Yeah, We've Got Trouble!

At the risk of sounding like a prude, please make this product go away.

I want Kevin to be happy. I really do! He's got toys in every room of my house. But he does not need one of these.

As my readers my know, I'm a big fan of musical theater. And one of my favorite musicals is "The Music Man". And one of my favorite songs from the show is "Ya Got Trouble", sung by con man Professor Harold Hill, as he convinces the River City, Iowa parents that their new pool table will be a corrupting influence on the boys in their town.

Well, this product is trouble!

With a capital T and that rhymes with D and that stands for

Doggie Lover Doll.

Yep.  Doggie Lover Doll is an "adult" toy for dogs.

This product will undoubtedly corrupt sweet, innocent little Kevin!  

He'd become a Puppy Pervert in the blink of an eye. Before you know it, he'd start hiding "those" magazines under his doggie bed. He'd sneak out of the house late at night to go to doggie strip clubs.

He'd watch Lady and the Tramp without my permission!

I must warn those faint of heart to stop reading this now, as I describe the Doggie Lover Doll in greater detail.

Seriously.  Are you sure you want to keep reading?

The doll is described by the company as “a female canine manufactured in soft rubber with a silicone vagina and an easy to clean reservoir.”

Easy to clean reservoir?  Excuse me. I have to go take a shower.

The product also comes with a tube of water-based intimate lubricant, to increase the usefulness of the doll. It is available in three sizes: small, medium and large, to satisfy all breeds.

Excuse me, again. I have to vomit. And take another shower.

And I thought the Nosefrida Snot Sucker was disgusting.

Yeah, we've got trouble. 

With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Puppy Porn. 

Sweating Pretty

As you know, I'm always on the lookout for new products that I can either test drive, replicate, or make fun of. Or all of the above.

The Aluminum Spa Facial, a Japanese product (how shocking!), is a mask worn on the face allowing you to experience a steam spa facial in the comfort of your own home. 

All you have to do is sweat.

Although I do like the mesmeric magenta color, I'm not crazy about the "Planet of the Apes" look. I mean, what if somebody came to my door in the middle of my Spa Facial? It would be so embarrassing. 

Even for me.

So I decided to make my own Aluminum Spa Facial. I felt relatively certain that I could find all the materials I needed at the Dollar Store to make a Nerdling version of this riveting product.

Although not surprised, I was a bit disappointed to find that the Dollar Store does not carry magenta colored tin foil. But that did not stop me from finding all the raw materials I needed to make my own Aluminum Spa Facial.

It's really quite simple to make, and for only $2.00, the price is right. I simply molded the foil casserole dish to my face and used the lovely Mardi Gras mask to hold it firmly to my head.

Of course it was a bit more complicated than that. 

I carefully studied the original product, got out my slide rule, compass, calculator and scissors and snipped strategically resulting in the "wrap around the neck" effect that the Aluminum Spa Facial provides, ensuring that my sweat would be retained within the mask.

(And I only cut myself 3 or 4 times.)

Don't I look just lovely? It may have been all that sweat in my eyes, but I swear I looked at least 10 years younger after wearing my Nerdling Spa Facial for just 20 minutes.

What's that? The doorbell? Who's afraid of company? Not me! I look enchanting in my Aluminum Spa Facial!  Come on in and have a seat!

OMG. I've just thought of a product enhancement! The Nerdling Spa Facial with Wine Rack. 

I can sweat for hours in my Nerdling Spa Facial with Wine Rack, while discretely drinking Chardonnay from my sports bra.

Life is good.  A bit humid and sweaty, but good.

Counting the Hours

I found the perfect gift for my sister...my sister with the Ant B&B: The Ants Watch. (see February 17, 2012 posting: The Hostess with the Mostest.)

I don't think she'll use it as a watch, though. She’ll probably just watch it. Or put it in her bathtub.  (It would make a very nice wide screen TV for her house guests.)

Maybe I'm a bit obtuse, but I really can't think of any other use for this product.

According to the advertising, “The Ants Watch is perfect for all those times when you want to know the time, but don’t want to risk any else figuring it out.”

Huh?

Can someone please give me an example of when I’d want to know the time but I wouldn’t want to risk anyone else figuring it out?

I mean, if I were some kind of secret agent or international spy, I suppose it could come in handy.

