I was on hold waiting to speak to a MoviePass concierge.
And I was prepared to give that concierge a piece of my mind.
That is, if he ever answered my call.
My conversation would go like this:
ME: Every time I attempt to use my MoviePass I get the same message. It doesn't matter what theater I select. I get the same message: There are no more screenings at this theater today.
ME (voice growing in intensity): This morning I noticed that there was a 1:00 screening of Green Book. A movie I wanted to see! So I made plans to see it. But, when I went to check in to the movie, the screening was gone. It had disappeared from my MoviePass app. Vanished!
ME (taking deep breath): The app showed a 7:00 screening of Green Book so I rearranged my schedule so I could go to the 7:00 show.
CONCIERGE: So, what's the problem?
ME (in a growly voice): When I was getting ready to leave for the 7:00 movie I tapped the MoviePass app and got the message, "There are no more screenings at this theater today." Poof!
At this point, Dave would interrupt my conversation.
DAVE: Tell him who you are.
ME (covering the phone): What? Go away!
DAVE: Tell him that you're their most unprofitable customer.
ME: Shut up! I'm trying to talk to the concierge!
DAVE: You drove them to bankruptcy.
ME: I did not.
CONCIERGE: What did he say?
DAVE (grabbing phone): She saw 75 movies in the past year.
CONCIERGE (irritated): So, it's her fault I'm losing my job?
DAVE: Yep.
CONCIERGE (even more irritated): And she's the reason that my 401K has the same value as a piece of wet toilet paper?!!!!
DAVE: Yep.
ME: Tell him that I want to see Green Book today or else I'm cancelling my MoviePass subscription.
DAVE: You already did.
ME: Oh, yeah.
Suddenly my imaginary conversation was interrupted.
By the MoviePass concierge!!!!
CONCIERGE: This is Marjorie, your MoviePass concierge. This conversation will be recorded. Tell me your name.
ME: Mary Lou Clyde
CONCIERGE: This is Marjorie, your MoviePass concierge. This conversation will be recorded. Tell me your name.
ME (louder and walking closer to wifi router): Mary Lou Clyde. Can you hear me????
CONCIERGE: This is Marjorie, your MoviePass concierge. This conversation will be recorded. Tell me your name.
ME (standing atop the wifi router): Mary Lou Clyde. Please help me. Please, please, please don't hang up!
CONCIERGE: This is a bad connection. Please try your call later.
Marjorie hung up.
I screamed. My low blood pressure hit triple digits. Kevin began to bark.
I snatched the land line phone and redialed MoviePass.
MOVIEPASS: We are experiencing high call volume. Please try your call later.
I reached for the refrigerator door, removed the box of Chardonnay, and poured myself a very well deserved glass of wine.
Dave commented that I should give up on MoviePass.
Are you kidding?
I've got 2 more movies to see before my account goes away on the 14th. I think Green Book may be playing at Columbiana Grande tomorrow.
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