Lightbulb Confusion

It’s not like me to procrastinate.  I was afraid.  Just thinking about what I had to do caused my heart to quicken.  

But it was time to face my fears.

I found a parking spot at Lowes and reluctantly left my car.  Walking very slowly.

I took a deep breath.  I could do it. 

With a sense of dread I entered the store. There it was.  Larger than life.  The length of 5 football fields.

The Light bulb aisle. 

Sweat formed on my brow as I pulled the sheet of paper from my pocket.  Type A.  40 watt.

Where, oh where were they hiding?

I was not alone in my misery.  There were other shoppers standing there.  Transfixed.  As if watching an episode of I am Cait on E! TV.

I began to methodically search the aisles.  Bottom to top.  One step to the right.  Top to bottom.  One step to the right.  Bottom to top.........

 Hours later I got to the end of the aisle and was getting hungry. 

I had no choice but to ask for help.  I stopped an employee. Let’s call him “Bruce.”

“Can you help me find a light bulb?” I asked politely.

“Sure.  LED or CFL?”  Bruce asked.

“Not the kind that looks like intestines," I said.  "I want one that looks like a light bulb.   You know?  Like an idea lightbulb.”

Bruce considered my answer.  “How many Lumens?”

Since I had no idea what a Lumen was, I said, “I guess 40.  Or 5,425.” 

Bruce nodded and asked me what it was for.   “Ooh-Ooh!  It’s for a lamp,” I said, pleased that I knew one of the answers. 

“Does it screw in or push into the socket?”  Bruce asked. 

I was back on thin ice. “You push it in and screw it.  Righty-tighty I think.  Because left- loosy would make it loose, right?”

Bruce nodded and started looking around to see if there were any other customers he could help.  Then I remembered the piece of paper in my pocket.

“Ooh-Ooh!”  I said, tapping on the paper.  “I need type A- 40 watt.”

Bruce walked down the aisle, reached up and handed me a light bulb that was, much to my delight, shaped like a light bulb.  “Here you go, Ma ‘am,” he said. 

“Thanks!” I said, as he started to walk away.   “Wait….I’ve got one more question for you.”
 
Then, sounding a lot like Jack Nicholson in Terms of Endearment Bruce said, “I was this close to a clean get-away.”

OK, so he didn’t really say that.  But he looked like he was thinking it.   Instead he said, “What?”

I said, “How many people does it take to change a light bulb?”  

He stopped in his tracks.  "How many?"

"Half as many as it takes to buy one."

One Leg Up

I admit it.  Sometimes my enthusiasm for projects causes me to jump in too fast.

Some might call me fearless.

Others may call me stupid.

But how difficult could it possibly be to make a lamp out of my new leg?  

Certainly, the hardest part would be finding a shoe that fit on her foot.  I mean, besides Barbie, whose foot is shaped like that? 

I tried on some of my own shoes. They looked ridiculous.

Before heading out to Warehouse Shoes with my leg, I decided to look in Kimmy’s room.  SCORE!

So I headed to Target to find the perfect lamp shade and then to the fabric center, where I found some lovely, funky red fringe that perfectly matched my leg’s new shoe. 

I was almost done!

I stopped at Lowes to pick up the other stuff.  You know, the cord and the thingee that holds the lamp shade on.  Oh, and the what-cha-ma-call-it.  You know....  That thing with the button that you push to turn the light on. 

I carried my leg into Lowes and asked the girl in the Lighting department to show me what I needed to buy in order to make a lamp out of my new leg.  She told me I would have to come back on Monday.  When the Electrician was there.  

WTH?

So I went to Home Depot.   A very nice guy, let’s call him “Joe”, directed me to the wall of lamp stuff.  But when I pulled out my leg, Joe immediately got on his walkie-talkie and called in the big gun, Herman. 

 “Hey Herman,” Joe said, pointing to my leg.  “This lady wants to make a lamp out of that leg.”

Herman and Joe circled my leg, touching it tentatively at first, then lifting and shaking it.  Well, not my real leg.  My new leg.
 
Did I mention that the top of my (new) leg was not level to the ground?  Apparently the slant makes the project significantly more complicated.

“Listen, lady” said Herman, shaking his head.  “That is not an easy project.”

Then they started their tech talk.  (They were probably trying to impress me.)  Dropping words like 3-way socket.  And threaded rod.  And lamp pipe.  

And electrocuted.

That’s when I had a scathingly brilliant epiphany. 

My leg would make a lovely vase!

But then again... 

Who says a lamp needs to light up?   

Those 5 Minutes

The shopping trip to Lowe’s Wednesday night was quite ordinary. 

Except for those 5 minutes.

I had been walking around the bathroom section looking for a cabinet I’d seen online.   Linda, who was just along for the ride, was getting bored and impatient.

 “Hurry up Mom.  It must not be here.”

“It’s here somewhere,” I said, as I wandered around, up and down every aisle that contained anything resembling a cabinet.   Linda followed me like a baby duck trailing her mother.  With her nose in her iPhone.