Or say I was kidnapped and Dave couldn't come up with enough Coke Points to pay the ransom, and Linda and I were strapped to a bomb, and the bomb was set to detonate at 2:00 pm, and I didn't want Linda to know exactly when we were going to die.  

I guess the Ants Watch might come in handy in that situation.

I could subtly look at my Ants watch and I would be the only one to know the time. 

"Is that a PS2 on your arm, Mom?" Linda would ask.  "What game are you playing?"

"No, it's my new bracelet" I'd lie, in an effort to distract her from the fact that I was trying, with great effort, to do advanced "ant math" in my head...without a calculator.

Let me see. The red ants stand for the hours. The yellow ants stand for 5 minute intervals and the green ants stand for minutes. That means it's 1 plus 10 times 5 equals 50 minutes plus 2 minutes...which makes it....

KA-BOOM!

See the problem?  We'd be dead before I could tell what time it was!

This is harder than programming a VCR.

No.  The Ants Watch is not for this Nerdling.

It would drive me buggy.

The Hostess with the Mostest

It’s hard to believe we came from the same parents. The same gene pool.

When I have an ant problem, I pull out the Raid. Or call the Bug Man.

Not Jean Anne. If fact for her, an ant occupation in her bathtub was not a "problem". It was an "opportunity" to entertain uncountable guests of the 6-legged variety.

“Hey Loulie, did I tell you about the ants in my tub?”

My ears perked up. (I’m always on the alert for good blog material.)

“Well, last summer, when I was giving my outdoor plants a shower in my bathroom…”

“Stop right there. Why were you giving your outdoor plants a shower in your bathroom. Don’t you have a garden hose?”

“They love to take showers inside," she said matter-of-factly.

I was a bit disappointed at this point.  A blog about giving your outdoor plants a shower in the house?  Strange, yes, but not really blog-worthy.

Jean Anne continued. "At the end of the shower I found about a thousand ants in the bottom of my tub." Then she shook her head in awe. "Cutest little guys you've ever seen.”

Now, we're getting somewhere, I thought. I knew what was coming.

“Don’t tell me. You tried to rescue the ants," I said enthusiastically.

“Of course I did! What would you do?”

“Grab the Raid”

“Oh stop, Lou! You can easily sweep them onto paper with a whisk broom and take them outside!"

At this point my brother-in-law Mark piped in. “Well, it wasn’t quite that easy. Some of them went into those spa water spout thingees. We were finding ants in the tub for months.”

Jean Anne quickly added, “And I started worrying about them. What would they eat?  They could starve in our bathroom!”

Score.

“Don’t tell me. You fed the ants.”

“I had to! What would you have done?"

“I would have grabbed the Raid months earlier.”

So Jean Anne began preparing little ant brunches of apple pieces and placed them in her tub. When the ants were done eating lunch, she would take them outside.

Except winter came and she was facing a dilemma. If she took the "cute little guys" outside with the temperature below freezing, they would most certainly die. 

So now, she and Mark are hosting Louisville’s first Ant B&B.

It probably comes as no surprise to my readers that I have a solution to their problem. (And I will generously give them a family discount for my (genius) idea.)

Jean Anne and Mark have the raw materials for an exceptional product. If they act fast they can open a stand at the Derby.

Or, they could always grab the Raid.

Soiling the Air

To say that my daughter Linda has a keen sense of smell is like saying that Tiger Woods is good at putt-putt golf.

Linda has the nose of a bloodhound. Nothing gets past her.

Case in point: I stopped at the mall on the way home from work last December to pick up a gift for her from Abercrombie. When I walked in the house Linda said, “Mom, why do you smell like Abercrombie?”

I had been in the store for all of 3 minutes.

Usually, it’s the stinky things that she notices. She NEVER misses a fart.

“EUUUUU!  Mom, did you pass gas?”

“She who smelt it dealt it,” I say, very maturely.

(For I have never farted in my life. I’m way too lady-like for that.)

I’m not pointing fingers, but somebody in my house does. And I have the perfect product for this individual. Subtle Butt: The Disposable Gas Neutralizer.

According to the Subtle Butt web site, “This pack of 5 saving graces (also affectionately known as fart pads or fart filters) effectively filters the odor caused by flatulence; simply stick one in the right place and you're ready for a chili cook-off.”

But, they’re a bit on the pricey side, at $11.95.

I know what you're thinking.  Lou, don't tell me that you can make your own Nerdling version of Subtle Butt Disposable Gas Neutralizer?

