Hanky Panky

I was originally going to write this week's blog about hankies. You may think this is a bad topic for my blog, but it snot. (Sorry, couldn't resist!)

My Dad carried one his whole life (well, not the same one), as did just about all men of his generation. He lived in a pre-germaphobe society with no hang-ups over blowing your nose into a cloth and reusing it throughout the day. Users had no second thoughts about putting snot filled hankies into washing machines.

Men's hankies were typically large white squares of cotton fabric that were folded up and stuffed in their pockets. Women's 'handkerchiefs' often had embroidered edges and flowers. Some were monogrammed.

I ask you. Who would want to blow their nose into one of these? "Ick".

When I was a kid, I honed my ironing skills on my Dad's hankies. In fact, most of his hankies had brown triangular stains on them as a result. And I could make my Dad's hankies dance. Know how? By putting a little boogie in them.

Pa-dum-dum.

As I was researching this topic I discovered that the history of Kleenex is a much more interesting topic than hankies.

In the 1920's, one of Kimberly-Clark's products was Kotex (without adhesive strips, as we all know). Because the topic of feminine pads was taboo, they were not able to successfully market the product and had an excess inventory of 'creped wadding'. They looked for another use for this fluffy material and in 1924 they developed a socially acceptable sister product they called Kleenex, which was positioned as a disposable cloth to be used for removing make up with cold cream.

Leave it to consumers to develop their own use for the product. By 1926 Kimberly-Clark began receiving letters from customers telling them that they used Kleenex as disposable handkerchiefs. The light bulb went off and the rest is history. Kleenex is now the number one facial tissue in the world and hankies are all but obsolete.

Thank goodness. On a related note, do you know the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids don't each broccoli.

Pa-dum-dum.

It's Just Wrong!

I went to lunch yesterday at a local restaurant in West Columbia. The menu was quite ordinary, with your typical entrees and side items: cheeseburgers, turkey sandwiches, BLTs, quesadillas, chili. Yes. Really quite ordinary.   Until I got about 2/3 of the way down the menu.

Liver Pudding? That can't be right. Who would make pudding out of Liver?

Say goodbye to my appetite.

I love pudding. I love chocolate pudding. I love butterscotch pudding. I love vanilla, banana, coconut, peanut butter, pistachio and white chocolate pudding. I love all kinds of pudding regardless of whether it’s prepared on the stove, instant pudding or even pull-tab pudding. I love it in a pie shell or in a bowl. With or without whipped cream. 

But I'm certain as the square root of 64 is 8 that I wouldn't like Liver pudding.

It's been 24-hours since the shock and I still cannot get that unsettling menu item off my mind.

There is something seriously wrong with the concept of Liver Pudding. This is 2010. We do not live in a little house on the prairie with Charles Ingalls.

 But I had to rise above it.  I am a nerdling, and with that title comes the responsibility to educate my readers about things such as Liver Pudding. With great discomfort, I researched the recipe for this ‘delicacy’.

I wish I hadn't. 

Basically you cook pork liver along with a ‘thick fatty pork chop on the bone’. Then you grind the meat into submission, season it, press it into a loaf pan and refrigerate for 24 hours until it looks like Spam. 

The recipe didn’t say, but I would recommend that you serve Liver Pudding with Mastadon drippings and mashed turnips. For dessert, try some delicious vinegar pie. Be sure to wash down the meal with a tall glass of ice-cold blood.  (And if you enjoy Liver Pudding you can also try Stewed Jackrabbit & Dumplings.)

Seriously!  It's time to call the Pudding Police. Making pudding out of items found behind the butcher counter should be outlawed. And, in all fairness, serving Mint Chocolate Chip Cheeseburgers should be a misdemeanor.

But if you ever become so bold as to serve Yorkshire pudding with Susan Boyle's face, you are headed straight for death-row!

Never Mind

I try to avoid work topics on my blog but this was just too tempting to ignore.

I was invited via e-mail to present some research results at a client’s staff meeting. Here is the string of e-mails:

TO: Lou

FROM: Emily

Good Afternoon –

Patrick would like you to speak at his next staff meeting . The meeting is scheduled for Thursday, May 27 in E159 from 8:00 am – 4:00 pm. Once the agenda has been completed we will send it out to everyone.  Thanks.

TO: Emily

FROM: Lou

I’m free except for between 10:45-12:00.

