learned that term from the Poo-Pourri video.  I'm gonna start using it.). 

I know what you’re thinking.  

How can spraying fragrance into a toilet stop the smell?  

Great question!  Poo-Pourri leaves a protective layer of essential oils that traps odors under water (in their porcelain prison).

But that is not all.   

This product not only masks unwanted odors, it ostensibly cleans the toilet bowl, erasing all evidence of the deposit.  (It may take 2 or 3 flushes if your skid marks are as tenacious as the spokeswoman’s.)

Sadly, I will not be able to test drive this product, since, as I mentioned: My poo doesn’t smell. 

I just realized that this is my second post in a row dealing with pooping.  Between the Squatty Potty and the Poo-Pourri I have become somewhat of an expert in the art of Number 2. In fact, perhaps I should change careers, considering the wealth of knowledge I have achieved.  

I could be a stinkin’ Proctologist!

But  then again, I don’t think I have the stomach to deal with proctology exams.

Unless....

OMG!  I just had one of my many scathingly brilliant ideas.  

One squirt is all it takes!  And to all you Protologists out there?  

You're welcome.

The Stool Stool

It was the product’s name that first got my attention.

But it did not take me long to recognize the significance of this amazing apparatus with the noteworthy name.  

The Squatty Potty, fits around the base of your toilet and allows you to squat, rather than sit, on your toilet seat.  

Apparently, I’ve been assuming an incorrect pooping position my entire life, potentially risking my colon and other unspeakable mysteries from within the depths of my netherlands.   

As you know, one of the underlying goals of this blog is to educate my readers (and simultaneously raise your IQs and increase your chances of breaking 1200 on the SAT.) 

You’re welcome.

To that end, allow me to explain the science of elimination.  

It is really quite simple.  The colon, which is 3-6 feet long, moves poo to the butt for elimination.  And, at the risk of getting too technical, sitting on the throne partially blocks the flow of poo, and often requires significant effort to achieve success.  

However, when perched upon the Squatty Potty, “the movements slide right out.”  In fact, according to research conducted by an Israeli scientist, when squatting, subjects averaged 51 seconds to move their bowels, compared with 130 seconds when sitting on a high toilet. 

Now that's a compelling statistic.

The Squatty Potty sounded good, but I was still a bit skeptical.  To that end, I read some reviews on Amazon.com.

"This product will help you go when you couldn't go and will help you go well when your going wasn't good. It will even keep the going good when it is good. It is all do to the squat. Quite a magical product."

"Not going into huge detail here but here's the honest truth.I WILL NEVER BE W/OUT ONE OF THESE - FREAK'N AWESOME."

"Often I would have to do it twice each morning....as a regular toilet seat never allows the rectal vault to completely empty."

OMG.  I want my own Squatty Potty.   My own stool stool.

Except the Squatty Potty is $64.99.  Way out of my blog budget.

I could always try the yellow pages, and I’m not talking about letting my fingers do the walking.  

But we only had one and I probably needed at least 3 more.   


That’s when I had my epiphany. 

 I could use my go-to accessory.  It was sitting out in the garage and really hadn't been used in years.

Not since Gypsy.  

Introducing the Nerdling Squatty Potty Pogo Stick.   

Coincidentally, my rectal vault was full.

And, at the risk of getting too personal, I will answer the question you undoubtedly have in your heads.  

45 seconds.

The Nose Knows

Please remind me.

If I'm ever in in a car accident in China. 

Don't let me go to a Fuzhou hospital. 

Because the hospital in Fuzhou is seriously messed up.  Don't believe me?  Look what they did to poor Xiaolian:

He damaged his nose in a traffic accident.

And now he looks like he lost a game of Mr. Potato Head to Hannibal Lector.

Apparently,  a plastic surgeon (let's call him Dr. Kawasiki) is harvesting a nose on Xiaolain's forehead and plans to transplant it.

Hopefully to the front of his face.  In the center.  Between his eyes and mouth.  (One can never be sure with this guy.)

Dr. Kawasiki must have quite the sense of humor.

I mean, he didn't just plant Xiaolian's nose in the middle of his forehead.  He put it up-side-down.  

Then, just for grins, he angled it 45 degrees. 

As if he were changing the channel on his 1975 television set.

I initially suspected that saki was involved in this miscarriage of medicine.

But I later learned that Dr. Kawasiki is an arts aficionado.  You guessed it:

One of those kooky Pablo Picasso groupies.

Protecting your Banana Investment

You've all been there before. 

You're hungry.   You reach in your lunch box for your banana.   And damn it!  

Your banana has a bruise. 

Admittedly, the Banana Bunker does not cure cancer, but it does, ostensibly, solve the age-old problem of how to keep you bananas safe.   And protect your banana investment.

Because, who wants to eat a bruised banana? 

Certainly not my kids.  I used to tell them, "That's where the monkey kissed it."   They didn't buy it. 

The Banana Bunker has an accordion middle, allowing it to fit nearly any banana.  

Except those that are truly gifted.    

But my Mama didn't raise no fool.  I would never buy a product without first reading the reviews on Amazon.com.  

