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It has been over a year since I rolled out my Nerdling line of earrings. And the buyers at Tiffany’s and Nordstroms have been pestering me to release another design in time for the holiday season.
Apparently they cannot keep the Barbie Toilet Paper Earrings on the shelf. And the Barbie Amputated Foot Earrings have become a something of a collector’s item on the Hamptons.
I was faced with the same challenge that I’m certain Michaelangelo had when he finished painting the Sistine Chapel.
How can I possibly outdo myself?
I knew that my next design had to be unique, trendy and sophisticated. I decided to go to WalMart for ideas.
As luck would have it, I happened upon the Lollapalooza Diaper Surprise Doll. I had heard about this amazing doll but had never seen one in real life. Sinkin' amazing. You feed her, push her belly button and magic charms appear in her diaper!
OMG! I could make the next generation of Nerdling earrings out of the Lollapalooza's magic diaper charms!
I was getting goose bumps.
But she was $29.99, which was way out of my prototype jewelry budget. I was about to walk away when I noticed that WalMart sold the Diaper Surprise Diaper Packs separately. For a fraction of the price.
When I got home I had second thoughts. What if word got around that I harvested the diaper charms without a Lollapalooza doll? I was relatively certain that I could just pour water into the diaper and the magical charms would materialize, but that was cheating. And it felt wrong.
Plus, I have a reputation to protect.
Barbie offered to help, but she put me in an even worse mood. “Come on, Barbie. You are way too old for that diaper!”
Or too young.
In the end, I decided to pretend that a $29.99 doll was peeing into the diaper. Through a Go-Girl.
Admittedly, it was the most fun I’d had in weeks. That is, until I realized that the charms were made of plastic.
Pink plastic.
Earrings made of pink plastic were certainly not worthy of my Nerdling earring collection.
I decided to go back to the drawing board. Don't worry...I have another idea.
I used to be concerned about growing old.
I did not want to look older. I did not want to feel older. I did not want to get older. Period.
That was before I had my epiphany. My scathingly brilliant idea related to aging.
Nobody will ever be able to guess my age as I implement my Nerdling Fountain of Youth Strategy. A technique involving no plastic surgery. And no wacky Japanese beauty products.
I know what you're thinking. How can you possibly accomplish such a feat?
I will simply become more immature with each successive year!
I know. It's stinkin' genius!
I do realize, I will have a fine line to walk. In fact, I can see a point in my future when some annoying Gen Y-er will likely confuse my immaturity with Alzheimer's Disease.
"Nurse, why isn't that woman in the dementia unit?" Christina will ask.
"Oh, that's just Lou. She doesn't have dementia."
"But she's wearing wax lips!"
"She's just immature."
Christina, having significant experience working with Alzeimer's patients will remain doubtful. "Oh come on! Who in her right mind would ...wait a minute. Are those toilet paper earrings?"
"Yes. Aren't they great? Lou's always been like this. But she's sharp as a tack"
I, of course, will smile at the compliment.
Christina will circle me suspiciously.
"But why is she wearing a headband over her crotch? She's nuts. Transfer her to Ward D!"
"That's her Camel Toe cup. I think it's rather clever. It hides her camel toe."
Christina will shake her head in disgust. "Oh my God!" she will say as she looks at my legs. "I have never seen an 80 year old with such long leg hair!"
"Thank you!" I will say, proudly.
But Christina will not understand the nature of her compliment. I will actually be closer to 100.
Perhaps she's the one who should be transferred to Ward D.
Admittedly, it was the most fun I’d had in weeks. That is, until I realized that the charms were made of plastic. 
