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I wish my dog pooped jewels. But he doesn't. He poops poop. Plain old poop.
Avery's dog poops jewels. Red jewels. Probably rubies.
Avery is part of the Moxie Girlz Poopsy Pet collection. According to the Moxie girlz website, "the pets are cute- and just like magic, they have silly poop!"
Kevin's poop is not at all silly.
As a side note, while researching the Moxie Girlz Poopsy Pets, I googled “I poop jewels” and was disturbed delighted to discover a whole new world of jewelry made of, you guessed it, poop.
Apparently moose poop makes very attractive earrings. As does bird poop. And quail droppings.
BTW, these earrings better be produced by some crazy-ass engineering geniuses, because the ear lobe is not that far from the nose. And I don’t know about you, but I would not want the eau-de-moose poop wafting around my face all day.
Even if they are swank as shit.
Back to those Moxie dolls. They don’t just poop jewels.
This animal collection is truly extraordinary. It contains a caboodle of crap. There’s an elephant that poops peanuts, a panda that poops bamboo shoots, a tiger that poops striped eggs, and a unicorn that poops rainbows.
Yes. You heard right. A unicorn that poops rainbows.
It’s almost too good to believe!
I decided to take a trip to amazon.com to see what the reviewers had to say.
I was not disappointed. They appear to love it!
"This educational toy is great for teaching kids about pooping.
Personally, I poop rainbow drops that feel like velvet and smell like
orange sherbet, unless I eat chili, then its more like rose petal
potpourri. If its just gas, then a rainbow beams out and swirls the
room, wrapping itself around anyone in the room with a loving embrace."
"My life was incomplete without a rainbow-pooping unicorn amongst the many unique toys decorating my professional office. This newest conversation piece is, without question, the crème de la crème of the lot"
"Lots of poopin' fun! The only way they can top this rainbow-pooping unicorn is if they make a pet cat that poops out dead mice. Now THAT would be epic."
Seriously? A cat pooping out dead mice?
I couldn't agree less. A cat pooping out dead mice would do absolutely nothing for me.
Now a Pomeranian pooping tampons?
That, my dear readers, would be legendary.
I’ve prepared for many tests in my life: SAT… GRE… the final exam to my Rocket Science 801 class.
They were all frolics in the park compared to preparing for a Colonoscopy.
(For those of you not familiar with a Colonoscopy, imagine a camera going on a hike through your netherlands; the trail head is your tush.)
To prepare for a Colonoscopy, you must completely empty the contents of your colon to make it squeaky clean.
Please allow me to mention that a colon is 5 stinkin’ feet long. (Which means, in my case, it about reaches to my eyelashes.)
The prep involves drinking a massive container of the most vile tasting liquid ever concocted: a bubbly mixture of fluids drained from an autopsy table combined with bleu cheese.
The instructions suggest that you hold your nose as you drink it.
Good call.
But it works. Minutes after I drained the glass, I relocated to the bathroom where, for the next 4 hours, I achingly excreted everything I’d eaten over the past 90 days.
And then I HAD TO DRINK ANOTHER GALLON OF THE AUTOPSY JUICE.
After choking down the second gallon, I hobbled back to my home away from home. I fully expected it to be a waste of time, since there was clearly nothing remaining inside me, except a few worn out organs.
But I was sorely wrong. And angry. I looked down at the contents of the toilet bowl accusingly, “Where are you coming from?” I growled.
Well. That stinkin' Autopsy Juice was so effective, I pooped out food that was on next week’s shopping list. For that matter, I pooped out everything I considered eating in the next 5 years. And Chris Christie’s breakfast.
I continued to purge for 4 more hours until all that remained of me was a stinky pile of skin and bones.
You know what? The whole process wouldn’t have been nearly as bad if I didn't have to drink that damn Autopsy Juice.
Or if Autopsy Juice tasted good. Like wine. Or Margaritas.
Or Gummy Bears.
Next time I need a Colonoscopy I’m ordering myself some Haribo Gummy Candy Sugarless Gummy Bears. Believe me. I’ve done my homework. I’ve read the reviews on Amazon.com and these guys work just as well as Autopsy Juice.