Thanks-

TO: Lou

FROM: Emily

Hi Lou –

How much time do you need? I’m putting together a tentative agenda to send to the presenters and I wanted to give them something to work with. Please let me know as soon as possible. Thanks for your help.

TO: Emily

FROM: Lou

30-45 minutes

Thanks!

TO: Lou

FROM: Emily

Hi Lou-

I got you down from 11:45 – 12:00…I hope that’s fine.

TO: Emily

FROM: Lou

I’m confused.

I told you that I was free all day except from 10:45-12:00 and that I needed 30-45 minutes.

Why have you put me down for 11:45-12:00?

Thanks-

TO: Lou

FROM: Emily

Sorry, I miss understood. I will move some things around.

TO: Emily

FROM: Lou

No problem. Thanks!

TO: Lou

FROM: Emily

I’m sorry, but I assumed you would be presenting the information for us when in fact, Herman Munster (alias)  will be presenting that piece, so we won’t need you to present after all. Thanks you for your willingness and sorry for the confusion.

For some reason, Emily Latilla's voice comes to mind.  (Click on the link below:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3FnpaWQJO0 

Pencil Me In!

I’m a nerdling. I love pencils. And pencils are extremely versatile; they can do so much more than write.

Some obvious uses for pencils include:

• Back scratchers
• Chop sticks
• Pointers

Pencils can also be used in a crunch for extending your reach in the cupboard, opening a stubborn bag of Cheetos (although the pencil tip will likely break) and for cleaning food out of your computer keyboard. 

Pencils are also useful tools for styling hair. You can part your hair with a pencil (careful if you’re blond). You can use pencils to hold your Aunt Bee Hair bun in place. And you can also use pencils to curl your hair.

I originally learned of this technique while in graduate school. I got the idea from an article a magazine and decided to give it a whirl. I remember painstakingly wrapping pieces of hair around pencils. I don’t recall how long I kept them in, but the outcome was amazing. My hair was quite curly and unusually cute when the pencils were removed. 

Years have passed since that pencil-hair experiment. But for some reason, the memory randomly entered my brain and I decided to re-enact the 1982 experiment on Sunday night.

I gathered up all the pencils and bobby pins I could find, washed my hair, and began. The first thing I noticed is that my arms have weakened in the past 25 years or so. Rolling hair onto pencils is quite a strenuous activity. But even more strenuous is the challenge of holding them in place with bobby pins and getting them to stay put.

Inevitably, as I would be tipping my head sideways to jam a bobby pin between the hair on the pencil and the hair on my scalp, a pencil from a row or two higher on my head would slide out.
(It wasn’t until the next day that I realized that a more effective strategy would have been to use putt-putt-golf pencils and binder clips to keep the curlers in place.) 

When I finally finished, a glass of wine was in order. I subsequently lost a few more pencils when I tipped the glass back to take a drink. I lost some more when I tried to blow dry my hair. I took the remaining handful of pencils out when my hair was completely dry.

I looked like a poodle.

No fair. After all that work I had to take a hair straightener to my coifs so I could go out in public. 

But like any failed project, I decided to do a post mortem and identify process improvement opportunities. Of course the putt-putt golf pencil/binder clip methodology topped the list. But sometimes you have to look outside your sandbox for insights.

I found some invaluable instructions on the internet for curling My Little Pony hair. One owner achieved excellent results with straws. 

I’m not sure how she got them to stay in, but it’s worth a try.

Taste for Yourself...If You Dare

Pop Tarts have been around since 1964. When first introduced there were just 5 flavors: strawberry, blueberry, brown sugar cinnamon, and apple currant. Now there are 28. I'm writing today about their newest flavor: "Frosted Wild! Grape".

Here's the description: "Wacky purple and green frosting and emerald green sprinkles top a golden crust packed with a mega-yummy, grape-flavored filling. There's nothing tame about this toaster pastry."

Have you ever seen something so unsettling that you could not tear your eyes away from it? Like the cover of a National Enquirer showing Kirstie Alley's cellulite? Or some customer in Walmart arguing loudly with her overly tattooed boyfriend about what kind of potato chips she wants? You find yourself staring uncontrollably, perhaps wondering what it would be like to be her (or where she bought her tank top).

Well, when I read the description of the Frosted Wild! Grape Pop Tarts I felt a similar irrational desire. Seeing the picture was not enough. I had to buy a box. I had to see for myself if these pastries were just as wild as they claimed to be.

