Kevin's Sea Sickness

Yes, I'm the guest blogger... the guest blogger who's lucky to be alive!

Let me start by saying that spending an entire week in some strange lake house with an agglomeration of Lou's family, 2 big dogs and a 3-year old child was absolute torture.

But it was that raft ride that nearly put me in the grave.

This all could have been avoided if I'd just kept my mouth shut.

I was sitting on the dock watching Lou float around on some plastic chair in the lake. All I said was, "Hold on tight, Lou. Don't drown. You're the only one who feeds me." The next thing I knew, Linda was saying "Hey, Mom! Kevin wants to ride with you."

Now, I've been living with these people for over a year. Wouldn't you think they'd understand me by now?

I barked louder, "No I don't!" and Linda said, "Don't worry, Kevin!  She's coming to get you."

"Wait! I'm a Pomeranian," I barked. "I don't like getting wet! Let one of those retrievers ride on the raft with her!"

Before I knew it, I was being air-lifted off the side of the dock onto Lou's lap and we were floating away.

"Look!" said Lou. "He likes it!"

I looked around for an escape. I started to frantically climb around the blue plastic chair, up and down Lou's legs, arms, and over her head searching for a passage to safety. It was hopeless.

She tried to hold me in place. "Kevin! Sit still! You're going to fall in!"

I was beginning to lose my composure. I barked, "Take me back!!!"

I think Lou finally understood me. "Maybe he's had enough," she observed acutely, and began to feebly paddle her pasty legs in an attempt to maneuver the craft closer to the ladder.

But nobody was on the dock to air-lift me out of the disaster area.

That's when the real drama began.

The deck was about 3 feet above lake level. The ladder had at least 5 rungs.

Lou grabbed me under one arm, and attempted to climb the ladder with the other arm, while holding onto the raft with one toe.

Had she slept through physics class? Hello? Remember gravity?

It was so predictable. And so wet. We fell backwards off the ladder.

Lou came up for air. "Help! Kevin! Glub! Help!" It was like a Three-Stooges movie with one stooge. Lou grabbed me and pulled me under again. Finally she managed to throw me up on the dock and dragged her debilitated body over the edge.

Yes, we both survived. 

But I'm here to say, Lou ain't no Spiderman!  

And that's the last time I try to have an intelligent conversation with one of those crazy people I live with.