Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Prodigious PABilities

When Becca asked me to be her PAB ("Personal Assistant to the Bride"), I envisioned my role as somewhat of a "figurehead". Kind of like Queen Elizabeth.

Or Andre Bauer.

Or a combination of them.

But when push came to shove, I was actually more like the Road Runner than either.

My first mission: The Getaway Car. The day before the wedding, Becca's sister Robin "deputized me" (her exact words). "You know... make a Just Married sign, and hang tin cans off the back of the car. Something vintage."  Then she added..."Not tacky."

I got right to work, strategically making tuna fish sandwiches and cranberry sauce for lunch.   The resulting 3-can arrangement looked stark, so I threw in a Diet Coke can and a couple of orphan sneakers I’d found in the garage.

Just to be safe I took a whiff. (Wouldn't want it to be "tacky", right Robin?)

It was a work of art. In fact just looking at it brought a tear to my eye. 

I was one Proficient PAB.

Next I found the Wedding Director, gave a salute and said, "PAB Lou, reporting for duty."

Geesh.  Did she ever put me to work.  Heavy duty.

"Lou, take the handkerchiefs to the groomsmen."
"Lou, find Becca's Dad"
"Lou, why is that flower girl in her bare feet?"

About 30 minutes before the wedding started it got even crazier. 

"Lou get the ushers and put them to work"
"Lou, bring the parents. STAT!" 

My adrenaline was pumping. This was more exciting than a 5-star soduku!

(I took a breather during the most excellent wedding ceremony ever!)

Then it was the photographer who took command.

"Lou, bring me the flower girls."
"Lou, find Becca's Aunt Janet"

Then came the ultimate challenge: my own, personal Mount Everest, nearly impossible to achieve.

"Lou, round up the Kelly's"
"All of them?"
I gulped. "Crap!   I mean, Aye Aye M'aam."

Seriously? There were scores of Kelly's around. And they were elusive. When the ceremony ended they had scattered like a bunch of kids playing freeze tag. 

I regret to say that I could only find 43 of the 44 Kelly's.  (The MIA brother apparently had left church in search of the marriage license.)

But you know what?  I'm okay with that.  Thomas Edison failed more than 1,000 times when trying the create the light bulb.  Heck, I scored 97.7% on my first attempt!

And overall, I was quite proud of my Prodigious PABilities. 

Seriously, I don't think Queen Elizabeth would last 5 minutes as a PAB.  She's not nearly nimble enough.

But you know what?  Andre probably would make a good PAB.  Rumor has it he can move pretty fast.

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