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Please remind me.
If I'm ever in in a car accident in China.
Don't let me go to a Fuzhou hospital.
Because the hospital in Fuzhou is seriously messed up. Don't believe me? Look what they did to poor Xiaolian:
He damaged his nose in a traffic accident.
And now he looks like he lost a game of Mr. Potato Head to Hannibal Lector.
Apparently, a plastic surgeon (let's call him Dr. Kawasiki) is harvesting a nose on Xiaolain's forehead and plans to transplant it.
Hopefully to the front of his face. In the center. Between his eyes and mouth. (One can never be sure with this guy.)
Dr. Kawasiki must have quite the sense of humor.
I mean, he didn't just plant Xiaolian's nose in the middle of his forehead. He put it up-side-down.
Then, just for grins, he angled it 45 degrees.
As if he were changing the channel on his 1975 television set.
I initially suspected that saki was involved in this miscarriage of medicine.
But I later learned that Dr. Kawasiki is an arts aficionado. You guessed it:
One of those kooky Pablo Picasso groupies.
You've all been there before.
You're hungry. You reach in your lunch box for your banana. And damn it!
Your banana has a bruise.
Admittedly, the Banana Bunker does not cure cancer, but it does, ostensibly, solve the age-old problem of how to keep you bananas safe. And protect your banana investment.
Because, who wants to eat a bruised banana?
Certainly not my kids. I used to tell them, "That's where the monkey kissed it." They didn't buy it.
The Banana Bunker has an accordion middle, allowing it to fit nearly any banana.
Except those that are truly gifted.
But my Mama didn't raise no fool. I would never buy a product without first reading the reviews on Amazon.com.
And I'm so glad I did! The first review for the Banana Bunker was positive:
"I purchased these for my sister who asked for them for her birthday. Which was odd considering that she is allergic to bananas. But at any rate, when I asked her about how they were working out she said they got the job done."
I read more reviews and was surprised to learn that the Banana Bunker not only protects bananas, but enhances their taste!
"I don't understand it but apparently these must make bananas tastier because my wife started eating them. I could never get her to eat bananas in the past. After getting one of these, she must eat them quite often. I say this because every morning when I wake up the empty Banana Bunker is on her night stand. She seems a lot happier now and a lot less frustrated. Thank you Banana Bunker. I think you saved our marriage."
Amazing. The Banana Bunker saved a marriage.
There were a ton of positive reviews for the Banana Bunker on Amazon.com. In fact I only saw one negative one.
But between you and me.... I just don't get it.
"Supposed to protect my banana...
but she got pregnant anyway."
I have finally gotten over it.
It has taken two years, but I've done it.
No more Toilet Envy for me. No siree Bob.
My long time readers may remember just how excited I was about my new high-tech toilet with its quiet seat close technology (Toilet Envy blog). All you had to do was give the seat a nudge when it was in the upright position and it would slowly and quietly make its way south.
I was so proud of that toilet.
But then I read about the Japanese Toilets with all their high-tech features. And Toilet Envy reared its ugly head.
Yep. Those Japanese Toilets with ridiculous high-tech features.
See? I am completely over my Toilet Envy.
I mean, who in the world needs a heated toilet seat? I don't live in Buffalo any more. And a spray that washes your "front and rear"? I'm sorry, but I'll take care of that myself. An automatic air purifier? How irrelevant!
My poo doesn't stink!
Yep, I am WAY over that bad case of Toilet Envy.
Besides, there are plenty of low-tech ways to enhance the bathroom user experience.
I could always add a urinal. They do have some creative, funky ones on the market these days.
But what fun would that be for me? In case you hadn't noticed, I don't have a penis. In order to use a urinal without making a huge mess, I would have to use my GoGirl.
And that's just way too much work for me.
I thought about adding a La-Z-Boy Toilet, but I really don't want to encourage long visits.
Then I happened upon this guy. The problem is that he reminds me of one of one of my co-workers and the thought of pooping on his tongue was...well.....
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I'm too mature for that.
Then I found the coolest toilet seat ever. The Guitar Toilet Seat:
Except for one problem. I don't play the guitar. And if I put a Guitar Toilet Seat in my bathroom, I'd feel like a fake,
Guests would comment, "Lou, I didn't know you played the guitar!" They'd look away uncomfortably when I'd say that I don't. I would hear them whispering to other guests, "Can you believe the audacity of Lou? Leading us on like that?"
Yes, that would be utterly humiliating.
To that end, I've selected the perfect toilet seat for my bathroom:
Unarguably Nerdling material.
When my friend, Chris suggested that I blog about the Dimple Machine I was was swept into a wave of Deja Vu.
You see, I have very fond memories of this amazing invention. It was in my parents' Medical Book.
The Clyde Medical Book was the most popular piece of literature in the neighborhood among the under-12 crowd. It was about 3 inches thick and had information about every ailment you could imagine.
But, by far, the best part of the book was the notorious photo gallery containing images of things like ringworm. And cold sores. And malformed genitalia.
We never tired of that book. It was so gross.
I miss that book.
But, Chris was onto something! I don't have dimples (on my face that is). I wanted to test drive the Dimple Machine. I needed to test drive the Dimple Machine.
But sadly, the Dimple Machine is no longer on the market.
Did that stop my quest for a dimple? No sirree. I carefully studied the illustration of the product, and determined that centering the ends of a headband on my cheeks would probably do the trick.
So I attempted to re-purpose my Cameltoe Headband on my face. It kept falling off.
I was getting frustrated. I wanted dimples. There had to be another solution.
So I did some research. And learned that all I need is chop sticks.
It not only worked for her, it worked for her sister!
And if that's not convincing enough, a young man who goes by the name of "ExpiredRaymen" provides even more evidence.
Considering that I require Nitrous Oxide to get my teeth cleaned, I am a bit concerned that I will have the necessary stamina to poke myself with chopsticks for "alot of time."
And what if I don't look good with dimples? I mean, my face is pretty perfect right now. What if chopstick dimples ruin my looks?
I may be permanently scarred.
Just to be safe, I decided to see how I would look with dimples. So I did a little PhotoShopping:
That is when I had my epiphany. Who needs chopsticks to get dimples? All you really need is Band Aids!
But flesh tone Band Aids make for such boring dimples.
Who wants boring flesh toned dimples, when you can have colorful, Angry Bird Dimples?
And the best part?
No Chopsticks required.
