My Second Career

A light bulb went off when I saw Gestalta on the shelf at Ikea.

I'm retired.  I need a new hobby.  I could become and artist and sell my works at cafes and art fairs!

And (gulp) maybe some day to museums!

Really!  No goal is too lofty for me.  I am Lou Clyde.  I just have to aim high and persevere!

So I bought Gestalta as an investment to help me hone and perfect my drawing skills.

It was Dave who told me I had the artistic talents of a Pictionary playing sloth.

Thanks, Dave, for crushing my dreams.

And I wasted $5.99 plus tax on my Gestalta.  I decided to put him on the mantel next to my mannequin leg.

It was Kimmy who told me my Gestalta was creepy.

I took another look at him and I had to agree.  He was naked.  Did I really want porn on my mantel?

He needed clothes, and I was hoping Barbie would lend him something.  It turns out that Gestalta is big-boned compared to Barbie, and, unfortunately, the only thing that fit was her bathing suit.

It was Luke who told me that my bikini clad Gestalta was even creepier than porn star Gestalta.

At this point I was getting really annoyed at the lack of support and respect I was receiving from my family.

But I guess Luke had a point.

So I gave transgender Gestalta a beautiful head of hair.  Except it was uneven.

And the light bulb went off again.

I'm retired.  I need a new hobby. 

I can become a hairdresser!

Attempting Flexibility

To say my body is inflexible is a bit of an understatement. 

I clearly remember the day my dance instructor, Miss Imogene, attempted to get me to do a back bend.

“Reach for the stars!” she'd say in a sing-songy voice. 

I could do that.  I was four.  I was gifted at reaching for the stars.

“Now bend backwards.”

I would bend two, maybe three degrees.

Next, Miss Imogene would attempt to “help” by placing her arm behind my back and pushing me backwards.  

And it worked.  My back bent.

However, my legs went into the air as my body converted to a teeter-totter using Miss Imogene’s arm as the fulcrum.

It’s not just my back that is lacking in flexibility.  My legs open to a 45 degree angle. 

Max.

Let’s just say you won’t see me starring in any porn movies.  

I can just imagine the scene on the set. 

Director: “Lou, now place your left leg over Bruno’s shoulder.”

Being the professional actor that I am, I would.  My right leg would follow, possibly injuring Bruno’s jaw.

“Lou, leave you right leg under Bruno.”

I would return my right leg to its position under Bruno.  The left leg would follow clobbering Bruno in his manhood.

"CUT!"

And my porn star career would end.  Just like that.

But you know what?  I have just discovered a class at Gold’s Gym that may just change my life.  BodyFlow offers participants a chance to improve strength and flexibility while rejuvenating the body’s systems.

Finally.  After decades of being a stiff I will be flexible!  I could become a dancer.  Or a porn star.  Or a dancing porn star!

Decisions, decisions....

OMG.  I could be a Twerk Star!

Or not.