Wax On. Wax Off.

Dave looked at me like I was nuts when I asked him if my nose hair was heavy or sparse.

"Whaddya mean?"
"Do I have a lot of nose hair?"
"I don't know."
"Look," I instructed, doing my best ballet move so that he could effortlessly look into my nose.

He asked for his reading glasses.

Rather than getting Dave his reading glasses, I sat down at the computer.  Besides, my back hurt from all that bending.

I was trying to decide whether or not to test drive a Nose Hair Waxing product.

But I'm a good consumer, and I never invest in a product, especially something as cutting edge as a nose hair waxing system, without first reading reviews.

Should I go for it?
I was nearly convinced after reviewing the first several reviews on AMAZON.COM:
- These nostrils are clean as a whistle!
- Excellent product that can be used as ear hair removal as well.
- This is simultaneously disgusting and amazing!

But then I happened upon a review written by man who called himself "Lost Out".

Mr. Out, who apparently has massive thickets of hair in his nostrils,  was clearly disappointed with his Yoffee Nose Wax Removal system.

He had previously used spinning trimmers, tiny scissors, as well as very thin disposable razors to trim his pesky nose hair.  But he was looking for a more permanent method for deforestation.  He considered plucking the hairs, but lacked the time, given his humongous hordes of hair.


Mr. Out did his homework before using his nose hair waxing product.  He read the instructions thoroughly and even watched some YouTube videos.  He chose to ignore the guy who cried in one video, labeling him a wuss. 


Mr. Out himself claimed to have a "decent tolerance for pain."


Mr. Out put the waxing compound in his microwave to melt it, and inserted the applicator stick into the melted wax.  He then stuck it into his nostril, clamped down on said nostril, and set the timer for 90 seconds.  When the timer went off, he yanked on the stick.  He whole head bobbed, but when "he gave it a good pull", the stick came out.  


Only a few nostril hairs were attached.  Leaving an entire forest behind.


Mr. Out, feeling more confident and even more determined, reheated the wax, re-inserted the stick, changing the angle, in an attempt to harvest more hair.


According to Mr. Out, his second attempt felt as if he was turning his nostril inside out.


I believe the words he used were "Holy Hell."


Mr. Out was able to remove the stick, and, upon inspection, realized that he had scored.  Big.


He was downright cocky as he moved on to his next, and final nostril.


Mr. Out reheated the wax and inserted the stick.  He decided to use a bigger blog of wax so he could clean out his nostril in one pass.


He inserted the stick into the second nostril and clasped it closed.  After 90 seconds, Mr. Out gave the stick a tug.  When he saw stars, he realized that he must have gotten a lot more hairs than in his previous two attempts.


He tugged again and felt his nose attempt to separate from his face.


And the clock was ticking.  The stick had to be removed within 30 seconds or it would never come out.  Without medical attention. 


Images of the Jaws of Life danced in his head.

I cannot possibly do justice to Mr. Out's description of his harvest from the Yoffee Nose Wax Removal system.  I'll let him tell it:


I finally pulled up my big boy panties and with about 3 or 4 eye-watering-profane-laden-pain-inducing yanks pulled that ball of malevolent compound out of my nose.  I was sure there would be a gush of blood following it out as I had surely removed actual skin and veins and other stuff with it.  But I hadn't and there wasn't.  What there was though was this villainous blob of compound that now looked like it had a full head of hair.  It looked like some bizarre circus sideshow freak or something out of a horror movie.  I could hear the barker now..."Come see the smallest full head of human hair, you won't believe it when you feast your eyes on this miniature coiffure!"


After reading Mr. Out's review I ambled over to the mirror.  I really didn't have any nasty nose hairs to speak of.  


A Nose Wax Removal System would be a complete waste of my time.

Slicing the Banana

After cutting up a banana to put on my cereal last weekend I was exhausted.  Too warn out to lift my spoon. 

So I made the decision right then and there. To invest in kitchen appliances that will make life easier for me.  Like a banana slicer.

I went right to Amazon and quickly found the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer.

The product benefits are many.  It’s faster, safer than using a knife, is dish washer safe, and great for cereal.  (Although I’m not sure how cereal fits into the contraption.) 

I still had so many questions about the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer.  Like, how, exactly, does it work with cereal?  Before investing in the appliance I did my homework, and studied the questions posted by other Amazon shoppers.  And I’m so glad I did!

There are actually hundreds of questions posted and answered.  I selected a sample of some of the most helpful. 

Q: A friend used my H571 to slice a few bananas but accidentally sliced too many. Is there any reverse mode to unslice them? The manual is not helpful. 

A: That is exactly why I hired a Hutzler 571 personal tutor. I found the manual to be too complicated to troubleshoot this sophisticated device. 

