The Speech

Last week I was asked to say "a few words" about my boss at a Leadership Meeting where she was being recognized for her 20 years of service.  I decided to tell it like it is...

What can you say about a boss who gives you a unicycle for Christmas? 

It really wasn’t until I attempted to mount that unicycle that I started to wonder if she was trying to get rid of me. 

But then I came to my senses and realized that she probably didn’t want an employee to go out on Short-Term Disability, and that she just had very high expectations of me.  

She figured that anyone who could jump rope and pogo stick at the same time certainly could learn how to ride a unicycle.

So I started watching you-tube videos:  "How to mount a unicycle", "How to ride a unicycle", "How to juggle while riding a unicycle".  

But there was one video missing.   “How not to go on Short-Term Disability while learning to ride a unicycle.” 

That unicycle is a metaphor for Cathy’s leadership.  First she has high expectations for her team.  But more importantly, she is the kind of leader who inspires you to succeed .  

And I really wanted to succeed on that unicycle to make Cathy proud.  

But, in the end, I place more value on my healthy bones than on making Cathy proud.  And my unicycle remains parked in my hallway where I can safely ride it, with my hands touching both sides of the wall as I proudly pedal onward.

I thoroughly enjoy working with Cathy and am thrilled that she has been with this company for 20 years. 

But I will not be here for 20 more years if I keep trying to ride that damn unicycle.

Bumper Dumping

I never intended to publish 3 toilet-themed posts in a row.  

I have a reputation to protect.  Notes from a Nerdling is a highly intellectual, educational blog.

Stop laughing.   

It really was unintentional.  I accidentally happened upon the Bumper Dumper while innocently surfing the web.  

Come on, guys?  How could I possibly resist sharing this amazing apparatus with my readers?

The Bumper Dumper is exactly as it sounds: a toilet seat attached to a steel frame that hooks on to a trailer hitch converting the back of your vehicle into your very own port-a-potty. 

I mean, think about it.  This product is life changing!  No more having to wait for nasty, inconvenient road side rests!  

If you have to “drop a deuce” (I learned that from the Poo-Pourri commercial), all you have to do is pull over to the side of the road, attach your Bumper Dumper to the trailer hitch and drop!

And, like Poo-Pourri, Bumper Dumper has a kick-ass slogan: "When it comes to #2, we are #1”.  
 
And it is sturdy.  Bumper Dumper will hold up to 500 pounds.  (Doesn’t that just elicit the most disturbing fascinating images?)

The Bumper Dumper sells for $59.99. 

Being a cheapskate frugal, I would never spend that much money without first reading product reviews on Amazon.com. 

And I’m so glad I did! This guy had a lot of good advice:

Forget the bucket, just use the ring seat and this device can be, all kidding aside, a lifesaver. Toss the five gallon bucket, it's useless and the manufacturer just puts that on the photos so the EPA doesn't make a stink about it.

That’s great, because the Bumper Dumper does not come with a bucket! 

And check out these great user tips!

Keep feet out in front of you like you're on an elementary school swing--the ground splatter can be unsightly on your Gore-tex hikers.

Woah.  That's good to know.

Sometimes it's nice to relax, grab an LL Bean sale catalog, drink some java and enjoy the morning. The bumper dumper allows you to be civil and to really pass the time outdoors. I hold my pinkie out when I drink from my coffee cup on the bumper dumper. I probably wouldn't bother with that if I was just taking a dookie over a log.

"Can someone please pass the Grey Poupon." You'll feel like King Edward on his throne gazing down on his subjects: a squirrel, a blue jay, a couple of chipmunks, an army of ants. That's the cool thing about this dumper. It makes you feel all kingly. 

 What a fantastic customer experience!  I’ve got goosebumps.

Tip: if you are using this product in an urban setting--for instance, parallel parked next to a busy sidewalk-- it's crucial to wear a rain poncho so that it hangs down below the seat and keeps you covered. Passersby will think you're just sitting on a chair, expecting rain and reading a newspaper. Just wave to them, as cool as a cucumber, like nothing’s going on.

That will be no problem for me at all, considering my brilliant acting skills.

I do suggest, however, that you hold the poncho out to the sides at the moment of purge as any ill-timed breeze will blow the plastic cloth right under the seat. Not good. Trust me, it's a real bear to drive a few hundred miles in the humid summertime with a "dirty poncho" under your seat. I've made this ghastly error once. Notice, I said "once".
 