But they taste great! And look at these amazing reviews!
"I ate a bag of those b*tches once. Once. What occurred later can only be described with words like volcanic confetti."
"When I got these, I couldn't contain my excitement and I ate about a quarter of a bag. There would have been less pressure to make two winning free throws in the NBA finals than for gas to escape my bowels. This kind of diarrhea made me think of a new invention.... seat belts for the toilet. I had such diarrhea that I was producing thrust."
"They made my dog pass out."
One woman apparently gave them to her son.
"My eyes focused on my son. Still laying in bed. His bed. It looked like a crime scene. A crime scene where the blood is brown...and stinky. His Thomas the Train bed was sprayed with the brown poo-water. His sheets, his pillow, his Winnie The Pooh (ironic?) stuffed animal. The poo-juice had covered my sweet son's hair, streaked across his face. The folds of his chubby little legs."
This review came from a true Philanthropist:
"I will hand these out on Halloween. Just doing my part to end childhood obesity."
I, too, fancy myself a Philanthropist. I am always looking for ways to "give back" to my readers. To that end, I am in the process of developing an awareness campaign targeted at Gastroenterologists to introduce them to Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears: A delicious alternative to Autopsy Juice.
You’re welcome.
I never intended to publish 3 toilet-themed posts in a row.
I have a reputation to protect. Notes from a Nerdling is a highly intellectual, educational blog.
Stop laughing.
It really was unintentional. I accidentally happened upon the Bumper Dumper while innocently surfing the web.
Come on, guys? How could I possibly resist sharing this amazing apparatus with my readers?
The Bumper Dumper is exactly as it sounds: a toilet seat attached to a steel frame that hooks on to a trailer hitch converting the back of your vehicle into your very own port-a-potty.
I mean, think about it. This product is life changing! No more having to wait for nasty, inconvenient road side rests!
If you have to “drop a deuce” (I learned that from the Poo-Pourri commercial), all you have to do is pull over to the side of the road, attach your Bumper Dumper to the trailer hitch and drop!
And, like Poo-Pourri, Bumper Dumper has a kick-ass slogan: "When it comes to #2, we are #1”.
And it is sturdy. Bumper Dumper will hold up to 500 pounds. (Doesn’t that just elicit the most disturbing fascinating images?)
The Bumper Dumper sells for $59.99.
Being a cheapskate frugal, I would never spend that much money without first reading product reviews on Amazon.com.
And I’m so glad I did! This guy had a lot of good advice:
Forget the bucket, just use the ring seat and this device can be, all kidding aside, a lifesaver. Toss the five gallon bucket, it's useless and the manufacturer just puts that on the photos so the EPA doesn't make a stink about it.
That’s great, because the Bumper Dumper does not come with a bucket!
And check out these great user tips!
Keep feet out in front of you like you're on an elementary school swing--the ground splatter can be unsightly on your Gore-tex hikers.
Woah. That's good to know.
Sometimes it's nice to relax, grab an LL Bean sale catalog, drink some java and enjoy the morning. The bumper dumper allows you to be civil and to really pass the time outdoors. I hold my pinkie out when I drink from my coffee cup on the bumper dumper. I probably wouldn't bother with that if I was just taking a dookie over a log.
"Can someone please pass the Grey Poupon." You'll feel like King Edward on his throne gazing down on his subjects: a squirrel, a blue jay, a couple of chipmunks, an army of ants. That's the cool thing about this dumper. It makes you feel all kingly.
What a fantastic customer experience! I’ve got goosebumps.
Tip: if you are using this product in an urban setting--for instance, parallel parked next to a busy sidewalk-- it's crucial to wear a rain poncho so that it hangs down below the seat and keeps you covered. Passersby will think you're just sitting on a chair, expecting rain and reading a newspaper. Just wave to them, as cool as a cucumber, like nothing’s going on.
That will be no problem for me at all, considering my brilliant acting skills.
