Monday, October 24, 2016

The History of Havelock

I know that this may surprise my readers, but I fancy myself somewhat of a history buff.

Stop laughing.  Especially you guys from Niagara Wheatfield who observed me sleeping though History class.

OK, so maybe I’m not in the same league as Mel Brooks.  But I do love the soundtrack to Hamilton. 

At any rate, here is your first Nerdling History lesson.

The year is 1707.  The founding fathers of the small settlement in Eastern North Carolina are concerned about containing the growth of their community and keeping the commoners out.  

They hold a secret meeting on a plot of land that will someday be home to The Dollar Store.

“We have to find a forgettable name for our community,” said Obadiah.  “One that the riffraff will forget.”

“How about Yearjust?” suggested Absolom.  

Too memorable,” said Obadiah.  “I like Withwere.  Withwere, North Carolina.”

“Better, but we need something more obscure,” said Jedidiah.  “I've got it: Havelock.  Nobody will remember Havelock.”   

They nod in agreement, and snicker in unison.  They name their settlement Havelock, North Carolina.

And more than 300 years later I say to Dave, “Can you book us a hotel in Headlock?”


“You know.  That place where Linda’s stationed.  It’s not Headlock?” 

“No.  Guess again.”


“No." He tries to give me a hint. "Do you have a lock on your head?”  

“What?  I already said Headlock.”  (I was beginning to get irritated.)

He tried again.  “Do you HAVE a lock on your head?”



When we arrived at the Dreadlock Holiday Inn Express I understood why I was having such a hard time remembering the city.  It’s really kind of unmemorable. 

There’s no Target in Landlock.  Only WalMart and a Dollar Store.  And, not surprisingly, there are quite a few gun stores in Padlock.

NO!  It’s Havelock.  

I have a mental block against that stupid word.  I decided to google Havelock.  Maybe if I learned more about it, the name would sink into my brain.

I was shocked to learn that Havelock is named after Sir Henry Havelock.   

I know what you’re thinking.  Who the hell is Sir Henry Havelock?

Apparently Sir Henry Havelock was a British General known for his recapture of Cawnpore from rebels during the Indian Mutiny of 1857.

OK, but what does Sir Henry Havelock have to do with North Carolina?   


I guess I my history lesson wasn’t that far off.   

 “How about Gereral Washington?” suggested Absolom.  

“Too memorable.  I like Lafayette,” said Obadiah.  “Lafayette, North Carolina.”

“Better, but still easy to remember,” said Jedidiah.  “I've got it: Havelock.  Nobody will remember Havelock.”   

Friday, October 14, 2016

Jeepers Creepers

Kimmy wasn't nearly as impressed with my new sunglasses as I was.  

"Where did you get those?" she asked.  '

"At a VERY upscale store in Snowmass Village," I said, a wee bit defensively.

"I hope you didn't pay too much," she said, just as Dave rounded the corner sporting his own pair, purchased from the same rack.

She groaned audibly.

"Dad.  You do know those are women's glasses, don't you?"

Dave shrugged his shoulders and said, "They were the cheapest ones on the rack."

"You look like an Aspen Drag Queen." she observed.  

I laughed.

"But they look better than Mom's,"

What?  Dave's Aspen Drag Queen women's sunglasses look better than my uber-cute big-ass Teal sunglasses? 

I had a flash back.  I was about ten years old and looked like this.

And I saw the cutest pair of sunglasses.  Ever.

I begged my Mom to buy them for me.

"They're silly, Mary Lou," my Mom said.   "Why would you want those?"

I told her they were the coolest sunglasses I had ever seen and I JUST. HAD. TO. HAVE. THEM.

And I begged and begged and begged and begged and begged and somehow I wore her down.

And I looked like this.

Wearing my miniature television screen sunglasses.

I didn't care if anyone else thought they were stupid. 

I loved them!

And I don't care if Kimmy doesn't like my new uber-cute big-ass Teal sunglasses.  I love them.

Perhaps she would prefer my other pair.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

My Shiney Hiney

When one suffers from TRA (Tyrannosaurus Rex Arms) it is difficult to reach certain parts of one's body.  I desperately needed help.

My friend Chris strongly recommend the My Shiney Hiney.  He said it changed his life by allowing him to keep his hiney clean.  But, then again, his arms are way longer than mine.  I was reluctant to take the plunge without first doing some homework.

I searched online and to my relief, discovered a Genuine Honest review for the My Shiney Hiney.

OMG.  It sounds too good to be true!

"My Shiney Hiney is a personal body cleaning system that guarantees to reach the most hard to reach areas of your body to give you 100% hygienic cleansing."