On second thought...

I think I’ll wait for the rest stop.

It Happens

You’ve all been there.

Perhaps it's what you ate for lunch.  Or where you ate.  Or something has you worried.

You have to go.  Badly.

But you’re not at home.  You’re at work. Or at a friend’s house. 

And you know that if your go, every breathing organism within 120 square yards will know what you were doing behind that closed door.

Of course, I have never personally experienced this scenario.

My poo doesn’t smell.

But this blog is not about me.  It is my social responsibility to identify and recommend products that may benefit my readers.  

You’re welcome.

(Although, admittedly, I will peripherally benefit from others’ usage of this product.)

The product to which I am referring is Poo-Pourri.  How can you not admire a product with a brand promise of: “Our business is to make it smell like your business never even happened”?

Poo-Pourri is a fragrance which is sprayed into the toilet before you “drop a deuce”.  (I learned that term from the Poo-Pourri video.  I'm gonna start using it.). 

I know what you’re thinking.  

How can spraying fragrance into a toilet stop the smell?  

Great question!  Poo-Pourri leaves a protective layer of essential oils that traps odors under water (in their porcelain prison).

But that is not all.   

This product not only masks unwanted odors, it ostensibly cleans the toilet bowl, erasing all evidence of the deposit.  (It may take 2 or 3 flushes if your skid marks are as tenacious as the spokeswoman’s.)

Sadly, I will not be able to test drive this product, since, as I mentioned: My poo doesn’t smell. 

I just realized that this is my second post in a row dealing with pooping.  Between the Squatty Potty and the Poo-Pourri I have become somewhat of an expert in the art of Number 2. In fact, perhaps I should change careers, considering the wealth of knowledge I have achieved.  

I could be a stinkin’ Proctologist!

But  then again, I don’t think I have the stomach to deal with proctology exams.

Unless....

OMG!  I just had one of my many scathingly brilliant ideas.  

One squirt is all it takes!  And to all you Protologists out there?  

You're welcome.

The Stool Stool

It was the product’s name that first got my attention.

But it did not take me long to recognize the significance of this amazing apparatus with the noteworthy name.  

The Squatty Potty, fits around the base of your toilet and allows you to squat, rather than sit, on your toilet seat.  

Apparently, I’ve been assuming an incorrect pooping position my entire life, potentially risking my colon and other unspeakable mysteries from within the depths of my netherlands.   

As you know, one of the underlying goals of this blog is to educate my readers (and simultaneously raise your IQs and increase your chances of breaking 1200 on the SAT.) 

You’re welcome.

To that end, allow me to explain the science of elimination.  

It is really quite simple.  The colon, which is 3-6 feet long, moves poo to the butt for elimination.  And, at the risk of getting too technical, sitting on the throne partially blocks the flow of poo, and often requires significant effort to achieve success.  

However, when perched upon the Squatty Potty, “the movements slide right out.”  In fact, according to research conducted by an Israeli scientist, when squatting, subjects averaged 51 seconds to move their bowels, compared with 130 seconds when sitting on a high toilet. 

Now that's a compelling statistic.

The Squatty Potty sounded good, but I was still a bit skeptical.  To that end, I read some reviews on Amazon.com.

"This product will help you go when you couldn't go and will help you go well when your going wasn't good. It will even keep the going good when it is good. It is all do to the squat. Quite a magical product."

"Not going into huge detail here but here's the honest truth.I WILL NEVER BE W/OUT ONE OF THESE - FREAK'N AWESOME."

"Often I would have to do it twice each morning....as a regular toilet seat never allows the rectal vault to completely empty."

OMG.  I want my own Squatty Potty.   My own stool stool.

Except the Squatty Potty is $64.99.  Way out of my blog budget.

I could always try the yellow pages, and I’m not talking about letting my fingers do the walking.  

But we only had one and I probably needed at least 3 more.   


That’s when I had my epiphany. 

 I could use my go-to accessory.  It was sitting out in the garage and really hadn't been used in years.

Not since Gypsy.  

Introducing the Nerdling Squatty Potty Pogo Stick.   

Coincidentally, my rectal vault was full.

And, at the risk of getting too personal, I will answer the question you undoubtedly have in your heads.  

45 seconds.