Friday, May 31, 2013

Protecting Privacy

I don't get it. 

All I did was post an absolutely adorable picture of  "someone" on Facebook from about 23 years ago.  

When she was about 1.  And she had a few folds in her thighs.  And a bit of a pudgy pouch.  And a scratch on her cheek, that probably came from my toenail.  

(Don't judge.  Tell me you never played leg-jail with your kids.) 

In an effort to protect her privacy, let's call that someone "Svetlana".

So I posted the picture on Facebook with a comment, "Lou thinks that Svetlana looked like a sumo wrestler in this photo."   

And I tagged her.

Now.  Even though Sveltana lives on the other side of the world in Australia

Wait a minute.  I should probably protect Sveltana's privacy. 

Even though Sveltana lives on the other side of the world in Timbuktu, and it was the middle of the damn night in Timbuktu, Svetlana called me within 30 seconds of my posting the of the precious picture.

"Mom, take that down.  Now.  Or I will un-friend you."

"But I've already gotten 3 likes!"

"MOM!  I mean it."

I grudgingly deleted the posting.  I guess it was wrong of me to assume Svetlana would want my friends to see just how stunning she was as a sprout. 

I suppose I must respect her modesty.

I wonder how often Sveltana reads my blog.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

The Lethargic Face

It was a remarkable coincidence.  Dave had just commented that my face did not appear energetic.  

I was crushed.  Who wants a lethargic face?

So you can imagine my excitement when I saw the Facewaver Exercise Mask on the Japan Trend Shop web site.

"Facewaver Exercise Mask Beauty Skin Sag Face Stretcher  stretches and tightens the face and cheeks, kneading out wrinkles, lines and sag. Just five minutes a day and your face will appear more youthful and energetic."

OMG.  My face will not only appear more energetic,  but more youthful!

But at $59 (plus shipping and handling), the Facewaver Exercise Mask is a bit out of my beauty budget.  

Yes, I understand that it is considerably less expensive than plastic surgery. 

But it's even more economical to make your own!

I carefully inspected the Facewaver Exercise Mask on the Japan Trend Shop web site and noticed that it looked remarkably similar to an ace bandage.

Admittedly, a pink ace bandage.  But definitely an ace bandage.

(They don't call me a stinkin' engineering genius for nothing.)

So I went to the Dollar Store.

Sadly, the Dollar Store does not sell ace bandages.  

But WalMart does.  And I made my own Nerdling Facewaver Exercise Mask.


You know what?

I feel minutes younger.  And my face has so much energy I could...well, I could eat a pomegranate!

But a true marketing genius finds ways to re-purpose products.  And since the 4th of July is right around the corner, it makes perfect sense to convert the Nerdling Exercise Mask into a...

Nerdling ThunderShirt for Kevin.

I'm going to start working on my campaign right away. 

Target market: people with unenergetic faces who own dogs that are afraid of thunderstorms and fireworks.

I know what you're thinking.  

Thank you.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

The Faster Change

There are limits to what can be expected of an actor. 

Especially when it comes to fast changes.  

During the first act of Miss Saigon I have 6 costume changes, the most disconcerting of which involves my transformation from Viet Cong soldier to refugee.

In under 60 seconds.

As a Viet Cong soldier in Morning of the Dragon, I march and lunge my way across the stage with about 15 other insurgents, looking barbaric, and frightening audience members with our costumes and choreography.  

Our blood red do-rags heighten the terror. 

At the end of the scene, I march off stage left and have about 30 seconds to remove the do-rag and the top half of the Viet Cong uniform (which cleverly hides my refugee shirt) and re-enter stage right.

Where I get to take a much needed onstage nap.

I play a Vietnamese homeless person during that scene.  (I was hoping to push on a shopping cart, but our director, Jamie, nixed the idea.  I thought it might add to the ambiance, but what do I know?)

A few nights ago, Jamie told me to take off my wig during the Morning of the Dragon scene.  I was to wear the do-rag directly over my wig cap. 

