The following transcript, received from an anonymous source, is from a Medicare Supplement Planning meeting held sometime between 2004 and 2016 in Russia.
Please do not alert Robert Mueller. Or the FBI. I prefer to remain an anonymous whistleblower.
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PATRICK: Let's charge the people who contributed the most into the social security system 3.2 times the average premium.
CONSTANCE: Brilliant!
PATRICK: We have Plans A, B, C, D, F, K, and M. Do you think anyone will notice that we skipped a few letters?
KARL: Nah. By the time they finish reading the plan descriptions they'll forget their ABC's.
Indeterminate laughing.
KARL: Can we go back to the blood coverage for a minute?
CONSTANCE: What don't you get? Plan F covers the first 3 pints. Plans K and M cover 50% and Plan L covers 75%.
KARL: If someone in Plans K or M gets attacked by a mountain lion they could go bankrupt. Just sayin'.
CONSTANCE: If they don't die first!
Indeterminate laughing.
CONSTANCE: Now, we have room for one more plan. And remember. We're trying to maximize profits. And how do we do that?
KARL/PATRICK: By shortening lives.
CONSTANCE: Very good.
KARL: Plan F covers skilled nursing. How about a plan that covers unskilled nursing?
CONSTANCE: I like it! What else should it cover. Besides unskilled nursing?
PATRICK: How about free skydiving, bungee jumping, and flights on Southwest Airlines?
CONSTANCE: And discounts at Cracker Barrel and Pizza Hut.
KARL: Let's throw in Medical Marijuana. Just for grins.
CONSTANCE: That could work in our favor. Especially if they imbibe while skydiving. We need a name. D for (giggling) Death?
PATRICK: D's already taken.
CONSTANCE: Okay. K for Kill!
PATRICK: K's taken, too.
CONSTANCE: Shit! All the good ones are gone.
KARL: H isn't taken.
CONSTANCE: Plan H For Homicide. Now we need to come up with the premium.
PATRICK: Let's keep it simple. How about their monthly social security payment minus the square root of the sum of the digits in their social security number?
CONSTANCE: Perfect. Great job, team. Meeting adjourned.
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