100% hygienic cleansing?!!!!  But will it make me feel sexy and confident?

"My Shiney Hiney proclaims to be easy to use and show quick results to make you feel sexier and confident with the new spic and span feel"

Wow! Spic and span feel?  I want that.  I wonder how My Shiney Hiney works.

"To give you the satisfaction of wholesome body cleansing, My Shiney Hiney brush set convinces to have an ergonomically-designed applicator brush that is curved to access the most inaccessible personal areas of the body."

The most inaccessible personal areas of my body?  I wonder if it will reach my hiney.  

And what if I want a more "intimate" cleanse?

"My Shiney Hiney also maintains to a finger brush to provide an absolutely intimate cleanse."

That finger brush looks just like my dog Kevin's toothbrush.  Can I use that?  

And my hiney doesn't always smell like roses.  Will it smell better after using My Shiney Hiney?

"It's cleansing cream gets rid of odor and impurities and moisturizes and conditions your skin to give you hygienic as well as a refreshed cleansing."

I'm still not convinced. Wouldn't shower gels work just as well?

"All the perfumed shower gels and scrubs couldn't make you feel a cent percent cleansed."

But my Bath and Body Works gels come in some great scents! 

"My Shiney Hiney assures to have three unique scents in the creams- Lemon Verbena, Citrus Gigner, and Passion Fruit, each cleansing and relaxing your skin."

I'm not familiar with Citrus Gigner.  It sounds exotic.  

Now, this is kind of embarrassing, but my hiney is really tan from all the visits I've made to nude beaches.  I wish that the My Shiney Hiney could lighted my embarrassing tan lines.

"My Shiney Hiney alleges to have a Whitening Cream that has a blend of ingredients to lighten dark skin and given an even skin tone."

The truth is that as a result of all those visits to nude beaches, my hiney has a lot of anxiety.  I just wish it would calm the hell down.

"My Shiney Hiney Whitening Cream claims to make your skin smoother and softer and its gentle ingredients calm your skin."

My Shiney Hiney sounds better than sliced bread!

But, wait a minute.  

My Shiney Hiney costs $19.98.  

That's a lot of money when I can make my own.  All I need is a few ordinary household items.

And Ta-Da!!!!  Introducing the Nerdling My Shiny Hiney.  No...

My Glassy Assy. 

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Tyrannosaurus Rex Arms

I used to think that my inability to touch my toes in gym class had to do with flexiblity.  Or lack thereof.  True, I'm inflexible, but the underlying issue is my TRA.  Tyrannosaurus Rex arms.

Linda has just the opposite problem: gorilla arms.  She can scratch her ankle without bending her knees.

I became aware of this contrast when the girls were in school and had to abide by a dress code requiring their skirts to be no shorter than their fingertips.

As a result, Linda dressed like a Puritan, whereas I would be allowed to go to Middle School dressed like a street walker. 

Even with TRA I've always been able to scratch my back.  But now that I've torn my Rotator Cuff?  Impossible.

Which puts me in the market for a Back Scratcher.  I started my search on Amazon.  

I ask.  Why should cats have more options for scratching their backs than I?

Not to mention the fact that all the "people" Back Scratchers were boring.  Certainly no Barbie Back Scratchers to be found.

I decided to make my own.

I assembled four contestants for my Barbie Back Scratch Pageant Contest.

It's a little known fact that Barbie feet make excellent Back Scratchers. Unfortunately, Handicapped Barbie was quickly eliminated, since she has no feet.

Then there were three.

Pooper Scooper Barbie refused to remove her shoes so I gave her the boot.

Then there were two: Makeover Barbie  and Barbie with the Reattached Head that won't go all the way on.

I held a Back Scratch Off and it was no contest.

(Let's just say that Pooper Scooper Barbie should get a job at the Food Lion spa.)

Barbie with the Reattached Head has earned the position of Nerdling Back Scratcher.  

And it's a good thing she uses her feet.

Because her arms are really short.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Sneaking a Bite

An 11:00 Dentist appointment.  What was I thinking? 

I usually schedule my dental cleanings at 7:00 so the hygienist can cut right to the chase without having to deal with stray breakfast particles that have evaded a toothbrush. 

How could I possibly make it until 11:00 without eating?

I know what you’re thinking.  Brush your teeth before you leave for the Dentist!

But you don’t understand.  I’m not like most people.  I don’t have A toothbrush.

Think bigger. 

More like a Janitorial Cleaning cart:   Toothbrush, proxy brush, surface brush, dental floss, Sonic toothbrush, sandblaster, baking soda, tiny dwarfs with pick axes, toothpaste and mouthwash.  

