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I'm really no different than other parents. I just want best for my kids.
I want Kevin to have all the advantages he needs to succeed in life.
Sure, he has a lot of toys and is well dressed. But he really hasn't been involved in the arts since his starring role in Anything Goes.
I worry about his lack of intellectual stimulation.
I suppose I should be placated by his focus. He does have incredible stamina. (God knows his sisters couldn't stay on task for half as long Kevin when it comes to chasing balls.)
But aside from dropping Busy Bones on the floor, squeaking his ball, and barking at cats, birds and squirrels, Kevin really has no hobbies.
Research has found that kids who have a hobby are generally healthier, both emotionally and physically, than those whose main activities include watching TV and playing video games. And squeaking toy balls.
To that end, I decided to teach Kevin how to play the piano.
He approached the piano with curiosity, carefully studying the music. I gave him a quick lesson in music theory. We started out with O Sole Mio, in the key of C.
He listened intently as I explained the time signature, and how quarter notes get one beat.
And he began to play!
Sure, he missed a couple notes, but it really wasn't bad for his first attempt.
In fact, at the risk of sounding like one of "those" parents, I think he's rather gifted.
Leaves of three. Let it be?
Are you stinkin' kidding me? Leaves of three, get the hell out of there. As in Run, Forrest run!
Did I run? No. I just kept pulling those vines off the shrubs in our back ’40.
Why? Agricultural arrogance.
I thought that just because I could grow tomatoes, I was a horticultural prodigy.
It is true that my tomato plants, of which I am inordinately proud, are ready to audition for the part of Audrey 2 in Little Shop of Horrors.
But who am I kidding? I’m not ready for the 4-H. I’m Green Acres' Lisa. A failure at farming.
I don’t know my grass poison ivy from a hole in the ground. In fact I created the hole in the ground by pulling out the poison ivy.
I'm hanging up my overalls.
Ya know what? I had another moment of self realization as a result of my poison ivy outbreak.
I rest my chin in my hands. A lot.
And I apparently rested my chin in my hands a lot after weeding those damn leaves of three.
Because Poison Ivy has infiltrated my neck and chin. And it itches like there is no stinkin’ tomorrow.
Just writing about it makes me want to itch it.
But I can’t. Because if I scratch it, it gets itchier.
And it spreads. It’s already made its way up my cheeks.
Does anyone have any sandpaper I can borrow????
OMG. It's headed towards my brain!!!!!
Nevermind.
I just found a homemade poison ivy remedy online! I'm sure it's going to cure all.
It's made from scratch.
When I saw my bother's Facebook post I decided to ask him to be my guest blogger.
Of course, he agreed. How could he not?
But when I asked him rather politely to take some photos to accompany the blog, he tuned all diva on me. Something about having to check with his agent.
At the risk of turning this into a big Khardishian brouhaha, I took the bulls by the horn, so to speak, and staged the photos myself.
(You're welcome, Tom.)
So here goes....
You know how sometimes you
try to change your routine to spice up your life a bit? Maybe put
orange rinds in your cottage cheese, or hide some bb's in your ice cream
just for texture?
One summer I went completely nuts and decided to have an intra-personal fingernail growing contest, just to see which index finger grew a faster and hardier nail. You'll never guess which one came out ahead and I'll never tell.
Well, today I decided to go off the charts and reverse the order in getting dressed.
Lemme splain.
For years I have stepped into my underwears left leg first, etc. Today I decided to put my right foot first.
You'd think I had bumped the earth off its axis. I couldn't do it. I kept falling down.
Finally I sat on a chair and got er done. Then I realized I had put them on backwards, so the vent was facing the outback, and the front was just plain cloth.
I'm one of those guys who doesn't use the vent anyway, but the underwears felt weird facing the wrong direction, so decided to start over and reinsert myself into the underwears.
When I put them on rightside frontwards, I mindlessly went back to the old pattern. Left leg first, and it went just as smooth as you can imagine.
So tomorrow I recommend you try to put your underwears on in the reverse order and let me know if you fall down, or what. Thank you. I will report your findings to the universe.
I have a confession to make here. I strongly adhere to the practice of transparency in journalism. If I lose my readers' trust, I am nothing but a nerdling blogger.
My brother Tom is pictured in only one of the three photos in this blog.
Angelina Jolie posed for the bottom two.
OK, Ladies. Listen up. How would you like to have your own personal breast sculptor? If so, I have the perfect product for you.
The Breast Gymnastics Hand Massager.
It is truly an amazing innovation, brought to you by, you guessed it, the Japan Trend Shop.
The Breast Gymnastics Hand Massager is shaped like a lady's hand. But not just any lady! Takiko Shindo!
Can you believe it! Takiko Shindo! THE Takiko Shindo!
OK, I realize that not all of you are up on Japanese superstars. Takiko Shindo is a celebrity midwife from Japan! Those crazy Japanese just can't get enough of her.
According to the product description, "The Breast Gymnastics Hand Massager is special massager to help shape and tone your bust into a better form. If you agonize about a sagging bust, don't worry. You are not alone!"
(It's so good to know I'm not the only one agonizing about my sagging bust.)
The Breast Gymnastics Hand Massager cost $45 plus shipping and handling. OMG! That's nine bucks a finger!
Being a cheapskate an entrepreneur, I decide to explore other options. And I'm happy to report that I found a Breast Gymnastics Hand Massager at the Dollar Store for only $1.00.
And it had 10 fingers!
It's pretty easy to operate.
And fun, too!
OMG! The results are amazing.
And guess what else!
My Nerdling Breast Gymnastics Hand Massager can be re-purposed.
