Tuesday, January 1, 2013

The Untold Stories

I was an innocent victim.
I fell asleep watching What Not To Wear and wake up watching...what the heck is that?  Maggots oozing out from between the fingers of a baby?

What am I watching?

The scene changes to a hospital room where a witch doctor is doing an exorcism on some woman's liver.

Oh.  I get it.  I must be watching Untold Stories of the E.R.!

I saw this show a few years ago.

In that episode, a man had fallen from a hot air balloon or something, onto a tree limb. He walk into the ER with a 3 foot jagged branch sticking out of both sides of his neck. The untold doctors and nurses somehow managed to save his life.

They interviewed the doctor who treated him. "He's not out of the woods yet," he said.

With a straight face.

Clearly the show reenacts the untold stories.   And, at the risk of sounding like a theatre snob, I don't think the "tree in neck" actor was very good.

Come on!  If I had a tree hanging out of my neck, I'd look more like this:

Or this.

Just for fun, I did some research about other episodes of Untold Stories of the E.R.  Oh how I wish I'd seen the "eyeball popping out of the socket" episode. Or the man with the live catfish in his throat.  And the camping stove stuck to some guy's penis?  The nude man who fell on a cactus? 

Now that's entertainment.

OMG.  I just had a scathingly brilliant idea.  I should go on Untold Stories of the E.R.!  They could reenact my saran wrap accident!

Who am I kidding?  It's all about ratings.   My saran wrap accident wasn't nearly exciting enough for Untold Stories of the E.R..

Unless I enhanced it.

Maybe if I cut my jugular on a box of saran wrap.  While riding my unicycle!

I think I need an agent.

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