My bedtime oral hygiene process is epic. 

I arrived at work at 7:00 on Wednesday with very clean teeth. I had skipped breakfast in preparation for my Dentist appointment.

By 7:30 I was hungry.   At 8:00 my stomach growled.  By the time 9:00 came I was full-out starving and getting hangry.

Then I got the email about Free Muffin Day in our corporate cafeteria.

It was unprecedented.  They never have free anything day at the cafeteria.  This was a huge deal. Free muffins!

It I ate a muffin I would deflower my pristine teeth. 

Perhaps it was divine intervention. Suddenly I had a flashback to 9th grade biology.  A chapter on Genetics. 


I have the “roll your tongue” gene. 

Perhaps if I placed a tiny piece of muffin atop my tongue and exercised said genetic talent, my teeth would be protected from malicious muffin particles.

My stomach growled in anticipation as I stealthily closed my office door and opened the Styrofoam container.  I picked off a minuscule piece of muffin and placed it atop my tongue. 

Then I expertly rolled my tongue into a burrito.

I closed my eyes, moaning with pleasure. 

It was delicious.  Just the nourishment I needed to get me to the dentist without passing out behind the wheel, becoming yet another S.C. highway statistic.

I told Sue, the hygienist, about Free Muffin Day and how I was able to resist the urge to undermine my untainted teeth.  I could tell she was impressed.

I opened my mouth wide, so she could begin her torture session my cleaning.

I was proud of myself.  

I had found a way to safely sate my appetite, leaving my teeth unscathed.  Thanks to my genetically superior tongue.

So proud.


 "Looks like it was Free Blueberry Muffin Day in your cafeteria," Sue said.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

How to prevent a torn Rotator Cuff

As a celebrity public figure blogger, I have the responsibility to give back to my fans readers family.  And I take that responsibility seriously.

Here you go. 

How to prevent a torn Rotator Cuff.

  1.  If you are over the age of fifty, do not go to a Trampoline Park with your children and act like you are sixteen again.
  2. Stay away from balance beams.  Especially those that are no wider than dental floss.
  3. If you find yourself on a balance beam the width of dental floss, attempt to hold on to the loops suspended from the ceiling.  They are there to help you maintain your balance.
  4. If, when you grab for one of the loops, it begins to swing like a pendulum, be patient.  Wait until it returns to the center, or at least within reach, before attempting to grab it again.
  5. If attempting to grab for the loop causes you to further lose your balance, simply fall into the pond beneath the balance beam.  It is full of foam bricks.  That prevent injury.
  6. If, when falling, you lack the wherewithal to aim for the pond of foam bricks, do now throw your body backwards, toward the edge of the foam filled pond.  It is made of cement.  Not foam.
  7.  If you fall backwards toward the cement edge of the foam filled pond, do not put your arm out to break your fall.
  8. If you put an arm out to break your fall as you are falling backwards toward the cement edge of the foam filled pond and you are left handed, put out your right hand.
  9. If you are left handed and fall off a balance beam onto the cement edge of a foam filled pond and break your fall with your damn left hand, go home.  Do not move on to the Ninja Warrior Obstacle course.
  10. Ignore your husband when he says, "I told you so."
You're welcome.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Stopping the Wine

Can you believe I have lived 39 years without owning a wine stopper?

How dare you question my math.

I’ve always just used the cork.  (Or the screw top.) 

Now I have a fancy wine stopper.  Made of a rock.

Don't get me wrong.  It's a very pretty rock. From New Hampshire.

Truth be told, I never thought much about wine stoppers before.  But after examining my fancy new rock wine stopper I had a scathingly brilliant idea.

I can design my own!

For fun people.  Like me.

But before I started designing my Nerdling Wine Stopper I decided to do my own research.  I mean, what’s worse than designing something that’s already been designed?

And I am FULL of good ideas about Wine Stopper design.  

In fact, I can't believe I never thought of designing a wine stopper before!  My first idea was a banana wine stopper.  How fun would that be?

Damn!  It's taken.

Oh well.  I've got a zillion more ideas.  Like a wine stopper made out of a giraffe.  They have long necks, just like wine bottles!


Certainly nobody has invented Chicken wine stoppers.  I mean, how fun would it be to stick a chicken's head into the top of your wine bottle!!!!


Please don't tell  me my Barbie Doll wine stopper idea is taken.

For crying out loud. Maybe I'll just stick my finger in the stinkin' bottle.

At least it's the pointer finger.

I guess the market for fun wine stoppers is pretty well saturated.  Unless...

I give up.