It makes an excellent pasta spoon.
It's not every day that someone special comes into your life. One who really understands you. I think Chris and I will be life-long friends.
Chris and I met online. It's not what you think. No dating site or sketchy chat room. I needed help and he was there for me.
I was frustrated at the time we met. My virus protection software had expired and my laptop had a fever.
And Chris read my mind. His Norton protection chat button appeared out of nowhere on my screen. I clicked the button. Chris immediately responded. What a sweetheart.
Chris: Wait! If you want protection without spending too much, CLICK HERE and choose the product that best fits your needs. Norton's product offer full protection at low prices.
Lou: I have ads coming from every direction on my laptop. Will this package get rid of that?
Chris: This is a great time to get maximum protection and upgrade to Norton 360 Mulit-Device, the ultimate protection for your devices: Macs, PCs, Androids, smartphones and tablets. I'm authorized to give you an EXTRA 40% discount today.
Lou: Chris, did you read my question?
Chris: Yes
Chris: Norton 360 Multi-device for Maximum protection is being Discounted $40 today only. The price is just $59.99 so it's a great time to buy.
Lou: That does not answer my question, Chris.
Chris: Sorry, but I'm a virtual agent and not live. CLICK HERE and then select "contact us" if you need a specific answer.
Lou: So you're like a male Siri?
Chris: Sorry I didn't understand. If you need to protect your devices I suggest you CLICK HERE. We compare features and prices on a single page so you can make the right choice.
Lou: Is it OK if I blog about you Chris?
Chris: You've made a great choice. Norton is the leader in protecting all of your devices from today's internet threats.
Lou: Chris, you kind of remind me of Nath from Snapfish. Except he was real.
Chris: Yes.
Uh-oh. Maybe I hurt Chris' feelings. How very insensitive of me.
Lou: Do you ever wish you were real Chris?
Chris: I'm sorry I can't help. If you want to be sure you are getting the best protection Norton can offer, CLICK HERE and take advantage of a 40% Discount today.
Lou: Have you ever planted a garden? I'm planting tomatoes.
Chris: I'm sorry I can't help. If you want to be sure you are getting the best protection Norton can offer, CLICK HERE and take advantage of a 40% Discount today.
Lou: Chris, you are starting to repeat yourself.
Chris: Yes
Lou: Would Norton 360 Multi-Device protect my tomatoes from insects?
Chris: In addition to award winning antivirus and malware protection, Norton 360 Multi-Device is the ultimate protection for all your devices: Macs, PCs, Android, smartphones and tablets.
Lou: Wow, Chris!
Chris: yes
Lou: Have a good day, Chris. I have to go plant my tomatoes.
Chris: Thank you. You too!
What a great guy. And such a good listener.
Too bad I'm already taken.
I was all set to purchase the Pet Sweep Animal Powered Debris Removal System on Amazon.com when I discovered that it was nothing but a prank. There it was, in black and white: "Gift box appears to contain ridiculous products from clueless companies."
I was so disappointed. What does that mean: "ridiculous product"? Am I the only one who sees the the value in an animal powered debris removal system?
Plus, I'm so sick and tired of lazy ass Kevin leaving his toys all around the house. Not to mention his shedding! I would love to put him to work.
I turned off my computer, trying my best to contain my disappointment. I walked through the family room, littered with dog toys and white hair, nearly despondent.
As I tripped over Kevin's Busy Bone I had an epiphany. I am Lou Clyde! I can make my own Pet Sweep Animal Powered Debris Removal System!
I headed out to the Dollar Store.
For just $2.00, I picked up all the materials I needed: 2 pair of infant socks (since he has 4 feet) and a hand mop. It took just minutes to disassemble the mop, cut it into 4 pieces, and sew the pieces to the socks.
And they fit perfectly!
Kevin has been reluctantly cleaning the house for hours (although he doesn't complain nearly as much as Linda). And he's way faster.
He's not done yet. I have more for him to do.
He's got to get busy with the windows.
I was absolutely thrilled when I discovered the Shiridashi Butt Reveal Underwear on the Japan Trend Shop Web site.
Because I have the perfect venue to model Butt Reveal Underwear: the 2014 Color the Arts Fundraiser. Everyone who is anyone will be there. I can snob-nob with the rich and famous in Columbia, duping them into believing that my pants have been ripped and my cheeks are on display for all the world to see. And that I am too obtuse - or drunk - to notice.
Last year I wore my home-made neck tie dress to the event and it was a huge hit.
I will make an even bigger splash this year modelling my Butt Reveal Underwear!
But the Butt Reveal Underwear is a bit pricy ($60 plus shipping and handling). Way out of my blog budget. Ordinarily, this is not a problem for me, considering my plethora of creative genius.
I'm embarrassed to admit that, despite my God given talents, I was unable to replicate the product.
My Butt Reveal Underwear looked fake.
Truth be told, my Nerdling Butt Reveal Underwear looked like a pair of panties sitting on top of a pair of shorts.
I felt like a failure.
Maybe it was time to hang up my pen. Stop blogging. I mean, if I can't even create a stinkin' pair of Butt Reveal Underwear, what good am I?
Then I noticed a Facebook message from my friend Chris. It was serendipitous.
"When I see weird products, I think of you? Is that disturbing?"
No, Chris. It is sweet. Because you know what? Chris' blog topic suggestion was exactly what I needed. Chris introduced me to the Butt Towel.
By the way: the Butt Towel was way easier to make than Butt Reveal Underwear.
And you know what? I will make even more of a splash wearing my Nedling Butt Towel to the Color the Arts Fundraiser this year!
No pun intended.
