Friday, February 4, 2011

Squirrel Envy

I know. It's wrong of me. But I can't help it. 

Whenever I hear about something unusual, outlandish, or downright disgusting happening to someone I think, "Damn! I wish that would have happened to me! It would have made a good blog!"

That's exactly what went through my head when my sister-in-law Maureen told me about the excitement in her living room last weekend. I mean, it was gaggingly disgusting. Perfect for my blog. Why didn't that happen to me?

But then again, would I really want to have a.......

Well, let's let Maureen tell the story:

I was straightening up the living room, turning off lights. I stood up and thought, what is that on the floor by the stereo closet? It looked like a crumpled up shirt so I go over and turn on the light and see, that lying on the floor in front of the door - I'm not kidding it was like 18" long from end to end - it was a DEAD SQUIRREL!!!!!!!! On the floor of my LIVING ROOM!!.

Maureen's dog Thompson brought the trophy home. I looked at Kevin with disgust. All he ever brings me is dirty socks. Dirty socks do not make a good blog.

Back to Maureen:

Do I need to describe the running out of the room, screaming to Tom, and locking myself in the bathroom that followed that discovery? I mean, what the FUDGEBALLS!

If I found an 18" dead squirrel in my family room, I would have had the same reaction.  (I probably wouldn't have said "fudgeballs".)

Brave, brave, Tom cleaned it up - he had it on the dustpan thing and he's like, where should I put it? I didn't have any problem telling him to throw it out in the street! I'm sure Thompson thought he had brought us a nice little prize, and I don't even want to think for one minute, about what it might have been like in a few days (BARF!) or to walk over and see Thompson playing with it!! Holy Shitballs, Batman - Holy Shitballs.

I talked to Maureen about being my guest blogger and how she had to bring poor dead Rocky back into the living room, re-enact the scene and take pictures. Can you believe that she refused to do that? I mean, what kind of blogger does she think she is?

So I did some searching and found the perfect photo for her, but Maureen told me that her squirrel "looked much deader than him". 

You know what I said? "If your squirrel looked that much deader than him, then go out to the gutter and take a stinkin' picture of him for my blog!"

Again, she refused.  Stupid rookie blogger. 

Maybe someday Kevin will bring me a dead squirrel so I can blog about it. When that day comes, I promise I will take a real picture for my readers.

In the meantime, this is the best I can do.

1 comment:

  1. I remeber one time while Dad and I were out doing something,,Evelyn was sleeping onthe couch when a ruckus broke out on top of her. There apon her was our cat Stink and a squirl fighting it out on top of her. So what did she do? She threw a blanket over the raging squirl and instead of opening the front door and releasing it to the out side world, She draged it through the kitchen and pitched it into the bathroom. When I returned she was still quite shaken but at least knew she had the critter trapped in the rest room. Now this was during the winter time and we had placed plasic over the windows to save money on our gass bills. I could hear that squirle tearing apart every thing in it;s confined area,running back and forth accross the shower curtain rod and breaking all kinds of crap. He sounded in a fiesty mood and for 1 thing i didn;t want to get bitten by 1 pissed off squirel. So I doubled up all my clothing. put a welding shield over my face and gor a heavey duty pair of gloves and a hockey stick, sent Evelyn up stairs and closed all the doors except the front door where she shold have tossed the critter out of in the first place. Took a deep breath and entered the room. Now mr. squirel had chewed a hole in the plastic on the window and was confinded even more that seem to really make him more aggressive, I poked a exit path into the plastic and off he went so fast i didn't quite see what direction he took. after closer investigation of the scattered tracks in the snow on my porch I believe my plan worked. Evelyn got to clean up the mess in the bathroom and i stood guard drinking beer as sentry.