The Folds

When I first heard about the widespread outbreak of Nasolabial Folds in today's society I was distraught. 

Admittedly, I had no early earthly idea what Nasolabial Folds were.  Or even where they could be found.  If I were to guess, I would say they would best be treated by a Gynecologist.

A Google search taught me that Nasolabial Folds are smile lines, similar to those sported by the Cowardly Lion.  Thankfully, I don’t have Nasolabial Folds.  

At least I didn’t think I did. 

I went to the bathroom mirror, just to be certain.  Whew.  No Naslolabial Folds to be found.

Then, just for grins, I put on my reading glasses. 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

My face shows the beginning of Nasolabial Folds.  Which would not be a problem if everyone I hung out with had eyesight like mine. 

But they don’t.

Thank God for the newest product on the Japan Trend Shop web site: Houreisen Tsumamin Smile Lines Clip Nasolabial Fold Cheek Anti-aging Exercise Tool.  

According to the product description, all I have to do is fit this contraption onto my upper lip and wear it for 10 minutes a day!

That's amazing!

No more Cowardly Lion for me! 

Except it costs $70 plus shipping.  

Now, I do recognize that the Houreisen Tsumamin Smile Lines Clip probably costs way less than plastic surgery, but $70 for a binder clip is a lot of money.

To that end, I decided to make my own Nerdling Smile Lines Clip.

 Oh... about those binder clips?  I have one word.   

Ouch. 
 
So off I went to the Dollar Store in search of the perfect Nerdling Smile Lines Clip.

I test drove an assortment of chip clips.  I was quite disappointed when the Lip Chip Clip didn’t work.

 That would have been serendipitous.  Actually, more like serenlipitous.   

Sorry, couldn’t resist.

At the risk of being considered myopic in my lip clip engineering, I also test drove some hair clips and discovered that there is actually something more painful than a binder clip on your lip.

I finally arrived at the perfect Nerdling Smile Lines Clip.

And I'm happy to report that after 10 minutes, my Nasolabial Folds were completely gone. 

  
But unfortunately, they migrated to my lips.

Preventing Mold

Am I the only one who gets creeped out by people who save their kids' baby teeth as some kind of sick keepsake? 

Ick.

But you know what's worse than saving your kids' teeth?

Saving your cat's teeth.  And storing them in a special box that's for sale on the Japan Trend Shop web site.  

The Cat Milk Tooth Storage Box was uniquely designed for storing your cat's baby teeth and KEEPING OUT MOLD. I didn't even know that teeth could mold.

OMG. I'm going to barf.  

Seriously.

But you know what's worse than saving your cat's teeth? 

Saving your cat's whiskers.  And storing them in a special box that's for sale on the Japan Trend Shop web site.

The Be-Glad Cat Whiskers Case has been specifically developed for storing whiskers and "is the ideal size for long cat beards". (suppress urge to gag).

Its snug lid will keep out mold and humidity.

Apparently whiskers can mold, too?

I feel the need to take a long, hot shower. 

I did a bit of research on this whole cat whisker collecting thing and was surprised to find a Facebook community for cat whisker collectors. 

Here's a post from one collector who was very happy to find a whisker from Mister Thundercheese in her bed.

Isn't that special?

And I also learned that the world record for the largest cat whisker collection is held by Karen Judkis of New Jersey, who has 1,261 whiskers.  

I think Karen may need at least 2 or maybe even 3 Be-Glad Cat Whisker Cases to store her collection. 

But you know what?  To each his own.  I mean who am I to judge others?

Besides...

It could be worse.

Enough is Enough!

I get it.  Successful businesses extend product lines in order to increase sales to existing customers.   

But I really think the fine folks at Thunderworks should stop with their innovation of pet anxiety sportswear. 
 
Thunderwork's signature product is the Thundershirt, a shirt that swaddles dogs and reduces their anxiety in the wake of thunder or fireworks.  Kevin has the original gray Thundershirt and it appears to work effectively.

Thundershirts come in a variety of attractive colors, including blue, green, holiday red, pink, and "camo".

They also sell the Thundersweater and a fashionable khaki trench coat, the Thunderjacket, which is worn over the Thundershirt and would be appropriate for a trip to London.

 
Also available on the Thunderworks web site is the Thunderleash, which basically ties a belt around the dog’s middle, allowing the owner to apply pressure in case the dog starts to pull.

But there’s more.   


Thunderworks now offers Thundershirts for cats.  

