Going Downhill Fast

Ladies.  Can we talk?

About a very annoying addition to the growing list of ways my body is falling apart changing as I age.

It’s called under-boob sweat.  Exacerbated by the endless string of 100+ degree days we have been enjoying in South Carolina.

Under-boob-sweat is new to me. 

And depressing.  My boobs used to be perky.  The never RESTED ON MY TORSO.

You know that old pencil trick?  Not that long ago I could place a pencil under my boobs and it would fall flat to the floor.

No longer true. 

In fact, who needs a pocket protector with these girls?  

They could hold multiple pencils and pens.

Even a curling iron.

Of course, I would never attempt such a trick, since all would be covered in sweat.  Within 10 minutes. 

My curling iron would be ruined.

I researched solutions to my condition and found that I am not alone in my suffering.  In fact, I was pleased to learn that there is a product available to help women suffering from under-boob-sweat: boob deodorant.

I ordered a tube of Fresh Body boob deodorant on Amazon.com.  It will arrive on Monday, which means only two more days of sweaty boobs.  

Then I started thinking.  What's next?  I have barely recovered from hot flashes.  Now I've got under-boob-sweat.

What if my next big thing is elbow-pit-sweat?  I've recently noticed the insides of my arms getting moist when I step foot outdoors in this sauna of a state we call South Carolina.  What if my elbow-pit sweating gets worse?

I can't stress about it.  I guess if they sell under-boob deodorant, they probably sell elbow-pit deodorant.

I'll worry about elbow-pit-sweat if and when it becomes a problem for me.

When I placed the under-boob deodorant in my shopping cart, Amazon suggested that I also consider purchasing Lady Anti-Monkey Butt Anti-Friction Powder.

OMG.  Is that what’s next? 

I don't care if there is a product available.

Monkey Butt will push me over the edge.  

I'll take under-boob sweat any day.

Too Famously Hot

On dictionary.com, pause is defined as “a momentary hesitation.”

Well, I don’t know about other women, but when my meno “paused,” it did not hesitate.  My meno slamed-on-the-freakin’-brakes.

One day I was an ordinary tampon consuming nerdling who was freezing all the time.   Overnight I became a former tampon consuming nerdling who was freezing almost all of the time.

Until a hot flash struck, turning me into, well, this:

And then back again into an icicle.  Covered in sweat.

This is particularly inconvenient in the summer.  In South Carolina.

And because I work in an office with air conditioning, I am forced to wear long sleeves.  And sweaters.  And socks. Year round.

With the help of my show shirt snuggi, which I keep in my igloo office, I am able to stay relatively comfortable, despite the A.C.

Until a hot flash hits.

Speaking of which, dictionary.com defines flash as “a very brief moment, instant” or, even more ironically, “a sudden, brief outburst or display of joy, wit, etc.”

I do not have hot flashes.   I have hot emissions.  Blow torching my body. 

And yes, they are sudden.  But they are not outbursts of joy.  

Or wit.

And if I happen to receive a hot emission on my 5 minute walk to/from my car when I’m dressed for winter in the middle of a famously hot Columbia, S.C. summer.

Well, let’s just say it ain’t a pretty sight. 

I will not even mention all the other lovely side-effects of meno-slam-on-the-freakin'-brakes.

You’re welcome.

Now, over the years I have poked fun at the Japan Trend Shop and their silly products.   

But they have really hit pay-dirt with their Air Conditioned Clothing line. 

Apparently, you just flick the switch and your body cools off, which is EXACTLY WHAT I NEED when one of my famously hot emissions emits.

What do you think?  Pretty snazzy, huh?  Then again, I'm thinking those pockets make my butt look big.  And it really doesn't match my show shirt snuggi.