Wax Mouth Disguises

When I told my friend Becca that I was thinking about blogging about wax mouth disguises she looked at me like I'd grown another head.

"Come on!" I said in disbelief. "You never heard of wax lips? How about wax mustaches? Tell me you've never heard of wax buck teeth?"

She just shook her head pathetically, silently counting her blessings that she didn't know me as a child. She had never experienced this entertaining yet extremely functional "candy".

I did some wax lip research (because I'm a Nerdling, and that's what I do). I discovered that wax lips, like me, originated in Buffalo, NY! And here's what they say about Wack-o-wax lips on their web site:

Cherry-flavored Wack-O-Wax Lips encourage “play with your food” fun whenever the mood strikes. Whether at parties, holiday gatherings, or just goofing around with friends, they’re the all-time favorite “Play Now, Chew Later” wax treat.

The mood struck so I got my hands on a hodge-podge of wax delicacies, including Wack-O-Wax lips. I decided to conduct my own ethnographic research with this "Play Now, Chew Later" wax treat. Would my wax lips be an effective disguise? Would my neighbors recognize me at the pool? I put on my costume.

My husband convinced me not to leave the house. He told me I looked like Angelina Jolie's deceased great grandmother.

I disagreed. In fact I feared I was not sufficiently incognito with just the lips. I dug deeper in my box of baby boomer candy and came up with an enhancement to my disguise. Add the wax mustache.

Maybe it's me, but I think the wax mustache looks fake.

Down at the bottom of the barrel of baby boomer candy was the absolute perfect addition to my wax teeth disguise. I drilled a hole in my lips with a corkscrew and inserted a candy cigarette. Nobody would ever recognize me at the pool like this:

Except for one teeny tiny problem. I live in South Carolina. It's July. My lips will probably melt by the time I get there.

So I decided to advance from the "play now" to the "chew later" phase of the game.

It had been decades since I last chewed wax lips. And the only thing I remember about chewing wax lips is having a very sore jaw upon completion.

I took a bite. My Wack-O-Wax lips tasted like nasty cherry wax. Actually, let me amend that statement. They tasted like nasty Benedryl flavored cherry wax. I know they are edible, since the package has a nutritional label (15 calories). But try as I might, I could not bring myself to swallow the red waxy glop.

I guess I'll just pack up my wax lips disguise until it gets a bit cooler around here.... perhaps around the end of October (Halloween). Except for one other teeny tiny problem.