Now, I don’t personally own a cat, but I know enough about them to recognize that I would have to put on my own Thundershirt before attempting to put one on a cat.

I think the good folks at Thundershirt should have stopped there.

But they didn’t.

They came up with the Thundercap.

According to the product description, the Thundercap reduces visual stimuli and helps the dog remain comfortable, overcome his fearfulness and increase confidence.  

STOP IT RIGHT NOW, THUNDERWORKS!

WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE PET ANXIETY PRODUCTS!

Perhaps they should sell the Thundercap and Thunderhandcuffs as a package deal.   

In all seriousness, it's time for the Thunderwear marketing team to move past the pet anxiety category.   Clearly they are running out of good ideas. 

It's time to advance into other sectors of the pet market, such as the pet bowel control sportswear category. 

I think the Thunderpootrap would be a big seller for them.   
 

Besides, it would be much more profitable than the Thundershirt for hamsters.

Test Driving the Asymmetrical Man Thong

The first thing that went through my head when Jamie sent me the link to the Asymmetrical Man Thong, besides the obvious -I hope I don’t have nightmares- was gravity.

How does that thing stay on?

I studied the pictures.  I didn’t see any Velcro.  Or duct tape. 

I further examined the photos.  It kind of reminded me of a Nerdling Camel-Toe Protector, angled at 45 degrees.

It was clear, that I would have to build a prototype in order to completely understand the engineering behind the Asymmetrical Man Thong .  

But who would I get to test drive it?  (Dave said NO before I got the words out of my mouth.)

I could do it myself, but I don’t have…well… the necessary equipment.

Unless I also built prototype junk.  

That’s easy! All I needed was my Pinocchio nose and a sock.  
 
But I still needed to design my Man Thong.  

As I further reviewed the photos I realized that pouch was not unlike a bra cup.  To that end, I decided to sacrifice my pink Ahh-Bra for the Asymmetrical Man Thong prototype. 

Your welcome.

I developed my hypotheses:

Too bad Linda’s done with high school.  This would have made an excellent science fair project.

Drum roll.  

Unfortunately, I had to reject the null hypothesis since my Nerdling Asymmetrical Man Thong kept slipping off my man junk.

That’s when I noticed the reviews on Amazon.com.  After all that work developing the prototypes, the answers had been right in front of my face.

DONT FIT LIKE IT LOOKS LIKE. THE "PAKAGE" SPACE IS TOO SMALL AND IT MOVE WHEN YOU WALK . IN OTHER HAND YOU CAN USE IT FOR A JACUZZY

it is comfortable you doo need cheeks to hold it on .I have no problem wearing it. it feels good both ends

It just plain doesn't stay on. Walk a few feet and down your leg it comes. Total waste of money.

You know what?  It's all good! For a few minutes I knew exactly what it was like to be a man.

And, truth be told, I'm glad I don't have to worry about all that junk.

Napping with Dignity

I don't get it!

The Japanese are usually 5 steps ahead of us when it comes to product innovation.  

But somebody dropped the ball on this one. 
 
My Dome Pal Travel Sleeping Hood helps people catch up on shut-eye in public.  It is apparently quite effective at masking the embarrassing mouth dribble and jaw drop that accompanies most people who sleep sitting up.

I said "most people".  That has never happened to me.
 
With due apologies to any of my readers who lisp, does anyone besides me see a serious safety issue with this thingamajig?  Such as suffocation? 

I don't know about you, but I like to wake up from my public naps with as many brain cells as I had when I first closed my eyes.

Then there's the aesthetics. 

The My Dome Pal Travel Sleeping Hood comes in 4 colors: green, gray, pink, and purple.

Yawn.

What would you rather be sporting while taking a public nap?  A green, gray, pink, or purple bag over your head...
 
Or a Snazzy Napper?
 

The Snazzy Napper is much more fashion forward.  That sheep wearing sunglasses is stinkin' adorable.  

And the Snazzy Napper is functional!  It actually has slot for you to breathe!   There is no way that woman will die of suffocation while wearing her Snazzy Napper.  (She may die in a car accident, but she will not asphyxiate.)

If aesthetics and safety aren't enough to convince you, the price might.  The My Dome Pal Travel Sleeping Hood sells on the Japan Trend Shop Web site for $70 plus shipping and handling . The Snazzy Napper is a fraction of that cost ($14.99).

Or, you could get the Nerdling Dome Pal Travel Sleeping Hood for just $9.99.  