Yes. That's exactly what I can do. Only I am going to significantly increase the functionality and overall value of the product.

The Nerdling Version of the Subtle Butt will not only neutralize the stink, but transform it to your choice of Vanilla Lavender or Spice Blossom.

I believe they sell dryer sheets at the Dollar Store.

I can sell these right next to the Nerdling Headband Camel Toe Cup at my kiosk at the mall. 

I think they will make fine companion products!

I must get busy with my sales video.  C.C. Colton was right. "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery."   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcXp53Dk48Y

Give Me A Hand

It is so creepy. I have to have one of my own!

I'm talking about The Dokkiri Hand, a cell phone holder that is for sale on one of my favorite Japanese web sites.

According to the marketing materials, "More than just a strange addition to your phone, The Dokkiri Hand also makes for a useful accessory for standing up your device, or for holding pens, cosmetics and other things."

Talk about multi-functional! I

But here's where it really gets creepy: " And if you are in need of companionship, 'she' can even become a very special friend indeed!"

Am I the only one who needs to take a shower after looking at this guy?  Euuuu.

With that said, my current cell phone holder is completely BORING. I need a Dokkiri Hand, to make my life complete.

Then again, I don't want to spend $64.20 plus shipping and handling.

I decided to make my own.  First step?  Find a fake hand.

But where could I find a life sized hand, especially at this time of year? I'm certain that I could find one at Halloween Express, but they're not open until next fall.

I discovered that they sell manikin hands on the internet.  Based on the product reviews, it appears that most manikin hand purchasers are budding artists. 

(I was surprised that none of the reviews mentioned using a manikin hand to make a cell phone holder.)

I have to say, though, that one of the product reviews was a bit unsettling:

I ordered 3 of these for my young grandchildren who like to play with mine when they visit.

Which begs the question(s), why does Grandma have manikin hands, why do her young grandchildren want to play with them, and what games do they play? 

"Grandma, it's my turn to be Jeffrey Dahmer and Bobby won't share the hands!"

Before investing $10 in a manikin hand online, I took a drive to the Dollar Store.

SCORE.

There's good news and bad news. First, the good news. They not only had fake hands, they had bloody fake hands. And the price was right ($1.00).

The bad news is that I have to harvest my fake hand.

"Place Growing Body Part in a large container full of water. Leave Body Part in water for at least 72hours (3 days). Body Part will continue to grow for over 1 week if left in water. Body Part can grow up to 600%."

My fake hand is slowly growing. 

And I have a back-up plan for my phone case, just in case my full grown bloody fake hand doesn't work out.

The fake foot. 

Having Your Cake and Eating It Too

Talk about bursting my bubble. Taking all the wind out of my sail. Making me wake up and smell the diet coke.

Believe me, I’ve had more than my share of disappointing moments in my life. Not making cheer leading 8 consecutive times in high school is the obvious example. 

Then there was the time I found a Fanny Farmer candy bag on the airplane seat next to me that turned out to be an air sickness bag full of air sickness (see posting: Fanny Mayhem 5/10/11). Yeah, that stunk. Literally.

Last night's disappointment ranked right up there.

I was mindlessly surfing the internet for blog topic ideas when I hit pay dirt. 

At least I thought I had.

I discovered a link for a product called The Customizable Urinal Cake Kit.  OMG did I get excited!

For as you may know, I am a summa cum-laude graduate of Michael's cake decorating school. Please don't accuse me of being one of those arrogant culinary highbrows, but a picture is worth a thousand words.  

Thank you.

Can you imagine my excitement when I saw that link? Seriously!  Creating a Urinal Cake would make a fantastic blog, coupling my core competency of cake decorating with my preoccupation of potties.

My mind was working at warp speed. As my hand moved toward the mouse to click on the link I imagined urinal shaped cake pans with templates for streaming urine.

But it’s supposedly customizable…what could that possibly mean?

Since I am of the female persuasion, I haven’t had much experience with urinals. I thought they were pretty standard. How can you customize a urinal?

Then I remembered that link for The Top 10 Most Fascinating Urinals and my heart really started beating! 

This one's pretty!  Maybe I can make a flower urinal cake using The Customizable Urinal Cake Kit!

This is going to be AWESOME!
 

Then I clicked the Customizable Urinal Cake Kit link.

Apparently you can't eat a urinal cake.  

Not even a customized one.