Then we heard some kind of ruckus coming from the front of the store.  It sounded like they were filming the Jerry Springer show in the paint section.  

Hey… this could be fun, I thought.

Except a Lowes' employee ran up to us and said, “Go to the back of the store!  Find a hiding place.” 
I looked at him dully, “What?” 

He said, “RUN!  NOW! Find a safe hiding place.  Go as far back in the store as you can get.”

We took off running.  We ran into the Netherlands of Lowes.  Where ordinary customers aren’t allowed.  Just the special ones who were told to go hide.

It was exciting.  We were hiding in Lowes!  

That is until I overheard another customer, who was hiding near us dial 9-1-1.  She whispered urgently into her phone, “We are in Lowes and somebody’s got a gun.”

That was news to me.  

Somebody had a gun.  OMG.  

The rational Lou thought that it was probably nothing.  

But then I remembered Sandy Hook Elementary School.  And that movie theatre in Aurora, Colorado.   And Virginia Tech.

Then I got scared.

Linda had been about 10 feet from me.  I motioned her to come over by me.  I put my arms around her and we tried to make ourselves invisible. 

But we were like fish in a barrel.  Our hiding place stunk.  We should have stayed in the bathroom section.  There were way better hiding places there.

After what seemed to be an hour, but was only 5 minutes, the other hiding customers waved us out.  We hesitantly walked back into the retail area.

The store seemed completely normal.  It was surreal.   Customers were looking at floor tiles.  And toilets.

I walked up to an employee and said, “Um, what just happened?”  He said, “I’m not sure.”   So I said, “Can you help me find a cabinet I saw online?”  

He did.

But I was way too wound up to purchase it.  We decided to leave the store.

Police cars were lined up in front of the store when we left.  Two officers were talking to the store manager.  We heard bits and pieces of the story.  Something about a fight breaking out and an overdose of testosterone. 

“Was there a gun?” asked one police officer.  “Oh, no,” said the manager.  “There was no gun.”

Over the past few nights I have had nightmares about those 5 minutes.  And I’ve come up with all kinds of hiding places just in case history repeats itself.  In a kitchen cabinet. Behind the lumber. In a trash can.  

My safe, suburban life has returned to normal. 

But those 5 minutes?  

Anything but.

Toilet Envy

I was overwhelmed. It was worse than picking out a toaster.

"Look at all these toilet seats!" There were 8 rows of 6 toilet seats in the "Fashion Bath" aisle at Lowes. That's 48 stinkin' toilet seats!!   

I was with Dave, who has no appreciation for good blog material. "Just pick one out," he said.

"I have to find someone to help, me!" I said, beginning to panic. "They all look the same!"  I started looking for an employee.

"Come on, Lou,” Dave said, beginning to lose his patience. “Just pick one! The Brewers are on in 30 minutes!"

"Ok. I can do this," I said, taking a deep breath.  "I'll use a process of elimination.  Get it?"

Dave ignored me.

"I want a white one." 

"That narrows it down to about 45," Dave groaned.

They had a few of those with cushiony seats. (You may have seen them in your grandparents' homes...they kind of feel like you’re sitting on a partially inflated inner tube... or a fresh bagel.)  One had a butterfly imprint. 

"No cushiony seats and no insects," I concluded.  "That leaves 41 to pick from."

I eliminated the wooden ones for obvious reasons (splinters).  Down to about 35.

Then I saw the latest in toilet seat technology: the QCS ("Quiet Close Seat"). You just give the seat a soft nudge when it’s in the upright position and it stealthily makes its way down...without a sound.

Score!

"I'll take this one," I announced. (Only the best for my hiney!)

I was so excited about our new high tech-toilet seat.  It was amazing!  In fact, I found myself lifting the seat before using it, just so I could observe the QCS in action.  

And you could literally hear a pin drop as the seat settled atop the toilet.

I couldn't have been prouder.

But then I heard about the Toto Washlet.  My stomach sunk as I read about this Japanese toilet:

Experience the ultimate in clean comfort with an automatic, hands-free flushing system and a sensor-activated lid that automatically lifts as you approach the toilet and lowers as you walk away.

Wait a minute!  I have to lift the lid on my QCS with my hand!  And nudge it to get it to close! I looked at my new toilet seat with disgust. 

As I continued reading, a bad case of toilet envy began to set in.

A convenient, easy-to-use remote control affords you effortless operation of our most luxurious Washlet model to date. The S400 offers the following features:

• Auto Flush Activated by Sensors or the Simple Touch of a Button
• Warm Air Drying with Variable Three-Temperature Setting
• Automatic Air Purifier
• Heated Seat with Temperature Control
• Convenient Wireless Remote Control with Large LCD Panel
• Docking Station for Easy Cleaning & Installation

I looked at my QSC accusingly.  "Why can't you heat my seat?"  

I kept reading:

• Gentle Aerated Warm Water
• Front and Rear Washing
• Massage Feature

Wait a minute, I thought.  Is this a toilet or a sex toy?

1. It gets it up without touching it 
2. It massages your "front and rear".

Now that's one very perverted potty!