Friday, October 28, 2011

Improper Intervals

I have never had a root canal.  I imagine such a procedure could be a wee bit more painful than a musical audition.  But, not by much.

There's something about standing on a stage with a number straight-pinned to my chest, singing 16 bars of a song to a room full of humanity that makes me want to crawl into my stinkin' armpit.  "Hello my name is Lou Clyde and I'm going to be singing 'Sponge Bob Square Pants', from…. Sponge Bob Square Pants." 

I actually just thought of something less enjoyable than musical auditions: cleaning vomit out of the side pocket of my car when my sick daughter doesn't have the where-with-all to tell me to pull the car over when she's about to puke.

Yeah.  That's worse than musical auditions.  But, not much worse.

Thank God  I will NEVER have to worry about musical auditions again! 

No, don't worry!  I haven't given up auditioning!  I'm getting my very own Beauty Voice Trainer.  And it's going to give me the dulcet voice I've always wanted.

In just 5 minutes a day.

I know what you're thinking.  Is this a Japanese product? 

Of course it is.

The Beauty Voice Trainer is a cutting-edge innovation.  According to the advertising materials, the system works in three ways: First, the specially designed mouthpiece positions the tongue to open the voice passage, allowing a much stronger sound. 

Secondly, it helps with abdominal breathing, a necessity for proper singing. Finally, the included tuning fork guides you to the notes you want, and trains you to hear the proper intervals between pitches.

I cannot wait to test out that stainless steel tuning fork so I can learn the proper intervals between pitches.  It's no wonder I wasn't cast as Belle in Beauty and the Beast!  

My intervals were improper!

The only thing that bothers me is the specially designed mouthpiece.  It only comes in 2 colors: orange and purple.  I'm a Carolina fan, for crying out loud!

Plus it looks like a damn pacifier.  If I'm going to put a pacifier in my mouth, I want a good looking one.

In fact, if that specially designed mouthpiece looked like this,  I would use my Beauty Voice Trainer for way more than 5 minutes a day!

Can you imagine my vocal transformation? 

I'd be the next Susan Boyle!

No more chorus line for me.  I'm destined for the top, thanks to my Beauty Voice Trainer!

Now, if they would only come out with a Beauty Dance Trainer.

 I could head straight to Broadway.

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