(According to Jamie, the Viet Cong did not sport big Cher hair and my do-rag does not adequately disguise my curls.

I began to panic.  I barely had time to take off the do-rag and remove my uniform, how could I possibly put my Cher wig back on in time for my nap?  When I told Jamie of my predicament she said, "Just grab a rice hat."


I felt certain Jamie hadn't thought this through.  I attempted  to explain to her the geometry of sleeping with a rice hat on one's head.  More specifically, setting my head on the rice hat would cause it to rise to an angle of approximately 170 degrees.


Which would completely expose my wig cap. 

My baldy head.

(Not to mention the fact that my Cher wig made such a nice pillow.  How could I be expected to sleep on the street without a pillow?) 

And let's not forget the credibility issue with the audience!  I suppose it's possible that Vietnamese refugees could get Cancer, but could they really afford Chemotherapy?

You know what Jamie said next"Lie down and put the rice hat over your head."

Like a sombrero? 

Hello!  Jamie, this is Vietnam!  Not Mexico.

Plus, I have to sit up on stage when the police guy enters the scene. 

Being the professional actor that I am, I have devised a way to shield my baldy head from the audience.
Now if I could just figure out how to smuggle a pillow onstage.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

The Note

The director's note was shocking.  Scandalous.  Audacious.

For those of you unfamiliar with theatre, notes are directors' feedback to actors following a rehearsal.   

Things like, "Frank, raise your leg higher in the kick line."  And "Lou, your wig was on upside down in the wedding scene."

But this particular note was disgraceful.  Downright demeaning.

"Shirley, make sure you don't hike your boobs up too high.  They were getting pushed out of the corset and all I could stare at were your boobs popping over the top. Yes, they are nice, but I want to listen to your words in Movie in My Mind."

If I'd gotten such a note I would have crawled into my armpit.  Without passing Go.

(That being said, it would be quite unlikely for me to ever receive such a note.  A more likely note would have been, "Lou, make sure your boobs are not too low.  I see them slipping beneath your corset.  Tie those girls in place.  They are not nice.")

Shirley, on the other hand, did not crawl into her armpit.  

She loved the director's note so much she made it into a song.  To the tune of Movie in My Mind.

Shirley is amazing.

So amazing I decided that she must make a guest appearance in Notes From A Nerdling.   

And here it is: Shirley's Song 

I'm so impressed, that I've invited Shirley to the next meeting of the Nerdling Honor Society.

She'd better not dress like a slut.  

I have a reputation to protect.


Friday, May 3, 2013

Grab Your Grappa!

Hurricane season is around the corner and the experts predict that this year's season could be a bumpy ride, with the Atlantic region seeing  four major hurricanes.

And I'm going to be prepared for the worst, thanks to the Japan Trend Shop's newest product. 

Sadly, the Grappa Eco Shopping Bag was not developed in time for the devastating earthquake and tsunami that killed thousands of innocent people in Japan in 2011.

One can only guess how many lives could have been saved, had the victims been toting Grappa Eco Shopping Bags.

This foldable, re-usable shopping bag doubles up as head protection in the event of an emergency. 

Yes.  You heard right.  The Grappa Eco Shopping Bag is re-usable

That means I could use my Grappa Eco Shopping Bag for multiple disasters!  Bring on the stinkin' hurricane!  Who's afraid of an earthquake?  
Not me!   

 I may even try out for Roller Derby! 

I will be ready for anything, with my Grappa Eco Shopping Bag!

OMG.  I just had an epiphany.  Once I get my Grappa Eco Shopping Bag, I will finally be able to master the unicycle.  As much as I hate to admit it, I have not ventured beyond safety of the carpet in my hallway on my unicycle. 

And, at the risk of sounding pathetic, I've been afraid of cracking my head open and sustaining permanent brain damage. 

Now all I need to do is to wear my Grappa Eco Shopping Bag, mount my unicycle and...

On second thought, maybe I should wait for Grappa to release a Full-Body version of their Eco Shopping Bag.