Friday, May 6, 2011

Wake Me Up Before I GoGirl

Speaking of PooTraps, I've been meaning to order myself a GoGirl.

What?  You don't know what a GoGirl is?  GoGirl is the great gender equalizer! GoGirl allows women to pee standing up. And, according to the advertising: It’s neat. It’s discreet. It’s hygienic. Now THAT'S a brand promise.

GoGirl looks to me like a cross between a rubber funnel and a tuba.  (Or some kind of sex toy.)  Apparently, you just hold it up next to your...well the place from which pee originates...and go..girl. And the pee is magically directed away from your feet. 

Evidently, when you get good at it, you can just unzip your pants, pull out your GoGirl, and go.  According to the ads, "you won't be like a man, you'll just pee like one."

Look closely at this picture. Note that the top portion of the GoGirl is labeled 'UP'. Good thing. I suspect if you put the 'up' side down the pee would be directed at your knees.

They suggest you practice in the shower. 

Good call.

Think about it, ladies. How many times have been forced to use filthy, disgusting toilets in emergency situations? Until the GoGirl our options were limited: squat, toilet paper origami, or just plain holding it.

I admit it. I am a terrible squatter. Why?  First, it hurts. Contrary to popular belief, I am not, nor have ever been a ballerina. Secondly, my aim is not good. My on-base percentage, so to speak, is about 20%. The other 80% of the time pee either rebounds off the seat onto my legs or takes the short-cut route directly down one (or both) legs.

I prefer the toilet paper origami option, although I'm not much better at that. I do an adequate job of covering the seat, but IT NEVER STAYS PUT!  No matter how gingerly I move, in an attempt to minimize potential gusts of wind generated by turning toward the door and pulling down my pants, inevitably, half the paper is in the toilet by the time I sit.

Yes. The GoGirl would really come in handy in those situations.

It would also come in very handy when hiking. It's bad enough squatting over a filthy, germ infested toilet, but I'd rather not expose my va-jay-jay to poison ivy, black widow spiders, copperheads and grizzly bears (not to mention other hikers).

One time when Kimmy was about 4 years old we went on a hike.  We were about 1/2 hour into it when she told me she had to go potty. 

We tried the squat.

"OK, honey. Pee"
"I can't"
"Then let's keep walking"
"I have to go potty!!!!!"
"Then go"
"It won't come out. I can't stand like this and go. I have to be on a toilet"

So I made my arms into a toilet, holding her body so she was suspended above the ground, her legs swinging freely. I looked ridiculous (and it hurt), but desperate situations call for drastic measures.

And it worked.

She peed.

All over my jeans.

Oh, yes.  A GoGirl would have really come in handy  that day.

But one of the best things about GoGirl is that it's reusable.  Please don't accuse me of making this up.

It's dishwasher safe.


  1. Hilarious.
    Hmmmm. Wonder if they could overnight me a You Go Girl in time to avoid the odious portajohns at the Golf Tournament?