The Dual Purpose Panties

At the risk of being labeled a germaphobe, I have been a wee bit concerned about my upcoming flight to New Zealand.  I'll be flying 45% of the way around the world.  Aboard a Petri dish.

So you can imagine my excitement when I saw the latest product on the Japan Trend Shop web site: the Pantsu Mask.  

If I had my own Pantsu Mask I would no longer have to worry about any nasty airborne germs.

Not to mention the secondary product benefits.  I mean,  who would want to talk to someone wearing a pair of panties on her face?

You’ve all been there.  Chatty Cathy sits down next to you and immediately asks you where you’re from.

“Oh!  You’re from Columbia?  What a coincidence!  My sister’s niece went to Columbia College.  It was her sister-in-law’s daughter, otherwise she would have been my niece, too.  Or my daughter.  (Giggles)  That’s so funny.  But I don’t have any girls.  Just three strapping boys.  My oldest….”

I decided to order the Pantsu Mask.

But it won’t be available until September 23!

I’ll be back from New Zealand way before then.  Probably suffering from some nasty strain of flu I picked up in that Petri dish. 

Or Ebola.

The Japan Trend Shop web site sells other face masks.  I considered the Doraemon Gonoturn Face Mask but it seemed so, I don’t know.... juvenile.  

And even worse- a potential conversation starter.

I love this one, but I thought it might land me in some New Zealand prison.

  
I am not taking any chances on this vacation.  I decided to make my own.

It really was quite easy, for a Nerdling as creative as me.  I didn't even have to drive to the Dollar Store:

It will work perfectly, protecting me from both germs and gabs.

If only I could get it away from Kevin.  He thinks it's some kind of doggie ascot.

Which is absolutely ridiculous.  Who would make a doggie ascot out of panties?

Bag-Teria

I was at a campfire party last night and my friend Becca asked the hostess where she should leave her purse while we were outside enjoying the fire. I suggested she leave it on the counter.

I must note if you look up the word 'diplomatic' in the dictionary you will see: "the ability to avoid offending others or hurting their feelings".  Next to the definition is a photo of Becca.

So, with utmost diplomacy Becca said that she didn't think it was a good idea to put her purse on the counter, because purses were a breeding ground for bacteria. She mentioned that purses are often placed in many dirty, germy areas.... including on the floors of public restrooms.

My mind immediately flashed to a vision of my daughter's purse, which is the size of South America. It is consistently dropped on the kitchen counter every time Kimmy enters the house.

I gulped and said with a shaky voice, "Kimmy always puts her purse on our counter." Becca replied, with a combination of empathy and guilt, "I know."

After 2 hours of Lysolling my counters that night I did a bit of research, hoping, with great hope, that perhaps Becca was being a bit of a germaphobe. I mean, how many germs could the bottom of a purse hold? What I discovered turned my stomach.

Millions.

In fact, purses have become subways for micro organisms, being transferred from one location to another, getting off at will. And then I thought about all the places Kimmy and her purse go. I about vomited.

But I'm a glass-half-full kind of nerd. I see this this "germ-mass-transit" issue as a marketing opportunity. And I can clearly see a solution: Sanitary napkins secured to the bottom of women's purses. (I'm visualizing the post-1970 version with adhesive, although the pre-1970 version with belts could serve the added benefit of converting a clutch purse to a shoulder bag.)

The pads would be replaced as often as necessary, making the market potential for this product huge. And, of course, they would be available in all sizes (not just slender, regular and super). We would also provide Coach, Prada and Gucci brands of the SPPs (sanitary purse protectors.)

Better wrap this up.  I need to find a venture capitalist who shares my vision.  

And if that doesn't work, I'll make an infomercial.