Squeezing Blood from a Turnip

I'd been listening to the same "song" (and I use that term loosely) for nearly 20 minutes.  And it wasn't American Pie.  Or In A Gadda Da Vida.

I was on hold waiting to speak to a MoviePass concierge.

And I was prepared to give that concierge a piece of my mind.

That is, if he ever answered my call.

My conversation would go like this:

ME: Every time I attempt to use my MoviePass I get the same message.  It doesn't matter what theater I select.  I get the same message: There are no more screenings at this theater today.

ME (voice growing in intensity): This morning I noticed that there was a 1:00 screening of Green Book.  A movie I wanted to see!  So I made plans to see it.  But, when I went to check in to the movie, the screening was gone.  It had disappeared from my MoviePass app.  Vanished!                 

ME (taking deep breath): The app showed a 7:00 screening of Green Book so I rearranged my schedule so I could go to the 7:00 show.

CONCIERGE: So, what's the problem?

ME (in a growly voice): When I was getting ready to leave for the 7:00 movie I tapped the MoviePass app and got the message, "There are no more screenings at this theater today."  Poof!

At this point, Dave would interrupt my conversation.

DAVE: Tell him who you are.

ME (covering the phone): What?  Go away!

DAVE: Tell him that you're their most unprofitable customer.

ME: Shut up!  I'm trying to talk to the concierge!

DAVE: You drove them to bankruptcy.

ME: I did not.

CONCIERGE: What did he say?

DAVE (grabbing phone): She saw 75 movies in the past year.

CONCIERGE (irritated): So, it's her fault I'm losing my job?

DAVE: Yep.

CONCIERGE (even more irritated): And she's the reason that my 401K has the same value as a piece of wet toilet paper?!!!!

DAVE: Yep.

ME: Tell him that I want to see Green Book today or else I'm cancelling my MoviePass subscription.

DAVE: You already did.

ME: Oh, yeah.

Suddenly my imaginary conversation was interrupted.  

By the MoviePass concierge!!!!

CONCIERGE:  This is Marjorie, your MoviePass concierge.  This conversation will be recorded.  Tell me your name.

ME: Mary Lou Clyde

CONCIERGE:  This is Marjorie, your MoviePass concierge.  This conversation will be recorded.  Tell me your name.

ME (louder and walking closer to wifi router): Mary Lou Clyde.  Can you hear me????

CONCIERGE: This is Marjorie, your MoviePass concierge.  This conversation will be recorded.  Tell me your name.

ME (standing atop the wifi router): Mary Lou Clyde.  Please help me. Please, please, please don't hang up!

CONCIERGE: This is a bad connection.  Please try your call later.

Marjorie hung up.

I screamed.  My low blood pressure hit triple digits.  Kevin began to bark.  

I snatched the land line phone and redialed MoviePass.

MOVIEPASS: We are experiencing high call volume.  Please try your call later.

I reached for the refrigerator door, removed the box of Chardonnay, and poured myself a very well deserved glass of wine.

Dave commented that I should give up on MoviePass.

Are you kidding?

I've got 2 more movies to see before my account goes away on the 14th.  I think Green Book may be playing at Columbiana Grande tomorrow.

When in France....

For some unknown reason my kids don't like to be made fun of mentioned in my blog.

I'm fine with that.  I'll honor their ridiculous request.  Because that's what good Moms do.

Whatever.

So.  Um.  This post is not about Kimmy and Luke.  It has nothing to do with them.

This is simply a post with advice in case any of my readers travel to France.  

Not all French people are enamored with American tourists.  Many expect them to know their language.

So....if you happen to be visiting France, and wish to go out to dinner at a French restaurant, please consider the following words of wisdom:  

1. Learn one or two French words before your meal.  Besides baguette and Bordeaux.
2. Wait until the host seats you before marching into the restaurant and plopping down in a seat near the window.
3. If there is a candle on the table, and it is flickering, it is likely a real candle. With a flame.
4. Recognize that menus are flammable.
5. Do not set your menu on the candle.  It may burn.
6. If you notice your menu in flames, do not panic.  You may cause a scene.  Simply blow it out.
7. If you blow too hard you will feed the fire.  You may want to use water to extinguish the flames.
8. 
   If the menu sustains fire damage, do not set the rest of the menu on fire to hide the evidence.  You may set off the sprinkler system.  
9. When the waiter asks why you blew out the candle on your table, tell him, "No habla Franceis."  Do not show him the charred remains of the menu.
10. Even though it is not customary to tip in France, generously tip your waiter if you have destroyed his menu.

I hope you appreciate my advice, Luke and Kimmy readers.  Hopefully it will help prevent any more embarrassing situations in the future.