Nerdling Fountain of Youth Strategy

I used to be concerned about growing old.

I did not want to look older.  I did not want to feel older.  I did not want to get older.  Period.

That was before I had my epiphany.  My scathingly brilliant idea related to aging. 
 
Nobody will ever be able to guess my age as I implement my Nerdling Fountain of Youth Strategy.  A technique involving no plastic surgery.  And no wacky Japanese beauty products.

I know what you're thinking.  How can you possibly accomplish such a feat?

I will simply become more immature with each successive year!

I know.  It's stinkin' genius!

I do realize, I will have a fine line to walk.  In fact, I can see a point in my future when some annoying Gen Y-er will likely confuse my immaturity with Alzheimer's Disease.

"Nurse, why isn't that woman in the dementia unit?"  Christina will ask.

"Oh, that's just Lou.  She doesn't have dementia."
"But she's wearing wax lips!"
"She's just immature."

Christina, having significant experience working with Alzeimer's patients will remain doubtful.  "Oh come on!  Who in her right mind would ...wait a minute.  Are those toilet paper earrings?"


"Yes.   Aren't they great?   Lou's always been like this.  But she's sharp as a tack"

I, of course, will smile at the compliment.

Christina will circle me suspiciously. 

"But why is she wearing a headband over her crotch?  She's nuts.  Transfer her to Ward D!"

"That's her Camel Toe cup.  I think it's rather clever.  It hides her camel toe."

Christina will shake her head in disgust.  "Oh my God!" she will say as she looks at my legs.  "I have never seen an 80 year old with such long leg hair!"

 
"Thank you!" I will say, proudly.

But Christina will not understand the nature of her compliment.   I will actually be closer to 100. 

Perhaps she's the one who should be transferred to Ward D.

Narrowing My Collection

My daughter Kimmy is going to be so excited.

 
I have completely outdone myself this time.  I have catapulted to a new pinnacle.

 

It is time for me to submit a video audition for Project Runway!  They need me.    

 
I am exactly what they are looking for.  I have the unique combination of creativity, fashion sense and personality to win the "$100,000 prize to start my own line, a fashion spread in Marie Claire magazine, a 2013 Lexus GS 350, a $50,000 technology suite by HP and Intel to create my own vision and run my business and the opportunity to design and sell an exclusive collection at Lord & Taylor."   (Now that's a mouthful!)

I'm certain my video will land me an audition, at which I must bring 5 or 6 of my garments that demonstrate my sewing skills and my fashion point of view.

Only 5 or 6?  How can I possibly narrow my collection down to 5 or 6?  Should I bring the Doggone Thong? 

My Arm Socks are certainly stylin'.  

And my Wine Holder Necklace is functional yet chic. 

Let's not forget the effective and elegant Camel Toe Cup. 
  

One thing's for sure.  I must bring Kimmy's pink shoes.

OMG!  I just had the best idea.  I am not going to tell Kimmy about her pink shoes.  What a fantastic surprise it will be for her to see them for the first time on Project Runway! 

Heidi Klum will say, "Those shoes are amazing!  What technique did you use in the design?" 

And I will demonstrate the proper blend of humility and pride as I describe purchasing the dog scrapbook paper and Mod Podge at Michaels.

 

And the process of cutting out the cute little dog pictures and mod-podging them to Kimmy's pink shoes that she forgot to take with her to Australia.

I wish I could see Kimmy's face when she sees how I transformed an ordinary pair of pink shoes into a work of art. 

Just thinking about that brings a tear to my eye. 

Of course, there are inherent risks associated with showing Kimmy's newly mod-podged dog shoes on Project Runway.  The shoes will no longer be a one of a kind item.  There will be knock-offs EVERYWHERE.

But I guess that's the price one must pay for fame.