I am not going to let the inability to un-slice scare me away.  But the next question was extremely relevant for me, being a leftie:

Q: Is there a model for left-handed people? 
A: Since I am left-handed I have found that using a mirror is helpful. I tried doing it behind my back, but missed the mystery and excitement of watching the slicing.

As usual I'll have to adapt to a right handed world.
 

Q: Should I purchase the extended warranty? 
A: I did. It seems expensive on first take, but the first time you leave it in your driveway and accidentally back over it, you'll be relieved. I sure was.

I hadn't thought of that.  Or this: 

Q: I'm planning a trip to Europe. Does anyone make a 220-volt converter for the Hutzler 571? 

A: Don't bother taking it. Does not work on metric bananas. 

I guess I'll leave it home if I travel abroad.  This was my personal favorite:

Q: How much weight will the Hutzler 571 hold if used as a small ladder?
A: Once received, if you read the manual...you'll see that it clearly states "Do Not Use As Ladder".

After reading the Questions and Answers I was convinced.  I ordered my Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer.

It arrived today!  

I was shaking with excitement as I opened the package, peeled a banana and sliced it.  Without breaking a sweat.

I was THRILLED with my new appliance. It will probably extend my life by..hours!  

It was worth ever cent I invested in it.  

All $3.84.  

And I realized that my  drinking buddies might enjoy playing on my new appliance.  Which means ONE OF THE AMAZON ANSWERS WAS WRONG!

I'll have to post a correction. 

Daddle Up!

When I purchased the gift for my friend Jamie's baby shower I played it safe.  Got something they registered for.

No Nosefrida.  Or Pee-pee Teepees.

And, of course, NOW that the gift is bought and wrapped, I find the most perfect gift EVER. 

The Daddle. 

The Daddle is just what it sounds like.  A saddle for Dads so they can safely give their kids horsey back rides.  

We definitely don't want Danny to sustain any back injuries.

Being the sharp consumer that I am, I did my homework.  Read some Amazon reviews.  The first one pointed out a liability I hadn't thought of.  Better warn Danny.

"as much as i love using this with my kids, i have to remind myself that sometimes they're still on my back and i need to get them off first before i stand up. other than that it's hours of fun."

It looks like the Daddle can be educational, based on this next review:

"After wearing this, I was able to learn how to count by pounding one of my "hands" against the ground. Also, when I'm being a bit too quiet for her taste, my wife rubs some peanut butter on my gums and we have long, thoughtful conversations...of course, of course."

OMG!  It looks like one shopper put his Daddle to use on his Grandmother?
 

"The first time I saw the daddle I knew it was the perfect solution for my grandmother to get up her pesky stairs. No longer are we burdened with an expensive mobilized system for her stairs, instead, her gardener strapps on the daddle, or it our house we call it the "gradddle" and escorts her up the stairs. Only once has the graddle failed us when she couldn't quite make it to the bathroom in time. Maybe daddle should think about a waterproof version???  I would deffinately reccomend this product for aging relitives. Forget the mobilized scooter or segway's- the graddle is so much more sustainable."

I'd better warn Danny to make sure he uses his Daddle the correct way.  It looks like the instructions may not be totally clear:

"I am posting this review to warn the myriad of Dad's out there who may very well be walking into a trap; and not even realizing it.  You must be extremely careful with how you use this product, because APPARENTLY there is correct and an incorrect way to use the freakin thing. I can't tell you how many times we tried to use with the kids, and it was just whine whine whine whine... "Daddy, I can't breathe", "Daddy, you're so heavy", "please Daddy get off, you're crushing me!" I love the product - I do... but man - the name is just SO misleading!"

 

You know what?  I've read enough.  I think the Daddle is way too risky. 

 I’m going to stick with the Po-Knee.

Finding the Flawless Flask

Every now and then I would like to be able to drink wine from a straw originating from a concealed flask.  

Just for special occasions.  (Like art gallery openings, lectures, hikes, etc.)  

I could always wear my Wine Rack Sports Bra.  But unfortunately, it has a major flaw.  

It is really cold.  

And who wants cold wine pressing against her rack?  

Not me.  

I could, of course, purchase a Beerbelly, the sister (or should I say brother) product of the Wine Rack.  But it's so unattractive.

And at the risk of appearing vain, I don't want anyone thinking I could not step away from the Easter candy.

My friend Jennifer recommended the Baby Flask.  Which I loved!

But then I thought people might start gossiping.  Whose baby is that?  Did Linda have a baby?   

Or Lou?  I KNEW she was putting on weight.  I thought it was from Easter Candy.

I decided to do more research.  

