Friday, July 8, 2011

A Tooth for a Tooth!

I’m not just a Nerdling Blogger. 

I’m a crime solver.

I read about a horrendous crime yesterday, and was able to solve it...without even breaking a sweat. I ought to be deputized.

Here’s the hard-hitting crime report, from the WISTV.COM web site:

“Police say that an elderly woman attacked another woman and accused her of stealing her teeth at an IGA grocery store in Walterboro. According to Walterboro police, the victim was in the parking lot of the grocery store when she was confronted by the elderly woman last Friday.”

But that’s not all! After accusing the victim of stealing her false teeth, the woman slapped the victim in the face!  Woah!

“The victim said that she had met the suspect before, but could not remember her name.  Authorities are continuing the investigation.”

You may wonder how I developed my talent for criminal investigation. Truth be told, Barney Fife has inspired me. For those of you not familiar with the 1960’s show "Andy of Mayberry", Barney was the very sexy and cunning deputy who was able to capture an assortment of criminals, including the very dangerous town drunk Otis and several menacing moonshiners.

Very little could get by Barney.

And very little gets by me.

With minimal effort and some savvy internet searching I have identified the culprit. I’m not sure how the wench made her way from her nursing home in Matteson, IL to Walterboro, S.C.

But sure as spit, she was in that IGA parking lot last Friday night. (She probably hitchhiked or stole a car.)

Here’s the posting from the Homewood, IL police blotter that tipped me off:

"A Matteson woman is determined to find justice after being robbed of her custom dentures at an area nursing home, police said. The woman said that when she retired for the night at 8 p.m. in her room at ManorCare, 940 Maple Rd., she placed her fitted upper and lower dentures in a case by her bedside. After the woman awoke around 6:30 the following morning, it was discovered that the dental appliances were missing from the room, police said. The custom dentures have an estimated value of $8,000. The woman said she will press charges against the thief or thieves, according to the report."

This was obviously a crime of passion. Dentures are personal. And this chick is guilty as sin!

Now, what to do with this information? I suppose I should turn it over to the authorities.

If only Barney Fife was on the Walterboro police force. I’d deliver it to him personally.  (Sigh!)

Maybe I'll get a reward!

I just hope it's not too cheesy.

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