I do suggest, however, that you hold the poncho out to the sides at the moment of purge as any ill-timed breeze will blow the plastic cloth right under the seat. Not good. Trust me, it's a real bear to drive a few hundred miles in the humid summertime with a "dirty poncho" under your seat. I've made this ghastly error once. Notice, I said "once".
On second thought...
I think I’ll wait for the rest stop.
It was the product’s name that first got my attention.
But it did not take me long to recognize the significance of this amazing apparatus with the noteworthy name.
The Squatty Potty, fits around the base of your toilet and allows you to squat, rather than sit, on your toilet seat.
Apparently, I’ve been assuming an incorrect pooping position my entire life, potentially risking my colon and other unspeakable mysteries from within the depths of my netherlands.
As you know, one of the underlying goals of this blog is to educate my readers (and simultaneously raise your IQs and increase your chances of breaking 1200 on the SAT.)
You’re welcome.
To that end, allow me to explain the science of elimination.
It is really quite simple. The colon, which is 3-6 feet long, moves poo to the butt for elimination. And, at the risk of getting too technical, sitting on the throne partially blocks the flow of poo, and often requires significant effort to achieve success.
However, when perched upon the Squatty Potty, “the movements slide right out.” In fact, according to research conducted by an Israeli scientist, when squatting, subjects averaged 51 seconds to move their bowels, compared with 130 seconds when sitting on a high toilet.
Now that's a compelling statistic.
The Squatty Potty sounded good, but I was still a bit skeptical. To that end, I read some reviews on Amazon.com.
"This product will help you go when you couldn't go and will help you go well when your going wasn't good. It will even keep the going good when it is good. It is all do to the squat. Quite a magical product."
"Not going into huge detail here but here's the honest truth.I WILL NEVER BE W/OUT ONE OF THESE - FREAK'N AWESOME."
"Often I would have to do it twice each morning....as a regular toilet seat never allows the rectal vault to completely empty."
OMG. I want my own Squatty Potty. My own stool stool.
Except the Squatty Potty is $64.99. Way out of my blog budget.
I could always try the yellow pages, and I’m not talking about letting my fingers do the walking.
But we only had one and I probably needed at least 3 more.
That’s when I had my epiphany.
I could use my go-to accessory. It was sitting out in the garage and really hadn't been used in years.
Not since Gypsy.
Introducing the Nerdling Squatty Potty Pogo Stick.
Coincidentally, my rectal vault was full.
And, at the risk of getting too personal, I will answer the question you undoubtedly have in your heads.
45 seconds.
You've all been there before.
You're hungry. You reach in your lunch box for your banana. And damn it!
Your banana has a bruise.
Admittedly, the Banana Bunker does not cure cancer, but it does, ostensibly, solve the age-old problem of how to keep you bananas safe. And protect your banana investment.
Because, who wants to eat a bruised banana?
Certainly not my kids. I used to tell them, "That's where the monkey kissed it." They didn't buy it.
The Banana Bunker has an accordion middle, allowing it to fit nearly any banana.
Except those that are truly gifted.
But my Mama didn't raise no fool. I would never buy a product without first reading the reviews on Amazon.com.
And I'm so glad I did! The first review for the Banana Bunker was positive:
"I purchased these for my sister who asked for them for her birthday. Which was odd considering that she is allergic to bananas. But at any rate, when I asked her about how they were working out she said they got the job done."
I read more reviews and was surprised to learn that the Banana Bunker not only protects bananas, but enhances their taste!
"I don't understand it but apparently these must make bananas tastier because my wife started eating them. I could never get her to eat bananas in the past. After getting one of these, she must eat them quite often. I say this because every morning when I wake up the empty Banana Bunker is on her night stand. She seems a lot happier now and a lot less frustrated. Thank you Banana Bunker. I think you saved our marriage."
Amazing. The Banana Bunker saved a marriage.
There were a ton of positive reviews for the Banana Bunker on Amazon.com. In fact I only saw one negative one.
But between you and me.... I just don't get it.
"Supposed to protect my banana...
but she got pregnant anyway."
