Toilet Envy

I was overwhelmed. It was worse than picking out a toaster.

"Look at all these toilet seats!" There were 8 rows of 6 toilet seats in the "Fashion Bath" aisle at Lowes. That's 48 stinkin' toilet seats!!   

I was with Dave, who has no appreciation for good blog material. "Just pick one out," he said.

"I have to find someone to help, me!" I said, beginning to panic. "They all look the same!"  I started looking for an employee.

"Come on, Lou,” Dave said, beginning to lose his patience. “Just pick one! The Brewers are on in 30 minutes!"

"Ok. I can do this," I said, taking a deep breath.  "I'll use a process of elimination.  Get it?"

Dave ignored me.

"I want a white one." 

"That narrows it down to about 45," Dave groaned.

They had a few of those with cushiony seats. (You may have seen them in your grandparents' homes...they kind of feel like you’re sitting on a partially inflated inner tube... or a fresh bagel.)  One had a butterfly imprint. 

"No cushiony seats and no insects," I concluded.  "That leaves 41 to pick from."

I eliminated the wooden ones for obvious reasons (splinters).  Down to about 35.

Then I saw the latest in toilet seat technology: the QCS ("Quiet Close Seat"). You just give the seat a soft nudge when it’s in the upright position and it stealthily makes its way down...without a sound.

Score!

"I'll take this one," I announced. (Only the best for my hiney!)

I was so excited about our new high tech-toilet seat.  It was amazing!  In fact, I found myself lifting the seat before using it, just so I could observe the QCS in action.  

And you could literally hear a pin drop as the seat settled atop the toilet.

I couldn't have been prouder.

But then I heard about the Toto Washlet.  My stomach sunk as I read about this Japanese toilet:

Experience the ultimate in clean comfort with an automatic, hands-free flushing system and a sensor-activated lid that automatically lifts as you approach the toilet and lowers as you walk away.

Wait a minute!  I have to lift the lid on my QCS with my hand!  And nudge it to get it to close! I looked at my new toilet seat with disgust. 

As I continued reading, a bad case of toilet envy began to set in.

A convenient, easy-to-use remote control affords you effortless operation of our most luxurious Washlet model to date. The S400 offers the following features:

• Auto Flush Activated by Sensors or the Simple Touch of a Button
• Warm Air Drying with Variable Three-Temperature Setting
• Automatic Air Purifier
• Heated Seat with Temperature Control
• Convenient Wireless Remote Control with Large LCD Panel
• Docking Station for Easy Cleaning & Installation

I looked at my QSC accusingly.  "Why can't you heat my seat?"  

I kept reading:

• Gentle Aerated Warm Water
• Front and Rear Washing
• Massage Feature

Wait a minute, I thought.  Is this a toilet or a sex toy?

1. It gets it up without touching it 
2. It massages your "front and rear".

Now that's one very perverted potty!