Foot in Mouth Disease

Most people make this mistake just once in their life time. They learn their lesson.

Not me.

I should have known better. I was driving down my street and saw my neighbor reaching into her mail box wearing what appeared to be a maternity top.

I rolled down my window and the 6 words flew out of my mouth, before my brain had the opportunity to restrain them.

“I didn’t know you were pregnant!!!”

As the unfortunate words left my lips, Allison turned to face me. By the time the word “pregnant” had come out of my big, fat, idiotic mouth, I knew she wasn’t.

And her response was unnecessary.

“I’m not”.

Then my lips began to move again and random words flew out: “ … maternity…. top… flowy….”

Allison said flatly, “This is just a t-shirt”.

I mumbled, "It looked exactly like a maternity top," as I stepped on the gas and got the heck out of Dodge.

I felt AWFUL! I probably made her cry. I may have ruined her entire day...month...year!  She probably turned to alcohol or drugs to get over the trauma.

And believe it or not, it wasn’t as bad as the first time I made this mistake. Flash back about 25 years. I was in an elevator. It stopped and a co-worker entered, wearing a maternity top.

I said, “I didn’t know you were pregnant, Nancy!”

She said, “I’m not”

Then my IQ dropped to new lows.  I said, “GET OUTTA HERE!”  After she denied her pregnancy for the second time, I came to my senses and the random words flew out “maternity….top… flowy….”  It I was truly pathetic.

(Note: the picture to the right illustrates another form of elevator embarrassment,  which I have never experienced.  I am far too lady-like for such behavior.)

Getting back to my story... How could I have made that same egregious error twice in my life?  

What if  this is a pattern!  Am I going to do this every 25 years? 

I can just see it!

Fast forward to 2037. I see my neighbor Betty in the bingo room at Murky Moments Retirement Home. Perhaps it’s a fan that causes her blouse to billow, or maybe she’s just eaten too many servings of banana pudding.

"Betty! I didn't know you were pregnant!"

Seriously. I don't know how I can ever face my neighbor again. And Kevin and I walk by her house EVERY DAY on our walks.  

This'll work:

They don't call me a stinkin' genius for nothin'.