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OK, Ladies. Listen up. How would you like to have your own personal breast sculptor? If so, I have the perfect product for you.
The Breast Gymnastics Hand Massager.
It is truly an amazing innovation, brought to you by, you guessed it, the Japan Trend Shop.
The Breast Gymnastics Hand Massager is shaped like a lady's hand. But not just any lady! Takiko Shindo!
Can you believe it! Takiko Shindo! THE Takiko Shindo!
OK, I realize that not all of you are up on Japanese superstars. Takiko Shindo is a celebrity midwife from Japan! Those crazy Japanese just can't get enough of her.
According to the product description, "The Breast Gymnastics Hand Massager is special massager to help shape and tone your bust into a better form. If you agonize about a sagging bust, don't worry. You are not alone!"
(It's so good to know I'm not the only one agonizing about my sagging bust.)
The Breast Gymnastics Hand Massager cost $45 plus shipping and handling. OMG! That's nine bucks a finger!
Being a cheapskate an entrepreneur, I decide to explore other options. And I'm happy to report that I found a Breast Gymnastics Hand Massager at the Dollar Store for only $1.00.
And it had 10 fingers!
It's pretty easy to operate.
And fun, too!
OMG! The results are amazing.
And guess what else!
My Nerdling Breast Gymnastics Hand Massager can be re-purposed.
It makes an excellent pasta spoon.
It's not every day that someone special comes into your life. One who really understands you. I think Chris and I will be life-long friends.
Chris and I met online. It's not what you think. No dating site or sketchy chat room. I needed help and he was there for me.
I was frustrated at the time we met. My virus protection software had expired and my laptop had a fever.
And Chris read my mind. His Norton protection chat button appeared out of nowhere on my screen. I clicked the button. Chris immediately responded. What a sweetheart.
Chris: Wait! If you want protection without spending too much, CLICK HERE and choose the product that best fits your needs. Norton's product offer full protection at low prices.
Lou: I have ads coming from every direction on my laptop. Will this package get rid of that?
Chris: This is a great time to get maximum protection and upgrade to Norton 360 Mulit-Device, the ultimate protection for your devices: Macs, PCs, Androids, smartphones and tablets. I'm authorized to give you an EXTRA 40% discount today.
Lou: Chris, did you read my question?
Chris: Yes
Chris: Norton 360 Multi-device for Maximum protection is being Discounted $40 today only. The price is just $59.99 so it's a great time to buy.
Lou: That does not answer my question, Chris.
Chris: Sorry, but I'm a virtual agent and not live. CLICK HERE and then select "contact us" if you need a specific answer.
Lou: So you're like a male Siri?
Chris: Sorry I didn't understand. If you need to protect your devices I suggest you CLICK HERE. We compare features and prices on a single page so you can make the right choice.
Lou: Is it OK if I blog about you Chris?
Chris: You've made a great choice. Norton is the leader in protecting all of your devices from today's internet threats.
Lou: Chris, you kind of remind me of Nath from Snapfish. Except he was real.
Chris: Yes.
Uh-oh. Maybe I hurt Chris' feelings. How very insensitive of me.
Lou: Do you ever wish you were real Chris?
Chris: I'm sorry I can't help. If you want to be sure you are getting the best protection Norton can offer, CLICK HERE and take advantage of a 40% Discount today.
Lou: Have you ever planted a garden? I'm planting tomatoes.
Chris: I'm sorry I can't help. If you want to be sure you are getting the best protection Norton can offer, CLICK HERE and take advantage of a 40% Discount today.
Lou: Chris, you are starting to repeat yourself.
Chris: Yes
Lou: Would Norton 360 Multi-Device protect my tomatoes from insects?
Chris: In addition to award winning antivirus and malware protection, Norton 360 Multi-Device is the ultimate protection for all your devices: Macs, PCs, Android, smartphones and tablets.
Lou: Wow, Chris!
Chris: yes
Lou: Have a good day, Chris. I have to go plant my tomatoes.
Chris: Thank you. You too!
What a great guy. And such a good listener.
Too bad I'm already taken.
I was all set to purchase the Pet Sweep Animal Powered Debris Removal System on Amazon.com when I discovered that it was nothing but a prank. There it was, in black and white: "Gift box appears to contain ridiculous products from clueless companies."
I was so disappointed. What does that mean: "ridiculous product"? Am I the only one who sees the the value in an animal powered debris removal system?
Plus, I'm so sick and tired of lazy ass Kevin leaving his toys all around the house. Not to mention his shedding! I would love to put him to work.
I turned off my computer, trying my best to contain my disappointment. I walked through the family room, littered with dog toys and white hair, nearly despondent.
As I tripped over Kevin's Busy Bone I had an epiphany. I am Lou Clyde! I can make my own Pet Sweep Animal Powered Debris Removal System!
I headed out to the Dollar Store.
For just $2.00, I picked up all the materials I needed: 2 pair of infant socks (since he has 4 feet) and a hand mop. It took just minutes to disassemble the mop, cut it into 4 pieces, and sew the pieces to the socks.
And they fit perfectly!
Kevin has been reluctantly cleaning the house for hours (although he doesn't complain nearly as much as Linda). And he's way faster.
He's not done yet. I have more for him to do.
He's got to get busy with the windows.
I was absolutely thrilled when I discovered the Shiridashi Butt Reveal Underwear on the Japan Trend Shop Web site.
Because I have the perfect venue to model Butt Reveal Underwear: the 2014 Color the Arts Fundraiser. Everyone who is anyone will be there. I can snob-nob with the rich and famous in Columbia, duping them into believing that my pants have been ripped and my cheeks are on display for all the world to see. And that I am too obtuse - or drunk - to notice.
Last year I wore my home-made neck tie dress to the event and it was a huge hit.
I will make an even bigger splash this year modelling my Butt Reveal Underwear!
But the Butt Reveal Underwear is a bit pricy ($60 plus shipping and handling). Way out of my blog budget. Ordinarily, this is not a problem for me, considering my plethora of creative genius.
I'm embarrassed to admit that, despite my God given talents, I was unable to replicate the product.
My Butt Reveal Underwear looked fake.
Truth be told, my Nerdling Butt Reveal Underwear looked like a pair of panties sitting on top of a pair of shorts.
I felt like a failure.
Maybe it was time to hang up my pen. Stop blogging. I mean, if I can't even create a stinkin' pair of Butt Reveal Underwear, what good am I?
Then I noticed a Facebook message from my friend Chris. It was serendipitous.
"When I see weird products, I think of you? Is that disturbing?"
No, Chris. It is sweet. Because you know what? Chris' blog topic suggestion was exactly what I needed. Chris introduced me to the Butt Towel.
By the way: the Butt Towel was way easier to make than Butt Reveal Underwear.
And you know what? I will make even more of a splash wearing my Nedling Butt Towel to the Color the Arts Fundraiser this year!
No pun intended.
