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Why did the Scarecrow win the Nobel prize?
He was outstanding in his field.
And, for the record, that field was NOT gymnastics.
And, THIS Scarecrow cannot do a somersault onto the stage. Which is what the director wants her to do.
At the risk of sounding arrogant, I used to be quite gifted at somersaults. Forwards. Backwards. Sidewards. Any direction! In fact, I was a stinkin' somersault prodigy!
But that was decades ago.
And the stage is about as soft as a slab of concrete. If I do a somersault on that stage I really will have brain damage.
I’m sure I could do it if I trained hard enough. And if the stage was covered with a feather bed. And a stand-by ambulance was parked outside the theater.
Tiffany, of course, thinks this somersault will be a slam-dunk for me. She reminds me that I jump roped on a pogo stick in Gypsy a few years back.
But I wasn’t wearing a Scarecrow hat!
The thing is, I have to find a nimble, gymnasticky way to get from the corn field to the stage, which doesn’t involve crippling my neck in front of a live audience.
I really don't want to upstage Dorothy, but I have no choice.
I’ll have to do my back handspring.
I don't know about you, but I’m getting tired of the same old boring product line at Victoria's Secret.
Sure they sell Cheekies, Cheekinis, and V-Strings.
But I have not seen one stinkin' fundoshi on their shelves.
Even the Japan Trend Shop, which is not exactly your go-to source for lingerie, sells Fundoshi Panties Loincloth Underwear for Women.
Traditionally, fundoshi are worn by sumo wrestlers, but there is a growing movement in Japan to "reclaim them as the undergarments of choice for regular folk too."
Maybe Victoria's Secret didn't get the memo. You don't have to be a sumo wrestler to wear a fundoshi!
Unfortunately, fundoshi are not cheap: $100 for 2-pack set on the Japan Trend Shop web site.
Way out of my blog budget.
The good news is that I had the perfect purple pillow case in my linen closet waiting for the opportunity to be transformed into a piece of sexy lingerie.
I was able to replicate the Fundoshi Panties Loincloth on the Japan Trend Shop. And my Nerdling Fundoshi is, indeed, quite comfortable.
But, I'm sorry. I do NOT feel at all like a sumo wrestler while sporting my fundoshi. I needed the real thing, not some girlie clone.
To that end, I googled "how to make a fundoshi" and found these step by step instructions:
So I cut up another purple pillow case and went to work.
OMG.
It was like a damn IQ test. But after 2 Advil and a glass of wine I was successful.
Lou. Sumo-Warrier Princess.
I'm way too sexy for my fundoshi.
Oh. I heard Victoria's Secret is looking for new models. Don't hold breath, Victoria.
I'm not sure you can afford me.
When I first heard about the widespread outbreak of Nasolabial Folds in today's society I was distraught.
Admittedly, I had no early earthly idea what Nasolabial Folds were. Or even where they could be found. If I were to guess, I would say they would best be treated by a Gynecologist.
A Google search taught me that Nasolabial Folds are smile lines, similar to those sported by the Cowardly Lion. Thankfully, I don’t have Nasolabial Folds.
At least I didn’t think I did.
I went to the bathroom mirror, just to be certain. Whew. No Naslolabial Folds to be found.
Then, just for grins, I put on my reading glasses.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
My face shows the beginning of Nasolabial Folds. Which would not be a problem if everyone I hung out with had eyesight like mine.
But they don’t.
Thank God for the newest product on the Japan Trend Shop web site: Houreisen Tsumamin Smile Lines Clip Nasolabial Fold Cheek Anti-aging Exercise Tool.
According to the product description, all I have to do is fit this contraption onto my upper lip and wear it for 10 minutes a day!
That's amazing!
No more Cowardly Lion for me!
Except it costs $70 plus shipping.
Now, I do recognize that the Houreisen Tsumamin Smile Lines Clip probably costs way less than plastic surgery, but $70 for a binder clip is a lot of money.
To that end, I decided to make my own Nerdling Smile Lines Clip.
Oh... about those binder clips? I have one word.
Ouch.
So off I went to the Dollar Store in search of the perfect Nerdling Smile Lines Clip.
I test drove an assortment of chip clips. I was quite disappointed when the Lip Chip Clip didn’t work.
That would have been serendipitous. Actually, more like serenlipitous.
Sorry, couldn’t resist.
At the risk of being considered myopic in my lip clip engineering, I also test drove some hair clips and discovered that there is actually something more painful than a binder clip on your lip.
I finally arrived at the perfect Nerdling Smile Lines Clip.
And I'm happy to report that after 10 minutes, my Nasolabial Folds were completely gone.
But unfortunately, they migrated to my lips.
Am I the only one who gets creeped out by people who save their kids' baby teeth as some kind of sick keepsake?
Ick.
But you know what's worse than saving your kids' teeth?
Saving your cat's teeth. And storing them in a special box that's for sale on the Japan Trend Shop web site.
The Cat Milk Tooth Storage Box was uniquely designed for storing your cat's baby teeth and KEEPING OUT MOLD. I didn't even know that teeth could mold.
OMG. I'm going to barf.
Seriously.
But you know what's worse than saving your cat's teeth?
Saving your cat's whiskers. And storing them in a special box that's for sale on the Japan Trend Shop web site.
The Be-Glad Cat Whiskers Case has been specifically developed for storing whiskers and "is the ideal size for long cat beards". (suppress urge to gag).
Its snug lid will keep out mold and humidity.
Apparently whiskers can mold, too?
I feel the need to take a long, hot shower.
I did a bit of research on this whole cat whisker collecting thing and was surprised to find a Facebook community for cat whisker collectors.
Here's a post from one collector who was very happy to find a whisker from Mister Thundercheese in her bed.
Isn't that special?
And I also learned that the world record for the largest cat whisker collection is held by Karen Judkis of New Jersey, who has 1,261 whiskers.
I think Karen may need at least 2 or maybe even 3 Be-Glad Cat Whisker Cases to store her collection.
But you know what? To each his own. I mean who am I to judge others?
Besides...
It could be worse.