And I'm so glad I did!  The first review for the Banana Bunker was positive:

"I purchased these for my sister who asked for them for her birthday.  Which was odd considering that she is allergic to bananas.  But at any rate, when I asked her about how they were working out she said they got the job done."

I read more reviews and was surprised to learn that the Banana Bunker not only protects bananas, but enhances their taste!  

"I don't understand it but apparently these must make bananas tastier because my wife started eating them.   I could never get her to eat bananas in the past.  After getting one of these, she must eat them quite often.  I say this because every morning when I wake up the empty Banana Bunker is on her night stand.  She seems a lot happier now and a lot less frustrated.  Thank you Banana Bunker.  I think you saved our marriage."

Amazing.  The Banana Bunker saved a marriage.  

There were a ton of positive reviews for the Banana Bunker on Amazon.com.  In fact I only saw one negative one.  

But between you and me.... I just don't get it.

"Supposed to protect my banana...
but she got pregnant anyway."

Recovering from Toilet Envy

I have finally gotten over it.

It has taken two years, but I've done it.

No more Toilet Envy for me.  No siree Bob.

My long time readers may remember just how excited I was about my new high-tech toilet with its quiet seat close technology (Toilet Envy blog).  All you had to do was give the seat a nudge when it was in the upright position and it would slowly and quietly make its way south.

I was so proud of that toilet.

But then I read about the Japanese Toilets with all their high-tech features.  And Toilet Envy reared its ugly head.

Yep.  Those Japanese Toilets with ridiculous high-tech features.

See?  I am completely over my Toilet Envy.

I mean, who in the world needs a heated toilet seat?  I don't live in Buffalo any more.  And a spray that washes your "front and rear"?  I'm sorry, but I'll take care of that myself.    An automatic air purifier?  How irrelevant!  

My poo doesn't stink!

Yep, I am WAY over that bad case of Toilet Envy.

Besides, there are plenty of low-tech ways to enhance the bathroom user experience. 

I could always add a urinal.  They do have some creative, funky ones on the market these days.  

But what fun would that be for me?   In case you hadn't noticed, I don't have a penis.  In order to use a urinal without making a huge mess, I would have to use my GoGirl.  

And that's just way too much work for me.

I thought about adding a La-Z-Boy Toilet, but I really don't want to encourage long visits.

Then I happened upon this guy.  The problem is that he reminds me of one of one of my co-workers and the thought of pooping on his tongue was...well.....  

I never thought I'd say this, but I think I'm too mature for that.

Then I found the coolest toilet seat ever.  The Guitar Toilet Seat:

Except for one problem.  I don't play the guitar.  And if I put a Guitar Toilet Seat in my bathroom, I'd feel like a fake,

Guests would comment, "Lou, I didn't know you played the guitar!"  They'd look away uncomfortably when I'd say that I don't.   I would hear them whispering to other guests, "Can you believe the audacity of Lou?  Leading us on like that?"

Yes, that would be utterly humiliating.

To that end, I've selected the perfect  toilet seat for my bathroom:

Unarguably Nerdling material.

Desiring Dimples

When my friend, Chris suggested that I blog about the Dimple Machine I was was swept into a wave of Deja Vu. 

You see, I have very fond memories of this amazing invention.  It was in my parents' Medical Book.   

The Clyde Medical Book was the most popular piece of literature in the neighborhood among the under-12 crowd.   It was about 3 inches thick and had information about every ailment you could imagine.  

But, by far, the best part of the book was the notorious photo gallery containing images of things like ringworm.  And cold sores.  And malformed genitalia. 

We never tired of that book.  It was so gross.  

I miss that book.

But, Chris was onto something! I don't have dimples (on my face that is).  I wanted to test drive the Dimple Machine.  I needed to test drive the Dimple Machine.  

But sadly, the Dimple Machine is no longer on the market.

Did that stop my quest for a dimple?  No sirree.  I carefully studied the illustration of the product, and determined that centering the ends of a headband on my cheeks would probably do the trick. 

So I attempted to re-purpose my Cameltoe Headband on my face.  It kept falling off.

I was getting frustrated.  I wanted dimples. There had to be another solution.  

So I did some research.  And learned that all I need is chop sticks.  

It not only worked for her, it worked for her sister!

And if that's not convincing enough,  a young man who goes by the name of "ExpiredRaymen" provides even more evidence.

Considering that I require Nitrous Oxide to get my teeth cleaned, I am a bit concerned that I will have the necessary stamina to poke myself with chopsticks for "alot of time." 

And what if I don't look good with dimples?  I mean, my face is pretty perfect right now.  What if chopstick dimples ruin my looks?  

I may be permanently scarred.  

Just to be safe, I decided to see how I would look with dimples.  So I did a little PhotoShopping:

That is when I had my epiphany.  Who needs chopsticks to get dimples?  All you really need is Band Aids!

But flesh tone Band Aids make for such boring dimples.  

Who wants boring flesh toned dimples, when you can have colorful, Angry Bird Dimples?

And the best part?

No Chopsticks required.