Test Driving the Wine Rack

As I prepared to take my dog Kevin for a walk this morning in the sweltering heat it occurred to me that my recent "Wine Rack" purchase might make the walk more enjoyable. For those of you not familiar with this item, the Wine Rack is a drink dispensing sports bra that is advertised to increase your bust line by 2 cup sizes. 

My Wine Rack arrived in the mail earlier this week in an innocuous brown envelope containing a sports bra and a plastic canteen with a long tube (straw) attached. At the end of the tube is a twist-top to be used to open and close the straw. It came with no directions (or warning labels).

I had been waiting for just the right time to test drive it. Since it was 10:00 in the morning, I decided to pilot my Wine Rack using Diet Coke, rather than wine. 

So, I filled the plastic boob shaped canteen with Diet Coke. "This is fabulous!", I thought. "How easy can you get?"

Next I put the sports bra on and attempted to situate the Diet Coke-filled falsies in place. 

Then came my first ah-ha. It would probably be more natural looking (and feeling), if I hadn't filled them to the tip-top.

My second ah-ha followed. Chilled beverages really cooled down my rack. 

I looked a little unnatural, but I wasn't planning to leave the house in just my Wine Rack. I pulled a t-shirt over my head and strung the drinking tube through my sleeve. I looked in the mirror and nodded my approval. I was definitely looking hot.

Then I untwisted the twist-top to take a sip of my Diet Coke. 

It was like a fire hydrant going off in my mouth. I raced to the bathroom sink as fast as I could, further shaking up the bottles, as Diet Coke squirted out of my nose, my ears and my eyeballs. It was like taking a shower in Diet Coke. 

Third ah-ha: the Wine Rack is not appropriate for drinking carbonated beverages. Especially when filled to the tip-top and shaken up. (I can only imagine what would have happened if I had been practicing my pogo-stick/jump rope trick at the time). 

In the end, I was completely covered in Diet Coke. Apparently Kevin was embarrassed by the scene I caused and refused to go on a walk with me. 

To hell with him.  I sat on the porch and finished my drink.  It was too hot to walk the dog anyhow.