I discovered the Tampon Flask, which had very positive reviews on Amazon.com: 

I love a good bloody Mary on Sunday, but sometimes the sermon in church just drags on and on and cuts into my cocktail time. That's when these little beauties come in handy. I can have my bloody and still wear my white choir robes with confidence!

But there's no straw.  And I want my flask to have a straw.

I kept looking.

The Freedom Flask showed great potential.  Until I saw how you fill your glass.

 EUUUUUU.  

I decided to go back to the Beerbelly.   So what if someone thinks I've put on a few pounds.

Unless.  

I just had the most scathingly brilliant idea.

Who needs a Beerbelly, when you can have:

The Pregbelly.

Pooping Peanuts

I wish my dog pooped jewels.  But he doesn't.  He poops poop.  Plain old poop.

Avery's dog poops jewels.  Red jewels.  Probably rubies.
 
Avery is part of the Moxie Girlz  Poopsy Pet collection.    According to the Moxie girlz website, "the pets are cute- and just like magic, they have silly poop!"

Kevin's poop is not at all silly.

As a side note, while researching the Moxie Girlz Poopsy Pets, I googled  “I poop jewels” and was disturbed delighted to discover a whole new world of jewelry made of, you guessed it, poop.

Apparently moose poop makes very attractive earrings.  As does bird poop.  And quail droppings.
 
BTW, these earrings better be produced by some crazy-ass engineering geniuses, because the ear lobe is not that far from the nose.  And I don’t know about you, but I would not want the eau-de-moose poop wafting around my face all day.  

Even if they are swank as shit.

Back to those Moxie dolls.  They don’t just poop jewels.
This animal collection is truly extraordinary.  It contains a caboodle of crap.  There’s an elephant that poops peanuts, a panda that poops bamboo shoots, a tiger that poops striped eggs, and a unicorn that poops rainbows.

Yes.  You heard right.  A unicorn that poops rainbows.

It’s almost too good to believe!

I decided to take a trip to amazon.com to  see what the reviewers had to say.

I was not disappointed.  They appear to love it! 

"This educational toy is great for teaching kids about pooping. Personally, I poop rainbow drops that feel like velvet and smell like orange sherbet, unless I eat chili, then its more like rose petal potpourri. If its just gas, then a rainbow beams out and swirls the room, wrapping itself around anyone in the room with a loving embrace."

"My life was incomplete without a rainbow-pooping unicorn amongst the many unique toys decorating my professional office. This newest conversation piece is, without question, the crème de la crème of the lot"

"Lots of poopin' fun! The only way they can top this rainbow-pooping unicorn is if they make a pet cat that poops out dead mice. Now THAT would be epic."
 
Seriously?  A cat pooping out dead mice?  

I couldn't agree less.  A cat pooping out dead mice would do absolutely nothing for me. 

Now a Pomeranian pooping tampons?

  
That, my dear readers,  would be legendary.

The Horny Cat

Damn Dave.  Allergic to cats.   I really want one. 

So I can dress it up in an Inflatable Unicorn Hat.  Check it out!  It's stinkin' amazing. 

And it’s high quality.  I can tell.   "It holds via a four point elastic strap system."  That thing will stay put.

OMG.  I just had a scathingly brilliant idea. 

I should get one for my boss!  She has a cat.  

I just hope she doesn't confuse my generosity with sucking up.

But it could be risky.  What if her cat doesn't like it?  The cat on the box looks happy enough, but the one in the front looks a wee bit angry. 

Or humiliated.

Impossible to tell.   I decided to check out the reviews. 

There were lots of positive ones:

"I got this unicorn horn for Louis my cat. I went to clear out his litter box later that day. Instead of the usually smelly turds, I found miniature rainbows and stars!"

"Yes it's true! This unicorn horn is amazing. I only put it on my cat for special occasions. It's power is almost too much power for one cat to handle."

"This is an excellent purchase for anyone who has failed to find love amongst their own species. I bought 12."

Still, there were a couple of red flags:

"Please only use with declawed cats and a cat-muzzle."

"To our human staff member: Attempt to put this on our heads and we will shred your hands. We are cats, not stupid dogs. Hear us and obey." 

Then I saw this one.

"Found out if you fill it with water and freeze it, it's sharp enough to kill your spouse with. Allegedly."

I decided NOT to get an Inflatable Unicorn Hat for Cathy after reading this review:

"Three weeks after receiving this product, my cat was killed and eaten by a dog wearing an inflatable Voldemort costume. I want my money back."

Yeah, I like my job too much.

But then I read this:

"This is the coolest thing ever. Dreams do come true. It also works on dogs. Props to the originator of this product."

Kevin.  Come out from under the ping-pong table!

I have the most scathingly brilliant idea!