Salami in the Tin Foil Drawer

“I found the phone,” Dave announces as I enter the kitchen.

 “I didn’t know it was lost.”

“Yeah", he says.  "I’ve been looking for it for 10 minutes.”
 
“Well, where was it?”

“In the cupboard.  Next to the cereal.”  He raises one eyebrow and adds, “Why did you put it there?”

Here we go again.  He thinks it was me.  I know it was him.  

 “Not me,” I flatly deny.  “Must have been the same person who put the salami in the tin foil drawer last week.”
 
One thing’s for sure.  It couldn’t have been Linda.

She never puts anything away.

But there’s no way it was me.  I would never put the phone next to the Rice Krispees!
 
Although I did pour Diet Coke in Kevin’s water dish the other day.  

And then there was that tiny mishap with the clogs.

(I bought a new pair of brown clogs and dropped off my old pair at Good Will.  Except I gave away one shoe from each pair.)

OMG!  Maybe it was me!!  And it’s only likely to get worse.

If there was only some way to make lemonade out of this lemon.

Wait. One. Minute.

Reality TV! 

It will be a cross between Keeping Up With the Khardashians and The Real Housewives of Atlanta. 
 
I'll call it: Keeping Up With Stuff Misplaced by the Real Old People of Columbia.
 
It will be the biggest hit since Hoarders! 
 
I can just imagine the chatter in break rooms around the country.  “Did you see Keeping Up with Stuff Misplaced by the Real Old People of Columbia last night?”

And the ratings will go through the roof when I accidentally brush my teeth with Kevin’s Chicken Toothpaste.

The Addiction

Hello.  I’m Lou.  And I’m addicted to making Polar Fleece Headband Ear Warmers.

Hello Lou.

It all started when I ordered some Buffalo Bills polar fleece online.  I didn’t know what to do with it.

So I put on my Project Runway vibe and before you know it I had developed a prototype Polar Fleece Headband Ear Warmer.

Then I got the email from Hancock Fabrics that polar fleece was on sale.  

The rest was history.  

Before you know it I’d made enough Polar Fleece Headband Ear Warmers to cover the cold ears of every member of my extended family, neighbors, coworkers, and cast members from every show I've been in over the past ten years.
 
I was wracking my brain.  Who else would like one?  How about that greeter lady at Walmart?

I could not stop.  

Every night after dinner the urge would begin.  I’d get fidgety.  My pulse would quicken.  I’d break into cold sweats.

STEP AWAY FROM THE POLAR FLEECE

But I couldn’t stop. My inventory grew.  And grew.

What in the world was I going to do with all of these Polar Fleece Headband Ear Warmers?  

Send them to peasants in Siberia?  Or Fargo?

Then I thought about Etsy!  I could actually SELL these things. 

So I set up a shop on Etsy.  It’s called NerdlingProjects and there are 2 items for sale: Polar Fleece Headband Ear Warmers and Tom Brady Deflategate Whoopee Cushions.

I "opened" my shop.  Then I waited for my first sale. 

And waited.

And waited.

Crickets.

Until I decided to purchase one of my Polar Fleece Headband Ear Warmers myself.

I was so excited when I got the email saying I had made my first sale!  

I waited a day and alerted myself the buyer that I had shipped her order.  

And then I got an email from myself  the seller saying the item had shipped.

Dave noticed that an $18 charge had hit our credit card from Etsy and asked me about it.  

“Oh.... I bought one of my Polar Fleece Headband Ear Warmers.”

“From yourself?”
 
“Yeah” I said.

"Why?"

“I figured people may be afraid to buy something from someone on Etsy who never sold anything.”

He thought about it for a minute and asked, “You’re selling them for $18?”

“No.  They’re $15.  I charge $3 for shipping.” 
 
 “Are you going to mail it to yourself?” he asked
.
Duh.  Of course I’m not going to mail it to myself!  

But I am going to review it. 

But not right away.  I have to wait until it gets delivered.  

A GoGirl for a GoGirl

I had to look twice.  I wasn't at all sure what I was looking at.

It was a cross between a sippy cup.....and a port-a-potty?

OMG!  It’s a  GoGirl for toddlers.  

I read the product description.

 

Whether in the supermarket, hospital, highway, park, department stores, car and other public places or Restroom queue row when they are ready to give the baby use, to prevent the baby urine trousers. 

So.  Let me get this straight.  To prevent the baby urine trousers, she just has to pee into the green miniature GoGirl. 

No longer let baby urgency find toilet, this not only leak proof and anti odor. but also could be anywhere in the bag to carry and use. 

Wow. I will no longer let baby urgency find toilet.  (Huh?)  It doesn't leak or smell.  And I can carry it anywhere in the bag.  To use!
  
I looked at it more closely.  It seems to me that, in order to prevent the baby urine trousers, she would not just have to pee into the green GoGirl.  She would have to aim for the orange circle.  That looks to be the size of a Cheeto. 

Although I trust that any and all pee that finds its way through the orange spiked circle and into the belly of the mouse puppy elephant will not spill.  

I'm not aware of any girl under the age of 3 who can accurately aim her urine and hit that target.  Without significant splatter.  

Hell!  I couldn't do it.  And I'm 39!

Shut up. 

You know what this product needs? 

A GoGirl!

And is it just me, or does that mouse puppy elephant look a little bit too happy?  

For crying out loud, he's about to get a mouth full of pee. 

BodyFlop

I decided to start November off on a new leaf.  No more Halloween Candy!  I would eat healthy and exercise more. 

To that end, I checked out the class schedule at Gold's Gym.  There was a BodyFlow class at 3:15.

I read the description:

BodyFlow offers participants a chance to improve strength and flexibility while rejuvenating the body's systems.  Its movements focus the body's energy to relieve stress, reduce pain, and improve alignment.

Relive stress?  Reduce pain?  Sign my unaligned ass up!

I arrived at class a few minutes late, grabbed a mat and set up shop at the back of the room.

There were four instructors on stage, presumably in case three passed out (or away) during the class.  (I guess if something happened to the remaining one, the class- or what was left of them- would be free to leave.)

I lay my purple mat on the floor. Instructor #1 was in the midst of plie-ing, her hypnotic voice urging the class to go "deeper...deeper".   

I joined in the torture fun and we quickly advanced through a litany of motions requiring excruciating extensions.

My calves howled during the downward facing donkey.  Or dog.  Or some kind of damn animal.

But I persevered.

I made it through the warrior pose without falling over.  I saluted the sun (with my middle finger). 

Then came poses requiring balance.

Not just "stand on one foot" balance.  It was like "stick your left foot on your right thigh, then pull it above your head without bending your knee" balance.  

At this point I started giggling.

I decided to showcase my own balancing skills.  I set my feet shoulder width apart and patted my head.  Then I rubbed my belly.  To really impress them I lifted one leg.  

And tipped over.

 

As I got to my feet I noticed that the instructor was doing a lunge.

I can do that!  

I lunged forward.  Gracefully.
 

“Now, ease into a split, if you can.” 

So I did.  I split.

Leaving my purple mat behind.