The box now sits in front of me. It is my intent to sample the product for my readers..after I have a bit more wine to work up my courage.

I wonder if I should heat it up? I will try it both ways. In fact, I will try it cold, heated in the toaster, and heated in the microwave...after I have a bit more wine to work up my courage.

The box says that these Pop Tarts are 'Made for Fun!' They are a good source of 6 vitamins and minerals and of B1, B2, and B6 vitamins. They are cholersterol free and have 0 grams of trans fat.

I'm a bit concerned that the box doesn't say anything about tasting good.

I take a swig of wine and open the box. Am I seeing things? On the foil pouch there is a picture of a dinosaur singing into a microphone to two girls who are doing the John Travolta Saturday Night Live dance (right below the warning to not microwave the pastries in the pouch.)

I rip open the foil. It is very purple. Look! There are the lime green stripes and emerald sprinkles. Just like on the box.

Ready. Set. Go.

Not quite yet. I need another sip of wine.

Ready. Set. Close my eyes and go.

It tasted purple. The toaster version tasted like warm purple. The microwave version tasted like soggy warm purple.

Wild? No. Just purple.

Is it just me, or do other people think that if a flavor would work for Kool Aid or jelly beans then it should not be a Pop Tart flavor?

I'm done taste-testing Pop Tarts.  Until they come out with the Chardonnay flavor.

Poor Kevin

He was unsuspecting. Just like Gilligan and his shipmates on the Minnow who went on a "4-hour tour". Kevin went for an innocent car ride yesterday morning with not a care in the world. He came home 8 hours later minus 4 baby teeth and 2 teeny testicles and with a new microchip implanted in his shoulder. 

The vet gave Kevin pain medication for his discomfort.

But that's not all she gave him. She gave Kevin a lovely doggie lampshade, to prevent him from licking his wounds. And he is supposed to wear it for 10 days.

Kevin does not like this lampshade. The vet said he would get used to it, but Kevin would trade his left nut to get rid of it. Of course, he doesn't have one to trade, so he's stuck with the lampshade.

Truth be told, we took it off him about an hour after he got home. It was a judgment call. We decided that he was far more likely to injure himself bumping into walls and tripping down stairs than he would be by licking his incision. (It also helps to litter the floor with distractions like dirty socks and used Kleenex.) 

Now, just in case Kevin starts to get self conscious about his missing anatomy, I have researched a solution. Neuticles. Yes, they make artificial testicles for dogs.

On second thought, he'd probably have to wear a lampshade after Neuticle surgery. 

I'll send him to a doggie shrink instead.

Bag-Teria

I was at a campfire party last night and my friend Becca asked the hostess where she should leave her purse while we were outside enjoying the fire. I suggested she leave it on the counter.

I must note if you look up the word 'diplomatic' in the dictionary you will see: "the ability to avoid offending others or hurting their feelings".  Next to the definition is a photo of Becca.

So, with utmost diplomacy Becca said that she didn't think it was a good idea to put her purse on the counter, because purses were a breeding ground for bacteria. She mentioned that purses are often placed in many dirty, germy areas.... including on the floors of public restrooms.

My mind immediately flashed to a vision of my daughter's purse, which is the size of South America. It is consistently dropped on the kitchen counter every time Kimmy enters the house.

I gulped and said with a shaky voice, "Kimmy always puts her purse on our counter." Becca replied, with a combination of empathy and guilt, "I know."

After 2 hours of Lysolling my counters that night I did a bit of research, hoping, with great hope, that perhaps Becca was being a bit of a germaphobe. I mean, how many germs could the bottom of a purse hold? What I discovered turned my stomach.

Millions.

In fact, purses have become subways for micro organisms, being transferred from one location to another, getting off at will. And then I thought about all the places Kimmy and her purse go. I about vomited.

But I'm a glass-half-full kind of nerd. I see this this "germ-mass-transit" issue as a marketing opportunity. And I can clearly see a solution: Sanitary napkins secured to the bottom of women's purses. (I'm visualizing the post-1970 version with adhesive, although the pre-1970 version with belts could serve the added benefit of converting a clutch purse to a shoulder bag.)

The pads would be replaced as often as necessary, making the market potential for this product huge. And, of course, they would be available in all sizes (not just slender, regular and super). We would also provide Coach, Prada and Gucci brands of the SPPs (sanitary purse protectors.)

Better wrap this up.  I need to find a venture capitalist who shares my vision.  

And if that doesn't work, I'll make an infomercial.