BodyFlop

I decided to start November off on a new leaf.  No more Halloween Candy!  I would eat healthy and exercise more. 

To that end, I checked out the class schedule at Gold's Gym.  There was a BodyFlow class at 3:15.

I read the description:

BodyFlow offers participants a chance to improve strength and flexibility while rejuvenating the body's systems.  Its movements focus the body's energy to relieve stress, reduce pain, and improve alignment.

Relive stress?  Reduce pain?  Sign my unaligned ass up!

I arrived at class a few minutes late, grabbed a mat and set up shop at the back of the room.

There were four instructors on stage, presumably in case three passed out (or away) during the class.  (I guess if something happened to the remaining one, the class- or what was left of them- would be free to leave.)

I lay my purple mat on the floor. Instructor #1 was in the midst of plie-ing, her hypnotic voice urging the class to go "deeper...deeper".   

I joined in the torture fun and we quickly advanced through a litany of motions requiring excruciating extensions.

My calves howled during the downward facing donkey.  Or dog.  Or some kind of damn animal.

But I persevered.

I made it through the warrior pose without falling over.  I saluted the sun (with my middle finger). 

Then came poses requiring balance.

Not just "stand on one foot" balance.  It was like "stick your left foot on your right thigh, then pull it above your head without bending your knee" balance.  

At this point I started giggling.

I decided to showcase my own balancing skills.  I set my feet shoulder width apart and patted my head.  Then I rubbed my belly.  To really impress them I lifted one leg.  

And tipped over.

 

As I got to my feet I noticed that the instructor was doing a lunge.

I can do that!  

I lunged forward.  Gracefully.
 

“Now, ease into a split, if you can.” 

So I did.  I split.

Leaving my purple mat behind.

Attempting Flexibility

To say my body is inflexible is a bit of an understatement. 

I clearly remember the day my dance instructor, Miss Imogene, attempted to get me to do a back bend.

“Reach for the stars!” she'd say in a sing-songy voice. 

I could do that.  I was four.  I was gifted at reaching for the stars.

“Now bend backwards.”

I would bend two, maybe three degrees.

Next, Miss Imogene would attempt to “help” by placing her arm behind my back and pushing me backwards.  

And it worked.  My back bent.

However, my legs went into the air as my body converted to a teeter-totter using Miss Imogene’s arm as the fulcrum.

It’s not just my back that is lacking in flexibility.  My legs open to a 45 degree angle. 

Max.

Let’s just say you won’t see me starring in any porn movies.  

I can just imagine the scene on the set. 

Director: “Lou, now place your left leg over Bruno’s shoulder.”

Being the professional actor that I am, I would.  My right leg would follow, possibly injuring Bruno’s jaw.

“Lou, leave you right leg under Bruno.”

I would return my right leg to its position under Bruno.  The left leg would follow clobbering Bruno in his manhood.

"CUT!"

And my porn star career would end.  Just like that.

But you know what?  I have just discovered a class at Gold’s Gym that may just change my life.  BodyFlow offers participants a chance to improve strength and flexibility while rejuvenating the body’s systems.

Finally.  After decades of being a stiff I will be flexible!  I could become a dancer.  Or a porn star.  Or a dancing porn star!

Decisions, decisions....

OMG.  I could be a Twerk Star!

Or not.