The Slim Jim

"Mom, you know how your nose is connected to your mouth?" 

I had no clue where this question was headed.

"Yeah..." I said cautiously.

"Because I was eating a Slim Jim and it..." 

I put my hands over my ears and started singing, "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA"

But Linda was relentless.  "Mom!  I have a Slim Jim up my nose.  And it's spicy."

How do you help a teenager with a Slim Jim stuck up her nose?  Just looking at a Slim Jim turns my stomach.  The thought of one in her nose made me wretch.

"Have you tried blowing your nose?" I suggested, feebly.

"Mom!  It's too big to come out!" she insisted.  "And it's burning me.  Help!"

As an aside, I'm no stinkin' ENT, but I am pretty good at math.  And angles.  

And for the life of me, I cannot figure out how that Slim Jim could have made what is nearly a U-turn at Linda's Uvula to end up in her nose. 

And look at the size of that passageway from the Uvula to the nasal cavity.  It's a good thing Jim was slim.  (Sorry. Couldn't resist)
  
I decided to consult the experts.  Yahoo Answers usually has good medical advice.   

Q.  "While I was eating someone made me laugh and food got stuck in my nose, OMG its been in there for a long time it's like right at the top of my nose. OMG please help I'm really worried!"

The first suggestion was not helpful:

"i think the nose is somehow connected thru the throat.. if you know it's there try to blow your nose. since it doesn't work..uh.. sniff and swallow? it might come out of ur mouth or just go to ur stomach lol no biggie? think of it as...snot.."

The second suggestion simply gave me the creeps :

"If it is possible you could use tweezers"

And the third was suggested by someone who clearly considered himself a comedian.

"Use a vacuum cleaner"

However, that recommendation stimulated an amazing nerdling epiphany.  I had the perfect solution to Linda's problem.  Nearly at my fingertips.

It was packed away in my blog bucket: 

My Nosefrida.  If it worked on an infant, it would certainly work on Linda!

I ran to Linda's bedroom, "Here I come to save the day," I sang, sounding exactly like Super Man.

Then, switching tunes, "I'm gonna suck that Slim Jim right out of your nose." I waved my Nosefrida and proceeded to dance as if I were shampooing my hair on a beach in the South Pacific.

Linda looked at me as if I'd grown a second head.  "I hacked it out already," she said. 

"Seriously?"  I was awash with disappointment.   Until I had a desperate scathingly brilliant  idea.

"Perhaps you some left-over noogies I can help you with?"  I offered.

Yeah, We've Got Trouble!

At the risk of sounding like a prude, please make this product go away.

I want Kevin to be happy. I really do! He's got toys in every room of my house. But he does not need one of these.

As my readers my know, I'm a big fan of musical theater. And one of my favorite musicals is "The Music Man". And one of my favorite songs from the show is "Ya Got Trouble", sung by con man Professor Harold Hill, as he convinces the River City, Iowa parents that their new pool table will be a corrupting influence on the boys in their town.

Well, this product is trouble!

With a capital T and that rhymes with D and that stands for

Doggie Lover Doll.

Yep.  Doggie Lover Doll is an "adult" toy for dogs.

This product will undoubtedly corrupt sweet, innocent little Kevin!  

He'd become a Puppy Pervert in the blink of an eye. Before you know it, he'd start hiding "those" magazines under his doggie bed. He'd sneak out of the house late at night to go to doggie strip clubs.

He'd watch Lady and the Tramp without my permission!

I must warn those faint of heart to stop reading this now, as I describe the Doggie Lover Doll in greater detail.

Seriously.  Are you sure you want to keep reading?

The doll is described by the company as “a female canine manufactured in soft rubber with a silicone vagina and an easy to clean reservoir.”

Easy to clean reservoir?  Excuse me. I have to go take a shower.

The product also comes with a tube of water-based intimate lubricant, to increase the usefulness of the doll. It is available in three sizes: small, medium and large, to satisfy all breeds.

Excuse me, again. I have to vomit. And take another shower.

And I thought the Nosefrida Snot Sucker was disgusting.

Yeah, we've got trouble. 

With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Puppy Porn. 

Stimulating Snot

Raise your hand if you've ever used a bulb syringe. For those uninformed about this diaper bag must, it's a cross between a turkey baster and an eye dropper. It is used to get nasty noogies out of newborn noses.

There are 3 simple steps to bulb syringing: squeeze syringe, insert into nostril, release pressure on syringe. Theoretically, the nasal mucus makes its way from the baby's nostril into the blue snot warehouse.

Of course, in my house the bulb syringe process was much more complicated, involving upwards of 5 steps and 2 adults. It's been a while, but I recall a few of the steps: hide the syringe from the baby, hold the baby's head still, remove your hair from the baby's fingers, sit on the baby's hands, remove your finger from the baby's mouth. You get the point.

I recently heard about a new tool, developed by the Swedes, which accomplishes the same objective, using a rather unique approach. They have developed a tool which allows parents to suck the snot out of their infants' noses...with a straw!

Yes, introducing the Nosefrida Snot Sucker Nose Nasal Aspirator. According to their web site, it is a "15 inch clear plastic tube that extends from a nasal nozzle, allowing the parent to use their own suction to draw mucus out of their child's nose."

I know what you're thinking. I thought the same thing. What is stopping the snot from making it into my mouth? (I mean, there's an easier, more direct way to eat noogies, if that's your thing.) Apparently, the Nosefrida comes with a hygiene filter that prevents mucus transfer from child to user.

Wow! Not that's cool. I wanted a Nosefrida Snot Sucker of my own. So I bought one today at BuyBuyBaby on Harbison! All I needed was a baby to test it on.

But my baby (Linda) is 16 years old now. She said, "NO WAY, MOM! See you later".

I had to find a baby. I could go to the mall! I usually see a lot of babies in the mall. I should be able to find one with a runny nose in the food court. But I was a little nervous about that hygiene filter. (It's one thing using it on my flesh and blood, but a mall baby?)

Then the light bulb went off: Plan C! I could use it on myself! Only one problem. I had no noogies. And how do you stimulate snot?

Which gets me to the topic of this blog. I've tried all day to accumulate sufficient snot in my nose. The funny things is, I blow my nose ALL DAY LONG every day. You'd think if I stopped blowing it, I'd have some accumulation, right? 

Empty.

But that didn't stop me from test driving it. (As you can see, Kevin was intrigued.)

And I believe it works.

When I first got home from BuyBuyBaby with my Nosefrida I ran in the house and screamed, "Dave!  Guess what!  I'm testing the most disgusting product ever!"

I gave him the box to see for himself.

"What's disgusting is that you spent $17 on this."

And he's right, of course. Now that I have a Nosefrieda, I realize how easy it would be to make my own.  I could use my Silly Straw Eyeglasses. 

And it would be a lot more fun to use.