Complete with breathing window. 

iPood

You may have noticed a new, more mature Nerdling in 2014.  Whereas, 22.8% of my 2014 posts were of the "potty humor" variety, it has been 5 months since I've blogged about toilets.

I have not written one word about urinals... or GoGirls...or Stool Stools... or Bumper Dumpers in 2014.  

That's good, for me.

Being a more sophisticated and cultivated writer allows me to tackle pressing social and economic issues.  And write about, say, new  technological innovations available to today's toddlers. 

Like the CTA Digital 2-in-1 iPotty with Activity Seat for iPad.

I'm just so disappointed that my children are already potty trained.  

I can just imagine Kimmy and Linda sitting on their iPotty's.  

(BTW, I would recommend unsnapping that onesie before attempting to use the iPotty)

I checked out the iPotty on Amazon.com and it is very reasonably priced.  You can get this ingenious device for under $35! 

And the reviews were A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. 

"I know when my 1 year old is in endless business meetings throughout the day, he will now be able to still access all those data management programs and have that report on his kindergarten teachers desk first thing Monday morning. And I can reach him on Skype to make sure he got his power nap too."

"Thank you for this!  Finally! It's so much easier to teach children to drop the electronics in the toidy when they don't have to stand on tippytoes." 

It sounds like they may be coming out with an iPotty 2, based on this review:  

"I can't wait to see the new model to include the feeding tube and buckle strap. I won't ever have to interact with my child ever again."

Clearly, this product is a winner among parents: 

"I was really struggling to find a way to rot my child's brain more comprehensively. DVD player at the dinner table, Movies in the car, iPad on our flight, but I never could figure out how to fill the bathroom time with mindless distraction. Thanks iPotty. Now I don't have to talk to my kids at all!" 

"Not enough fecal bacteria on your iPad? Try this! It will really, really work."   

Not all of the reviews were stellar.  

"This item is ludicrous! I open it up and the thing is tiny. It's like they made it for children! Beware potential overflow."  

OMG.  Did he really think he could fit his man body on that iPotty?  What was he thinking?  

He should come to me for his toilet needs.  For, you see, I have the perfect product for him. 

The CTA Digital Pedistal Stand for iPad 2/3/4 with Roll Holder.  And its reviews are not too shabby, either:

"iPad'd, iPoo'd, iWiped. This product is a god sent for those who play their own "Game of Thrones" for hours on end."

Translating the Bark

I believe that Kevin and I are on the same wave length most of the time. 

When he drops his ball at my feet and barks up at me, I feel relatively confident that he's saying, "Hey!  Throw the ball!  I want to run after it!" 

But what if he's saying, "This ball smells like cat poop.  Can you stick it in the dishwasher?"

There's really only one way to tell for sure.   I need a Bow-lingual Dog Voice Translator.

I discovered the Bow-lingual Dog Voice Translator on the Japan Trend Shop Web site and it appears to be the perfect solution to my conundrum!

Except the Bow-lingual Dog Voice Translator would translate Kevin's voice into Japanese.  And I don't speak Japanese.   

Translating from Dog to Japanese to English would be way too much work for me.  And beyond my capabilities.

Unless...

I could find an English version of the Bow-lingual Dog Voice Translator. I checked Amazon.com and, SCORE!

Except, when I read the product review I realized...   

There is a genuine risk to learning what your dog is actually saying.

 In fact, one reviewer learned that his dog was making fun of him.

"Every time he barks he is saying something that mocks me! He makes fun of my weight, the way I dress, even the way I cook. He has such foul language too! I did not know a dog could cuss like that!"

I looked down at Kevin. 

"You like me don't you, Kevin?  You would never make fun of me, would you?"
 

He barked, as if to say, "Of course, I love you!"  

Or maybe, "You look ridiculous in that outfit.  And you can't carry a tune in a bucket, you #&%$$@ nerd."

Do I really want to know the truth?  Maybe I'd be better off ignorant.  I began to have doubts.

I sat down on the floor and looked Kevin directly in the eye and began to pet him.  "Be honest with me, Kevin.  You like me, right?"



He wagged his tail. 

For crying out loud!  How could I question Kevin's love for me?  He is the sweetest dog in the world.  

He wagged his tail some more and began to lick my hand enthusiastically. 

"Oh, Kevin, how could I doubt you?"

He gave a cute little bark, as if to say, "Silly Lou.  Of course I love you!"

Or maybe...

 "Your hand smells like your turkey sandwich.  Is there any left in the fridge?"